Torn between money and love...

[vashti]

I think you should be careful about chasing those butterflies in your stomach. they don't last in ANY relationship, and if that is what it takes to make you feel happy, you will have multiple divorces in your future.

[CAM]

i am willing to bet $100 and see how you feel at the age of 40.

I've passed that number, so I can say that...its lonely sometimes, but life goes on. You begin to accept the fact that every nice thing you own is going to be part of an estate sale, held on your front lawn (either before or after you die), and you sort things out accordingly. You also accept the fact that if you don't spend it, eventually, it is either going to those long lost nephews/nieces or going to support a new fountain in front of some college building..."The Cameron Waterfall"

[Gribble]

How come it's so difficult to accept that some people are meant to be bachelors? Honestly, married folk don't seem very happy to me at all.

[carl1222]

Look, if you've fallen out of romantic love with him, then go ahead and break up ... it will be much better for both of you. But I object to you (and others) calling him a "loser" because he never pursued his education and pursued an entrepreneurial path instead. Bill Gates never got his bachelor's degree ... is he a "loser?"

As you said in your original post, his income is about the same as yours. Not too shabby for a high school drop-out compared with someone with a masters at least! If you want a high-achieving risk-taker, he is perfect for you ... almost all the truly rich work for themselves. But if you desire to be with an egghead who will make a safe and moderate but respectable income, it's time to move on.

Carl.

[IndiReloaded]

I went to school with a gal who got divorced from her cop husband once she finished her doctorate. He found it hard to accept her transition from 'wife' to professional. He was also rather threatened by her education. That said, she was also extremely proud and insecure about it (she was the first 'academic' in her family), and made it a bigger issue than needed to be.

You two are on divergent paths. Happens. Best to dissolve things before you become even more bitter or get pregnant.

Just for your own FYI: even professionally matched couples rarely bring in equivalent income for the duration of their careers. Think Michelle Obama, who was the major breadwinner for a while and then became 'mom' and now First Lady.

I will say that the money sounds like an excuse to me. The construction industry here has been booming, and tradespeople are doing very well right now. Those owning a business and employing others are doing even better. It is too bad, with your business education, that you couldn't find a way to work together for your mutual gain.

[Lipp]

Alrighty Julie, let's get down to it.

[note - Im being a bit of a devil's advocate in this case ]

First off.

I have never cheated nor has he (that I know of). The first 5-6 years of our relationship was great... We were always together, had fun, and enjoyed each others company. All of our friends were jealous of our relationship. He is a great guy.. Hard worker, responsible, reliable and very affectionate. But, we are no longer on the same path in life.

@GIGA: I love him as a person... But I am no longer in love with him. I think he feels the same way. I want to LOVE someone again. I want to FEEL loved again. I want to want someone.. I want to get butterflies in my stomach when I see someone or hear someone's voice.

You'd might want to look around at any couples that have been together for years and years already - What you want is there in the beginning, but if you spend so much time together and find out so much about one another you seriously can't expect to have the "high school crush love" remaining for so long. Which is easily a reason why people cheat, they find newer people to be interesting and attractive simply because they don't know them as well as their partners.

I graduated in 2005 w/ a Graduate Degree in Accounting and am currently working for a company as a Cost of Sales Analyst. He on the other hand never graduated High School (promised to get GED). As you can see education is very important to me. He always promised me he would get his GED, and never did.

He runs his own constuction company and makes about what I make. But, if anything were to happen such as loss of work, hand, finger, bad economy... Where would he work? Mc Donalds? Whenever work was low and he wasn't bringing much $$ in I told him to go get a regular job... His response: I look like a peice of shit on paper. No one is going to hire a Highschool drop out. So, i always said... Do something about it.

So despite not having a high school diploma nor a university degree he is currently running a successful business, so don't think for a moment that you're beyond him in that field. While I'm not quite aware of how the construction business deals with it there's a fair chance that he's mistaken about his resumé looking bad, because just as there are high school drop outs with plenty of work experience there are university graduates with minimal work experience who don't know how the business works, so the latter can often be worse off.

Basing your worries that are strong enough to consider a divorce on maybes is not viable. Oh yes, people divorce people because they're worried they might get cancer and don't want to live as a widow. Geez.

Now, I am just fed up. Everything he does annoys the crap out of me. EVERYTHING... He bites his nails (I say stop, he's says stop nagging me). Anyways I am sick of it.

And as clear as you make it, if anything he does annoys you the fault is in you, and not in him. You've got issues to adress.

Also, All the debt we have is in MY NAME! He will walk away with 10k and I will walk away with 350k in debt. My student loans, mortgage on our house (that we can't sell), my car and all the CC. So, what I have done in the last year is send as much $$ to the CC and the Student loans as I could. knowing that these will become my debts and i'd have to be able to make payments solely on my income. Our house is actually rented out - so all I have to pay is the Home Owners ins. and the Taxes on the property (will try to get him to help). I have also added him to one of my credit cards as a joint owner. Once he is joint owner of the card I am going to remove my name completely... Making him responsible for this debt.

While you know your financial situation better than us I simply remind you, don't pin your paybacks on a student loan on him - Remember, he succeeded without a hefty loan to back it up.

I feel bad for wanting to leave my husband. Do I have a valid excuse/reason for this? I am leaving him because I am not sure he can support us or a family in the future. Because he doesn't look at money the same way I do. I am a saver and he is a spender. I want to save for our future and he can't stop thinking about buying a boat... He says why even work if you can't have any toys... I am content with what we have (our life) and he always wants more FREAKIN TOYS! I would really like to find someone who enjoys the same things in life as i do, who is educated, who has a good and promising career...

Is this wrong? If not... Then why do I feel so bad.

-Julie

I wouldn't agree on it, but then again, you figure that life goals and such are sort of dealt with in the years prior to marriage, and not just something that happened recently. What I would personally do would be to split the financial debts and then make him have to use his own earnings for any "extra" luxuries that he desires, or something along those lines, so that he realizes that he has to earn in order to spend as well as preventing this from jeopardizing the financial stability.

Have you even talked about kids yet? I mean, if its just the two of you, apart from the debts you oughta be able to make enough to spend on some luxuries, compared to couples that support kids.

[Cbrider]

Do you ever stop and ask yourself why you got married to this man? You're 25 years old, what drove you to get married so young? I understand that some people grow into their skin faster than others, but you we're 22 years old.

Its one of those life lessons I suppose, but my personal belief is that a person doesn't really know who they are until they are in their late 20's or so. You thought that you would be happy with this man for the rest of your life if he got his GED, I highly doubt you would stay satisfied with him for good if he got his GED. You have a right to set standards and expectations for what you want in your SO...you owe it to yourself to find EVERYTHING you want.

Its pretty clear that neither of you have any desire to be married anymore for your own separate reasons. The option is there, but neither of you want to pull the trigger which I can understand. It sucks to know that you would be the one to end it and break things up, but more often than not, the better decision is always the harder one to make.

We have only heard your version of everything, but I'm sorry, when someone says "say the word and I'm gone" or something to the effect of that, they are chicken shit. I said something to that effect once in my past relationship and I beat myself up over it for a long time. Its spineless and a low blow at a person's emotions and soft spot.

You were with this guy for 6 years, since you were very young. Relationships are great, but they can be counter productive for a lot of people. Its easy to fall into the trap of cutting yourself off from living. Your early 20's are a pretty crucial time as far as figuring out what you like and what you want to aspire to.

I am a somewhat weak person in standing up for myself in relationships, I tend to be a people pleaser and submit to easy to a dominate personality. My last girlfriend really manipulated me because of it. I didn't stand up for myself and got burned hard because of it. Its something I accept as a weak point for me and something I am working on. I thought that I wanted to be in a relationship after I broke up with her, I missed the companionship and intimacy. I let myself slide for a long time before I finally gathered myself and got on my feet. Once I had my head on straight I realized a relationship wasn't what I wanted at all, I wanted to be me. I have no intention of committing to a relationship anytime in the near future. Marriage isn't a race and I want to find what I gravitate to before I look for someone.

I think you and your husband both understand you're on a collision course with each other and that its agonizingly winding down to the inevitable. When you get there, I suggest you take time for yourself, find what you want; don't jump into another relationship. I just can't help but think that you cheated yourself out of what you really want by diving into marriage that early. Go find the person who truly lights your fire and makes you happy. He's out there, looking for you, don't settle for anything less than EVERYTHING you want, he exists.

[CAM]

How come it's so difficult to accept that some people are meant to be bachelors? Honestly, married folk don't seem very happy to me at all.

You ought to watch How to Murder Your Wife LOL

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhoRLHUGBmE"]YouTube - How to Murder Your Wife - The button defense[/ame]

[CAM]

Or this one:

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uK0tmGS6Mr4&NR=1"]YouTube - Jack Lemmon - How To Murder Your Wife - Bachelor Party[/ame]

[Babeejulss]

Do you ever stop and ask yourself why you got married to this man? You're 25 years old, what drove you to get married so young? I understand that some people grow into their skin faster than others, but you we're 22 years old.

I think alot of it may have been pressure. We were together for 5 years... Living together for 3 years. Bought a house... and so fourth. Everyone was always asking.. When are you going to get married... What if you get pregnant and your not married...

We have only heard your version of everything, but I'm sorry, when someone says "say the word and I'm gone" or something to the effect of that, they are chicken shit. I said something to that effect once in my past relationship and I beat myself up over it for a long time. Its spineless and a low blow at a person's emotions and soft spot.

He tends to say this alot. Even before our rough patch. Whenever we get into an argument it seems as though he throws that into the mix. And I always think in the back of my head. Why would he say this? Doesn't he love me. Doesn't he want to be with me? Is he trying to make me feel guilty? Is he really that insecure that he has to hurt me... I HAVE NEVER said that to him. Why would I? I wanted to be with him.

You were with this guy for 6 years, since you were very young. Relationships are great, but they can be counter productive for a lot of people. Its easy to fall into the trap of cutting yourself off from living. Your early 20's are a pretty crucial time as far as figuring out what you like and what you want to aspire to.

In my early 20's I was to busy working a full time job, part time job and going to school full time to even think about what I wanted out of life. I was sooo busy. I'm surprised he didnt leave me. Maybe We didnt have enough time together to fight. Or enough time to realize what we do/dont like about each other.

All I know is that I am thinking about having kids more and more. It's sad but I can't see US having kids together. This may be one of the reasons why I can no longer see myslef with him any longer...

When My dog wakes us up early in the morning because he has to go to the bathroom I normally take him. But on occasion I say "Babe, can you take him out?" His response: NO, you do it.... He's your dog! So if this is how you act when a dog gets up in the middle of the night, what are you going to do when I ask you to get because of a screaming child? No, you take care of it. It's your child?

[Lipp]

Selective hearing. Nice.

[IndiReloaded]

This is just another example of why you young ppl shouldn't consider marriage until you are closer to 30. Establish your career and personal quirks first.

This gal made a life commitment, marriage, without truly understanding what it entails. Now she wants to back out. No counselling, no *real* working out of issues, just looking for excuses to leave. Typical.

I would really love to hear her husband's side of things.

Babejessus, don't try to make your marriage failing HIS issue. He is who he is and you CHOSE to marry him. Were you young, dumb, ignorant when you did it? Probably. But fact is, YOU want to divorce, so do it. But take responsibility for your own choices and reasons. That is the primary thing I see lacking in your posts. You want to blame him for things but really, you are choosing to push a divorce forward. If its what you want, suck it up and just do it already. Its pretty clear to me, anyway, that your husband is not the only one with issues in your relationship. You sound insecure and kind of bitchy, TBH.

Fras or Giga: where the hell is that article about the Stages of Marriage I posted for Gig a while back? Can we make that a sticky, please?

EDIT k, here it is:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/off-topic-discussion/23356-giga-best-wishes.html#post358172[/url]

[Babeejulss]

Indie - I totally agree with you. When I have kids I will not let them get married until they are atleast 25. That way they can find themselves, get their career started and have fun, meet ppl and enjoy life before they settle down.

It's not that I am Bitchy or insecure.. If I new what I know now. I probably would have never gotten married. I am not sure why you would say I am insecure.. Is it because I felt pressured to get married? Maybe it's because of the lack of financial security.

Our Failing marriage is a collective issue. I know I am guilty of some things as well. But, I have tried. I have put my part in. I've tried to talk things through. I've tried to fix our issues. But, I can help the way I feel.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

You cant "make" your children get married at 25. Wtf lol

[Junket]

Wait wait wait.

He didn't bother getting even his GED but he's making the same amount as you, and he owns his own construction company?

How much did you pay for your beloved education?

You're making him out to be such a loser, and yet this guy is in a great position in life.

You're f*cking weird.