Inner Game

[bohemiandonut]

Scorp: Your posts have gotten much much better. The housing paradigm is genius.

P.S. Is gotten a word? German, perhaps?

[bohemiandonut]

Oh, also, I was wondering if this:

"Hey M, just wanted to let you know that I still like you, but I have no devious intentions, and I don't want anything from you."

...would be a good text message for a sex massage.

- Acceptance: Fact of life, people like others who like them.. but I feel this needs a little clarification.. people like others who like them, for as long as those others aren't (needy, desperate, creepy, pushy, etc).. In short, we like people who like us, but have no devious intentions, who don't want anything from us.. So the best way to think about this, is "acceptance".. We like people who are accepting of us, and we feel like us for who we are, not like they're TRYING to like us, or TRYING to make us feel liked.. but at the same time, are not judgemental or "too good" to talk to us..

[GrkScorp]

Oh, also, I was wondering if this:

"Hey M, just wanted to let you know that I still like you, but I have no devious intentions, and I don't want anything from you."

...would be a good text message for a sex massage.

No.. that's not what was ment by that..

Refer back to calibration.. When you're talking.. everything you do/say, or fail to do/say.. is simply "content".. but that content goes through a filter "intentions & motives"..

Example:

- A good friend of yours comes up to you and says.. "Hey! How are you doing?"

- A salesman comes up to you and says.. "Hey! How are you doing?"

The two are not the same.. in fact, very very different.. before the salesman even opens his/her mouth, you know they want something from you.. you know their "nice" act is exactly that.. an "act".. and he/she doesn't have your trust.. you don't feel safe and secure about letting your guard down around this person, because his/her actions have made it clear what intentions and motivations he/she has..

The same goes for "try-hard" compliments "you're so smart, you're so amazing, you're so logical, you're so creative, you're so funny".. It's better to let the other person FEEL these things, and realize them around you, via YOU, rather than try and force that feeling onto them..

So, the solution is simple.. be completely free from devious intentions.. don't try and GET something out of this person, don't NEED or PUSH for something out of this person.. Be sure and confident in yourself that it'll happen naturally, because that's exactly how it happens.. seemingly naturally..

Now, we like people who like us.. but it's not that simple.. we like people who like us because of something we did.. something that has justified them liking us.. something that supports that feeling they have for us.. sort of like evidence.. evidence we feel we were the cause of.. so we earned and deserve that legitimate respect..

The best way to do this is to allow people to prove themselves to you.. to give them that chance, and to give them the FEELING (without excplicitly saying it) that they have proved themselves to you and impressed you in some way.. Being "accepting" of them, and allowing them the chance to demonstrate their worth and value around you.. rather than trying hard and desperately to make them feel good around you through direct compliments (bad salesman technique)

Routine: (the 2-1-2)

- For the first two minutes, be accepting of the other person, give them your attention, and show them that you're paying attention through nodding, eye contact, and verbal cues that tell them you're listening..

- Then, for one minute, let your mind get distracted, think about something else related to what they're saying, but let your focus drift.. it'll show.. your eyes will be naturally distracted, your verbal cues will stop, your face will show it, that they are no longer holding your attention.. but more importantly, at this point.. the other person will try and earn your attention back (and at the same time, realize that you're NOT trying hard to be nice around them, when you're not interested, it will show)..

- For the next two minutes, be very interested in what they have to say.. (as if they just did a good job of doing/saying something to earn your attention again).. pay very close attention to details, and even ask questions..

By the end of this routine, the person will feel they just earned your attention, like they said something interesting, like you were impressed to some degree, and like you are not trying hard to be nice or pretending to like them because they've seen how you will not hesitate to lose interest (that's not something someone does who's trying hard to impress!).. only do this routine once, and only during the beginning of an interaction..

PS. in what way exactly have they become "better"? Is there anything in particular you would like to see more of?

[misombra]

that's true. i'll have to amend my dinner comment. there is a secret.. let the conversation go there naturally.

i'll tell you another secret, a girl knows if she would date you the moment she looks at you.

so if that's true, and another person is talking to you and the conversation naturally goes there, then it's likely that both people wanted to go in the first place and it was probably decided on before either person brought it up. the trick was keeping the conversation going as equally as possible.

person 1 may know more about person 2, but not too much more. and that opens up the conversation, if one is willing and comfortable, which if you've followed this method, one will most likely be willing. because like gskorp, they don't need anything from you, they don't want want anything from you, they just want to talk to you and get to know you. and that's all you want from them.

what a beautiful way to build trust and communication in a relationship.

[GrkScorp]

i'll tell you another secret, a girl knows if she would date you the moment she looks at you.

so if that's true, and another person is talking to you and the conversation naturally goes there, then it's likely that both people wanted to go in the first place and it was probably decided on before either person brought it up. the trick was keeping the conversation going as equally as possible.

Case: my "friend" Maria. Met this guy, no not me, who she really liked.. called me up 3am to tell me about it; here are some important bits from her whole account "When he first walked in, I thought, hey, he's not bad looking.. but you know, the whole place was packed with guys, and he didn't come to talk, so i'm like whatever.. blah blah.. so it turns out he used to write poems (like Maria does now) and we were talking about that, and then just fate, and spiritiality, anything.. it was fcukn' amazing i'm telling you.. I was like, wow, I really like this person, this person is like amazing.. blah blah.. so then he tells me he's going outside for a smoke (both smokers), and i'm thinking to myself, yeah right you're going out for a smoke.. he just wants me to tag along to go outside and talk.. but i'm like, whatever, you know? This guy is cool, and he's cute, so I play along and go out for a smoke even though I didn't really feel like smoking right then.. blah blah.. we just talked for hours.. maybe like just one hour really, but it seemed alot longer if you know what I mean.. and like, we both didn't want to go back inside.. so he asked me how i'm getting home.. normally i'd just walk, i'm like 4 blocks away.. so I told him that I would take a cab home, and he offered to drive me home.. so before he took it off parked, we started kissing.. blah blah (no, you're not missing anything, relax).. so then he took me home.. he didn't even catch on to the fact that I was like 4 blocks away, guys man.. so before I got out, he asked me for my number.. and like.. later on.. the same day, he called me and we talked for like an other 2 hours.. and we're going to go out again this weekend.."

It's raw convo like this that begs to be analyzed.. one of the many things that struck me as interesting is when she said "we're going to go out again this weekend".. They didn't go out in the first place, they just met, there was no date, what does she mean AGAIN? So it's interesting to notice her unconscious use or choice of language and words/phrases to capture what she's feeling and convey it to (you/me) the listener..

Anyway, I haven't met the guy, but i've been pushing her forever to go out and see some other people (not just for sex) after her break-up nearly 5 months ago.. So i'm happy she's feeling that way..

Yes, the best way to really get a feel for what it's like is to just go out there and learn for yourself.. In this case, the guy (Mike); (1) DHV-ed via his looks [fine, fair enough, but if you notice, that's not his hook-point, that just placed him on her radar, that just created some interest, but not attraction], (2) he came in, opened, and "just talked".. but infer something important from her account of the whole thing [Mike never did anything to come off as "trying hard" or "thinking" about what he was doing/saying.. except for the going outside to smoke thing, which she quickly picked up on], (lock-in point, she's interested but needs more DHV-ing & comfort building still), (3) through natural conversation (more unconscious DHV-ing & attraction-building), Mike was able to establish enough attraction to get her to want to comply and at the same time, enough comfort for her to not feel the need to resist complying to his indirect request to go outside where it was quiet and talk "excuse: go out for a smoke", which she complied with, because she WANTED to comply, and felt comfortable doing so.. (hook-point, you've DHV-ed and it's paid off, give yourself a pat on the back.. you've established enough comfort aswell.. from now on, all you're doing is establishing deeper levels of comfort to break down any and all resistance to compliance "sorry for lack of a better word, I don't intend for it to come off as some type of degrading dog-training type thing, blame Webster's..")

And so, we come to the point, of making a complete 360.. finishing the circle.. You know when you try hard to do something, and it's kind of hard to get it done.. but then, when it's not really on your mind, you have an almost super-human ability to get it done with a refreshing sense of ease and clarity? (the "when you're looking for it, you never find it, when you don't need it, it's right in front of you" effect).. Well, to keep things short.. your unconscious can move mountains.. you'd be blown away at all the things you can REALLY do, when you're not really thinking about it.. They happen seemingly automatically and naturally.. to add to that, more efficiently and effectively..

That's simply because the concsious is the domain of "analysis & logic", and the unconscious is the domain of "emotion & imagination".. Feel free to use whichever saying you like more..

- Where will and imagination are in conflict, the will WILL always lose
- Where will and imagination are in conflict, imagination will always win

No, it's not some trick, they're both the same.. the same exact meaning gets across.. take a look at it again if you don't believe me..

So, fellow guys.. this is perhaps the most "chick" worthy advice you're ever going to hear.. but it holds so much truth to it.. Intentions are everything.. if you have the wrong idea on your mind, if something is off and out of sequence.. then you will inevitably mess things up and go tragically wrong (i.e. thinking about how to talk to her, what to say, how to impress her, etc.. basically THINKING about outer-game.. will throw everything off.. refer back to calibration and see why.. it will show, because it's a conscious thought process, and you're overloading your unconscious with feeling nervous and afraid as it thinks about the zillion ways things can go and takes a dive in the world of uncertainty)

Well then? What would be the contra? This powerful mentality to have when meeting someone.. "I know my value & worth very well, it's not inflated, but nothing anyone can do or say can deflate it either, because i'm perfectly aware of who I am.. I think this person is attractive enough to POSSIBLY qualify as a gf, but i'll have to see if i'm really interested and feel that connection with something special about her.. There's no need to show-off or try and impress, because I could care less for her favor, we both know I would be the one doing her the favor, but i'm not about to shove that in her face.. no.. nor have to remind her.. If she's worth it, i'll more than gladly do her the favor.. but that's what i'm trying to find out first.. I'll be "accepting" of her, and just give us both the opportunity to just talk to eachother, and get lost in eachother.. understand and connect with eachother perfectly and completely, but naturally.. and if that connection isn't there, then I won't be mean.. but it just means i'll have to look for someone else who does qualify.. however, if that connection is there, well.. "

That's a mentality.. a state of mind to be in.. constantly if you can.. be in this mentality, and presist through all attempts to get you out of this mentality (remember, it's not in your nature to yield.. but it is in your nature to persist).. So sit down and think about what exactly this mentality means to you, how it applies to you exactly, until you start to notice it being stored permanently in the back of your mind.. deep in your unconscious, as a permanent part of who you are, now.. As you become more aware of your new seemingly natural unconscious mentality.. try and notice the changes in your behavior, both the things you do and say.. Your choice of words/phrases, tone of voice, eye movements, body-language, facial expressions, everything really.. will in some way or another be filtered through this mentality you now have.. and the best part is.. this is all Inner Game..

There's no THINKING, there's just DOING..

[Only-virgins]

Thats a lot of crap. Anyways, I failed with this girl...or lost. Whatever you wanna call it. I have been kind of deteriorating in mental health and I just can't deal with some of this pain I am feeling (has nothing to do with her). I either get through this or I don't know what to do. I think I need to just relax and lay low for a while, thoughts of suicide are never a good sign. I have been slipping a bit at work, I need to get back to doing good there. I feel like shit.

[Mish]

Thats a lot of crap. Anyways, I failed with this girl...or lost. Whatever you wanna call it. I have been kind of deteriorating in mental health and I just can't deal with some of this pain I am feeling (has nothing to do with her). I either get through this or I don't know what to do. I think I need to just relax and lay low for a while, thoughts of suicide are never a good sign. I have been slipping a bit at work, I need to get back to doing good there. I feel like shit.

Maybe going for relationships is not what you need right now then. If you go into one feeling anything less than 100% at peace with yourself, I can almost guarantee you you won't be having a very good time in one. Maybe what you need for now is to spend time with friends, go out, have a good time. Pick up something interesting like a sport or playing a guitar, something that can make you feel proud of yourself.

Then, when you're ready you can come back to catching the fish in the sea

[Only-virgins]

Maybe going for relationships is not what you need right now then. If you go into one feeling anything less than 100% at peace with yourself, I can almost guarantee you you won't be having a very good time in one. Maybe what you need for now is to spend time with friends, go out, have a good time. Pick up something interesting like a sport or playing a guitar, something that can make you feel proud of yourself.

Then, when you're ready you can come back to catching the fish in the sea

I completely dis-agree. If I am 100% at peace with myself I either am IN a relationship already as I think it maybe a part of reaching that 100% or I won't need to get one cause I won't want one because I will be 100% satisfied anyways.

[Mish]

I completely dis-agree. If I am 100% at peace with myself I either am IN a relationship already as I think it maybe a part of reaching that 100% or I won't need to get one cause I won't want one because I will be 100% satisfied anyways.

You can be 100% at peace with yourself without being in a relationship. You don't need another person to be at peace with yourself. You don't go into a relationship to plug some holes inside of you, it won't work out for you this way.

If you don't want to be in a relationship once you're 100% at peace that's completely your choice to make. Though, you might get curious what it will be like in the company of another likewise peaceful person.

[Only-virgins]

You can be 100% at peace with yourself without being in a relationship. You don't need another person to be at peace with yourself. You don't go into a relationship to plug some holes inside of you, it won't work out for you this way.

If you don't want to be in a relationship once you're 100% at peace that's completely your choice to make. Though, you might get curious what it will be like in the company of another likewise peaceful person.

Companionship is plugging a hole that is human necessity to socialize. Being 100% at peace would mean to NEED and WANT (which are the same thing actually) nothing. If I am curious about something means I am looking for something over there.

[misombra]

this is just an excuse to be miserable about losing that old high school girl.

ov, i'm afraid of you spending your whole life miserable over this. you must change your thinking.

[Only-virgins]

this is just an excuse to be miserable about losing that old high school girl.

ov, i'm afraid of you spending your whole life miserable over this. you must change your thinking.

What excuse?

[Mish]

Companionship is plugging a hole that is human necessity to socialize.

It's not really plugging an insecurity hole though. You can be 100% at peace with yourself and at the same time socialize with others.

[Only-virgins]

this is just an excuse to be miserable about losing that old high school girl.

ov, i'm afraid of you spending your whole life miserable over this. you must change your thinking.

That her thing? I think I will be fine. I can feel love waiting for me around the corner, it is bound to happen soon again. ... or else I don't know what I am gonna do.

It's not really plugging an insecurity hole though. You can be 100% at peace with yourself and at the same time socialize with others.

Never mentioned anything about insecurity. In general human companionship satisfies certain needs.

[bohemiandonut]

Life is not a race you win by finishing first.

No, that will not help you.