Dumped Because I'm Stressed Over Custody Battle :'(

[montanamommy]

Hi everyone. I'll sum this up because it's an extremely long story.

My boyfriend is a Marine, in the Reserves as of 12/13. He has a daughter who is 8. He served in the Marines for 10 years, deploying twice, and working as a Drill Instructor the rest of that time. He is abrupt but loving. He works for the Sheriff's Dept. here in our county, and so I take care of his daughter every day/night while he's at work (he works many hours, overnight shifts).

He recently broke up with me as of yesterday, because he says I am too stressed out about a custody battle which I am having over my own daughter (age 7) with my ex-husband. The custody battle has turned extremely dirty on my ex-husband's part, and he has used my daughter as a pawn many times. He never partook in her upbringing, and so therefore, he's doing a lousy job taking care of her, and I worry constantly. I live 140 miles away in my hometown, and we share custody.

The battle has been rough, and my lawyer sucked, so I fired her. Looking for new counsel. It is very, very stressful, and many things have happened over the last few months to compound to my stress, bringing me to the near-brink of insanity. I have post-traumatic stress disorder and take medication for it, but that also contributes to my stress levels at times.

My boyfriend, as I said, dumped me yesterday. He said that I'm just too stressed out for "us" right now, and that the breakup isn't forever. He said he wants to get back together down the road, once I have everything in order and have my daughter in my full custody. To me, it felt like he was dumping damaged goods because he'd prefer to have me as I used to be--cheery, happy-go-lucky, stress-free, and fun. But a custody battle tends to hinder those happy emotions, and I admittedly have been drained, drained drained this summer.

Added to everything, I do all that I can for him. He also goes to college, and since he works overnights, there have been times when he's procrastinated his homework until the last minute, and I have (many times) had to do his class forums for him, and even essays (getting excellent grades for him). I take great care of his daughter, and she calls me her "half-mommy" and loves me as such. I love her as my "half-daughter", as well, and we have a great relationship. Since my boyfriend works overnights, he sleeps all day, so I am responsible for getting his daughter ready for school, taking her and a neighbor kid to school, keeping track of her grades, keeping in communication with her teacher, studying her homework with her, bathing her, etc. and putting her to bed every night. Not to mention, coordinating her play dates, sleepovers, etc. with other friends and family members.

I didn't mind doing all of this for them until my boyfriend started becoming distant after last week, when I was absolutely overwhelmed and broke down crying. yes, I was a mess admittedly, but not only was I PMS'ing, but I'm fighting a disgusting custody battle, raising his kid, taking care of his dog, doing all of the laundry, cleaning the house, helping him work on his dirt bike, and I work three jobs, as well.

Yesterday when he broke up with me, he said that not only was it my stress levels that were stressing HIM out, but that he is also up for promotion at the Sheriff's Dept. and he doesn't want anything from my custody battle making him look bad, ultimately causing him to lose the promotion. Since he's never done anything illegal or wrong, I don't see how this makes sense at all.

Ultimately, we decided that we should stay together, but that I should move out. I think this is extremely wrong. Not only does it feel like I've been taken advantage of, overwhelmed by him, and then tossed aside when I reach my breaking point, but I also am worried about his daughter and how she will handle it. She has had a rough life with her mother, whom has lost custody since. However, this child is in desperate need of a stable life, and my boyfriend wanting me to move out just will cause her more instability, and that worries me TONS. I love her to bits and pieces, and I can't bear the thought of her thinking I 'left' or anything else. She loves me so much, and this whole thing just seems so wrong.

As far as I knew as of yesterday, we were definitely still together...but this morning (and I know this may sound stupid), but he had deleted his relationship status from Facebook. I asked him why, and he said it probably just happened because I deactivated my account recently. But I've been on Facebook long enough to know that you have to manually change that aspect of the "About" section. This is so dang confusing and heartbreaking.

Advice? What the heck is he thinking? Am I nuts, or what? Should I fight for this? Thank you all sooooo much in advance for advice!!

[reeba]

He liked it when your life was together, hence you could take care of him, his dog, his house, his homework, his kid, his cooking, sleep with him, etc. But as soon as things got a little inconvienient he tells you to move out, but you can move back in (maybe) when you are back up to the task of taking care of him and his stuff?

You are in a custody battle and now you have to find a place to live too? Where is his support for your problems? This guy is a Class A Asshole.

Then you argue on why you think that you two shouldn't break up? You can't argue your way back into relationship. He just said you weren't officially broken up to get you to shut up and move out.

Finally you should never move in with a guy when children are involved. It needs to be a solid long lasting thing. You both are setting a terrible example to your daughter and his daughter, putting their emotions in havok too, and will look like an irresponsible person to the court that will be looking at your custody case (especially now since he gave you the boot because it shows you put your daughter in the middle of your crappy relationships).

For your daughter's sake and for your sake, find someone who treats you better & don't move in right away.

[montanamommy]

We have been long-term. We didn't put our children's lives or emotions in "havoc"...that's a little drastic...

[Wakeup]

For your daughter's sake and for your sake, find someone who treats you better & don't move in right away.

More like for your sake and your daughters sake get your custody battle ironed out with her father so its amicable and stress free for all of you and then see if the man that has been in her life and you in his daughters life can make a functional go of it, Montanmommy.

You know that he's not codependent and that he wants you to be the best person you can be for him, and his daughters well being. There is nothing wrong with wanting that. When you're well and your custody battle has been resolved then he'll likely not want you to leave.

You're stressed enough without listening to strangers on an internet board rag on you so just strive to fix what's causing the dissention in your relationship (custody battle and PTSD) and all will fall into place.

Do you see what you have to do?

[Birna]

montanamommy, can see how you may feel that reeba's answer is "a little drastic" but from our point of view it is clear... this mess just might kill your custody battle, there is no easy way to say that... and the fact that he is doing that to you, at this point, is a really obvious indicator that he is a grade A, absolute and complete asshole that never decerved your care, let alone that you did his homework for him...

and from my professional point of view as a person working in child services... this is exactly the kind of situation we call hazardous to children, putting their emotions at risk and if I was working in the states, it would be my personal duty to take his daughter out of that situation, as well as testify at your custodial hearing as for why you should not get your daughter, and why your ex-husband should not get her either.... personally I have no knowledge of how you are with your child when you have a home, but I would never send a child to a parent that does not have a home.

so from a seriously cold, professional stance.. your case looks terribly weak. but personally I hope you find a place quickly, thus showing the court that you are indeed a capable individual that might help your case alot.... if I were you I would stop thinking of mister grade A A-Hole and focus all your power on being the picture perfect role-model person in the world so that you can get your daughter back.

[Wakeup]

"Get her daughter back?" She has her daughter now and shares custody with the father.

Unless she's a raging mental case unable to care for her daughter then Child services won't care one damn bit about her relationship with her current partner.

They will take note of the PTSD though and that is why I've been hammering it into her to get the therapy to help her with that and to get an amicable schedule in place for her daughters custody with her father. If that gets squared away then the relationship with her current S.O. will also iron itself out. I fail to see where he's an asshole for not wanting to be part of this divorce drama. This divorce should have been ironed out before she even started another relationship and then none of this would be going on.

I've seen Child services give back custody to a mother that was addicted to drugs and only took the child away when she finally got busted for dealing. pffft.

[Birna]

well.. perhaps the US does things differently than we do them here... but form what I have read, I would remove the child until the mother is properly housed and stable to have the child back.

nevertheless my purpose was not to offend, but simply state the way I see the case, given that it is my every day job. and apparently I do not know enough about the US system.. perhaps I will read up on it, but to me it sounds like they are just not doing their jobs... based on what you just said about the drug addict.