Am I emotionally abusive?

[Incognito]

Ha, well there again, I don't know enough about you to formulate an opinion about your overall character. I think that everyone is entitled to an opinion, especially here where stating opinion is the focus of the site. I'd only label you a jerk or dumbass if you proved yourself to be such. Only one person has earned that label from me here, but I suspect that even in his case it was more a matter that he misrepresented himself in this online environment (I hope that was the case anyway).

[Ryan Heitzman]

Well, that's cool dude. I just wanna say I hope you get your problem solved. I was coming on a bit strong there, I know. I shouldn't of said what I said but I just wanted to encourage you. I don't know why, I just felt like I had a feeling too.

Sometimes I hate being more emotional then some guys. It gets me in trouble and everyone wants to call me pussy for it.

But anyways, don't mind me, I'm only here to help if I can.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I'm not fully aware of your situation, but you don't sound abusive. You just seem like you're done with the relationship and it's time to end it. I don't think you're being emotionally abusive, but you are holding her "emotionally hostage" by not allowing her to find the affection she seeks elsewhere. If you're not in love with her anymore, and you're not happy in the relationship, why are you still in it?

[Incognito]

Well I wouldn't say "you came on strong". I just think that you stated something that you really weren't in a position to say with full confidence. I'm sure there are those here who don't think very highly of me. As far as being more emotional than the majority of guys I say "carry on". It is truly a sad thing that men are labeled "pussies" when they are anything short of a hardened "man's man". That term in and of itself contradicts the concept behind it. I'd think a "man's man" who did everything in the interest of gaining the approval and admiration of men would be gay. A cold emotionless being could only be tolerated by men. Women want and need that emotional aspect of a man. Plus emotion is part of being human. Perhaps this should be another thread?

Anyway, are there any more opinions on my question?

[Incognito]

I'm not fully aware of your situation, but you don't sound abusive. You just seem like you're done with the relationship and it's time to end it. I don't think you're being emotionally abusive, but you are holding her "emotionally hostage" by not allowing her to find the affection she seeks elsewhere. If you're not in love with her anymore, and you're not happy in the relationship, why are you still in it?

You really need to read my past threads.

[Ryan Heitzman]

Thanks Incognito. that means a lot what you said. I will shut up now and leave myself to be at this.

[vashti]

I think your behavior - while perhaps I wouldn't call if "abusive", simply because I don't like that term - certainly must be emotionally damaging for her. You sound like a mutually toxic couple.

[vanityfair]

I haven't read your previous threads but from the description above, I get a sense of major disconnect as opposed to aggression or abuse.

Are you stonewalling her while she's actively trying to connect with you?

You seem to be describing a numb relationship devoid of passion and joy. You don't say what you have done about it so far, unless you've already mentioned it in other posts. How does the status quo sit with your partner? Is this a problem for her? Does she bring it up, has she made any attempts to address it? for instance if she has tried to have heart to heart conversations about your emotional distance or about any other matter really, or gotten tickets to a game/concert you would enjoy together, took you out for a night in town, tried one of your fantasies in bed, read a book/magazine/ watched something on TV you'd like just to discuss with you later and you were still stonewalling her and then you said "I love you but I'm not in love with you" on top of it, it would be adding insult to the injury and yeah that would count as emotional abuse.

why did you say "I love you but I'm not in love with you" to her anyways, how did it come up?

If it's a mutual sense of withdrawal where you simply grew in different directions, that's indeed sad. Don't know what you can do about that if neither one of you is motivated to make an effort. By the way, I think saying the situation is sad is not a judgement of you or your relationship but just an observation and also an expression of empathy. You probably wouldn't have posted this concern unless you felt uncomfortable and perhaps sad about the situation.

[Ryan Heitzman]

Well I will say this Incognito. At least your not physically abusive. That's a true crime there.

[Lovable]

I think I've read some of your past threads & remember why you 2 are still together & for what reason.

Having said that, I don't think it's emotionally abusive, but I'm sure it's hurtful in some ways. Has she wanted to do the "couple things" that you aren't wanting to do? Has she asked you about why you don't want to be intimate (doesn't mean just sex either).

[Incognito]

I haven't read your previous threads but from the description above, I get a sense of major disconnect as opposed to aggression or abuse.

Are you stonewalling her while she's actively trying to connect with you?

You seem to be describing a numb relationship devoid of passion and joy. You don't say what you have done about it so far, unless you've already mentioned it in other posts. How does the status quo sit with your partner? Is this a problem for her? Does she bring it up, has she made any attempts to address it? for instance if she has tried to have heart to heart conversations about your emotional distance or about any other matter really, or gotten tickets to a game/concert you would enjoy together, took you out for a night in town, tried one of your fantasies in bed, read a book/magazine/ watched something on TV you'd like just to discuss with you later and you were still stonewalling her and then you said "I love you but I'm not in love with you" on top of it, it would be adding insult to the injury and yeah that would count as emotional abuse.

why did you say "I love you but I'm not in love with you" to her anyways, how did it come up?

.

She does notice it and is not happy with it. Usually things will come to a head and we'll talk/argue about it, but neither one of us changes. I can honestly say that I am probably more of a problem at this point because it seems that every time I start to become emotionally attached again there is some kind of BS that comes up and I feel stressed or hurt again. That leads to me "switching off" again and each time it happens I have less will to become emotionally connected again. Distance seems to be the 'safe zone', because if I don't care then I don't feel hurt or stressed as often or as severely.

I try hard not to be "a typical man", so no I never avoid conversations and I am always honest though. We are supposed to be going to NYC to see a Broadway show this weekend, but that was her anniversary gift. We rarely go out for "nights on the town" because we'd have to find someone to watch her daughter. LOL, there are no trying fantasies in bed, or anything in bed for that matter. I have written multiple threads about THAT alone. Bottom line is that I don't "stonewall" her. That's not my way, and never helps anyone in a relationship anyway. I told her that "I loved her, but wasn't in love with her" because she flat out asked me if I still loved her. I suppose that it didn't help that I was in the midst of an emotional affair with someone I met online (which is no longer going on, but the ultimate fate of which is unknown). Perhaps if I wasn't I would have said the same thing, but in a less blunt way.

[Incognito]

I think I've read some of your past threads & remember why you 2 are still together & for what reason.

Having said that, I don't think it's emotionally abusive, but I'm sure it's hurtful in some ways. Has she wanted to do the "couple things" that you aren't wanting to do? Has she asked you about why you don't want to be intimate (doesn't mean just sex either).

Occasionally she'll ask me to sit next to her on the sofa, or will say "why don't you ever sit next to me?". Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. My reasoning is that I refuse to be fake, so I try to do things on a mental level first before moving to a physical level (i.e. actually want to sit next to her before actually doing it). Anyone can do anything, but the key to doing it again and again and again is wanting to do it. Therefore I try to avoid doing things unless my heart is in it.

As far as being intimate, yes she has asked why I am not/don't want to be (not speaking of sex). I flat out told her that I can't be emotionally intimate with someone who I am not physically intimate with. She said the exact opposite, and therein lies a huge part of the problem. I've put my nuts on the line before by trying to be emotionally involved (while not getting any sexual satisfaction from her) only to have her take a chop at them by getting pissed at some asinine thing. Her argument there is "what, am I not supposed to get angry?". She has a point, but if anyone here would have seen the way that she used to get whenever she got angry (and the things she got angry over; one time it was how much water I poured in her daughter's cup) then you'd totally understand why disconnect is my default reaction whenever I see that she is even thinking about getting angry.

As far as sex itself goes, she asks why I don't press her about it anymore, but she has NEVER said "you know... I really want to have sex". That tells me that she just allows me to have sex with her and that she now wonders if I am getting it from someone else rather than actually missing/wanting it. It sickens me.

[RdHrshyKss]

oh incog, i don't know what to say that hasn't been already said. you and your wife are not compatible. i personally think you got married too young and too quickly. you tried doing the religiously respectable thing by waiting for sex until you were married (even though she already had a child and was obviously not a virgin). you even realized the sexual incompatibility on the honeymoon! and although sexual intimacy is not the only aspect of a relationship, it is one of the most important (but i think you know this).

are you being emotionally abusive? no. i don't think you are abusing your wife. if your wife is as intelligent as i hope she is, i think she knows why you are the way you are. she just doesn't want to acknowledge it because it will involve her having to admit that it is part of her own doing. she doesn't want to deal with the guilt of that acknowledgement. from what i've read, you've tried many times to appease her in the past, to only be let down an equal number of times. your disconnect is a natural way of protecting yourself from further hurt, i don't think it's abusive at all.

and why is it your sole responsibility in this marriage to create this emotional intimacy? she doesn't do anything to initiate it, does she? so for her to expect you to do all the work in the emotional (and even physical!) department, while she sits back and does nothing (and complains), is asinine in my opinion.

[vashti]

Really, I'm not sure it matters much whether WE all define this as emotional abuse. My guess is that your wife FEELS like it is, and honestly, I can't really blame her. Why is it that neither of you are willing to give the other person what they NEED in order to regain a healthy connection? You are BOTH deliberately withholding, and i don't hold you any less responsible than her.

This has got to be so horrible for her child to live with.

[RdHrshyKss]

i've mentioned before that the daughter has it ROUGH. he doesn't even look at her as his daughter...it's always "her daughter". from what i've read, she keeps him separate...this woman is just a complete disaster.