Jealousy/controlling or A breach or trust

[50wantingmore]

My SO has a job that has her travel.. She works mainly with men , coordinating between sub-contractors and her companies clients.
She has spent 10 weeks at one location out of the last 10 months.
First trip back she tells me the sub contractor and her “ Are like they have known each other for years” They have been out for drinks.. I later in the year look at her phone. Discover what is remaining of many explicitly sexual text to her. I do not see sexual text back , yet do see many date/time gapes in these messages.. I also see calls that can not all be explained for work.. She also has told me she has been to his house..

She says she has never cheated on me.. That she feels violated I would search her phone.. That just because a man comes on to her doesn’t mean she responds to it.. And doesn’t mean they can not be good friends.. That I controlling by trying to tell her who her friends can be.. That she will not let me tell her who she can talk to.. And it is because of my jealousy that she doesn’t tell me about these things.

What should I think ?

[dontaskme]

Are you two married, if not, how long have you been together? Are you living together in one roof?

Anyway, your S.O is out of line. Even if she has not cheated on you, she shouldn't not be encouraging any man to flirt with her. The fact that she has not done anything to stop the sexual innuendos and she keeps hanging with him leads me to believe that there is something more than she is disclosing to you.

If I were you, ask her to stop and cut off her ties with him or you will dump her ass in the garbage where it belongs!

[woody]

While it is true that many of us do have friends of the opposite gender, when/if we are in a relationship and another outside of it is flirting with our S.O or us, it is poor form to let it happen for too long, in fact, one ought cease ties fairly immediately out of respect for our s.o; if she can't cease ties because he's a business colleague she still ought tell him the texts are highly inappropriate and to please knock it off.
If she doesn't see it that way and his actions and her's are making you uncomfortable, well, you wouldn't be alone on that. Many of us would be uncomfortable.
Hopefully she gets it and does the right thing for both of you. If not, she's not showing you allot of respect regarding this anyway.
talk with her calmly, rationally and see how she goes.

[50wantingmore]

We have lived together a little over 3 years

[michelle23]

She is crossing a line. I am in a 6year relationship and neither of us have close opposite sex friends that we spend one on one time with. When your in a relationship there has to be boundaries. This is something you disagree on and it should be a deal breaker as its too big of a difference to ignore. If my bf was behaving this way, I would have kicked him out by now. Just coz shes a woman doesn't make it any different. If it was you doing this-she would have went bat shit crazy. Why are you tolerating it?

[TablesandChairs]

Men will only send a taken women those kinds of texts if they see an invitation. She is clearly giving them the impression that it's okay and that she likes it. If she didn't, you would have read the following in her text history: 'hey I'm flattered and all but I have a partner and this isn't appropriate. Hope we don't get our wires cross again'.

[TheEvilJester]

I would agree. If the story were exactly the same except the guy was the perfect gentlemen to her, I would say maybe you are overreacting, but you still have a right to be bothered by them being so close if it really does bother you.

The fact that this guy sends her blatantly sexual messages, and yet she still hangs out with him without telling him that kind of thing needs to stop, that is where a line is being crossed. Maybe it is just me, but I do not feel that is ever appropriate when one or both parties are in a relationship.

It sounds like you already talked to her about this and her reaction was not very understanding. Gotta say, I would not be able to help second guessing whether she is somebody I want in my life at all with an attitude like that. But, I don't know. I may just be overly untrusting. Still, this behavior is not okay, and she should not be allowing it. It is disrespectful to you.

[michelle23]

I think in this day and age with all the crap that goes on-we ALL need to ne overly alert and un-trusting. Watch your back coz noone else will

[pseudosooz]

I think it's important to ask her, if the situation was reversed, would she be uncomfortable? Be explicit, say 'If I was going away to work and part of my job was meeting up with a woman, let's call her Suzy. And I have told you that I went out with Suzy outside of work. Also that have been to Suzy's house, and you also know that I have received texts from Suzy saying specifically '___________________', would you be concerned that I may be crossing the line? And what would you need me to do to help you be more comfortable with my relationship with Suzy?
Make sure and let her know that your relationship is important to you and you want to work on it, if there is anything wanting for her. Because she may just be enjoying attention she feels she is lacking at home, and have no intentions of leaving or hurting you.
On the other hand, if the relationship isn't so important to you, that you want to work on it, and you'd rather just kick her out, well it follows that she would subconsciously be open to this attention from elsewhere.
You need to have a conversation and agree that you are both in it to win it.

[purple_roses]

I would definetly be upset. That's not an appropriate friendship. He has sexual feelings for her, so it's no longer appropriate. She should know better than to feed his fire and go to his house, doing God knows what. If she refused to end this "friendship" with this horndog then I would break up with her.

[50wantingmore]

I have tried to present this in a neutral fashion.. As I don’t want to end the relationship for being ignorant of my behavior. Will add a few details;

She did respond to one text saying “ What’s wrong with you ? Go find a hooker” He responded “ You are my hooker” Like before mentioned it was obvious that many text between them were deleted.. These text took place over weeks..

When I seen these, it was several months after the fact.. Yet she still has unfinished work in that location. Has been there several weeks since. When first talking about this her response was as I had said.. But also painted this guy as someone she found creepy.. That lasted as long as the conversation. Next visit I asked how he was being ? Was told “ Happy to see his friend again”

Another time when a different woman from her company was going in her place to this location. She was here on the phone with this guy saying "Now don't be trying any thing with my worker" Said jokingly.. Yet i felt she was almost jealous herself.. Seemed she was upset she had to send someone else because of her scedual. She said ; " even work phone conversations she has no privacy"

Is all this me being obsessed with jealousy ?

I don’t care to feel jealous , I want trust.. The subject between us has become off limits.. If I even try to bring it up.. She gets angry.. Says “she shouldn’t have to defend her self” I’m not looking to accuse or blame.. I am looking for her to understand how I feel.. I believe she should put me , before any friendship with a man.. I also feel that when a man is trying to get in her pants , forming a friendship should be off limits.. If not for the sexual nature involved.. I do not believe any jealousy would be a problem.

[dontaskme]

"Is all this me being obsessed with jealousy ?"

I don’t care to feel jealous , I want trust.. I’m not looking to accuse or blame.. I am looking for her to understand how I feel.. I believe she should put me , before any friendship with a man.. I also feel that when a man is trying to get in her pants , forming a friendship should be off limits.. If not for the sexual nature involved.. I do not believe any jealousy would be a problem.

There you go, you answered your own question. what else do you want from us?

[woody]

Yes, your concerns are justified and I believe you already know what to do. Question is, will you do it? Will you stand up for yourself and draw a line and stand by it?.
She knows your concerns and now it's time for her to do the right thing by both of you. Hey man, if she doesn't, well, i'm sorry to say but perhaps you need someone where this type of thing isn't even an issue. Who'd want their sweetheart uncomfortable and wouldn't we do what we had to ensure their happiness? Yes we would.
Is she doing all she can to make sure your alright? From where i'm standing, it doesn't sound like it, i'm sorry to say.

I wish you luck and strength to stand up for yourself and your heart.

[TheEvilJester]

Maybe there are things we don't see since we are only know what you share with us. However, the more you give us details, the more I feel like she is an immature child, and you deserve better. He's sending her explicitly sexual messages, and yet she still allows this guy to be her friend? I mean "You're my hooker" sure as Hell does not seem appropriate to me AT ALL. Hell, even if she wasn't in a relationship, I would think that is inappropriate. Her being in a relationship makes that complete unacceptable if you ask me. How can she expect you to be okay with that? She sounds very disrespectful if you ask me, and I personally would not tolerate that. I would recommend you do not either.

By no stretch of the imagination is it okay for this guy to be talking to her like this when she is in a relationship. Once that kind of talk started, she should have nipped in the bud, or stopped being friends with this guy. By not insisting he stop or she cannot be friends with him, she is giving him the impression that she is okay with it, at least to some degree. Worse, she could give him the impression that she has some interest in him (whether she does or not). That is wrong on so many levels I can't even begin to describe it. And then she just expects you to be okay with that? I think you need to lose the child and find yourself a woman. But, that is just my thoughts.

[Wakeup]

I’m not looking to accuse or blame.. I am looking for her to understand how I feel..

Then present it to her that way and if she refuses to talk about it and at the very least try to have some empathy for you and how this makes you scared for the health of the relationship then she's telling you clearly that you're not as valued by her as you'd hoped you were. That's when you have to make a decision to leave her because you will NEVER be able to trust her when she's away after this if she doesn't work with you to come to a conclusion that you BOTH will be satisfied with.