good idea or bad idea...send girl food @ work

[Tired]

You want to be the fun, easy going guy who doesn't take life too seriously. Who's not worried about achieving some milestones like dinners. You want to give her an experience around which she can wrap her feelings. Everything else will come on its own through chemistry.

i was thinking sending her the pizza was funny and not too serious.....it's not flowers, or a diamond as vashti said.

I was picturing it as humorous and something a little different that would surprise her.

[Tired]

That's silly. It's just a pizza - not a diamond. That's hardy a big investment. If she was on the fence, the pizza could charm her. Some people need convincing.

But yes - you shoud follow it up with a direct question. It shows maturity. If she flakes after that, blow her off.

I'm kinda wondering when to directly ask her point blank whats going on. I don't want to push her but at the same time she has said yes to going out twice, then she backed out then after she backed out she said she was gonna think about it.

I need to know if shes really thinking about it, and if shes just nervous, scared, cold feet, whatever the case may be.....or if she has already made up her mind that nothing is ever gonna happen. She needs to tell me definitively whats going on, I'm kinda at a loss where I don't know what to do and how to move forward with her.

Where she was leading me on, making it clear she wanted things to happen....since she backed out and said she'd think about it i've just been left in the dark I feel like

[Mish]

i was thinking sending her the pizza was funny and not too serious.....it's not flowers, or a diamond as vashti said.

I was picturing it as humorous and something a little different that would surprise her.

Perhaps

But there could be different ways to read her behaviour. By changing her mind about dinner she could be saying "Wow, I'm not ready to take things one step further with this guy, I wish he would just slow down". If that's indeed what she's thinking then pizza is not going to work in your favour.

If I were you, I would do just that. Slow down and have fun. If there's a good chemistry between the two of you, then lunches, dinners aren't really that important. It's all about that chemistry and how the two of you get along together.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, forget her. Send me a pizza instead. I'm hungry.

[GrkScorp]

I'm kinda wondering when to directly ask her point blank whats going on. I don't want to push her but at the same time she has said yes to going out twice, then she backed out then after she backed out she said she was gonna think about it.

I need to know if shes really thinking about it, and if shes just nervous, scared, cold feet, whatever the case may be.....or if she has already made up her mind that nothing is ever gonna happen. She needs to tell me definitively whats going on, I'm kinda at a loss where I don't know what to do and how to move forward with her.

Where she was leading me on, making it clear she wanted things to happen....since she backed out and said she'd think about it i've just been left in the dark I feel like

Woah.. back the fcuk up..

Look.. honestly..., honestly...., you don't care.. you shouldn't bother thinking about all that.. because it doesn't matter.. all that matters is what you do.. not what she's thinking..

And what you're doing right now, is thinking about what she's thinking, pumping yourself up with doubt.. which will translate to uncertainty when you're around her.. which will translate to fear.. and will make you lock-up and be nervous when you're next to her.. That's one plan.. one way to go about it..

Or, instead of trying so hard.. instead of putting so much thought and effort into a woman who you really don't know that well.. who hasn't really done anything to deserve this..., instead of doing that.. you can just stick to what you were going to do with the pizza and the note.. and then talk to her later.. it's not a big deal.. it doesn't mean anything.. it was just funny.. and you can say something like..

"Well, it's not exactly my idea of a first date either.., but at least now YOU owe ME.."

Blah blah (Notice if she raises any indirect objections to you calling it "a first date".. such as, "I have a boyfriend, there's this guy i'm talking to, i'm seeing this guy lately, i'm too busy with my career right now and not ready to be in a relationship now but after I meet some other guy who is not you maybe i'll suddenly be ready")

"Actually, have you ever been to _____? Really? Well, next time you go out of the cave you live in.. you should eat their pizza/sushi/etc.. it's so good.."

Blah blah (Notice again if she raises any indirect objections, this is your best indicator, you haven't even mentioned anything.. if she objects to no-face-value.. that just shows you that she's THINKING of saying "no" without you even having to say anything.. it's a no-go)

"I'm actually leaving right now.. why don't we go get some coffee? Common, if we hurry, i'll show you were that place I was talking about is.."

Blah blah (Again, look out for any "excuses".. they're all bullsh*t.. and if you happen to hear one.. wish her a goodnight, and only give her a friendly "hi" in the office from now on)

"Hey, why don't you tell me which day you're not that busy this weekend.. if i'm not doing anything, maybe we'll go there.."

(It's not back-to-back.. there are loads of conversational threads in between those.. you plant seeds, test for compliance.. and move forward.. if at one step she fails.. you can try and re-do.. but if you feel that she's just playing games "cough cough.. the female-ego's favorite; hard-to-get" fcuk her, let her go home to her vibrator and soap operas.. you can invest your time, effort, and money in someone else who deserves it and is less game-playing; not to mention more interested)

Seeding and compliance pushing/gauging is a good way of avoiding a huge ego/time/effort/money investement, only to get nothing in return.. It slowly pushes.. so if it comes time to cut your losses, they're not that deep.. (Risk management applied to dating)

It's much better than:

- Spending all your time and mental energy to think of something clever, sweet, thoughtful, or romantic
- Spending a lot of effort and money
- Dumping your heart and ego on the table
- Jumping strait for "asking" her to go out

(Only to have to bear with such losses)

Slow things down.. take small steps to make the process smoother.. at any point where you feel she's too costly in terms of the effort/time/energy/money/etc she requires in relation to any benefits she provides (which at this point, her benefits are close to ZERO).. you can cut your losses and throw her away.. If you are paying more "it's costing you".. and you're not getting anything in return "no benefit" (no, i'm not talking about sex).. then just STOP!

Best,

GrkScorp

[Rosebud]

I'm kinda wondering when to directly ask her point blank whats going on. I don't want to push her but at the same time she has said yes to going out twice, then she backed out then after she backed out she said she was gonna think about it.

I need to know if shes really thinking about it, and if shes just nervous, scared, cold feet, whatever the case may be.....or if she has already made up her mind that nothing is ever gonna happen. She needs to tell me definitively whats going on, I'm kinda at a loss where I don't know what to do and how to move forward with her.

Where she was leading me on, making it clear she wanted things to happen....since she backed out and said she'd think about it i've just been left in the dark I feel like

OK Hold up here... You said all that has happened thus far was you asking her out and her saying yes twice, and then she backed out right? How exactly is she leading you on? Something might have come up and she just might not have had another opportunity since. And why do you need to know where you stand with her so soon? This is my 2 cents:

Send her the pizza. It's a nice gesture whether anything comes from it or not, and your doing what you said you would. If she doesn't like the idea it's her loss, but I doubt that will happen.

Next stop thinking so deep about this, it really is just a pizza. Your worrying way to much about what might happen or what she's thinking before either of you have showed any interest in one another.

[misombra]

people worry themselves to death over small shit.

[IndiReloaded]

Yeh, I was thinking the same. Why would you want to reward her flakiness?

Do you know why she backed out? Did she give you a reason?

I wouldn't bother to reward her for her bad behavior. Instead I'd send her an email with a photo of some really nice food with a caption that reads something like:

"I just want you to know that even though you couldn't make it to dinner last night I still went out and had a great time in your absence. Mmmmmm, yummy yummy food that just melted in my mouth. Look at it, delicious isn't it? Wanna try some??? .................. Sorry, you couldn't make it. Mmm, mmm, mmm haven't had dinner like that for a looooooooong while. It's too bad you missed out"

I gotta agree w/Mish on this. She backed out twice & you still want to do something for her? Why? Who wants to date someone who won't even make the effort to go on a date?

But there's certainly no harm in sending the pizza. Its a novel idea. Just don't be disappointed if she doesn't respond favourably (or at all).

[vashti]

I'd send the pizza, and then ca her later in the day to see if she got it. At that point you can ask her if she intends to EVER go out with you, or should you stop trying to impress her. If she says she is interested, set a date immediately. If she cancels again, blow her off. If she says she isn't interested, just tell her you wish she had been honest sooner (if you'd like).

[Mish]

And just to remind, I'm a fan of subtle approach. Subtle meaning you don't reveal your interest or anything that may remotely be associated with interest or give a hint that you are interested in anything beyond friendship (Until at least you're past making out point).

Revelation of interest in the early stages kills attraction. It leaves nothing to mystery or imagination. When you ask to go out, you ask to go out as friends only, talking about friends stuff and having fun. Don't give her an impression you're interested in anything more than that. Leave her guessing.

Also don't forget, she's a co-worker. You need to be subtle in order to protect your working relationship with her. Give yourself some wiggle room.

[vashti]

??? Don't reveal you are interested? That is silly. Somehow I doubt that confident men have an issue with acknowledging what they want.

[Mish]

??? Don't reveal you are interested? That is silly. Somehow I doubt that confident men have an issue with acknowledging what they want.

Ahh, but confident AND Intelligent men don't have an issue acknowledging what they want AND don't have an issue getting what they want. If revealing interest kills attraction it doesn't make any sense why interest should be revealed until the other person is fully explored.

Plus don't forget there are signs, hints, social generalities where interest can be revealed subtly. You don't need to be blunt and make uncomfortable or alienate your prospect with blunt questions.

[Gigabitch]

For me, a clear display of interest is like throwing a light switch. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I've been turned to Jello by someone showing how interested he is, especially to the exclusion of others.

I am too embarrassed to cite examples of how easy a pickup I've been.

[Mish]

For me, a clear display of interest is like throwing a light switch. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I've been turned to Jello by someone showing how interested he is, especially to the exclusion of others.

I am too embarrassed to cite examples of how easy a pickup I've been.

There's no doubt it can work. But think of it from this point of view. Why reveal interest in someone you don't even fully know? What's the rush? Why not get to know the person as a friend to see that you really ARE interested in them and this is not some sort of unreasonable infatuation? Infautations happen all the time, they come and go very quickly. It's better to have certainty that you really are interested in this person (for yourself at least) before going ahead with the revelation. And to fully know the person, you have to spend time with them, lunches, dinners, movies etc...

A much more terrible thing is to reveal interest in a person only to find out they aren't really what you want, leading them astray, giving them false hope.

This is how I see it, it makes sense to me and these are the principles from which I give my recommendations.

[vashti]

Why not get to know them as a friend first? Because women don't often date friends. Duh.