Stages of Marriage / Long Term Relationship

[IndiReloaded]

This is for all of you experiencing problems in your long term relationship, married or some equivalent. Just to know what you are going through is NORMAL and that, if both of you are committed to working things out and bettering yourselves, it WILL get better. Those considering marriage or live-in LTR will also find this helpful, to know what's coming.

Five Stages of Marriage

Stage 1: Passion prevails

Like people, marriages also go through different developmental stages and predictable crises.

Everyone is familiar with the infancy stage of marriage — the "honeymoon period" — but what happens after that? Because people are unfamiliar with the emotional terrain, the normal hills and valleys of marriage, predictable transitional periods are often misunderstood, causing overreactions. Those who manage to weather these universal stormy periods usually come out the other side with greater love and commitment to their spouses. That’s why I want to offer you a marriage map.

The marriage map is meant to give you a broad overview of the experiences most couples have when they negotiate the marital terrain. As you read through these stages and developmental passages, don’t get too hung up on the timetable. Some couples move through these stages more quickly than others, and some bypass certain stages entirely.

Head over heels in love, you can’t believe how lucky you are to have met your one and only star-crossed lover. Everything other than the relationship quickly fades into the background. Much to your amazement, you have so much in common: You enjoy the same hobbies, music, restaurants, and movies. You even like each other’s friends. You can finish each other’s sentences. When you pick up the phone to call your partner, s/he is already on the line calling you. You are completely in sync. When little, annoying things pop up, they’re dismissed and overlooked.

At no other time in your relationship is your feeling of well-being and physical desire for each other as intense as it is during this romantic period. The newness and excitement of the relationship stimulates the production of chemicals in your bodies that increase energy and positive attitudes, and heighten sexuality and sensuality. Never, never, have you felt this way before. "It must be love," you tell yourself. While in this naturally produced state of euphoria, you decide to commit to spending the rest of your lives together. "And why not," you reason, ‘we’re perfect together." And marry, you do. Unless you elope or opt for a simple, judge’s chambers-style wedding, your euphoria takes a temporary nose-dive as you plan and execute your wedding. Once you get past the superhuman challenges of dealing with family politics and hosting a modern-day wedding, your starry-eyed obsession with each other reemerges and takes you through the honeymoon period. And for a period of time, nothing could be more glorious. But soon, your joy gives way to an inevitable earth-shattering awakening; marriage isn’t at all what you expected it to be.

Stage 2: What was I thinking?

In some ways, Stage 2 is the most difficult because it is here that you experience the biggest fall. After all, how many miles is it from bliss to disillusionment? Millions. What accounts for this drastic change in perspective? For starters, reality sets in: the little things start to bother you. You realize that your spouse has stinky breath in the morning, spends way too long on the toilet, leaves magazines and letters strewn on the kitchen counter, never wraps food properly before it’s put in the refrigerator, and to top things off, snores. There are big things too.

Although you once thought you and your spouse were kindred spirits, you now realize that there are many differences between you. Although you share interests in hobbies, you disagree about how often you want to participate in them. You like the same kinds of restaurants, but you enjoy eating out often while your partner prefers staying home and saving money. Your tastes in music are compatible, but you prefer quiet time in the evening while your mate enjoys blasting the stereo. You have many common friends, but you can't agree on which nights to see them. You’re confused about what’s going on. You argue. You knew life wouldn’t always be a bed of roses, but you never thought all you’d get was thorns. You feel disillusioned and you wonder if you made a mistake.

Ironically, it is in the midst of feeling at odds with your once kindred spirit that you are faced with making all sorts of life-altering decisions. For example, it is now that you decide whether and when to have children, where to live, who will support the family, who will handle the bills, how your free time will be spent, how in-laws fit into your lives, and who will do the cooking. Just at the time when a team spirit would have come in mighty handy, spouses often start to feel like opponents. So they spend the next decade or so trying to "win" and get their partners to change, which triggers stage 3.

Stage 3: Everything would be great if you changed

In this stage of marriage, most people believe that there are two ways of looking at things, your spouse’s way and your way, also known as the Right Way. Even if couples begin marriage with the enlightened view that there are many valid perspectives on any given situation, they tend to develop severe amnesia quickly. And rather than brainstorm creative solutions, couples often battle tenaciously to get their partners to admit they are wrong. That’s because every point of disagreement is an opportunity to define the marriage. Do it my way, and the marriage will work, do it yours and it won’t.

When people are in this state of mind, they have a hard time understanding why their spouses are so glued to their way of seeing things. They assume it must be out of stubbornness, spitefulness or a need to control. What they don’t realize is that their spouses are thinking the same thing about them! Over time, both partners dig in their heels deeper. Little or no attempt is made to see the other person’s point of view for fear of losing face or worse yet, losing a sense of self.

Now is the time when many people face a fork in the marital road. They don’t want to go on this way. Three choices become apparent. Convinced they’ve tried everything, some people give up. They tell themselves they’ve fallen out of love or married the wrong person. Divorce seems like the only logical solution. Other people resign themselves to the status quo and decide to lead separate lives. Ultimately, they live unhappily ever after. But there are others who decide that it’s time to end the cold war and begin to investigate healthier and more satisfying ways of interacting. Although the latter option requires a major leap of faith, those who take it are the fortunate ones because the best of marriage is yet to come.

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[mces0421]

This one is a great article about long term relationship. Other tips from Yggdrasil are also appreciated. Sometimes we need this information to remind us. Bravoo!

[lovehost]

The first one is of course the best and all efforts to preserve are more than worth.

[Azn2Luv]

always need goood communication for a relationship.
dont be shy either because some girls or mostly girls dont like shy guys. they like a guy that leads the relationship... yup
Azn2Luv~

[thecoach]

At what stage the relationship becames boring?

[IndiReloaded]

At what stage the relationship become boring?

Stage 2 and onward. It gets better in Stage 4-5. Remember: One's 'boring' is another's 'comfort'.

Lots of couples become comfortable enough again in Stage 4/5 to start spicing things up again, tho.

Stage 3 is the killer. Good conflict resolution will get you out of that stage faster.

I should post an update about what skills are needed most for each stage. Will try to do sometime soon. Ygg made a good list, but some skills are definitely more relevant to some stages than others. Stage 3 is the one that really needs the 'key skills' addressed first.

[Love-advisor]

I am newly married and this post will help me a lot to shape up my married life in the most perfect manner.

[lost26]

I'm married since ten years and found this very good advice. I have a question tough, how to do if you like someone's personality but is at the same time very different from that person, if you do not share any hobbies in common?

[IndiReloaded]

Depends whether the fact you don't share hobbies is a problem. Lots of couples don't & doesn't bother them in the slightest.

Start a thread about this in the general forum if you want more advice/ideas.

[IndiReloaded]

I am newly married and this post will help me a lot to shape up my married life in the most perfect manner.

How can you be a relationship expert if you are newly married? Glad you found the article helpful.

[RomantiGoth]

WOW...

Suddenly the future scares me... It sounds so tough and scarying.. I must admit, my longest relationship is my current one (running on 3rd year) and while I have been through some smaller stages of 2-3-5, I am mostly on stage 1 (which is a great stage, btw). I never want to enter any stage between 1 and 5 - life is just to short NOT to be as happy as can be...

But I wonder, since I have never been married I do not know yet, but is there a difference between the stages that married couples goes through opposed the couples that just are together??

[Amethyst]

Very good article. I need help understanding.