What does my ex want from me?

[KateMc]

Ok so longish story but I'll make it as short as possible.

My ex and I dated for almost a year. We met at university and were friends and then started dating at the end of our degree. After university finished we lived in different cities for a bit (about 2 hours apart), and then I got a temp job overseas which was starting in a few months and decided to accept it, and in the meantime we decided that I should move back to our uni city to live with him until I went away. In hindsight it was too early for us to move in together, but at the time he wanted it so much and I was sick of travelling so much to see him and I wanted it too.

So things were all fine, we had some communication issues and he was working a loooot so I was a bit unhappy about that but all in all our relationship was solid (seemingly). I left for work overseas and was due to return exactly 3 months later. He had told me how much he was going to miss me, and that we were going to Skype lots and we had made plans for when I returned.

For the first week I was away we sent each other heaps of emails and he said he missed me so much... then I didn't hear from him as much. I had really bad reception and little internet access, and he wasn't always the best at replying quickly to messages through our relationship so I wasn't that worried. A few weeks into my trip he called me and said that he didn't know whether he still wanted to be together. He then went on about all these things he wasn't happy about, which he had never told me before, or may have mentioned really briefly but we had never really discussed... He went on for ages and I was begging him to not break up with me and to give it a chance and talk more and he said that he didn't know what he wanted but he didn't want to break up now and we should just keep talking.

Then he kind of broke down and admitted to me that he had done something really stupid. He eventually admitted that he cheated on me and slept with someone else. As you can imagine I was completely horrified and shocked and I ended the conversation pretty quickly after that, and told him it was over. He sent me a message after saying that he was so so so sorry and he never wanted to hurt me or anything like this to happen, and that he had been under so much pressure at work (he just started his own business) he had lost his mind and didn't know what came over him. He said that I was the only girl he's ever loved and he didn't want to lose me but he didn't a life that was just us either.

We didn't speak much after that. We had one more conversation on the phone a week later because I was starting to weaken and think maybe we could work things out, but he made it clear that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, and he said that he thinks he cheated because he wanted to break up but he was afraid he wouldn't so by cheating it made it final and it also forced him to end things (pathetic, I know) He also said during that conversation that he was so terrified that I would never speak to him again and he kept thinking about all the good times we had had together and that he wanted to keep talking to me. He said to also disregard all the bad things he said about me in our break up conversation because he was just making excuses and trying to avoid telling me he cheated.

So after that I didn't speak to him for a month. I called him once and he didn't answer and he sent me a message asking how I was going and what I had been doing. After a month I called him, because I had questions for him and wanted to clear some stuff up. It was nice to talk to him, it was like how we used to talk and it made me really happy.

I then found out off a friend that he met the person he cheated with me on tinder... and that it wasn't just a one off occurrence. This horrified me as well. He always refused to give me details about the girl or what happened, but he implied that it was just a drunken one night stand. Turns out he was talking to her online and then met up with her and then slept with her. He did it once before we broke up, but then after we had been broken up for a couple of weeks he did it again. I'm not sure how many times.

This upset me so much because he actually had a relationship with this person, and it was also so intentional and calculated, it wasn't just a heat of the moment sort of thing.

When I called him up and got angry with him about it he said that he never intended to cheat, he was just having a really hard time and wanted someone who didn't know him or judge him to talk to. I can understand that... but I can't understand why you would head to tinder if that's what you wanted. Everyone knows what tinder is for...

SO anyway, I just kept telling him that I didn't understand why. I didn't understand why he had done this and what I had done to make him want to hurt me so badly and what had gone wrong. He told me that he's decided that he's going to write down absolutely everything that happened and what he's been thinking, so that I can know everything and also so that he can work out what happened and why he did what he did, because apparently he doesn't even know himself.

He said that he's already filled a whole notebook full of writing and that he's still going, and when he's done he's going to email it to me. He said that he's completely opened up and he's written so much, things that he has never even admitted to himself. He said that it was really good for him and He also said that I could do the same if I wanted and send it to him.

This is kind of good I guess, because maybe I'll get some sort of explanation. But I also think it's really weird. Usually when people break up they communicate less... they don't pour out their souls to each other. I feel like since we broke up we have been communicating our feelings so much better than we ever did when we were together... and I don't understand why he would want me to write down how I was feeling and send it to him.

Then he told me that he's been working on a painting of me. He said he was going to give it to me but then he realised I might not want it. He has gotten into painting portraits lately and he is doing a big portrait of me. He sent me a photo of it. I am so confused!!!!!! Why the hell is he painting me!!!!!

I mean, I don't know what he wants from me. He cheats on me, wants to break up with me, but still wants to rely on me emotionally, and is obviously thinking about me a lot because he's doing a friggin painting of me. He also said that he was happy to hold onto all my stuff until I got home because the apartment will 'seem so empty' when it's gone. He also said that his parents were so disappointed in him when he told them we broke up and he could tell they were thinking he would never do better, and he agreed.

It just seems like he's clinging on but I don't know why, I don't know why he cheated and broke up in the first place if he still wants all this from me. I also don't know what to do because part of me thinks I should totally cut him off... but then I tried that for a month and it didn't help much and just drove me crazy because I had so many things I wanted to say and I couldn't. But then I don't want to stay attached indefinitely either.

I'm getting home in 2 weeks and I'm going to see him then. I'm so afraid of how I'm going to feel when I see him. And I'm scared he's going to want me back and I'll be to weak to resist.

[pseudosooz]

This guy is not quiet as confused as you are. He is PLAYING confused, because it makes you confused and in your confusion you stay on the hook a little longer. And since what he desperately craves is attention, it means he's winning. You're losing, unfortunately, because your love is being chucked down the unfillable void which is this man's ego.
My grandma lived on the San Andreas Fault in California, and a crack opened in the floor of her laundry room. A geologist came by and explained to her that that crack, while seemingly small, was so deep that you could rent a dump truck full of sand and dump it down there, and not only NOT fill up the hole, but you could have dumptruck after dumptruck after dumptruck dropping sand for a lifetime, and never fill up that hole. (As unsettling in your laundry room as in your boyfriend.) I wouldn't want to be you, or his next 400 dumptrucks ::ahem:: I mean, girlfriends.
Good Luck!

P.S. The answer is 'Attention' that is what he craves from you and everybody else.

[Wakeup]

^^^ Excellent post.

To add my 2 cents: He's feeling guilty and he's using you, the very person he cheated on to help alleviate that guilt. The more you accommodate his bs words that MEAN NOTHING, the more you give him the excuse to do what he did to you again in the future (if you're silly enough to take him back) or to the next poor sap of a chica that has the misfortune to give herself to him in body, heart, mind.

He's probably doing it sub-consciously but he's playing you emotionally.

If you insist on seeing him (worse thing you could do for BOTH of you actually) but if you insist on it then whatever you do, don't sleep with him because you'll be setting yourself up to be his booty call while he does other booty too... just like he did when you were suppose to be exclusive. Ugh.

Don't let him sweet talk you into anything sexual when he's not committed to you. You will shred your own heart if you do.

[KateMc]

^^^ Excellent post.

To add my 2 cents: He's feeling guilty and he's using you, the very person he cheated on to help alleviate that guilt. The more you accommodate his bs words that MEAN NOTHING, the more you give him the excuse to do what he did to you again in the future (if you're silly enough to take him back) or to the next poor sap of a chica that has the misfortune to give herself to him in body, heart, mind.

He's probably doing it sub-consciously but he's playing you emotionally.

If you insist on seeing him (worse thing you could do for BOTH of you actually) but if you insist on it then whatever you do, don't sleep with him because you'll be setting yourself up to be his booty call while he does other booty too... just like he did when you were suppose to be exclusive. Ugh.

Don't let him sweet talk you into anything sexual when he's not committed to you. You will shred your own heart if you do.

Thank you both for your opinions. They're hard to read and I don't believe them but that's probably just because I don't want to believe them. I think you both have valid points that are probably true to a certain extent... but I do think if he is doing those things it's probably all subconscious...

Just one thing, I don't understand why seeing him when I return is the worst thing I could do for both of us... This entire break up has happened over the phone and I haven't been able to look him in the eye once over the past two months.
I want him to face up to what he's done by seeing me, and I also want to see him and see in his face and in his actions that we are through. Then it will seem real.
It still seems like a fantasy to me. I mean, I'm on the other side of the world and it's all been over less than 5 phone calls. I think I deserve to see him, that's just a normal part of a break up. Plus I am probably going to run into him eventually so I might as well get it over with when I am psyched up for it and not bumping into him god knows where.

[Apex]

Your ex is trying to string you along. People break up and then sometimes get back together out of comfort - horrible reason, but it happens..and then they usually break up again (cyclical relationship). It seems like this guy is trying to create positive communication with you for his own sake - he is only thinking about himself on relieving his own anxiety/guilt of cheating and breaking up. He perceives that getting back together with you will stop those feelings - and is not considering how you feel about all of this.

In the case of seeing him when you return being the worst idea - it may very well be, especially if tries to bamboozle you and convince you to take him back. Are you prepared to have that conversation? Tell him that he should have grown a pair within the relationship, to actually communicate his feelings/concerns rather than resort to cheating as a means of exiting and be done with it.

For your sake - just make a clean cut. Enjoy your life, pursue your own ambitions, and date other people who are more worth your while. Then you don't have to think about this bullshit guy..

[KateMc]

Your ex is trying to string you along. People break up and then sometimes get back together out of comfort - horrible reason, but it happens..and then they usually break up again (cyclical relationship). It seems like this guy is trying to create positive communication with you for his own sake - he is only thinking about himself on relieving his own anxiety/guilt of cheating and breaking up. He perceives that getting back together with you will stop those feelings - and is not considering how you feel about all of this.

In the case of seeing him when you return being the worst idea - it may very well be, especially if tries to bamboozle you and convince you to take him back. Are you prepared to have that conversation? Tell him that he should have grown a pair within the relationship, to actually communicate his feelings/concerns rather than resort to cheating as a means of exiting and be done with it.

For your sake - just make a clean cut. Enjoy your life, pursue your own ambitions, and date other people who are more worth your while. Then you don't have to think about this bullshit guy..

I'd just like to say thanks to all of you for your responses. They are harsh and hard to read but after thinking it over for a couple of days I think you are all mostly right. I do think he is not doing it intentionally, but he is definitely stringing me along and it is purely for selfish reasons. I am fairly sure he doesn't want to get back together (and I won't get back together with him even if he does) but I know he doesn't want to lose me completely.

I have realised that by us staying in contact I will always end up getting hurt and frustrated. He is satisfied with a lot less communication than me, so I will always be the one contacting him and he will always have the control over whether to respond or not.

But I also know he likes hearing from me, probably because as you said, he likes the attention and knowing that he is desired.

I have decided that I am not going to contact him again until I get home in 2 weeks. Until then instead of contacting him I'm going to write down everything I feel like saying to him. Then I am going to meet up with him when I return (we both live in a small city and it is inevitable that we will run into each other so I'd rather it be on my terms) and I'm going to tell him everything I want to tell him and tell him I'm not going to let myself be strung along and that our relationship is completely over. Then I'm not going to see or talk to him anymore. I was beginning to convince myself that we could be friends and stay in touch but now I see I was just kidding myself. That's what he wants but it's not what I want and I won't ever be satisfied with a friendship so I am going to walk away.

[Wakeup]

Good for you, Kate. Let us know how it went and we'll be here for you when you get back.

(((ciao for now)))

[woody]

^^ They've said it all Kate. REally like the Tom Robbins quote.
Hold strong. It won't be easy, at all; and if you do actually hold back from contacting him, you do know he'll pursue you even harder right?

He is feeling guilty and needs you to tell him everything is alright; but it isn't is it? No. He lied, cheated, lied some more and then cheated again. It's a rough one to go through in your situation. You must be strong and withhold.
Tell him you wish him every success in growing a spine but it is not your responsibility to be bone donor.

Obviously he is feeling badly over what he's done to you, hence the painting and the letters. Yet that does not deflect the fact that he's got it in him to be a cheater. A cheater that then pulls on your heartstrings, stringing you along.
well screw that right.

If you take him back, what happens next time he makes a mistake? Another painting? Come on. You must remember who you are and settle for nothing less than what you know you deserve. stay strong.

[Wakeup]

and if you do actually hold back from contacting him, you do know he'll pursue you even harder right?

What difference does that make? Eventually without her responding, he'll go away and stop making an ass out of his already asshole self.

[woody]

Yes, true, he'll go away eventually but perhaps, in her state of missing him, his boo hoo antics and beckoning's will make it harder for her to cut him off. Don't know if i said that clearly enough. Let's see here; It's harder to cut someone off when their being oh so sweet. That's the difference. Make sense? Maybe not. Maybe so.

[rest77]

The first time he said am breaking up with you, i will say amen to that and not give him anymore time of my day. I prefer to go indoor and hurt alone, then move on with my life. I don't need any more explanation from him.

[moneyspills]

If you insist on seeing him (worse thing you could do for BOTH of you actually) but if you insist on it then whatever you do, don't sleep with him because you'll be setting yourself up to be his booty call while he does other booty too... just like he did when you were suppose to be exclusive. Ugh.






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