The July NC Challenge

[Wakeup]

Do you seriously think that what these people in this thread are doing is helping them? if it is helping them then why do so many of them keep caving and contacting their exes? This is not about me pushing my agenda... it is about me using my common sense. They keep talking and writing about their missing someone and striving not to contact them and they are not utilizing their brain power to actually get over them and reach the stage of indifference to them.

Common sesnse. Not some agenda.

As for telling people what they want to hear. I'm not looking for advice.

[misombra]

I don't know what will work. It depends on the situation. I'm sure people who take your forced indifference route have gone back and contacted their ex as well. Its not about what I think will and won't work anyway, its about your belief that you are right and know what's best and anyone with a differing opinion is to be knocked right over.

Get over yourself. You're not afraid to tell people what they don't want to hear so don't get mad when it comes back to you.

[Wakeup]

I'm hardly mad.. we're having a debate here (which I enjoy participating in) My belief is that what these people are doing is unhealthy and I've given reasons why. You on the other hand have not backed up what you're saying but are simply trying to make it personal.

If I state something and someone doesn't agree then they post their opinion. It's called debate and when you debate someones opinion (which all it is, is an opinion) then you'd do well to have some backup statements as to why you feel that way about the topic being debated. If I'm don't agree, then I will say why.

If you respond with a rebuttal, I shall respond with one as well the only difference is I'm giving reasons for why I think these people should change things up.

We can certainly agree to disagree if you don't have anything to say on the topic itself. Simple.

*Anyway, July is nearly over. Will there be an August NC "Challenge" I wonder?

***The last two posts were in response to Misombra who has deleted post(s)

[Kyeema]

This has got nothing to do with "coming down on people" but everything to do with stategies to forget one's ex instead of keeping them forefront in one's mind. It's common sense to understand that if you keep talking about something, you'll never stop thinking about it (them).

Strategies which might help or have helped you, but need not necessarily help others... ever thought about that?

it is about me using my common sense. They keep talking and writing about their missing someone and striving not to contact them and they are not utilizing their brain power to actually get over them and reach the stage of indifference to them.

Well, if it was all about brain power when you need to let go off someone, we wouldn't post here, we would just do it, wouldn't we? Emotions are a bit more tricky and often intervene with what people's minds think is best. The subconsicous over the conscious.

And I also think that everyone has their right time when they are ready to really let go... some need to write or talk about how they miss their exs for days, some for weeks, some for months but then suddenly comes the time when it clicks and they actually are able to let go. The writing and talking is nothing but preparing and paving the way for this moment. Oh and yes, some never get over it, simply because they can't or deep inside don't want to let go... wakeup, I feel you tend to write with your brain, which is good, but sometimes people need to read something that comes from the heart, speaking heart to heart...

Another thing: you seem to love to give advice. I, however, find you're usually not even suggesting, but you're explicitely telling people what's best for them to do. From a psychological point of view that's not very helpful. Shouldn't people rather be empowered here in this forum to figure that out themselves?

And finally... the german word for advice is "Ratschlag" which is made up of 2 words: "Rat" = "advice" and "Schlag" = "beat/hit"... so it means you are "hit by advice"... and being hits always hurts...

[IndiReloaded]

You spend too much time in the lab!!!! Go out woman!

LOL, I hardly ever see a lab these days. This semester is a bit flipped for me--big deadline coming up. Planning to take some time off in the fall. I'll disappear for a bit in August tho, I think, to catch up on sleep.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm hardly mad.. we're having a debate here (which I enjoy participating in) My belief is that what these people are doing is unhealthy and I've given reasons why. You on the other hand have not backed up what you're saying but are simply trying to make it personal.

Oh give over already WU. Do you try to sound like a pretentious ass. Its a weird thing to aspire to, but shrug. I get accused of being cold and analytic, or worse, which I absolutely am. I just don't try to justify myself.

[Wakeup]

Strategies which might help or have helped you, but need not necessarily help others... ever thought about that?

Yes, of course I've thought of that. How do you think I've come to the conclusion that I have ... going by the posts.. what they are doing is not helping many of them to resolve to never call their ex again.

Well, if it was all about brain power when you need to let go off someone, we wouldn't post here, we would just do it, wouldn't we?

So many who post in this thread show lots of symptoms of codependency and this thread is also a symptom of codependency.

Emotions are a bit more tricky and often intervene with what people's minds think is best. The subconsicous over the conscious.

That I agree with. Tis why I try to bring the sub to the fore and show that them that by the evidence, it would appear that they like their pain or they'd have resolved that no contact is in their own best interests and they'd not cave. Thats how I see it.

And I also think that everyone has their right time when they are ready to really let go... some need to write or talk about how they miss their exs for days, some for weeks, some for months but then suddenly comes the time when it clicks and they actually are able to let go.

That is my point. If they change things up then perhaps they'll let go and something will click soon for therm.

The writing and talking is nothing but preparing and paving the way for this moment.

Why make it such a long and winding road, I wonder?

[qute] Oh and yes, some never get over it, simply because they can't or deep inside don't want to let go...[/quote] That's what I see when I see these people post in here day after day.. people afraid to let go.

wakeup, I feel you tend to write with your brain, which is good, but sometimes people need to read something that comes from the heart, speaking heart to heart...

i get your point but IMO there are enough people in here that post in that manner I'm thinking.

Another thing: you seem to love to give advice. I, however, find you're usually not even suggesting, but you're explicitely telling people what's best for them to do. From a psychological point of view that's not very helpful. Shouldn't people rather be empowered here in this forum to figure that out themselves?

They can read and if it helps then so be it. If it doesn't then they can choose to ignore it. It isn't always helpful, but it isn't always NOT helpful either. As one poster put it "I'm a pain in the ass" but I'm usually spot on about it"

And finally... the german word for advice is "Ratschlag" which is made up of 2 words: "Rat" = "advice" and "Schlag" = "beat/hit"... so it means you are "hit by advice"... and being hits always hurts...

(sorry but) *rolls eyes*

[Petit Papillon]

LOL, I hardly ever see a lab these days. This semester is a bit flipped for me--big deadline coming up. Planning to take some time off in the fall. I'll disappear for a bit in August tho, I think, to catch up on sleep.

I disappear too, i'm finishing exams and then i'm gone spending time with my bf and either sleeping on the beach or travelling Everyone needs holidays and you too Indi , no need to waste time for LF or other nonsense I hope the weather at your place is not as ****ed up as here... We literally have no summer, it didn't even begin, the average temperature must be 15 C degrees and it's raining basically every day ... It's awful,can't wait to fly to Spain where it's warm but not as hot as in previous years... It's hardly 30 C degrees where normally july,august it's 40 C or more ... I soooo wish for global warming But have no freaking idea where it is... Winters are cold, springs too, autumns too and now summer ... It's basically november since last october :/

[misombra]

I'll trade places with anybody who says they want warm weather.

[Kyeema]

Why make it such a long and winding road, I wonder?

I think there are several reasons for that:
1. They can't see the summit (= can't imagine what it will be like or that it will feel good when they finally managed to let go) so they wander around...
2. Sometimes the way straight to the summit is way more tiring than the winding road...
3. Sometimes the way straight to the summit is even impossible because it's to steep so you have to take the winding road...
But tbh I think reason 1 is the one why most of us take the winding road... I still can't imagine that I will feel better when I have managed to let go completely, because I still miss him so much and although my mind knows that letting go is the only thing I can do, my heart still cries out for him no matter what I do or how angry/disappointed/hurt I am... yes, I feel stupid, but tell me how to re-program my heart and I will instantly do it!

people afraid to let go.

... because they don't know where letting go will lead them and if this then will really be a better place...

btw, do you have a post where I can read about your story? Would really be interested in it!

[Petit Papillon]

I'll trade places with anybody who says they want warm weather.

MEEEEE PLEASE!!! I'm seriously getting depressed here. I swear it doesn't stop to rain since few days and I don't remember how sun looks like

[senokotmax]

Day Ten. Longest we've gone without talking to each other since 2006 (when we started going out).

[IndiReloaded]

my heart still cries out for him no matter what I do or how angry/disappointed/hurt I am... yes, I feel stupid, but tell me how to re-program my heart and I will instantly do it!

See? You're all mice, I tell you.

[Renwo]

Reading this thread and posting here helps to ease the pain. I can't take my mind off the situation regardless of what I do.

On that note, today is another Day 1 for me.

On our 1 month break up "anniversary" which was Saturday, she drunk called and texted me, "come home to me." How heart broken she was and all that jazz. It was actually the first time in the month we were broken up that she tried to get me back honestly, and not through manipulation techniques. Luckily I was out of town, and told her I'll talk to her tomorrow sober. Called yesterday and had a friendly fifteen minute conversation. We agreed that we still love each other, but at the same time we are not good for each other, and we have to quit this "bad habit." I've also got a confirmation that she is already seeing someone else, which I already knew from a mutual friend. Guess her rebound isn't working out too well. I'm still torn, heart wants her back, logic and common sense do not.

So here I am, not contacting her, but I'm sure in a matter of days she will contact me. That's the problem really. She keeps contacting me, and I reply.

[Wakeup]

On our 1 month break up "anniversary" which was Saturday, she drunk called and texted me, "come home to me." How heart broken she was and all that jazz. It was actually the first time in the month we were broken up that she tried to get me back honestly, and not through manipulation techniques. Luckily I was out of town, and told her I'll talk to her tomorrow sober. Called yesterday and had a friendly fifteen minute conversation. We agreed that we still love each other, but at the same time we are not good for each other, and we have to quit this "bad habit." I've also got a confirmation that she is already seeing someone else, which I already knew from a mutual friend. Guess her rebound isn't working out too well. I'm still torn, heart wants her back, logic and common sense do not.

So here I am, not contacting her, but I'm sure in a matter of days she will contact me. That's the problem really. She keeps contacting me, and I reply.

It's about self control and resignation. You've not accepted that you need to be broken up yet so instead of closing the door, you have "meaningful" conversations that leave things open to hope and biased interpretation. Have you actually told her that the relationship is finished, you're with a new man so please do not call me again, then blocking and deleteing her?

I'm not saying doing that is easy but, if you want to stop smoking (thinking about her all the time) then you have to stop taking drags off that cigarette (continuing to talk to her). I don't know why you two broke up but if you're not going to fix it together, then why are you torturing one another the way you're doing?