Worst sex you've ever had..

[Only-virgins]

LOLOL! Here we read an example of the complete opposite of what Mother Nature intended. Anti-evolution at its finest.

Actually I think humans with all the extra intelligence we got we also invented the lack of common sense since we need it to replace instincts. I just slid my penis all the way down her vagina the first time and at one point it just slipped right in. I really don't understand, was he trying to put it in like a dart?

[lilly1185]

Are you trying to trick someone into telling you what a vagina feels like?

I will never again take a drink while reading this forum. In an effort avoid blasting tea from my nose on to my laptop, I nearly choked to death on it instead.

THAAAAAAAAAAAAANKS

And since someone was talking about warm apples: My BFF always suggests a cantaloupe warmed in the microwave. She never mentioned how she knew that, though...

Edit edit: I had double posting, but I figured this was worth the cuntpaste:

My first time was great. I'm sure I've posted about it elsewhere on this forum, but just for the lol's;
he was 14 and I was 15. We'd talked about it here and there, but finally decided to do it after discussing Final Fantasy 9. A mutual friend, ex, and I were all in his little brother's room (it was one of the only rooms upstairs- I've no idea where his little brother was). Ex and I were on the bed (I guess friend was there to deter parental units as "they wouldn't have sex with their FRIEND in the room"... apparently we were horribly desparate) while friend sat on the floor with his back to us playing FF9.

First, he had trouble with the condom.
THEN he couldn't get it in. He kept stabbing me in the thigh, places AROUND the vaj, once in the stomach, then finally decided if he HELD it with his hand and guided it in it would go.
By this time, I had a fair amount of the giggles. I felt it "pop" in, but was laughing too hard to notice any pain.
He asked me "Is it in yet?"
While I told him "It tickles."

He tried to pump a few times but couldn't get it up. Which made our first time even more hilarious. Because we'd remained friends YEARS after we broke up, at parties and group get togethers, this story often comes up when the booze comes out. His now-girlfriend thinks it's hilarious,
and the friend who was stuck in this awkward position continued to bear witness to COUNTLESS episodes of sex in our friend group, earning him the nick "Nookie Fairy".

I <3'd my first time, and in all seriousness, I wouldn't change a thing.

[qwertz]

We were on the floor and I was pulling out to slip the condom off and ejaculate on her stomach, (or wherever). Well she wasn't really paying attention and as I shot my first load, she realized what was going on, and pushed herself away from me because she thought I was aiming right at her snatch. So when she pushed herself away, she actually put herself into the danger zone, and I could've sworn one of those gobs hit her down there.

Sad because it would have been a really good orgasm (one of the few), but I was dumbstruck frozen, and she was panicked, and my penis just kept on poppin' 'em out like it didn't have a care in the world.

LOL!!..you have no idea the images i now have in my head!!!! :S

lol nice thread.

... he ended up getting a flashlight and spreading my legs open and poking around with a completely confused, dazed and overwhelmed look on his face. .

LMAO

I don't want to talk about it except to say he was very hairy and sweaty, which is a terrible combination.

hey..hair and sweat can be good..

[Sanctuary]

he ended up getting a flashlight and spreading my legs open and poking around with a completely confused, dazed and overwhelmed look on his face.

LOLOL! Here we read an example of the complete opposite of what Mother Nature intended. Anti-evolution at its finest.

LOL this guy thinks hes exploring a cave

[qwertz]

Not the worst sex ive had, but one ex used to do a high pitched scream when he came...he couldnt help it- i had to try so hard not to burst out laughing!

[Perryville]

I also had a Lady, who when she came would claw my back, and sometimes hyperventilate. Scared the crap out of me the first time she did it.

[lhn]

omg, so nearly got in trouble at work.Don't think I've laughed so hard for such a long time.

Frasbee, thanks very much. One of the funniest things I've read, ever! Literally crying over here.

My ex gave me a bj under the desk at work once. Unfortunately she accidently 'teethed' me and made me jerk whilst I was trying to talk to another colleague on the phone. Her head hit the underside of the desk and my glass of water unloaded over my keyboard. Wasn't the sort of 'unloading' we had planned on but it made us both giggle.

Especially as I then sat there horny as hell for an hour or so. She got spooked and couldn't continue lol

[bluesummer]

hey..hair and sweat can be good..

Yeah, it can. Just not when the guy is coated head to toe in hair like the missing link, and dripping sweat onto you like a leaky faucet.

Add that to the fact he's terrible at sex. Terrible.

[lilly1185]

LOL this guy thinks hes exploring a cave

Spelunking!

[kms]

@ only-virgins:
lol well, like I said, he wasn't even hard, and I wasn't wet - it definitely wasn't going in there. Needless to say, we had issues.

[alanaxo27]

well i can't say i've had any terrible sex... but this one time i was hooking up with a guy for the first time and he was having trouble staying hard, and admitted he had jerked off not long before i came over (it wasn't planned that i was going over), so that was slightly awkward. then he was having some condom troubles. normally this wouldn't matter but since this was the first time i just kinda had to sit there waiting in awkward silence while he fiddled around trying to get the condom on right baha.. i'm guessing he wasn't all that experienced which was a surprise. on the bright side after that the sex was pretty good lol.

[Junket]

I've never understood how anyone can have trouble putting on a condom.

[lilly1185]

I've never understood how anyone can have trouble putting on a condom.

I've seen guys get so excited they try to put it on wrong-side out. I usually put it on, as I've developed a method to avoid in-the-mood flighty-ness.

[lahnnabell]

I haven't had too many atrociously bad sexual experiences. Earlier this year I hooked up with a co-worker after my ex and I split. I was looking for some heavy rebound action and this particular guy was always good for some. I also figured that because he had chicks fawning over him a lot that he had some skills. Wrong.

We slept together a few times and it really just involved him going at me for 5-10 minutes until he came. He once commented in the middle of sex, "I want to get you off!" I feigned most of my enjoyment and let him finish up, but I never faked an orgasm. I'm pretty sure he had no idea what to do with my clitoris and I was not in the mindset to educate him.

Guys, if you're 24 and sexually active, take steps to make sure you know what the hell you're doing. I was very unimpressed and got bored very quickly.

[lilly1185]

LOL the ex I had my first time with is a lady magnet. SOME HOW.

We hooked up a couple of times while I was flying solo for a while. BIG MISTAKE. There is a move I will refer to as "the washing machine". How it got invented and why guys do it, escapes me. It's when in missionary, the guy decides he's going to rotate his hips around and swivel around.

It does nothing for me sexually, and only served as more ammo for future drunk story telling. I don't think he (or any of the guys that think it's a good idea) do it anymore.