Cheated on my boyfriend & I don't feel guilty..

[its_leah]

Hey there,

I have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years. When we first started dating, we had sex regularly and we were obviously both very affectionate because it was all fresh and new. I'm not a dumb girl - I know sparks fade a little after being together for so long. But when I found out my boyfriend was molested at a young age almost 2 years into our relationship, it made more sense to me as to why he wasn't interested in having sex as often and wasn't as affectionate as other men I have dated. I know comparing him to other men is not right, but he really doesn't have the sex drive or overall outlook on sex that most men do. We've talked about it many times together and why he never engages in sexual acts or affection and I try to understand, but its so hard on me Especially because our sex used to be so great in the beginning..

At this point, I dont know what to do. We've tried to work on things but eventually it goes back to the norm and we fight all over again about the issue at hand. Its just a vicious cycle and I feel were both too young to be dealing with this. We should have a healthy and happy sex life, but I just feel so torn. I love my boyfriend but I feel as though Im falling OUT of love.

I have been cheating these past few months. I feel guilty, but I dont regret it.. I feel like the only reason I've done this is because he never shows me any love or affection. I feel like Im living with a friend Anyone been in a situation like this before or have any advice? I'd appreciate it if you shared what you did in your experience..

Sorry for such a long post. Thanks guys!

[surfhb]

You need to break it off with him and move on. It's not fair to him

[iCraze]

You don't deserve him. Assuming he's been faithful and sweet to you.

[its_leah]

You don't deserve him. Assuming he's been faithful and sweet to you.

He has cheated on me once but it was a long time ago.. That doesnt justify what Ive done, but I still dont think I dont deserve him. I try so hard to be a loving girlfriend but he just keeps on pushing me away/not wanting to be sexual whatsoever. I know he loves me, but what were both doing to eachother isnt fair. I know its horrible to say but if he would treat me like the woman that I am, I wouldnt have did what I did.. Am I the only one who sees it that way? :S

[purple_roses]

If he can't/wont change then you need to break up with him.
You obviously don't love him that much if you've cheated multiple times and are going to continue. I mean really, don't fool yourself.
You know he would be devastated, that's why your sneaking and lying by not telling him. That's not love, that you don't regret hurting him and will do it again. You both need to be with someone your more compatible with. I understand how important sex is, I am the same way. But I could never live a double life, secretly hurting and disrespecting a boyfriend I've had for four years. I would have to break it off if I wasn't happy or getting my needs met. It's going to catch up to you one day, trust me.

[TablesandChairs]

Not having intimacy and affection in a relationship is a deal-breaker; no matter how good everything else is, you'll always feel like you're house-mates or best friends rather than lovers. Seems like you've tried to address the issue and nothing changes. You'll grow more and more dissatisfied and the only thing that will allow you to put up with the status quo is to go on cheating binges every so often - that's not a relationship. I know it's been 4.5 years but you're young so count your losses and move forward.

[michelle23]

There are no excuses here. You chose the behavior so own it. Nobody can force you to do anything.. I get your unhappy but its not an excuse to cheat. Break up with him. You should have done so a long time ago if hes not making you feel loved or attractive.

He needs therapy-that is the only thing that will help him. But that is up to him to do.

[its_leah]

I really do love this man.. I can see myself being with him for the rest of my life. And you're right, we've talked about therapy before; its something Im going to bring up again. He doesnt think therapy will help him though.. But I know if I was there to support him, he would do it.

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I can stop cheating. I never had sex with the man I cheated with, just made out, but I know if we continue to talk things might lead to that.. So Im going to stop it before that happens. Its not healthy for me or my relationship.

[michelle23]

No its not healthy and its not the answer to relationship problems. If your bf refuses to get help through counselling and later on with sex therapy then you need to leave as its not fair for you both to suffer. You cannot go with him though to hold his hand. This is something he needs to do alone. He wont open up if your there so if you want him to get the full benefit and get better he has to want to and has to be willing to go to counselling sessions on his own. You can join him in sex therapy further down the line

Good luck

[TheEvilJester]

I think you have heard the opinions that what you are doing to him is wrong. So, I won't bother going any further on that. I think you get the point.

However, perhaps you can clarify a few things. When you say he is not affectionate with you, is he literally not affectionate at all? Ever? Some people aren't the lovey-dovey cuddly type, but that doesn't automatically mean they are not affectionate. At the same time, though, physical contact is important in a relationship.

Also, just how uninterested is he in sex? In other words, how often do you two have sex? You can feel free not to answer that if you'd rather not, but I am just trying to get a better understanding for your situation. I ask because I, myself, am not like most guys. I don't constantly think about nothing but "Sex! Sex!!! SEX!!!" When I am with a loving partner, I don't need it every day, multiple times a day, any time we have the chance. So, I can relate to a guy who doesn't want sex as often as guys normally do. At the same time, though, if I'm in a loving relationship, I do want that on a reasonably regular basis. It is an important part of a loving relationship. So, is he literally NEVER interested? Then, that is a problem and he should either get help/work on it, or let you go so you can be with somebody more suited to you.

If he does not seem to be willing/able to improve, then you owe it to him and to you to either decide if you can live with that, or break it off if you cannot.

[Wakeup]

He has cheated on me once but it was a long time ago.. That doesnt justify what Ive done, but I still dont think I dont deserve him. I try so hard to be a loving girlfriend but he just keeps on pushing me away/not wanting to be sexual whatsoever. I know he loves me, but what were both doing to eachother isnt fair. I know its horrible to say but if he would treat me like the woman that I am, I wouldnt have did what I did.. Am I the only one who sees it that way? :S

Nice try but you're not all that and a bag of chips. If you think you're justified then why don't you tell him so and give him the opportunity to have other girls that he actually would like to fvck while you do the men you need to make you feel pretty?

[loveisathing]

Nice try but you're not all that and a bag of chips. If you think you're justified then why don't you tell him so and give him the opportunity to have other girls that he actually would like to fvck while you do the men you need to make you feel pretty?

I'm new this forum but I've read a lot of your posts Wakeup, and I can't help but feel like you're a troll.

[Wakeup]

I'm new this forum but I've read a lot of your posts Wakeup, and I can't help but feel like you're a troll.

Welcome! Stick around and I'll teach you something about yourself.

[loveisathing]

Welcome! Stick around and I'll teach you something about yourself.

Yep. I bet...

[woody]

Dear Original Poster,

As I sit surrounded by Forest, I cannot imagine being in a relationship without affection or intimacy. As the 'EvilJester' pointed out, is it sexual affection that's lacking completely or both sexual and cuddly affection? For if it is both, I cannot imagine.
My sweetheart and I sometimes go three weeks or more without a good roll in the hay but when we do, it tuckers us out for a few days and we are both in need of rest. Still, I do wish it more than once every few for when too much time passes, I cannot help but become slightly insecure, wondering if I no longer appeal to him on that level and well, it's tough to feel undesirable isn't it. Indeed it is.

People NEED to be held, to be loved and kissed, to feel desirable.. Need it. To close up shop in that department is simply not healthy; so while I would never advocate an affair, I do understand (to a point) why one would eventually need to receive some form of this attention elsewhere; could be as simple as getting flirted with at the food store or library.
So you have brought this a few steps closer to 'affair status'. You say it's at the kissing stage but has gone no further. I don't think you want to cheat, you just need to feel desired and this is a natural thing madame. It's just too bad you and your sweetheart couldn't work this out before it even got to that kissing another man thing.
When you have spoken to your sweetheart about this 'lack thereof', does he get uber defensive each time or does he often truly seem to understand and wishes to work on it? If it is the later, he will need some form of therapy to get to the root of the problem. Having been abused as he was, well, i'm so sorry he went through that. Not only is it negatively affecting him but you as well. It would be an awful shame to sabotage a love connection due to past horrible trauma.
Do you think he'd talk to someone about it? Does he understand, fully understand that you are slowly closing up to him?, meaning, you are pushing and being pushed away?

If you feel all avenues have been exhausted as far as fixing this problem (and it is a problem), you must do what is right for both of you. You know what that is already. I just wish he'd get some help.
Anyway, doubt this has been very helpful. Sorry your going through this, him too. I hope you two find a way.