How much communication in marriage?

[starbuck]

No, you're not wrong. Being in a partnership, married or not, doesn't mean you have to be joined at the frontal lobe.

[Tedel]

@ the OP,

You know? My dad once told me that once you get married you need to stop thinking about the word 'I' and just turn it to 'WE'. You and your wife should be and would be glad to be like one. After all, you have become one family with marriage.

If you are resented, maybe you should try to go talk it over with someone —a friend would be great. But if I were you, I would try to forget these resentments as soon as possible. You are building a time-bomb in your relationship if you don't.

[HonestLove]

Thanks all for the replies. I have read and considered them all. I understand my responsibilities here and that I made a mistake by not addressing my feelings at the time they were originally happening. That is one of my shortcomings - I don't always realize what I'm feeling until some time later.

My wife and I have communicated about many issues and been to couples therapy. We are both deeply committed to making this work.

I guess I should clarify and say that I don't sit around all the time feeling resentful about her pressuring me to leave my apartment and get married early. I just meant that they are private thoughts that I haven't shared. And I have a few other private thoughts as well.

As far as not dealing with things early on goes, she has had trouble with that as well. There is a behavior of mine that she doesn't like. She knew about it very early after we started dating. She accepted the behavior during dating and the first two years of our marriage. Then when our marriage hit a rough spot last year she put a divorce ultimatum on me - stop the behavior or we'd be divorced. This prompted the couple's therapy and we both worked hard to save the marriage. In the end I gave up the behavior, but I now have feelings of bitterness and being controlled. (More private thoughts.)

In the meantime, when we're both in a good mood and times are good, we're very happy together. But if things are not good, things become almost unbearable. She gets so down, so moody, so angry, that it is very hard for me to be around her. This makes me feel frustrated and eventually I become angry with the situation. We are currently in one of these cycles and it has been going on for almost three weeks.

When we are like this we'll barely talk all day. We'll wake up in the morning, say a few grumpy words and that will be it. Yesterday was a good example. She ended up crying twice throughout the day and we also had a fight. The rest of the day was spent in very uncomfortable silence.

I'm getting to the point where I'm asking myself: Is love enough? Will we get to a point where the frustrating of being together outweighs our love? I feel if that point in reached then divorce will become inevitable.

Thanks for listening.

[shh!]

Love is NOT enough to sustain a marriage, however, you'll get to the point that you will realize that ignoring each other all day when you are grumpy is better than screaming.

[Dasein]

Thanks all for the replies. I have read and considered them all. I understand my responsibilities here and that I made a mistake by not addressing my feelings at the time they were originally happening. That is one of my shortcomings - I don't always realize what I'm feeling until some time later.

My wife and I have communicated about many issues and been to couples therapy. We are both deeply committed to making this work.

I guess I should clarify and say that I don't sit around all the time feeling resentful about her pressuring me to leave my apartment and get married early. I just meant that they are private thoughts that I haven't shared. And I have a few other private thoughts as well.

As far as not dealing with things early on goes, she has had trouble with that as well. There is a behavior of mine that she doesn't like. She knew about it very early after we started dating. She accepted the behavior during dating and the first two years of our marriage. Then when our marriage hit a rough spot last year she put a divorce ultimatum on me - stop the behavior or we'd be divorced. This prompted the couple's therapy and we both worked hard to save the marriage. In the end I gave up the behavior, but I now have feelings of bitterness and being controlled. (More private thoughts.)

In the meantime, when we're both in a good mood and times are good, we're very happy together. But if things are not good, things become almost unbearable. She gets so down, so moody, so angry, that it is very hard for me to be around her. This makes me feel frustrated and eventually I become angry with the situation. We are currently in one of these cycles and it has been going on for almost three weeks.

When we are like this we'll barely talk all day. We'll wake up in the morning, say a few grumpy words and that will be it. Yesterday was a good example. She ended up crying twice throughout the day and we also had a fight. The rest of the day was spent in very uncomfortable silence.

I'm getting to the point where I'm asking myself: Is love enough? Will we get to a point where the frustrating of being together outweighs our love? I feel if that point in reached then divorce will become inevitable.

Thanks for listening.

I think you have some underlying issues at play here.

I hope you don't mind me asking but is your wife suffering from depression?

I really don't think that married people share every thought. I sure as heck don't want to know my partners every thought. You have to keep a piece of yourself just for you. Don't feel bad about that.

[Tedel]

Sorry if this is too personal, but how is your sex life doing? Sex is the glue that sticks a couple together.

By means of example, I have a friend who told me her husband hadn't touched her for months. She felt sad, ugly, fat, unattractive, nerd with her glasses... That night, I told her she had a very beautiful ass, an apple I would try to bite —correction: strive for biting— if she wasn't married.

She smiled.

[HonestLove]

Dasein, thanks for the comment. I do think there is a possibility of depression issues with my wife. I'm not exactly sure of the details, but I do know she took some kind of anti-depression medication prior to our relationship. Also, I believe that it is okay to have some private thoughts in a marriage but my wife does not, and she claims that she has none.

Tedel, thanks for another comment. Our sex is great and I have absolutely no complaints in that area. And I think we're both pretty open about our sexual thoughts. I'm fairly confident my wife feels about the same, except I think she wishes I was a bit more adventurous. Frequency varies, sometimes wildly. Sometimes we have sex 1-2 times a week and sometimes we go through dry spells lasting a month or more. I know the dry spells frustrate her and in general, I'd say she usually wants sex more than me. I definitely feel that ongoing and every day tensions hurt our sexual desire.

[Tedel]

Then what about routine? Why don't you go together to a gallery, to a park, to a zoo... something "refreshing", you know what I mean.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Y'know, I personally think something has to be wrong with her if she were to get mad cuz you were on a love advice site. If I found out my s/o was on an advice forum about relationships I would feel honored. I mean really, how often do you see men so willing to work on a relationship that he's willing to go on a advice site?Alot of men have too much "pride" to do that.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Im not sure if this is what Tedel was saying, but you all should go out on dates. Dates really do lighten up the mood, and brings less tension between the two. Like dinner and a movie, or whatever sparks both your interests. For all you know, you just may find that spark to get you "in the mood" at the end of the night. Maybe the lack of sex has her moody. 1-2 times a week? Really, thats not enough. 3 times minimum is actually the average for a successful sex life.From your posts it seems like sex is decided by you and only you so she can get it when you are ready to give it. Are you thinking about her needs? Maybe if she got more dick she would nag less about the things you keep private, quite frankly.

[Gigabitch]

I wouldn't want to know every thought that went through my husband's head. My head is full enough, thank you.

[Cain]

I wouldn't want to know every thought either. I would, however, like to know if there is something that is eating away at her regarding the relationship. So I don't wake up one day thinking things are great only to break up.

[starbuck]

That is an excellent point Cain. There are some relationships in which one person will wait and NOT share things that could be crucial to the survival of the relationship, like doubts. Those sorts of things should be shared, so that a bombshell isn't dropped.

[Cain]

That is an excellent point Cain. There are some relationships in which one person will wait and NOT share things that could be crucial to the survival of the relationship, like doubts. Those sorts of things should be shared, so that a bombshell isn't dropped.

I'm not talking about doubts. If someone has doubts regarding a relationship, the relationship is pretty much doomed anyways. I'm talking about issues that can be fixed, but won't be because the person held the issues in her head until she didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Instead of communicating, she let the relationship die when it could have been saved.

[Kromat]

I'm not talking about doubts. If someone has doubts regarding a relationship, the relationship
is pretty much doomed anyways. I'm talking about issues that can be fixed, but won't be because the person held the
issues in her head until she didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Instead of communicating, she let the
relationship die when it could have been saved.

If your not able to share what you want from a relationship or hold back secrets, there
really isn't any communication, but for the sake of having someone in your life.
Trusting each other in the long haul, is what will be worth it in the end, because If anything wrong does
happen, at least you'll be able to support each other and get through the difficult times in your life.
Mistakes and anger does happen, but it's how you overcome those situations that will make you a stronger couple.