Ultimatum

[4seasons]

She's a "package deal" because she has a child. If nothing else, you should be glad to be rid of the daughter. She sounds like a real pain in the ass. I have a twelve year old, and she is not the boss of me. It was important that she get along well with my second husband, but the timeline of our relationship was not her business because she is the kid and I am the grownup. Your girlfriend wasn't very clear about this. She sounds weak and squirrely. I concur with the theory that you dodged a bullet.

Thank you very much. I know that I need to not look back at this point. However, do you think she will realize that she made a mistake in giving up on us? I know she loved our compatibility. It just makes no sense to break it off when we get along so well. The only time we ever had fights was over the ultimatums. She is too old to have any more children so I did never understand the rush on her part to hurry up and get married.

[Gigabitch]

If you were dealing with just her, it might be workable, but you have to deal with her meddlesome daughter AND her meddlesome mother. Yes, she'll probably be sorry. She's probably sorry right now, but she's got her daughter on one side and her mother on the other pouring poison in both of her ears.

Walk away from this mess.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, I'm curious: what IS your 'timetable' for marriage? Not necessarily with her, but in general.

The only reason I ask is b/c it seems to me that older people usually know very quickly whether they have found their life partner or not. From that perspective, 5 months is plenty of time for people who know they've found what they have been looking for.

I suspect your feelings are more a muddle of your issues from your previous marriage and her not being quite the right fit for you. Also, she would have had her daughter at 36, right? That's getting up there for a woman. Is it possible she got pregnant in order to try to trap the father into marriage? That could be a source of her desperation.

Ultimately, she wants marriage. You need to decide if you do also. If not, you ARE wasting her time if that is her goal and you should let her go. Its only fair. This is completely separate from how she is handling it, tho yes, it is an indication of how you can expect her to handle other problems in your relationship.

Tough choice, good luck.

[4seasons]

Well, I'm curious: what IS your 'timetable' for marriage? Not necessarily with her, but in general.

The only reason I ask is b/c it seems to me that older people usually know very quickly whether they have found their life partner or not. From that perspective, 5 months is plenty of time for people who know they've found what they have been looking for.

I suspect your feelings are more a muddle of your issues from your previous marriage and her not being quite the right fit for you. Also, she would have had her daughter at 36, right? That's getting up there for a woman. Is it possible she got pregnant in order to try to trap the father into marriage? That could be a source of her desperation.

Ultimately, she wants marriage. You need to decide if you do also. If not, you ARE wasting her time if that is her goal and you should let her go. Its only fair. This is completely separate from how she is handling it, tho yes, it is an indication of how you can expect her to handle other problems in your relationship.

Tough choice, good luck.

There might be some truth to me wanting to take things slower because of a failed marriage on my part. However, if she knows I am the man for her which she has said countless times, then why can't she appreciate my timeline as long as we are on the same path towards the ultimate goal of marriage? Her 14 year old daughter has made the decision for our relationship to end. Yes, marriage is her top goal but with anyone or with someone you truly love.

[IndiReloaded]

Have you told her what your timeline is, tho? Do you even know yourself?

[4seasons]

Have you told her what your timeline is, tho? Do you even know yourself?

Good question. Let me just mention this. If she would have never brought up marriage or ultimatums, I would have proposed by now since it has been a year. She would have shown me that it is our relationship that needs a solid foundation to build upon and she would have been focused on us growing together without the resentments and anger ultimatums since Christmas. She expected a ring at Christmas and the day after Christmas, she went to the local jeweler and priced a ring and came back to my house and handed me a business card with the price of the ring and said I have two weeks to decide. Since then, at least once a month she she has flared up in a temper tantrum because there is no ring. I considered each of those instances setbacks or red flags. After the Christmas incident, if she would have left it alone and enjoyed growing together, I would have popped the question. Because of the setbacks, October would have been ideal. When she confronts me with anger about no date set, I think twice. I still love her thou.

[IndiReloaded]

So, why don't you just tell her this? That she is cutting her nose off to spite her face? People have all kinds of quirks, tempers and impatience included. In your case, it might be a tendency to dig-in when confronted aggressively. Shrug. Doesn't sound like its really a deal-breaker for you. Could be good for her to learn some patience, or at least control over her tendency to panic. If you make her wait another year and she walks, then tho, its probably justified.

[vashti]

There might be some truth to me wanting to take things slower because of a failed marriage on my part. However, if she knows I am the man for her which she has said countless times, then why can't she appreciate my timeline as long as we are on the same path towards the ultimate goal of marriage? Her 14 year old daughter has made the decision for our relationship to end. Yes, marriage is her top goal but with anyone or with someone you truly love.

I don't like how you are holding a child responsible for her mother's decisions. (YES! You are!) My kids wanted all kinds of crazy things over the years. I am a grown-up, and I know how to say "no".

[4seasons]

I don't like how you are holding a child responsible for her mother's decisions. (YES! You are!) My kids wanted all kinds of crazy things over the years. I am a grown-up, and I know how to say "no".

Okay. I guess I am the bad guy here. I should understand kids more. Unfortunately, I never had the privelege to have any of my own. Her mother started giving me attention when she used to get it all and she resents it and wants me gone. I have always gotten along with the daughter and treated her with utmost respect. If I was the natural parent, I would have used some reverse psycology by saying" When you get older and fall in love and I don't approve of him, you must leave him, how would you feel about that?" In the meantime, I need to walk away and let her mother become a spinster till whenever.

[vashti]

Spinster? You're kidding, right?

It is NORMAL for a child to be resentful of a stranger taking attention away from them. What ISN'T normal if for their parent to allow them to have so much power. Obviously, at 14, they aren't ready for it - it's too much responsibility. You don't have to have children to understand this.

Or maybe you are only getting part of the story out of mom. Maybe the kid has some valid concerns about you?

[lotus petals]

the whole push for marriage thing has so far elluded me.....this social conditioning affects some people so strongly it seems their common sense flies right out the window. as long as a man is committed to me i can wait a very long time to get married. she is more concerned with getting married than actually getting to know you to see if you two have what it takes to make the long haul. and given the control by her daughter she doesn't sound like someone who thinks for herself much.

when and if she comes back, i would call her out on that and then tell her that IF you two can be a happy committed couple for another 6 months (or however long you like) then you will consider getting engaged. tell her in no uncertain terms that she has an issue with marriage thats not healthy and you are very much aware of it.

[ecojeanne]

i'd say her mother is actually the boss of her. this is likely the reason for the irrational behavior. she's 50, not the virginal bride, therefore church marriage would be hypocritical depending on the religion i suppose? legally marrying after 5 months is insanity. you are still getting to know each other. on average (if one takes care of their health) one has about 80 years on earth, she's used up 50, you both have pleeeenty of time. what's the rush unless there is some other hidden agenda.....ask her out straight while in the presence of people for safety reasons...just in case...

[4seasons]

Spinster? You're kidding, right?

It is NORMAL for a child to be resentful of a stranger taking attention away from them. What ISN'T normal if for their parent to allow them to have so much power. Obviously, at 14, they aren't ready for it - it's too much responsibility. You don't have to have children to understand this.

Or maybe you are only getting part of the story out of mom. Maybe the kid has some valid concerns about you?

Ouch! I really don't know how to reply to the last sentence. I think she could do a lot worse. All I can say is that I treat her with the utmost respect an have always gotten along with her. This morning the mother was at my doorstep wanting me back. We had a long talk about the pressure she gets from her family and the ultimatum thing. I told her that I love her but will not have other people meddeling in our business. Right noe she claims that she is commited to making us work.

[4seasons]

the whole push for marriage thing has so far elluded me.....this social conditioning affects some people so strongly it seems their common sense flies right out the window. as long as a man is committed to me i can wait a very long time to get married. she is more concerned with getting married than actually getting to know you to see if you two have what it takes to make the long haul. and given the control by her daughter she doesn't sound like someone who thinks for herself much.

when and if she comes back, i would call her out on that and then tell her that IF you two can be a happy committed couple for another 6 months (or however long you like) then you will consider getting engaged. tell her in no uncertain terms that she has an issue with marriage thats not healthy and you are very much aware of it.

She came back this morning. She promises to not let her family meddle in our relationship. Her daughter is out of town at the grandparents house for another month. I told her that we need to focus on having fun with one another and growing together without any outside pressures or influences.Stay tuned for the next episode of my soap opera.

[IndiReloaded]

I dunno, it doesn't sound like you care about this woman enough to marry her. The fact you refer to this as a soap opera, for example. Sad.