His parents hate me

[ALLYMICHAELS]

A coworker once randomly said to me (after ending a phone conversation with her daughter-in-law), "Ally, whatever you do, don't marry a man whose parents hate you." She probably had no idea what sort of impact that may have had on me. Months later, I still think about that sentence on a regular basis and I am certainly thinking about it now. I'm not engaged to be married or anything, but perhaps I should consider not wasting any more of my time here... I love my man dearly and do believe he feels the same way, but he is very close to his parents who live a few miles away and likes to spend lots of time with them which causes tension at times. If he is going to be a sweet family guy, I want to be able to share that with him. I know my family would wholeheartedly embrace him but they are 3,000 miles away. And we are certainly not ready to start our own family anytime soon. I am starting to wonder if it even makes sense to pursue a life with someone who can't even manage to say the right things to make his family not hate me, despite the fact that the reason they hate me has got to be almost entirely due to things he said to them about me years ago when we were in a bad space. Help? Thoughts, anyone? Ever been in a relationship where your partner's family hates you and he adores them? How did that go? Is it possible to work around an issue as large as this? The only thing I have thought of is to move, which is something he is totally willing and possibly even excited to do. However, I can't help but wonder if that is just a temporary solution to a much bigger and permanent problem. I mean, I guess it isn't "permanent" but I don't want to think that morbidly. I want to be in a relationship where I am welcomed into my partner's family warmly. Even before things went sour between us the first time we dated a couple years ago, they were never warm or welcoming. When we lived together, they would always exclude me when they would make plans with their son. I felt it was very cold and that they were intentionally shutting me out. I guess it worries me that he does not see any of those behaviors as concerning. It also worries me that he can be so close with them and yet not feel the urge to try and repair things. It is all up to him, after all. What do you all think?

[TablesandChairs]

If he doesn't think there's a problem with his parents 'hating' his partner, then he's a fool. There are so many things he could do to rectify the issue - he could lay it out in black and white - 'She's my partner and I expect you guys to treat her like a part of the family'. He could stipulate that what happened before is in the past and they you're both moving forward and their attitude needs to move forward accordingly. I don't know what transpired - did you cheat on him? Abuse him? I mean, I guess if my son dated someone who made his life hell at one point; I wouldn't like her very much either...so I guess it's all contextual.

That said, he's with you - he chooses to be with you, so a lot of effort needs to be made in order for everyone to get along well. If he fails to step up, then I'd leave him be.

[ALLYMICHAELS]

If he doesn't think there's a problem with his parents 'hating' his partner, then he's a fool. There are so many things he could do to rectify the issue - he could lay it out in black and white - 'She's my partner and I expect you guys to treat her like a part of the family'. He could stipulate that what happened before is in the past and they you're both moving forward and their attitude needs to move forward accordingly. I don't know what transpired - did you cheat on him? Abuse him? I mean, I guess if my son dated someone who made his life hell at one point; I wouldn't like her very much either...so I guess it's all contextual.

That said, he's with you - he chooses to be with you, so a lot of effort needs to be made in order for everyone to get along well. If he fails to step up, then I'd leave him be.

He definitely does see it as a problem. We actually had a slightly productive conversation about it last night. I guess he has just been avoiding it because it is very difficult for him to deal with. He has a hard time managing his anger sometimes and because it is a situation that frustrates (he feels he has no control) him so much, he has a hard time approaching things in a reasonable way sometimes I think, he reacts too emotionally. He did confide in me that his father is very difficult to approach and talk to. Apparently, he just sort of lays down the law (whatever he thinks without considering other people's opinions often) just says "this is how it is and that's that". My advice might be bunk but I suggested that he speak to his father in his language, aka take him out for a game of pool and say "dad. listen, this woman is the one I have chosen to spend my life with. like it or leave it, but i am not going to change my mind and by not accepting it, you will surely just be making things much more difficult than they have to be." He seemed hesitant, but said that he was going to talk to his sister about it and see what she thinks would be the best approach to reach their father. One thing that I was surprised by is that the situation with his mom seems to have changed, she has even shown interest in me when they talk sometimes and had made some comments/suggestions about the work I do that were positive. That's a start, I think! But apparently their mom doesn't have much sway over her husband.

To answer your questions, though, no. I did not cheat on him or abuse him. We met in college and were both kind of party animals for a minute both during and after. Basically, we drank too much and got kinda intense and crazy sometimes. We would get into some pretty crazy shit when we would go full-blown party style and made some poorly thought-out decisions that we ended up regretting and that I was really upset with him about (you probably know where I am going with this...) but I did forgive him. Somewhere along the line, though, he got kinda lost and began drinking way too much and he says he started to be depressed and hadn't ever been really depressed before I don't think. He also hadn't had a really serious girlfriend, either, so kind of thought he was putting two and two together and decided to dump me. When he broke up with me, he also broke a lease because he couldn't afford the apartment we shared solo and it was a 1BR so virtually impossible to share with someone else who you aren't dating and do so comfortably. And obviously I wasn't gonna stick around and share an apartment with the guy I was head over heels in love with. Especially not while he was coming home so drunk he'd stand up and pee on the floor of our bedroom in the middle of the night and eventually even went to a strip club and somehow (perhaps this is more common than I think) managed to get invited home by one of the strippers for a (free!) ****. Basically, when he said he was gonna go to his friends and stay for a while after not appreciating, mistreating, and then dumping me, I packed up my belongings, put them in storage, and flew 3,000 miles to cry on my parents' shoulders. His dad is mad because when the lease broke, he (the father) ended up paying for it. I'm sorry, but I refuse to pay $800 to get dumped. You wanna break up with me after treating me like shit, you can pay the lease breaking fee! Maybe that's not fair, but that's how I handled it.

I called him and texted him every so often for a year and a half and sometimes he would respond nicely, other times he would treat me like garbage. I gave up on him after a short stint a year after we broke up when I thought perhaps we would get together again but he was only visiting and it turns out he had a pregnant "not girlfriend" who was out of the country for a month so he came to town and toyed with me for a couple weeks until he got bored and was probably worried if she was mad at him she wouldn't have an abortion or whatever ****ed up selfish drunk people with pregnant girls they don't like do. I wised up to what was going on and shit blew up in his face a little I assume. I don't know this because we did not talk to 6 months. I was FINALLY over him.

Until I was feeling emotional after the holidays and thought I'd see what that old tear-jerker was up to. To my surprise, I discovered that he had quit drinking and had been thinking about me a lot, trying to work up the courage to call me but didn't know what to say to me (I mean really what WAS there to say? ugh) but he moved back to town a couple months later and things rekindled. We are both alcohol free (9 months for him and 5 for me and no interest in picking back up anytime soon). Things between us are fantastic for the most part but there is that parental tension. For some reason, I had this idea in my head when I was a kid that the parental drama would someday end, when I became an adult. I guess not.

[purple_roses]

I wouldn't break up with my boyfriend over his family not liking me.
But I would be upset with my boyfriend for not trying to make things right. He should be trying to solve the problems. That's very immature of him to think that this is okay. If he's genuinely tried to make things better, then that's one thing, but if he hasn't tried or tried enough, then he's not very mature and that's not being very caring to you.

[bluesummer]

Seems like a lot of drama to me. Unless he was the world's most incredible catch, I can't see it being worth the torment long term, especially if you were going to have to spend any decent amount of time among them. I'm telling you this from experience (a 5 year relationship).

There's almost always some kind of ugly business amongst family, but remember that them treating you poorly constantly will make you very resentful and angry over time. It will start to upset him that he's caught in the middle, and you'll find yourself getting angry at him if you feel he's not taking your side enough. Look, they don't have to adore you but the fact you are acknowledging they HATE you just spells trouble to me.

[andytownsend]

I think you can't blame his parents from "hating" you because you have hurt their son at some point. I think the best way to approach this is one, talk to your boyfriend about it then two, show their parents how you're such a gem. When they see how much you make their some happy they'll loosen up.

[woody]

If a man cannot defend his lady and her honour he is not a man worth pursuing. I.m.h.o

I recall years ago, I went over to meet my then bf's parents. When I arrived, through their actions, body language and words I didn't know if they wanted to have dinner with me or throw me in the pot and boil me.
Boiled down to demographics, not character. He did not defend me.

This really left a gaping hole in my heart and we didn't last too much longer.

The man i'm with now? The Family is everything I could have hoped for. His Mother is such a wonderful woman, his siblings, great...

We should feel welcomed and if we don't, of course we're going to wonder what kind of reflection is the bf or gf giving their parents of us? Makes you wonder.

So what if you had some past stuff go on with him. Did you make peace with him over it? You two moved past it, moved on and learned, so why then are his parents still treating you poorly? red flag i.m.o

Ostracizing your child's significant other is poor form and if he's not standing up for you, who will? You, that's who. So do it.
The longer you spend with mr. wrong, the less time you'll have with mr. right and when you meet mr.right, his Family and you, well, let's just say it'll be natural, comfortable and feel right; you'll just know,

[moneyspills]

There's almost always some kind of ugly business amongst family, but remember that them treating you poorly constantly will make you very resentful and angry over time. It will start to upset him that he's caught in the middle, and you'll find yourself getting angry at him if you feel he's not taking your side enough. Look, they don't have to adore you but the fact you are acknowledging they HATE you just spells trouble to me.






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