Everything's perfect - but for the sex

[Junket]

Sex is overrated?

She's insecure and tries to blow it off as something that is "beneath" her so she doesn't feel like she's missing out on something great (which she knows it is).

If she thinks she's above sex (or in this case, better refer to it as "love making") then wouldn't she be above something as trivial as love as well?

[the_passenger]

Frasbee, your advice was - well - best . And still is. The one time we had a serious talk about this, when my frustration was just beginning to kick in, she stressed how grateful she is for me waiting for her, she wondered if there was anything wrong with her, ... It's almost certainly fear of the unknown, because she's quite hesitant and fearful in other matters of daily life sometimes, and she's not totally confident.

She's sort of comfortable with intimacy. From the waist up... We've slept in the same bed. We are totally compatible. Until it comes to... ah, I could go on complaining about this for hours. Being anonymous really is nice.

[vashti]

Has she grown up religious? A lifetime of religion (depending on the denomination) can really mess up the way a person looks at sex for a looooong time.

[the_passenger]

P. S. Today's Romanian urban society - at least the segment we're part of, me and my girlfriend - is almost completely atheist, so there are no Christian views involved. She's probably been taught by her parents that sex is wrong, because they still see her as an immature child. They really don't trust her to be responsible, though - in all matters but this - I haven't seen a girl her age to be so mature in thinking.

I mentioned this earlier... around here, except for the old folks (grandparents?) noone is religious. It's the way she was raised, indeed, but has nothing to do with any Christian beliefs ("officially", we're both Orthodox Christians, but our contact with the Church doesn't go further than baptism and the occasional wedding or funeral...)

During another talk with her, she also mentioned both she and her younger sister were "mistakes", that, well, they're the result of poor contraception. I suppose this is where the problem lies...

[vashti]

Don't be so sure about that. If the grandparents were religious, they raised their own children (her parents) religiously, and their ideas about sex were certainly affected by the church. When they raise their own children, those ideas (originally based on religious foundations, whether or not one actively embraces that religion) are still there.

[Sooky]

Hey there,

I was in a very similar situation to your girl friend so I can totally relate to that and pretty much everything you said. Its hard to explain exactly how I feel about sex, but I'd definitely say I had an incredibly low (nearly non-existant) sex drive just like your gf so I can totally relate there. And I think you may be right about the insecurity thing and that may very well be true. Many girls especially older virgins I can imagine would be pretty scared of sex and the whole concept of sex.

However, I can understand your view too, sex is an uncontrollable desire and you can't help but feel the way you do. My ex bf was also very sexual like you and he waited a few months for me, but he couldn't handle the pressure and I'm guessing that was one of the main reasons he broke up with me. I don't blame him at all if that was why. I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did really. So I sympathise with your situation.

Anyway from my experience if sex really is that important to you and you really feel like you can't live without it then you really have a serious issue here. It is possible that you're gf will never change her views on sex. I'm pretty sure I wont. I've done much thinking about it, and I've come to the conclusion that I am probably at least some what asexual (meaning I have little to no interest in sex).

Unfortunately there is very little awareness of this in the wider community and a lot of people would say I'm crazy (maybe I am , but that’s a unconnected condition) and that asexuality doesn't exist. But it does. And obviously sexuallity and how sexual you are is a spectrum so some people are very sexual and some are barely sexual at tall or non sexual.

Anyway going by my own experience my advice would be to really talk to her about the whole thing, give her a bit of time maybe. But if it persists for much longer, you may have to consider the possibility that she’s verging on asexual and just has little to no interest in sex.

In the end you either have a sex drive (as you clearly do + most people do) or you don't. It’s not something you can really force or pretend (well you can to some extent, obviously you can make yourself have sex / allow someone to have sex with you, but if you do you probably won't really enjoy it).

For some people sex just doesn't feel right. Just like homosexual people don't want / enjoy straight sex, or straight people wouldn't want / enjoy homosexual sex... its along the same lines really. Some people are just non-sexual and they don't want / enjoy any sex. Since she hasn't experienced sex, maybe she'd feel differently after experiencing it, but not necessarily. And if she really feels no desires that way and is that scared/ against sex then its possible that she’s just not a sexual person.

Sex is different to romantic love though. Think this is what my ex bf also couldn’t understand. You can still love someone and feel strongly for them but be asexual. It’s a tough situation, and at only 18 she may just be scared of sex. Maybe she just has to really think some things through like I did. If its just a low sex drive she suffers from maybe she could get pills to help her with that from the doctor? Its sometimes possible. And if she’s taking the contraceptive pill already this may be significantly lowering her libido.

I’m sorry you're in this situation, I’ve been there so I know how hard it can be, well from her side, scared that you’re going to loose the other person, so I guess you feel something similar if you fear you may break up over this.

Anyway talk to her,

Hope it works out for you, I really do.

PS- In the mean time maybe try looking at this message board. It really helped me. Maybe it would help your gf too - [url]http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/[/url]. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me that I was alone, that no one else felt as I do. But its important to tell her there’s nothing wrong with her, whatever happens and she’s not alone.

[the_passenger]

I was hoping you'd see my topic and answer, Sooky. But it's not that... It's not asexuality, it's just the fear of the unknown and "not being prepared". Talked to her, feel much better now. Am going to wait for her, if that's what it takes. Because that's what she asked me to, and she said she felt really sorry for not being able to make me completely happy right now. I don't know how long I will hold out - abstinence is so damn stressful. My nerves just - well, kind of - couldn't stretch any more last evening, that led to an awful quarter of an hour, but we made up instantly, thank god.

I'm afraid it's continuously going to build up inside me and once in a while I'm going to snap at her.

[The Great OV!!!]

Hey there,

I was in a very similar situation to your girl friend so I can totally relate to that and pretty much everything you said. Its hard to explain exactly how I feel about sex, but I'd definitely say I had an incredibly low (nearly non-existant) sex drive just like your gf so I can totally relate there. And I think you may be right about the insecurity thing and that may very well be true. Many girls especially older virgins I can imagine would be pretty scared of sex and the whole concept of sex.

However, I can understand your view too, sex is an uncontrollable desire and you can't help but feel the way you do. My ex bf was also very sexual like you and he waited a few months for me, but he couldn't handle the pressure and I'm guessing that was one of the main reasons he broke up with me. I don't blame him at all if that was why. I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did really. So I sympathise with your situation.

Anyway from my experience if sex really is that important to you and you really feel like you can't live without it then you really have a serious issue here. It is possible that you're gf will never change her views on sex. I'm pretty sure I wont. I've done much thinking about it, and I've come to the conclusion that I am probably at least some what asexual (meaning I have little to no interest in sex).

Unfortunately there is very little awareness of this in the wider community and a lot of people would say I'm crazy (maybe I am , but that’s a unconnected condition) and that asexuality doesn't exist. But it does. And obviously sexuallity and how sexual you are is a spectrum so some people are very sexual and some are barely sexual at tall or non sexual.

Anyway going by my own experience my advice would be to really talk to her about the whole thing, give her a bit of time maybe. But if it persists for much longer, you may have to consider the possibility that she’s verging on asexual and just has little to no interest in sex.

In the end you either have a sex drive (as you clearly do + most people do) or you don't. It’s not something you can really force or pretend (well you can to some extent, obviously you can make yourself have sex / allow someone to have sex with you, but if you do you probably won't really enjoy it).

For some people sex just doesn't feel right. Just like homosexual people don't want / enjoy straight sex, or straight people wouldn't want / enjoy homosexual sex... its along the same lines really. Some people are just non-sexual and they don't want / enjoy any sex. Since she hasn't experienced sex, maybe she'd feel differently after experiencing it, but not necessarily. And if she really feels no desires that way and is that scared/ against sex then its possible that she’s just not a sexual person.

Sex is different to romantic love though. Think this is what my ex bf also couldn’t understand. You can still love someone and feel strongly for them but be asexual. It’s a tough situation, and at only 18 she may just be scared of sex. Maybe she just has to really think some things through like I did. If its just a low sex drive she suffers from maybe she could get pills to help her with that from the doctor? Its sometimes possible. And if she’s taking the contraceptive pill already this may be significantly lowering her libido.

I’m sorry you're in this situation, I’ve been there so I know how hard it can be, well from her side, scared that you’re going to loose the other person, so I guess you feel something similar if you fear you may break up over this.

Anyway talk to her,

Hope it works out for you, I really do.

PS- In the mean time maybe try looking at this message board. It really helped me. Maybe it would help your gf too - [url]http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/[/url]. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me that I was alone, that no one else felt as I do. But its important to tell her there’s nothing wrong with her, whatever happens and she’s not alone.

[the_passenger]

I’m sorry you're in this situation, I’ve been there so I know how hard it can be, well from her side, scared that you’re going to loose the other person,so I guess you feel something similar if you fear you may break up over this.

It made me google "love" just to ask for advice. I can't stand computers and technology. Yes, that's exactly how I feel. It's weird and new.

[Sooky]

hehehe.. yeah... sorry guys. I'm definately a champion of the waffle typing... Got to be getting close to the longest post ever award though right?

One of Benders famous phrases springs to mind ... "I'm not reading that crap, summerise it in one word!"....

[Imperielle1119]

Sooky,
I can't send private messages yet, but I wanted to ask you about your experience with your bf and having little to no sex. I'm in a very similar situation. My bf and I have been together on and off for a long time. Just recently, we started talking very seriously about getting married. And I told him I needed some time to think about what I want from life. So we haven't seen each other much for the last week. And the conclusion I've come to is this: My bf would make a wonderful husband. We are the best of friends, and we have an incredibly strong bond - lots in common, complementary viewpoints, similar hobbies, and the best of all great communication and emotional intimacy. The problem is I have a pretty strong sex drive, but for some reason I don't want to have sex with him. He's good looking and a master in the bedroom. I feel I should be completely satisfied - he does everything perfectly, exactly the way i want it and more. And he wants so much to be a sex god that he takes total initiative to try and improve his sexual skills. Sexually, he is a dream come true. So I can't figure out why I don't want to have sex with him because I do find other men attractive and think about having sex with them. So my first question is what do you think is going on with me/us? And secondly, do you think it can change over time?
If we were to get married or just even to stay together, do you think it is something that can be worked out? Like if I'm just not physically attracted to him, is that something I can change?

PS. Anybody, feel free to respond. Thanks!!

[blakiki]

well if she sees sex as weird and gross, is it less you 'waiting' and more just her putting it off? have you asked her if she knows when she'll be prepared and anything like that, if you both love each other and neither of you have any "i wanna stay a virgin til marriage' views (as i do for religious reasons, but i wouldn't ask or recommend you conform to a faith you aren't affiliated with) then there shouldn't be a problem aside from her being afraid, and frankly, she can't very well never have sex, so why not now?

[Tiay]

I dunno about the asexual thing. I have heard of that. But so far, it's more likely she's just a shy virgin. horses not zebras.

She fears something is "wrong with her", is uncomfortable with masturbation and oral, but comfortable with above-waist intimacy?

AHA! She's me!
well.. the 18 year old me. Except I never thought sex was below me... Seeing as I only had sex at 20, you're in for long wait. buy yourself a fleshlight.
So, to give you an insecure shy virgin's perspective: the things our parts start doing when we hit puberty are just scary as hell. Many girls start thinking that there must be something wrong with them. But intimacy is still good, which is why above-waist intimacy is no problem. We didn't even know where the heck the tampon was supposed to fit.. so how is your scary penis supposed to fit without severe pain? I was actually convinced that it wouldn't. But hold it, you're talking about sex when she isn't even comfortable with oral. You gotta show her that you're not in any way repulsed by her parts- in fact, you crave them and find them beautiful!

So how far have you gotten exactly? does she also want to keep her pants and/or panties on, stays under the covers, and have the lights off or low?

[clynn]

Your English is really good (it isn't obvious that you don't use it that often).

[Mel]

She is young. Don't push her. Maybe she would like to make love to her husband. There are still a few out there that still believe in this.