Serious issue.....need some advice!!

[TablesandChairs]

Like your friends have suggested, proceed with caution. At the end of the day, you're both in your 40's and having an infant around will definitely change things. You'll be in your 50's by the time the child is 10 and still ver much dependent on his/her parents. Consider whether you will feel resentment or frustration in the coming years.

Ultimately, no matter how she chooses to spin things in her head - this will not be your child. He/she has a father and if I put myself in a man's shoes - I would feel like I had a right to know if I had offspring. He might want to be actively involved and although this might not sit well with her, it's something that she should prepare herself for because this isn't just her life we're talking about.

It doesn't have to be a deal-breaker but you'd want your relationship to be very strong in order for it to withstand the future challenges.

[Wakeup]

I wonder why was abortion taken off the table. Was it her decision, your decision, a mutually agreed to decision? If she's so intent on keeping the two of you on the right track then she won't make you be in this lie with her. She doesn't even have to tell the sperm donor about the pregnancy. What he doesn't know, won't hurt him.

Win/win all around. Personally, I think she's being rather selfish and she appeases her own guilt by continuing to reiterate how "sorry" she is that she let this happen while she expects you to be emotionally and financially responsible for another man's baby. Is your love for her that unconditional that you don't get to have a say in the decision when it's going to affect you for the rest of your life?

You should see a lawyer to find out what your responsibility will be for that child should the union dissolve once again. It's the least you can do for yourself.

[standingtall]

The abortion being taken off the table was not a mutual decision. I WOULD like a clean slate to get started from but technically we are divorced.....does that make it her decision and her decision alone? The decision to reconcile was made by both of us prior to her getting pregnant. And yes, I believe she is being a little selfish and she is expecting me to pick up the slack and care for her and the baby/children the way I did prior to the break up.

Prior to the separation and the divorce, I gave all for my family, even sacrificed things that I loved to do. Today that is different. I AM taking care of myself and my happiness. I have set some pretty strict boundaries with her (which is something new, unfortunately I use to be a yes ma'am no ma'am type of guy) and at first she was a little taken aback but has excepted what I have asked for. My love for her is unconditional but I have stated to her several times that I believe that the honorable thing to do is tell the father (and from what I gather based upon what my children have said, he is not a very upstanding type of guy). She is really concerned about having this person in our lives. Why did you sleep with him, with no protection, if you wanted to reconcile? Just not understanding some things right now......

I have a meeting set up with my attorney to see what my legal 'responsibilities' are and could be 'if' I decide to continue down this path of reconciliation. Right now I am taking things day by day and really slow. Our communication is very good right now so that is a plus.

[Wakeup]

Are you sure she isn't further along then she says she is? I'm sorry but she's sounding an awful lot like she's missing the support and has the fear of having to raise this child on her own so you're looking pretty good to her right now. I hope I'm wrong. Why sleep with him without protection if she's considering a reconciliation with you indeed?

In spite of my cynicism ~ my best to you, standingtall. It is good to see that you're getting legal council, you have many things to weigh.

[standingtall]

Are you sure she isn't further along then she says she is? I'm sorry but she's sounding an awful lot like she's missing the support and has the fear of having to raise this child on her own so you're looking pretty good to her right now. I hope I'm wrong. Why sleep with him without protection if she's considering a reconciliation with you indeed?

In spite of my cynicism ~ my best to you, standingtall. It is good to see that you're getting legal council, you have many things to weigh.

Yes, I have been thinking the same thing and a few close friends that I have confided in have noticed the same thing. Mr 'steady' is back and she knows that she always rely on me to do the right and honorable thing. I have to remain very cautious about how to proceed with things though. Hate to say that I don't trust the person that I spent many years with, but I don't. Maybe that will change.

For all involved, it would be great for us to reconcile but I have to do it for the right reasons. It really sucks seeing my children numerous times a week and them saying 'Daddy, please stay'........we'll see what happens.

[TheEvilJester]

It does sometimes take almost losing somebody (or even actually losing them) to realize that they are worth keeping, or that the problems you may have had were problems that could be fixed. So, it sounds like that may well be what happened to you two. You mention you two are already getting counseling, which is definitely the right move.

You also sound like you are being very cautious in everything. So, you really sound to me like you've got your head and heart both right where they belong. I suppose I don't really have much more advice to offer. I think you are on the right track. I wish you the best. I hope it works out in whatever way ultimately makes you more happy, whether that may be to wind up back with her or not.

[standingtall]

Seems as if caution is indeed the right course of action right now. She is a very confused individual right now. She wants nothing to do with the baby daddy, doesn't want to tell him about the baby, but is still talking to him via text......occasionally, or so she says.

We had a little argument yesterday about that fact and pretty much told her I'm not going to live like that. I'm not going to hop back in, be Mr Steady, and take care of her problems like I always have. Frankly, this is not my problem and not my responsibility. Period! She wants 'us' and the family back together but on her terms. Seriously? Maybe I just need to keep living my life, continue to be the best father I can be, and move on.......

[rest77]

TheEvilJester, I just stole this from you, it is so true!

It does sometimes take almost losing somebody (or even actually losing them) to realize that they are worth keeping, or that the problems you may have had were problems that could be fixed.

- - - Updated - - -

She wants 'us' and the family back together but on her terms. Seriously?

This is where you have to be the man or else..........i don't know where this is going to lead you guys to. And no matter how she preaches from Genesis to Revelation, the father of that unborn baby has every legal right to know about her pregnancy even though he is a crack head or whatever. She already made a mistake that you guys are going to live with for the rest of your life and now she is asking you to enable her to make another one?

No, she won't tell the baby's daddy she is pregnant and until 20 years later that the child gets to know that you aren't his biological father, then you will have a lot of explanation to do then,...beginning with "Oh, it was actually your mother's ideal or your mother's fault..."

[woody]

Dear STanding Tall,

Admirable. I haven't much to add as many, especially TheEvilJester (again) said everything I was thinking after reading your posts and I couldn't add much to that.

So yes, admirable... Good on you.
I wish you and yours every success; there's a baby in the belly! and this is a beautiful thing. I too was raised by a non bio Dad (two of them) and they are of the best people I have had the honour of knowing. Heck, I was that baby.
and as far as telling the bio Dad the truth; well, of course there's the whole, he has a right to know.

Well, here's the flip side of that. My Mother told my bio Dad all about me growing inside her and do you know what he did? not a thing. Nothing.. So, I grew up thinking he didn't want me and he didn't and this, well, wasn't easy. Abandonment. Shitty.
I have often wondered if it would have been easier on my heart never knowing the truth.

Anyway, there's my two cents.
You got lots of good insight here from other people

Again, best wishes to you and yours and may it be a good pregnancy, may there be lots of love, a happy home with plenty of food in the pantry, warm feet and happy souls.

woody=trees

[Wakeup]

Seems as if caution is indeed the right course of action right now. She is a very confused individual right now. She wants nothing to do with the baby daddy, doesn't want to tell him about the baby, but is still talking to him via text......occasionally, or so she says.

We had a little argument yesterday about that fact and pretty much told her I'm not going to live like that. I'm not going to hop back in, be Mr Steady, and take care of her problems like I always have. Frankly, this is not my problem and not my responsibility. Period! She wants 'us' and the family back together but on her terms. Seriously? Maybe I just need to keep living my life, continue to be the best father I can be, and move on.......

Then you should move on. Frankly, its what most people who are not totally codependent would be doing. You're already divorced, you don't want to raise this child as your own and she doesn't want to have the bio father involved but she still keeps texting him when she's suppose to be making things right with you and her. She should have zero contact with him if she's not going to tell him about the baby. There should be zero excuses why she's still talking to him.

Your kids will adjust to you "not staying" and will be fine with seeing you on your visitation schedule. Being on friendly terms with their mother, Knowing you are in their lives and love them will help them to adjust to the divorce. Its too bad she kept seeing this guy when she was suppose to be concentrating on being with you.

What did your lawyer have to say?

[anthaaa]

I'm against abortion simple as that. You surely can't stop a child from being brought into this world

I wish you the best in This reconciliation and hope it works out for the whole family. But you can't lie to the kids and tell them who is the father etc. but I'll leave that one to you. "Break up" sex? Very stupid and from the sounds of it, your ex wife needs a kick up the backside. Be very careful in reconciling with her mate. And very cautious.

[standingtall]

Just an update.....

Let me start by saying I am against abortion. The x asked me to help her with getting one last night. She indicated to me that she felt this would give us a fresh start with nothing hanging over our head. Not sure how I feel about that right now. I still feel that she needs to tell the baby daddy but is dead set against it because she does not want him in our life.

Where I stand in this whole train wreck? I am hoping for the best but planning for the worst. Right now, I need to step back, and start moving on. If she is serious about reconciling, she has some things that she needs to prove. I have 'options' but right now am not pursuing those options. Time is on my side.....we will see what happens.

[Wakeup]

What do you expect her to do to prove herself to you? She's offered to terminate the pregnancy which would then keep the other man out of your lives for good if he doesn't ever know about it.

Telling him and then having an abortion is just unnecessary drama waiting to happen. I don't know what state you live in but by now, like Canada, I'm sure they view it as being her body to do with as she sees fit so whether he knows and is against the abortion or not, he has no say in what she ends up doing.

Anyway, you sound done with it all. Don't string her along and make her wait too long to terminate only for you to not reconcile with her, that would be a very callous thing to do, don't you agree?

[standingtall]

What do you expect her to do to prove herself to you? She's offered to terminate the pregnancy which would then keep the other man out of your lives for good if he doesn't ever know about it.

Telling him and then having an abortion is just unnecessary drama waiting to happen. I don't know what state you live in but by now, like Canada, I'm sure they view it as being her body to do with as she sees fit so whether he knows and is against the abortion or not, he has no say in what she ends up doing.

Anyway, you sound done with it all. Don't string her along and make her wait too long to terminate only for you to not reconcile with her, that would be a very callous thing to do, don't you agree?

I am not stringing her along and yes, I agree that this will give us a fresh start. There are other issues that concern me as well. Just a lot to think about......

[TheEvilJester]

Thank you to both rest77 and Woody (yet again) for your compliments. :-D ...You know, I should really start living up to my name and stop giving such friendly advice. LOL! What kind of Evil Jester am I? :-P

On a serious note...

standingtall, very appropriate name choice on your part. It sounds to me like "standing tall" is exactly what you are doing. To that, I said good for you, friend. It does sound like there is quite a bit of drama in her life right now. That is okay. That happens to the best of us. Maybe not the specific circumstances, but we all get used as life's toilet now and then.

The thing is, that is her cross to bear. She needs to work on it and drag herself out of her current heap. That cannot be dumped on you. That is not fair to you. It is great and noble to make the effort to keep the family together. In the end, though, as I've said in advice to others before, you are looking for a partner, not another child for whom you need to care. She should be your equal, not somebody constantly causing you grief and stress. I learned that the hard way in my marriage. I am the type of guy who takes my commitments VERY seriously.... as result, I hung on much longer than I really should have. You are out now. If it doesn't seem like she has changed/will change, then no need to get back in when you were already free.

You seemed optimistic before, now not so much. Again, I will repeat, cautiously optimistic is the phrase that pays here. Give her time to overcome all this crud currently going on in her life.... but not an eternity. If she cannot get her life together, then maybe you two truly are just better off as friends. Remain friendly for the sake of the kids in that case. Better to be apart and happy than together and miserable. Good luck, friend.