Separated and still in the same house

[JohnPeel]

Hi, was a good place to start.

I have been with my wife for 8 years, she has been controlling and jealous from early on, but by the time I saw the problems it was too late, I was in love and felt I could help and hoped we could work it all out together, but as the years went by I got farther away from my family, friends, and my daughters to a previous marriage.

Over the last year my wife has ended the relationship maybe 5 times, I was depressed and lonely, sad for not being able to see my children when I wanted to without an argument, sad that we spent 24 hours a day together (retired me due to ill-health, and her own small business she would go in to check on because it would have meant I would have been on my own to do what I wanted) for most of that time.

In fact, we hadn’t spent one night apart and I had only been for a drink with my friends twice in the whole 8 years, and that got thrown up in every argument we had. I have never in my life been unfaithful or abusive, and she told me that her other relationships failed because her partners cheated on her or were abusive.

What brought my wife to keep ending the relationship this last year, was that I had become so sad and depressed at missing my daughters, only getting to see them maybe once a month if I was lucky, and feeling I was becoming distant from them and fearing I would lose them all together, and so I put up some resistance and stated I wanted time to see them.

The time before last that she ended the relationship, was because I wanted to see my daughters and we argued and she ended it, but I got to see my daughters for a whole weekend because of it, before her begging me to come back and me going back like a fool. I told her that time, that the next time would be the last time, and a few months later I told her I wanted to see my daughters for a few hours a week on Sunday, and she ended it.

We have a large static caravan in the garden and I moved into that straight away, and she went to stay with her sister for a week. When she returned, she begged me to take her back, and it sounded that she was serious about working it out together this time, until she ended her begging speech with “but you need to see a shrink and need to apologise to me for what you have done”. Well, I told her to get out of the caravan and forget it.

I few weeks later I decided the caravan was bloody cold and I could see smoke coming from the wood burners in the house where it was toasty and warm, and where all my comforts were, and I thought to myself, what am I doing in this caravan when the house is in my name and my pensions cover all the bills! So I moved back into my own room and this is where I am now, 3 months later.

The house is on the market, but is not getting the viewings and it looks like it could take some time to sell. I am so sad and have fought with myself on a daily basis about wanting to get back with her, almost at a point where I feel I want to beg her to keep it going. I see her daily and she may go out and stay out once a week, and I now do the same.

I am not seeing anyone else, and I don’t know whether she is or not. She made it that bit easier for me a few days ago, but I was also sickened to the stomach at the same time. As I came into the kitchen, she was sat there with a coffee each. She said in these words “if your children disappeared of the face of the earth tomorrow, I might suggest that we give it another go”. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, my eyes filled up with tears and I froze.

I really did feel sick. I said “what the hell was that, how can you be so horrible”. She started crying and saying how she hated being made to feel less of a priority than my children (whom I rarely saw), and she was crying only for her, nothing else. At that moment the side gate blew open and I ran out to shut it before it came off it’s hinges. I was literally seconds, and as I returned, she was stood at the back door with a big smile and said “could you pass me a bottle of water out of the bunker please”. It was like nothing had happened and it was really scary.

With regard to my wonderful daughters, now aged 18 and 21, I had dinner with them, and they told me they had never expressed their feelings about my relationship with my wife, because they said they knew I would work it out in the end. They said they had always been there for me and always will be. Over the last 3 months I have seen them more than I have in the last 8 years, and I love it.

What I want to know is, how to survive living together until the house sells, is it really possible. I still hurts daily, but I now hurt for what could have been, and I am really happy for I know what will be a much better future without her. I feel she has missed out on a lot and will never ever see how it went wrong, other than it being all my fault.

I will leave here and buy a new house nearer my daughters and family, and friends who I rarely saw, and I know this is going to sound strange, but I can now even talk to people I love on the phone, without worrying about her getting a mood on for it. I have started at the gym, I cycle, and I now come and go as I please, and all of these things I wasn’t able to do before.

It feels strange, and I still feel like I shouldn’t be doing these things, but at the same time, I know I should have always been able to do these things. My family are thrilled I am getting my health back (3 stone lighter already), and are looking forward to now being able to spend time with me without me getting in the neck before I see them or straight after.

But like I said, I am still feeling sad and happy a dozen times a day. I still feel she is in control of me, and I feel I still love her and miss her. But how can that be, how can I love and miss someone who has kept me a prisoner and under her control for so many years. I feel like a wimp and like a big soft baby, and yet I was never like that before I met her, so how could I have let this happen, and more importantly, how can I get through this living together until the house sells.

I have spoken to a solicitor but they say if I move out she could change the locks and it could take years to get her out and to sell the house, I don’t want to live in my sisters spare room as she has really got her hands full already, and I can’t afford to rent a house. I have no mortgage and my bills here a very low.

Oh, and just before I managed to post this, she started a huge argument throwing all kinds of horrible words at me, before leaving and saying she will be back tomorrow. So, what do you think of me, where do you think my head is, and how do I go forward. Thanks

[woody]

Okay. Well first off, I'm sorry to read of all that has happened. I think your wife is a master manipulator who relies on your big heart to tolerate such horrific behavior on her part. REgardless of relation, ANY person that drives a wedge between a parent and their children is dangerous and ought be treated as such.

You are doing the right thing by leaving her. Evict her. It is your house. Do not allow her power plays/trips laced with manipulative tactics to deter you from your goal which is to get her out of your life..... Too long you've been under her thumb and she ought to be ashamed of herself but she isn't is she?.. No, it doesn't sound like it.
That is a very dangerous person you have there. Things she has said like, "if your children disappear off the face of the EArth, I might suggest we give it another go" What??? My God, if my partner said that to me, he'd be tossed in a moment.

I suggest you gain a hefty dose of strength, sheer will and determination and do what is right both for yourself and your children.

Wait until she leaves the house; get inside ready to work. Change the locks on her, pack her essentials and re take your home. Get ready for a storm because it will come as soon as she realizes your balls are back and they mean business.
Your allowing her to power play you? Why? What grip does she have on you. Is it really flippin worth it?

When she cries and puts on the oh so sweet lil ol me mask, remember, it is just that, a mask...... In these moments you must hold strong. Do not give in.
This woman sounds nuts. She is counting on you to fall and succumb to her plays. DON'T...
If your worried about her well being, move her into the caravan with a space heater and some wool socks.
Get your life back. You have spent waaay too long under lock and key. Well, forget that right. INdeed.
Power to you man. Self worth, perseverance and a hell of allot of will power. Don't fall for her shyte any more because man, she's full of it.

You have a divine right to protect your self and your family from any thing. Never forget that.

[JohnPeel]

Wow! That is a serious amount of truths going on in your reply. I felt all of it, it is right what you say, and that is how I go through my day at this time, I get tough with myself and feel a tonne better, then she see's it and starts her shit to put me right back again, and it does.

I bought the house with compensation money from an accident in work which left me unable to continue in my role, and she invested about a third of her own money to help restore it, and as we are married, I feel the house is half hers and don't feel I am ready to put locks on the doors, maybe I'm just to soft and would be so sad to see her crying outside with nowhere to go, but of course there is the caravan, with gas, internet, tv and all the mod cons, so yes, maybe that would suit her better.

That said, I spoke with a solicitor yesterday and she told me that my wife could do the very same thing if I was out, and that really made me think. My solicitor also told me that as the house is soley in my name, that I could gain access to the house regardless, as long as I don't kick a door down while she is in.

My daughters (18 and 20, that isnt their names by the way), told me last week that they have always been there for me and always will be, and they said they never commented on my relationship because they knew I would work it out in the end. Now that is 2 very special daughters right there.

I do understand where you are coming from though on the moving her out, and I will talk with the CAB and my solicitor again with regard to this and see where I stand. I bet you struggle to understand how I could have feelings for a woman like this, and so do I. In fact I almost hate myself for it. How could I even like a person who has been and is being so horrible. I did read an article on Stockholm Syndrome though.

Thank you for understanding, I do struggle to believe I am actually in this situation, as I was always a strong person who was well liked and caring. I had never encountered this kind of creature before and I now I know what one is, I will hopefully not fall into that trap again.

[woody]

Glad I came back and checked. Wondering about your situation there man.
Yes, your daughters do sound like very caring and patient young ladies.
Rest assure they are watching and waiting to see what Dad does as it will teach them their own future methods on how to handle a situation like this. Hopefully they'll never have to, meaning, hopefully they won't get stuck in unions like this one.
Yes your wife does indeed sound like she's got some mental problems but man, they are her's, not yours. You've given years and it is not your responsibility to cure her.

REgarding your house: your doing everything right. Your finding out your legal options, rights and taking things in stride. When you stand up for yourself, it feels good right? Right. So hold onto that. When you fall back and allow her to manipulate you, it makes you feel like crap again. This is the Universe assuring you that standing up to her is the absolute RIGHT thing to do.

When you create moments of weakness due to false hopes of her becoming human again, pause for thought man. She sounds like one cold calculating creature. Don't feel bad that you became deluded by her charms. People like her are very very good at fooling others.
Your in it now; you have knowledge, experience and are wiser for it. She will do everything she can to attempt convincing you she has changed.. I'll say it again. DON'T FALL FOR IT. If what you say is true, and you've no reason to lie on this anonymous board, she almost sounds like a sociopath. A dangerous personality to endure for so long as you have.

Draw strength from your wonderful daughters and know, you are teaching them to stand up for themselves too.

What would you do if they were with some one like this. Don't let them think it's ok because it is not ok. Again, they are watching to see what Dad does. Does he fight for his divine right to happiness or does he settle in an unhappy union. Teach them well. It is never too late.

Do some more research on the in's and out's of how best to handle the house situation. From all you have said, don't think for one second she wouldn't lock you out too. Admirable of you to wish to handle this amicably; ie, sell the house and buy her out, move on. But she does not come across as a reasonable person able to approach stuff like this amicably. Be on guard man. Stay warm. re gain your strengths because man, your going to need all of it.

Here's wishing you well. May you find your freedom again. Re connect with old friends (i'm sure they've wondered how your doing and would be stocked to learn you broke the chain), Don't get scooped on the house. REbuild your home safely away from this, what ever she is.
good luck man. Here's hoping you get it done

[JohnPeel]

Thank you so much for all your advice and support. You really sound like you know about these people and I only hope you haven't lived with one to gain your experiences. I will likely update this thread as time goes by and thanks again for your good wishes.

[JohnPeel]

I have to add, that since we separated nearly 3 months ago, in the second week, she came home and told me she fancied me, loved me, and wouldn't know what to do without me. I was listening to her and I actually thought that there was real hope in what she was saying, but then she added after all that "you need to say sorry to me and also see a shrink to sort your head out".

I felt instantly sad again, and obviously couldn't accept her back on those terms. Well the weeks have passed now and its 3 months since the split, and she told me yesterday that she loved me, but would never in a million years take me back after all the crap I have put her through. She went on to call me twisted and sick, and all kinds of things, before she got dressed to death and told me she would be back tomorrow.

I can't stop feeling sad about everything, and hurting when she is not here. What the hell is wrong with me, and why do I struggle with what has happened and why do I keep wondering what I did wrong or what I could have done to make it right.

My family all think I am nuts and should grow a spine and start focusing on my new life with time to spend with my children and future grandchildren, and I know they are right, of course they are right, so why do I feel so sad, lonely, and missing her.

I feel strongly she has now moved on completely, and it feels strange that someone with such a hold on me, can let go so easily and move on. At the same time, I can't wait until I sell the house and can move on myself. What a sorry excuse for a human being I have turned out to be.

[Wakeup]

I have to add, that since we separated nearly 3 months ago, in the second week, she came home and told me she fancied me, loved me, and wouldn't know what to do without me. I was listening to her and I actually thought that there was real hope in what she was saying, but then she added after all that "you need to say sorry to me and also see a shrink to sort your head out".

I felt instantly sad again, and obviously couldn't accept her back on those terms. Well the weeks have passed now and its 3 months since the split, and she told me yesterday that she loved me, but would never in a million years take me back after all the crap I have put her through. She went on to call me twisted and sick, and all kinds of things, before she got dressed to death and told me she would be back tomorrow.

I can't stop feeling sad about everything, and hurting when she is not here. What the hell is wrong with me, and why do I struggle with what has happened and why do I keep wondering what I did wrong or what I could have done to make it right.

My family all think I am nuts and should grow a spine and start focusing on my new life with time to spend with my children and future grandchildren, and I know they are right, of course they are right, so why do I feel so sad, lonely, and missing her.

I feel strongly she has now moved on completely, and it feels strange that someone with such a hold on me, can let go so easily and move on. At the same time, I can't wait until I sell the house and can move on myself. What a sorry excuse for a human being I have turned out to be.

Whats wrong with YOU, John that you'd give up your daughters for a raving boarderline personality disordered shrew? Why would you or any other person give up their children only to be emotionally tortured by the mental case that you gave them up for? WHY do you continue to let her hoover you back for more of the same.

DO get the psycho-therapy that you need in order to have the strength to TRULY leave this codependent hell you've made for yourself. You're emotionally abusing your children by staying with a C word and not giving them the loving father attention that they need.

I'm telling you the truth without the platitudes of the codependent and enablers.

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Adding:

Too long you've been under her thumb and she ought to be ashamed of herself but she isn't is she?.. No, it doesn't sound like it.

Op YOU too ought to be ashamed of yourself for allowing her to do this to you and your family. Sorry, but there it is.

My family all think I am nuts and should grow a spine and start focusing on my new life with time to spend with my children and future grandchildren, and I know they are right, of course they are right, so why do I feel so sad, lonely, and missing her.

Because you need the help of a good therapist proficient in codependency, fear of being alone, and low self-worth.

You also need a good lawyer and a codependents anonymous group to keep you from getting with someone exactly like this shrew you cow tow to in the future. If you do not work on yourself and your inability to take back your personal power, this will happen to you again. Same shit, different field ~ No doubt.

[url=http://coda.org/]Home - CoDA.org[/url]

[JohnPeel]

Wakeup, as I was reading your post from a hunched position, I found myself becoming upright as I read on. Your right, of course your right, and I know your right, and I can't understand how I can be like I am when I know this. And I am ashamed of myself, so ashamed it makes me ill on a daily basis. I am so glad I put my post on this site, as in just to member replies, I feel I have grown a couple of vertebrae extra, to add to the 2 I already have. Thank you. That's it, Im going to do everything I can to move on, I have so much to look forward to, my daughters are love me to bits, as does my family. I have got back in contact with some of my good friends and one who is an old girlfriend from my teens has booked a holidy cottage for a few days for us to just chill and talk about old times. Another old friend is coming down in a couple of weeks to spend the day with me. There really are a lot of people who care about me and who want me back, and I'm coming back, as the othe option is to terrible to think of.

[Wakeup]

Do not forget that your friends will be there for you as you get the therapy you need to over-come your codependent tendencies. You deserve to be in a happy functioning, reciprocal loving romantic relationship with someone who isn't codependent herself. If you don't delve into your issue then like I said, you will only end up with someone who is also codependent. For instance, why are you booking a cabin with a female from your past instead of just sitting with her over a cup of coffee and reminiscing. Why are you going away with a member of the opposite sex to a remote cabin. That is something that you should be saving to do with a lover and you should hold off on having a lover until you are capable of loving without addiction. The cabin is a nice gesture but its not something I think is good for you. You will become reliant on her as your emotional tampon and mistake if for romantic love. Getting in touch with an "old girlfriend" and then doing what is planned is also codependency... you've never let go of her either or she you.

Anyway, Its good to see that you're adding another vertebrae but you need the cement to keep it there. Working with Coda and a good therapist will help you form personal boundaries that will aid in your self-worth.

DO not fall into something else codependent with this old girlfriend out of your fear of being alone. This is the worse thing you can do for your own recovery.

[JohnPeel]

The creature has come home and I feel like a new man already. I feel like I want to shout it out. She came in and from wherever and I took one look at her, thought of my daughters, and felt nothing at all for her, nothing, not even hate or anger. I need to hold on to this. I have found a codependents anonymous group in Rodney Street in Liverpool starting tomorrow night at 6pm, and I will call them tomorrow to book my place. This is it, I know it is. Thank you both for your support.

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Reading more about that weekend away, I feel I know what you mean. I can see where you are BOTH coming from on the codependency thing, and I never really gave that condition a thought before. I am 51 now and have never been more than a month without a woman in my life. I have never had a problem getting them, but now I think it might not be because of my looks, it might be because they are codependent too and can smell it on me a mile away. I need time to be me, and to find who I really am I suppose, because what your saying is I may be a collection of every codependent person I have ever been codepenent with. That is quite scary, and would explain a lot. This is really good stuff you 2 have put together for me. Thank you.

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And sorry, I meant you 3 not you 2. Thanks again.

[michelle23]

She must have some sort of personality disorder. No empathy or compassion unless its all about HER. You are better off without this woman. you should have never left her control, manipulate and abuse you in this way. Your children are more important and its good you are putting them first now. Onwards and upwards. Maybe it would be wise for you to see a counselor for the abuse you have endured and to help you get over your co-dependancy on this woman

[JohnPeel]

Yes, I am going to a codependency group today if I can. I will also have a word with my GP with regard to CBT or something that will help. You are right of course with regard to never letting her control me, and I hope I will never fall into that trap again. Thank You

[michelle23]

Best of luck to you John. You deserve a good woman that will treat you right. Get through the divorce, work on yourself and one day you will be ready to find love

[JohnPeel]

Well, I went to the codependency group in Liverpool on Rodney Street last night. There were 7 other people there, all women, but that wasn't a problem for me at all. I don't know whether it is for me though. I found it OK, but was left unsure of what they actually do there.

It was basically a theme each time you go, and this theme was "a higher being". It had a lot to do with religion and other spiritual overtones, and I couldn't quite get what was happening. The women shared some thoughts about what they felt was there own higher being, but very little else.

The each talked a little bit, but you couldn't really get what their problems were or what they wanted from the group. And when they did talk, there was no replies from anyone in an effort to comfort or help, and I am told that this is what happens.

I was hoping to talk about my issues to find out whether or not I had really had codependency, but that was not to be, so I left there feeling no closer to finding out what is wrong with me and how to fix it.

The women were lovely and friendly, and some were in what seemed a bad way, but other I felt had little in the way of problems for found it nice to be in a group with coffee and chocolates.

After I left, I had a feeling that my issues were really just on letting go of relationships, not getting involved with another controller, and not letting someone become a controller. I felt I just needed to man up and crack on. Making sure that my own health, my own self worth, and my two daughters took priority over everything else. I guess that backbone is the key.

[woody]

Good on you John!

Your being pro active and this is a key to your future success. Just be and hold strong; live it, breath it, own it.