hes been texting another woman but swears he didnt cheat. been together 11 years

**michelle23** · 05-09-13, 05:59 AM

but thats the point. she has NO piece of mind. everything has changed, her world has turned upside down, shes lost, in shock, denial, pain, confused.. it is up to him to make the first steps here-shes in zombie mode. shes not functioning properly. shes not checking the computer to catch him out-shes likely looking for reassurance that hes not doing anything by snooping. WU you obviously have not been in this situation before. its hell, torture. let her do whatever she needs to do even if that means snooping. many therapists would encourage FULL access to everything until trust is regained-IF ever. as well as her being allowed to talk about it whenever she wants and to ask ALL the QS going around in her head

she cant just move on and let it go. that wont happen for a long time. she needs answers and shes in turmoil right now. i do understand how she feels which is y i was so adamant to leave coz i highly doubt these feelings ever fully fade if you stay

**michelle23** · 05-09-13, 06:03 AM

Originally Posted by Wakeup

Michelle.. you agreed with the poster who did say it was a red flag. I'm not here to entertain your back tracking and I'm trying to have a decent discussion with the Op that is on topic so please don't bother it's not important to the issue at hand whether or not you did something.

i didnt agree to the computer thing but this WHOLE situation is a red flag from the second he stepped out of their union to meet his emotional needs elsewhere coz hes tmuch of a passive aggressive weak ass pussy to talk to his wife when shit hits the fan (practically maried)

**Wakeup** · 05-09-13, 06:04 AM

full access I am not discouraging. I'm discouraging her current mode of coping. Snooping and coming here behind his back to talk about this is her talking about this with the wrong people. Obviously! We are no longer helping her. None of us.

She asked him and he swore he was'nt on the computer and then she still came here and wanted us to tell her things we can not possibly know the answer to.

No one said for her to move on and get over it right now. She does need to move on from what she's currently doing though and find something else that will settle her mind.

I'd still like to know what positive things you've been doing to help you get to a more trusting space, josie.

**Wakeup** · 05-09-13, 06:29 AM

Josie: Post No. 182 is exactly why I say coming here now is not in your own best interests. Seek other means of regaining your trust with him rather then hearing unhelpful tripe like that.

So: If you want to keep talking here, can you tell us what positive steps you and your husband (yes common-law husband) have taken to actually get YOU in a better state of mind. If the answer to that is nothing, then of course you're not going to start feeling any more secure.

**Wakeup** · 05-09-13, 06:33 AM

Lets concentrate on what's improved (if anything) to start. Perhaps our comments on the improvments will help you to relax somewhat (arguing with one another isn't helpful and I apologize for that)

**smackie9** · 05-09-13, 06:53 AM

I am sticking to my guns....you are not helping her in her hurt and confusion by beating her down. There is a lot of pain that has to subside before the paranoia does.

**BackUpOrGetStng** · 05-09-13, 07:42 AM

Josie, do you have the other girl's Facebook? You should start checking that to see if they've been interacting at all. You have to get to the bottom of all these charades. Put a spy app on his cell phone too.

**Wakeup** · 05-09-13, 12:28 PM

Originally Posted by smackie9

I am sticking to my guns....you are not helping her in her hurt and confusion by beating her down. There is a lot of pain that has to subside before the paranoia does.

And I'm sticking to mine as well. No one is helping her here since her update. Might as well discourage her from listening to posts like above (No. 187) or from keeping on doing what she's been doing which isn't helping her in the least to reconcile this.

Josie:
What has he done, what steps has he taken that you consider reasuring you?
What have you done yourself, what steps have you done that has reassured you?

Lets here some real progress.

**michelle23** · 05-09-13, 08:11 PM

it doesnt matter what they do. jeez he cud take her to paris and propose on the eifle tower. doesnt change what he did and it doesnt take her pain away

**Wakeup** · 05-09-13, 10:39 PM

Originally Posted by michelle23

it doesnt matter what they do. jeez he cud take her to paris and propose on the eifle tower. doesnt change what he did and it doesnt take her pain away

lol and ...

WTF? I'm not talking about "taking her away to paris" (although that wouldn't hurt) I'm asking her about what constructive things SHE'S done like read books or articles, communication classes, group therapy (its cheaper) ANYTHING other then sit and snoop. Things to guide her on how to get over her current state of mind. It's going to take time, yes, no one is disputing that but it's going to take MORE THAN just time to get her past whats she's now mired in. Doing nothing but snoop IS NOT HELPHING YOU, josie.

**michelle23** · 06-09-13, 06:39 AM

and what about people who are on their 4th round of marriage counselling 8 years later and still angry and hurt after an affair? or what about people who have found new evidence 2 years and a baby later? josie this is your life from now on. stay and have this s**t in your head forever or go and meet a more loyal stronger man.. your choice

**Wakeup** · 06-09-13, 06:51 AM

... and what about those that have gone onto many happy years together having come to their senses and worked it out. You have a one track mind and you are Josie's worst enemy right now because you can't get out of your "leave him" mode of thinking. Since she's decided to stay, have you got any advise you can give her to help her do that peacefully instead of adding to her angst?

**smackie9** · 06-09-13, 06:52 AM

Michelle, not everyone agrees to condemn a person because they lost their way or made a mistake. Many survive from way worse than what has happened here, and grow closer than ever from the experience. There are people in my life that have done it and are still together happily in their relationships.

**michelle23** · 06-09-13, 07:02 AM

yes but the full truth is never told in these situations so living a happy lie must be ignorant bliss. one word: denial

**Wakeup** · 06-09-13, 09:02 AM

One word for you: "Jaded."

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