New girlfriend sleeps over at male friend's house

[Wakeup]

Its not about "trust" its about inappropriate interaction and doing one-on-one date like activities with a member of the opposite sex. That is how emotional affairs begin without any intention to do anything that violates trust.

[XyOh]

Inappropriate interaction and one-on-one date activities need to be addressed by your SO if it bothers him/her; not automatically assumed to be inherently evil or on the flipside, ignored for fear of being seen as insecure. Everyone's situation is different. Which is what the OP did - he addressed it.

[Wakeup]

It's obviously inappropriate and disrespectful if she keeps losing bf's over her NEED to have the attentions of men other then her S.O. It is a fundamental relationship boundary that more people then not like to have in place out of respect for their partner.

Obviously, she (as well as yourself) don't think that having the attention of other men, men she's had sexual relationships with prior is a relationship boundary cross. I suspect multiple relationships will be her future unless she gets it out and upfront before she even starts anything with the men she see potential in and they too have one-on-on date like interactions with their female friends.

OP: Its would be a good question to ask any potentials if they think there is nothing wrong with spending alone time doing date like activities with opposite sex friends and ex's. If she says she doesn't see anything inappropriate there, then next her quick so you don't waste time and can find someone who has your same boundaries. Adding: Which is what Lord Darkshire suggested many posts ago.

[masticate]

Its not about "trust" its about inappropriate interaction and doing one-on-one date like activities with a member of the opposite sex. That is how emotional affairs begin without any intention to do anything that violates trust.

This is another example of moral superiority though. It's not an absolute fact; this is only a fact relative to your morality.

I suppose the assumption is there is an objective boundary which can be crossed and it is not sleepovers (a subjective boundary), but violating trust (not saying I agree with this either but it's far more objective). From what I could tell, that was basically what XyOh was trying to say too.

I'm looking at this discussion like you are arguing from the original premise that sleepovers are special events that should be restricted to relationships with a significant other whereas XyOh is arguing from the original premise that trust violations are critical to relationship success. Since a sleepover doesn't necessarily include a trust violation in all cases... a sleepover is therefore not necessarily a special event that should be restricted to the significant other (or more precisely... an event that is critical to relationship success) which refutes your original premise / the central idea of the conversation.

Hopefully that helps illustrate the difference in perspectives there.

XyOh has made the remark that the sleepover is not objectively a bad thing unless it includes a trust violation which so far it has been demonstrated not to. Therefore, the original poster's rejection of his girlfriend will be a purely subjective decision based on his feelings and morality. Nowhere did XyOh say he is wrong for doing this, she is just helping him see it her way. It's perfectly reasonable to expect any given person to make romantic decisions based purely on their feelings at any given time.

The fact that you ignored the second part of her post meant that you constructed a strawman argument - by misrepresenting her entire perspective and focusing only on the part you disagreed with, you did not give enough credit to the fact that she advised him not to proceed.

[lalalita]

Mutual boundaries are so, so, important. Ditch her, it's never going to change. Yes, she is wrong.

[Maple1714]

It doesn't really matter what any of us think about the "appropriateness" of the sleepover situation, etc. What matters is the OP has an issue with it, he expressed his concern/feelings to his GF and she rejected them. So, are these two people really as compatible as the OP originally thought? Maybe in a couple days/weeks the GF will realize she is making an error in judgement (if she indeed feels that way) and she will change her behavior to appease her new BF's feelings. If not, they should both move on.

OP seems to be gone anyway...

[Wakeup]

I think it matters simply because it IS inappropriate IMO as well as the Op's opinion.

He's not alone in his thinking so hopefully if he knows that he not alone, he will be more confident that his reason for leaving her is a good one. Being confident in why you are leaving someone you like/love is important to be able to stay gone.. Of course it goes without saying (but its been said several times anyway) the fact that they are incompatible in relationship boundaries.

Therefore the chances are much higher that they are likely not going to last if she continues on in what HE thinks is inappropriate.

You're not alone, Op. It is inappropriate and its a red flag that would have many people leaving someone that doesn't see eye to eye with that simple relationship boundary.

I'm surprised at your thoughts on this, Maple. You have just found out you're still very much into a past lover/friend that's one of the very fundamental reasons why hanging out with someone you have been in a relationship with before is indeed, inappropriate... Trust? pffft. it has nothing to do with trust.

- - - Updated - - -

This is another example of moral superiority though. It's not an absolute fact; this is only a fact relative to your morality.

Sorry, but that's not the case. It's a known fact that friends that have attraction for one another (as the op's gf has had with her ex lover) is when emotional affairs get started. If you R.E.S.P.E.C.T. your partner, you'd not put yourself in such situations that can easily lead to unintentioned emotional re-connections or new emotional affairs (if the "friend" has never been a sexual/romantic partner in the past) Thanks for assuming wrongly though because it gave me yet another platform to try and explain why its "inappropriate" not to mention disrespectful to your SIGNIFICANT other.

We're human. Even the most trustworthy person on earth can find themselves sliding down a slippery slope without even realizing they've been sliding until they hit the bottom of the slide. Unintentional infidelity happens all the time with couples who trust and put themselves in the situation that Op's gf is putting herself. That is why it's inappropriate and more so totally disrespectful ~ not because my morals tell me its wrong which is just silly nonsense for the religious.

[masticate]

slippery slope

This is exactly what you're doing in your reasoning - committing the "slippery slope fallacy"

//yourlogicalfallacyis.c o m/slippery-slope


"Morals and ethical judgements - silly nonsense for the religious." That's a new one.

[KingZ]

Just shut the fu​ck up, masticate.

[masticate]

Just shut the fu​ck up, masticate.

I'm not sure whether you know that you're repeating yourself or not.

Knock knock KingZ... you are repeating yourself. It's not working. I'm not listening. You're being so silly.

[KingZ]

Seriously, would you shut the fu​ck up?

[masticate]

I can't believe you don't shut up.

[Wakeup]

This is exactly what you're doing in your reasoning - committing the "slippery slope fallacy"

//yourlogicalfallacyis.c o m/slippery-slope


"Morals and ethical judgements - silly nonsense for the religious." That's a new one.

That's not even worth replying to.

[Maple1714]

I think it matters simply because it IS inappropriate IMO as well as the Op's opinion.

He's not alone in his thinking so hopefully if he knows that he not alone, he will be more confident that his reason for leaving her is a good one. Being confident in why you are leaving someone you like/love is important to be able to stay gone.. Of course it goes without saying (but its been said several times anyway) the fact that they are incompatible in relationship boundaries.

Therefore the chances are much higher that they are likely not going to last if she continues on in what HE thinks is inappropriate.

You're not alone, Op. It is inappropriate and its a red flag that would have many people leaving someone that doesn't see eye to eye with that simple relationship boundary.

I'm surprised at your thoughts on this, Maple. You have just found out you're still very much into a past lover/friend that's one of the very fundamental reasons why hanging out with someone you have been in a relationship with before is indeed, inappropriate... Trust? pffft. it has nothing to do with trust.

I do think it's inappropriate behavior. I was just trying to get around the argument of whether it was inappropriate behavior or not...and encourage the OP to trust his feelings and not doubt himself. But, I forgot that confidence when leaving someone is vital. Yes, I have just reconnected with a past BF, but I never would have hung out with him as "just friends" while in a relationship, b/c we've always been really attracted to one another. I would have set the boundary of no contact, if I was in a relationship. Again we see, it is inappropriate...on many levels.

[Wakeup]

The thanks button seams to have gone missing again or I'd thank that post, Maple. I have rep'd you for it.