How to become a better me and heal properly?

[manu85]

Hey Kyeema,

Sorry for not getting back to you earlier. How have you been?

In response to your question: I got the results from the audition, but unfortunately I didn't pass to the next round. I guess I sort of saw that coming, but it was still a disappointment. Anyway, now I know that my voice needs work :-). I'll try to put in that work, as I really find it important to sing (and to not annoy the listeners lol). I'm going to sing with a classmate at a funeral this weekend of a young man (26 y.o.) who was also a classmate of mine (we're going to sing Tears in heaven, I know, a bit cheesy, I wanted to do a jazz song but it was a general request). He was an excellent, extremely motivated medicine student who was going to be able to specialize in anything he'd like, always very happy and joyful. He was also an extremely motivated cyclist and overall sportsman. He trained at least 2 hours a day. But what I liked most about him was that he was always friendly, always himself, no attitude at all, always in for a talk with anyone, and although he was a little bit of an outcast (he's a foreigner) everybody loved him. This past Sunday, he died during the competition "The Iron Man of Antwerp" while he was going down a tunnel. His pedal touched the sidewalk at top speed, he lost control and crashed onto the ground. He was dead within 10 minutes. It's truely truely sad... especially to see someone go at that age, so young, at the verge of achieving all his life goals and dreams, and in what fashion... And especially such a noble, simple, cheerful, positive person... He was an immigrant of Armenia, and he and his mom migrated to Belgium when he was 14 years old, for him to get a better future. During his medicine studies, the government once wanted to expel him out of the country, and the entire class and university supported him and we signed a petition for him to stay. For someone who's fought so hard to barely achieve all his dreams, this is really really mindblowing... Such a shame... And poor mom, who is left alone without her son, in a country which isn't her own, without other family, and (apparently, so I heard) chronically ill. I know that I want to get a little stage experience, but this really pales in comparison to what I know I can contribute at a funeral. If I didn't have the right intentions, I wouldn't allow myself to do this. I really feel I can give something back to him, to his mom, and say goodbye in the best way possible.

Anyway, I've been so busy I haven't had the time to even think about my ex. I notice I actually sometimes pass almost an entire day without ever thinking about her, and when I do, I feel great emotional distance and detachment. I'm not angry anymore at all, I think I could even be friends with her, and actually be (almost ;-)) genuinely happy for her if she were to find a great boyfriend who brings her happiness. I guess I'm (almost) over her now, so that's good.

My thesis, on the other hand, has been a disaster... I've found it so difficult to get to work. I get so scared of not doing well, of disappointing, that I just sit around all day and do nothing. I really hate myself for that. It's such a waste. I've studied so much in my life and now I'm just not even bothering and throwing beautiful chances away. I think I truely blew my thesis month, and there was no real reason for, I'm really mad at myself for that and have felt really bad about that...

Well, anyway, so far the update on me :-)

[Kyeema]

Hey Manu!

I am sorry to hear about the audition. I was so sure that finally I got to know a famous rock star *ggg*... but truth is, this was just one audition there is so much to come yet and let's just see what the future offers to you... there will be other chances... and I am sure, when you really decide to go for it, you'll make it!

What a shock about the death of your friend! I am really sorry for your loss! *hug*

It seems your fear of failing is so huge that you don't even try... I know how that feels... no matter how good my grades were I was always convinced that I was a failure and everybody would notice soon. On the other hand you have so many things going on in your life at the moment that concentrating on your thesis must be really hard... and the pressure must be incredible too, and with that I mean the pressure you put on yourself. Perhaps the main point still is that you haven't made up your mind what you really want to wo with your life and if medicine is it for you. Investing your time and energy in a thesis is hard enough when you know you want to become a doctor, it's not something you can just do by the way without really wanting and concentrating on it. And you are not even sure about what your goals are. Perhaps counseling would help you here to find out what the real underlying reasons for not getting on with your thesis are?

Good to hear that you get along with your ex-situation so well. Gives me hope that some time I will be able to have days I don't think about mine and to let go of my anger and sadness and disappointment and whatever negative else there is, too.

Big hug!
Kyeema