hes been texting another woman but swears he didnt cheat. been together 11 years

[michelle23]

well if other people can get past it-good for them. i just wont ever understand y anyone would stay in a situation that makes them so unhappy for so long. maybe they learn to live with it but i doubt they are ever as happy as they were before it happened. trust isnt just about knowing he wont do anything when he walks out the door. its everything. feeling safe in his arms, being able to confide, emotional support, sex, aaffection, intimacy, feeling like hes the one person who wont stab you in the back, the first person you turn to when your upset, not feeling alone. it all plays a huge part in trusting one another 100%. thats a LOT of work to try and get back. a lot of damage that needs fixing. may as well break a vase and try to glue it back together.

[josie33]

i have been reading alot online and trying to gather my thoughts on it. im reading things from both sides too. it seems alot so finalise by suggesting may have been issues in the relationship which i admit there were. he and i agree we have let ourselves drift the last few years - not excusing at all whats happened - but admitting we dont give eachother the attention we used to. we are great together- we make a great team- but alot of the 'coupley' bits we let slip. thats what we are going to work on. i know i have been irrational at times and said some stupid things on here . i am embarrassed about that. but its not so easy to think straight. i will work on that also. maybe i just needed you all to shout it at me. anyway friday tonight so having movie date night, nice meal curled up on couch. pj weekend planned in too.

[smackie9]

You do whatever works for you josie. You are just going through a healing process, and since he is on board with working on the issues, you will stop having those thoughts and feelings. I wish you all the best.

[michelle23]

i wish you all the best too and know you will be okay whatever the outcome xx

[josie33]

its very difficult to not wonder if he is still seeing her after work. worked a bit late on friday and made me worry occured to me he prob could see her for bit after work without me knowing maybe i should.get something for anxiety

[j-white]

I've had an emotional affair before and really I find it to be a sign that the relationship is on its last legs. It was discontentment that got the ball rolling and really it sounds as though the relationship is more of a drag than it was at the start with you spying or being clingy (understandably).

I think you're swimming against the current and it's only a matter of time until this girl or another comes along and he finds the balls to do what he often wants to do, and end things.
Is he a risk taker? I bet he isn't.

This situation isn't making you happy anyway and what's the point in the relationship if it's making you so miserable all of the time?

[smackie9]

If you read through this thread you will see that her BF is making a full effort to reconnect with her and work through this bump in the road. Sometimes people have emotional affairs because it's a more like a cry for attention.

[michelle23]

is it unusul for him to work late josie? only time will tell hun. maybe you just got to ride the storm and see what happens and if the worst does happen, you need to have faith that you are strong enough to handle it no matter what life throws at you. how you feel right now is totally normal so dont beat yourself up over it.

i think j is right about one thing. IF he doesnt learn that turning to someone else is NEVER the answer and fully understand that no matter how bad things get-you dont deserve that, then it is likely to happen again. the problem lies with him and i dont think he fully understands that coz he was saying "it wont happen again IF you do this or that" when he should be saying "there is absolutely NO excuse for what i have done nd iwill NEVER EVER repeat it"

Maybe a tarot reading would help you? always helps me when im feeling anxious or overwhelmed

[smackie9]

What always helped me is crackin a beer and forgetting about it.

[josie33]

he left work normal time which was 'late' as it was friday early day. its happened once or twice alhough very rarely. he has been moved to a new section and said he was slammed by a late order so couldnt get away early. i have to believe it as its all i have to go on. it just made me see how easy it would be to finish early to see her (she finishes early every day) then claim to me he left at norm time.

[michelle23]

have you asked him? you do need to communicate. dont tiptoe around the issue. be assertive and calmly ask him has he had any contact with her since X day?

[josie33]

yes. he is adament he has not. he said he is not interested in her, it was all just a fantasy he got sucked into for the attention as we had drifted. he said yes, potentially he could see her but he has chosen to be with me.he does not want to see or speak to her. he said i am fixated on her instead of trying to fix our relationship. he aaid he will do whatever it takes but we need to do it together and i need to start believing him n relaxing around him. he says he is worried i will never forgive him but to not write him off yet

[smackie9]

In other words he is aware of the damage has been done, but if you want him to step up and make it work, he expects you to do the same. He is is also saying he is giving you a chance to recover and your questions are understandable BUT if your feelings don't change, he is going to call it.

[michelle23]

i think she should call it. these doubts aint going away. do the crime and pay the ultimate price-losing wifey. thats my motto. id see it as a sign hes not the right one. black and white-yes. easy-no. but i think you bith have such a fear of being alone that neither will walk away (co-dependant) and neither of you are happy..

these fears and anxiety are not going away for a reason-coz you dont believe him and hes still lying. something DID happen-no way in hell was it just emotional and it wasnt just a fantasy. he thought he was in love with her but now realises he wasnt but its a little late..

[Jffs24]

Why is this thread still open and ongoing. If she can't figure it in 14 pages, drop it and go see someone to talk to in real life or drop the guy if he is causing this many trust issues and headaches. Srsly.