Is he abusive?

[ogieogie]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 2 years now. I love him so much, and I know he loves me. Which is what makes this so much harder.
When we first started dating he was the perfect boyfriend, loving and caring. Now he's constantly paranoid, he doesn't talk to me if I wear a skirt or vest top to college, he doesn't let me talk to other boys at our college, he doesn't consent to me having Facebook or instagram, he calls me names such as a bitch, spiteful, selfish, tells me to 'go and f*ck myself' and yesterday, he stopped at my house and he was snoring, so I went to go and sleep on the couch and then he tells me if I leave the room he won't spend the day with me tomorrow. He just sat there insulting me while I was upset, and then he said 'I don't know why I haven't broken up with you yet'. He's apologised and said he was just angry and tired but I don't know what to think anymore. But the thing is, sometimes he's lovely to me. He gives me the attention I need and he's so sweet. I can't imagine my life without him. I barely have any friends left because he doesn't approve of me talking to a lot of them.
Please help me, I don't know what to do.

[iCraze]

Verbal abuse is just as much abuse as physical. He's controlling and doesn't let you talk to other people. I don't care about my girlfriend talking to other people, but she also respects me as her boyfriend and knows I wouldn't approve of her doing certain things. I don't go as far as calling her out of her name and disrespecting her like your boyfriend does. In short: Drop the insecure pussy boy and get a real man. You probably can't even wash your vagina without him getting paranoid.

[Wakeup]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 2 years now. I love him so much, and I know he loves me. Which is what makes this so much harder.
When we first started dating he was the perfect boyfriend, loving and caring. Now he's constantly paranoid, he doesn't talk to me if I wear a skirt or vest top to college, he doesn't let me talk to other boys at our college, he doesn't consent to me having Facebook or instagram, he calls me names such as a bitch, spiteful, selfish, tells me to 'go and f*ck myself' and yesterday, he stopped at my house and he was snoring, so I went to go and sleep on the couch and then he tells me if I leave the room he won't spend the day with me tomorrow. He just sat there insulting me while I was upset, and then he said 'I don't know why I haven't broken up with you yet'. He's apologised and said he was just angry and tired but I don't know what to think anymore. But the thing is, sometimes he's lovely to me. He gives me the attention I need and he's so sweet. I can't imagine my life without him. I barely have any friends left because he doesn't approve of me talking to a lot of them.
Please help me, I don't know what to do.

Go to your college guidance department and ask for a psych consult. You're so low in self-esteem that you allow a ****ing douche bag to treat you like a piece of shit. He's got you brainwashed into thinking the good times in bed are what make it worth your while to stay and be abused.

Get your ass away from him NOW. Just think how he'd abuse your son or daughter if you're stupid enough to stay with him until you make the biggest mistake of your life and fall pregnant to this ASSHOLE.

Wake up for fvck sakes.

Here's a link to a site that you need to help you with what ails you.

[url=http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-abused-and-battered-women.htm]Help for Abused and Battered Women: Protecting Yourself and Escaping from Domestic Violence[/url]

Just because he hasn't hit you YET it doesn't mean you're not being abused.

[ogieogie]

Honestly I think it's more of the fact that I don't know what I'd do without him. Surprisingly, I don't take shit off a lot of people. But he has so much control over me, I'd be nothing without him.

- - - Updated - - -

It really helps that this is coming from a guy, in particular a guy who is in a relationship. Thankyou, but I think some guys are just different.. :-(

[Wakeup]

Are you a sub? You must be because anyone that wasn't would leave someone that treated them like their possession. You need some therapy and its quite horse shitty of you to think that you don't know what you'd do without him. You did just fking fine before you met him and you'll do GREAT without him when you've graduated school, gotten the therapy you need and get with a guy that is a good partner and not your KEEPER.

Get the help you need or quit asking if you're being abused because if you're not going to do anything about it then why bother asking? What difference does it make to you now that you know you're being abused?

It really helps that this is coming from a guy, in particular a guy who is in a relationship. Thankyou, but I think some guys are just different.. :-(

Again, how is his post helpful if you're not going to change your situation?

You make excuses to us (but really its to yourself) why you should stay: Two opinions and two excuses why they're not valid.
1. I'd be nothing without him.
2. I just think some guys are different.

Whats your point of asking your question?

[purple_roses]

Your asking if he's abusive? Well if it's that hard to figure out for you, seek some counseling.
He doesn't love you. He likes to control you. He's sweet sometimes so that u will stay with him. But that's not love.

[ogieogie]

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 3 years ago. I spent one year feeling shit and then when he came along I started feeling well again, he made me feel normal.
Can you please not have a go at me on my own ****ing thread, thanks.

[Wakeup]

You should be seeing a psychiatrist and taking the meds that he/she prescribes not staying with an asshole that treats you like shit.

We are not having a "go" at you as you put it but I'm being honest with you. Something that obviously too many people haven't been or, they have been and instead of taking their advice you get defensive of yourself and, what is even worse, the abusing asshole.

You need guidance with a professional and if you don't get it then why are you wanting to know if how he treats you is abuse? What is the point of knowing if he is or he isn't if you're not going to do anything but give yourself excuses to stay in your current dysfunction?

[surfhb]

Whoa sweetheart! You need to to seriously put on the brakes here and see a therapist at your school quickly.

You are not in a happy relationship and you're blind to this because of your self esteem issues.

Just go this week and tell us what the counselor says. Please!!

There's a reason why your conscience told you to write a bunch of strangers on a forum.. ..I suggest you listen to it. Make sense?

[TablesandChairs]

Hi,

If you have bi-polar disorder, you should be in regular contact with a psychiatrist, counsellor or other medical professional with experience in the area. You've linked your feeling better with the arrival of your boyfriend; initially he probably made you feel safe and secure and your symptoms became easier to manage. Is it a cure? No. You've masked things; you've become co-dependent and your boyfriend has unfortunately gotten the impression that he can treat you like garbage with no consequences.

You asked 'is he abusive'. Yes - no doubt whatsoever (based on what you have described). Everyone else has agreed. Essentially, that's something you should have known instinctively - maybe you did but his behaviour has become so ordinary that you're not longer as phased by it as you should be.

The real question should be - where to from now? I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and it would take some very low self esteem and anxiety to remain with this guy. So those are the things you should start addressing.

[sweet314]

The short answer to your question is "Yes" that is abusive. Abuse doesn't have to only be physical. A lot of times abusive behavior can start out minimal like this, but escalate over time into something physical.

If you have a healthy relationship, you should never be made to feel bad about yourself. This is not to say that you will never argue or have disagreements, but there shouldn't be name calling and disrespect.

The fact that he said "I don't know why I haven't broken up with you yet" says it all. He can be as sweet and caring as he wants, but a comment like that says it all. He doesn't TRULY care about you in a healthy loving way. The behavior that you describe is pretty much the classic description of an abusive relationship: limiting who you can talk to, causing you to abandon your friends, monitoring internet use, criticizing what you wear, name calling, threatening to leave, making you feel dispensable.

I am no expert, but I really hope you take the advice of others and myself and get out of this relationship before things escalate. You deserve someone who will love you unconditionally and who will make you feel good about yourself...not call you names and make you feel bad about yourself.

There is a quote from the movie "The Holiday" that I think fits this situation...take it for what it's worth and just think about it: (This is in regards to him being abusive to you/not treating you right):
"...Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time [he] does something that tells you [he's] no good, you ignore it. And every time [he] comes through and surprises you, [he] wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that [he's] not for you."

Stop ignoring the bad stuff and focusing on the good stuff. If this were a healthy relationship, you wouldn't have had to come here to ask this question. Trust your gut.

[Starnique]

Yes he is abusive. If you have any self respect you'll leave him. I know you're young but you ain't dumb. You know this treatment is wrong. A guy will give you the respect that you earn and put up with. You've put up with this treatment for so long that he has no respect you. Abuse always start off verbal. He will become physical next. His as a would've been out the door calling me out my mother's given.

[sweet314]

Honestly I think it's more of the fact that I don't know what I'd do without him. Surprisingly, I don't take shit off a lot of people. But he has so much control over me, I'd be nothing without him.

It seems like you put up with his abusive ways and bad treatment of you because you are afraid of the alternative...being alone. His control over you is not healthy and it seems as though you've been brainwashed into thinking you're nothing without him. Do not ever get so wrapped up in love/a person that you think of yourself as less than whole without that other person. That is a dangerous way to view yourself and your relationship. That leaves you open to abuse and disrespect. You need to raise your standards and realize you are worth more than the disrespect you are receiving. You are worthy of honest, respectful love.

My personal opinion: You need to end the relationship now. Yes, you will be miserable for a while, but it gets better. You need to take that time to do some serious self evaluation and learn to be happy and love yourself. You need to realize your self worth and don't make it dependent on someone else's view of you.

You said you don't know what you'd do without him. Just imagine what you COULD DO without him! You could have the freedom to have the friends you want. You could dress how you want and be the person you want without the fear of him not approving. Trust me when I say that there is a man out there who would respect you and treat you the way you deserve, but you'll never find him when you're stuck in this toxic relationship.