Is he really moving on that quickly?

[CedarsGirl]

Good morning everyone. My problem is that I cannot understand my ex's behaviour. Here is my story:

We have been together for almost two years now. We were very much in love and wanted to get married in two or three years. However, since the beginning of the summer we have had so many fights and arguments. Every time we get over a fight, another one starts. We had some small happy moments in between the fights but it wasn't enough for him to feel happy. The reason of our fights were many. I lied to him about my past and I came forward so it lead to mistrust, I felt guilty about something in my life and no matter how much he tried to make me feel better it was very hard for me. So he was sick of my mood and he lost his trust for me and he reminded me of that. He was also pissed that I cry too much about anything and everything. I am a very sensitive person.

When we started going to the university again, it was fine the first days, I thought we were happy. I was at least. But then I cried once more about something that I felt guilty about during the summer and it created problems once again.

One day he came to me and said he wanted to tell me something. he said he spent time with a girl this day (exactly 15 minutes) and enjoyed it. I questioned him about whether he likes her he said he would never do that to me but that it felt nice to talk to someone who knew nothing about "all the shit he has been going through for 4 months". I was very jealous of this girl and we talked about her a lot the next days he kept saying its not about her it was just about forgetting his problems but I kept crying because he said "Even if we break up I have no chance with her she is probably with someone" I felt that this meant that he wants a chance.

The same day, he told me he can't take this anymore. at first he said he wants a break and all that but then the conversation ended in us breaking up for good. What shocked me is he was really cold while breaking up with me. Sometimes smiling and also making jokes. He said stuff like you'll find someone who will make you happy I really wish that and that this was better for both of us.

I cried for days and then I talked to him, asking him for clarifications. He said he feels very depressed and very lonely and that every time he thinks of anything it leads him back to me, that he prefers his life with me but that he made the right decision. that he is paranoied, has trust issues and he ended up telling me that he loves me but he is not in love with me anymore. that its the kind of love that comes from sharing a history with someone and hoping their life ends up better than his. I was very shocked to hear this as two days earlier he kept telling me how much he loves me and he was very cute with me.

Then I asked him about this girl. whether he meant he wanted a chance with her and he said yes. I didn't know how to take that. He said many things that were contradicting each other in the next days:

- he thinks about her a lot
- he can't get her out of his head
- doesn't even know her full name,
- talked to her only once
- doesn't know what he wants
- doesn't know if he likes her
- doesn't know if she likes him
- doesn't even wanna know
- doesn't care if he doesn't see her again
- wants to see her and just to get to know her and see how it goes
- she seems like a potential partner, a good person and who isn't like me asking too much questions and getting emotional

I asked him if its a rebound he said "maybe". Then he said "I don't wanna be alone". "I want someone". I said you want "her" he said "anyone". but the day before he said he doesn't just want anyone

I asked him when did he stop loving me he said "the day I left you". I asked him how he could move on so quickly he said "do you want me to tell myself leaving you was the worst decision ive ever made and cry all day? it wasn't working between us. you should move on too"

I cried and said many things to which he also said contradictory words such as

- I am not over you
- If I keep telling myself I love you ill never stop loving you
- Sometimes I feel I love you but it goes away very fast as I remember how much you can make me angry or depressed
- I didn't leave you for her I left you for us
- I am not ready to love again


To summarize, I feel very betrayed, If he left me because its not working between us and he feels like he cannot be happy with me anymore I can quiet understand but even then,

How could someone stop loving someone in one day?
How could someone be into another girl this fast and want a shot with her?
How could he want to be in a relationship a few days after we break up?
He even wants to be friends with me how is this possible after two years of such great love?

I feel like he doesn't care and it kills me inside because even if at the end we had a lot of fights we were very in love and he knew my brother and my parents very well and we meant the world to each other. I could tell him anything about me literally

I don't know if this is relevant to my story or the the reasons of this behaviour but he is very much of a loner. He doesn't have many friends and is often walking alone on campus.

[Wakeup]

He's been thinking about breaking up with you long before he did... he just didn't tell you about it. That's why it seems so sudden to you while in reality, the relationship has been over for him for some time but he's just gotten the nerve to end things.

You said yourself that the relationship was tumultuous for most part which tells us that it wasn't meant to be a Lifetime partnership. You have to read back what you wrote and then tell yourself what you would tell your sister if it were her.

You need to work on yourself so that you're happy while single so get out there and do things that will have you meeting new people, start a hobby, speak to yoru doctor(s) about depression and/or general unhappiness and your constant emotional outbursts and get help with getting over that insecurity within you. You must learn how to self-sooth so that you're not putting so much burden on other people to make you happy.

Work on yourself and be glad that he didn't stay with you thereby enabling you to remain in your current state of generalized unhappiness within.

You'll be fine in time and what you do with that time. Work on you so that you'll be that much more dating savvy in the future. Don't keep in contact with him, it will just stagnate you in your hope for a reconciliation.

[woody]

^Yes.
Sorry to say CedarGirl but from what you've said it does indeed sound like he's been wanting to do this for awhile and finally built up the nerve.
And sadly, it could mean also mean that he's talked to this other girl more than he's claimed.

His contradicting words could be him wanting to ease the pain. (on you or on him?)
Unfortunately many men (and women) tend to go back and forth thinking this could lighten the blow when in fact it makes it more difficult. What is needed is clarity and closure; the truth hurts but going back and forth hurts way more...
This will not be easy on you. It will take time, allot of self love and reflection on your part and then it will take more time. Allow me to say, i'm sorry your going through this. Don't know you but i've been there and it was brutal. Couldn't figure it out. In hindsight I wished they would have had the balls to just be brutishly honest with me rather than the treat my heart like a yo yo. I know now they (he) did this to make himself feel better at my expense. Don't let that happen to you.
Don't be fooled or blinded by what if's. I would imagine he's been 'talking' to this other girl way more than he's suggested. That might help you close the door on him a little faster. It's going to hurt but you will move on from this, wiser and better for it.

As W.U said, work on yourself. Take this opportunity to re access everything. You can and will do this. Good luck C.G

[CedarsGirl]

Thank you for your answers. He sent me this message yesterday:

"I don't want u to reply to this. I don't even know if I should tell you this but I would like you to know that I am sorry. I'm the problem not you. I realized that I hurt you more than I knew. and that you weren't wrong. I was, Im sorry for breaking my promises, and im sorry for breaking your heart, but im a child. you were right when you said I was immature, I didn't understand, and im not sure I fully do, but I know that I was the problem and you were the one who suffered, maybe it was because this was the first time ive ever fallen in love, maybe it was because I was under too much pressure, but those aren't excuses for getting angry and distant and not giving you the love that you deserved. I didn't understand how someone could love someone else so much, and I didn't know what to do in certain situations. I was wrong and I was a child. and im the problem, not you. I don't ever want you to forget that, and I don't want you to blame anyone but me for anything that happened. im sorry that I made you promises that I couldn't keep and im sorry for the memories I gave you that hurt you so much right now. I hope you have a much better life without me in it, and God bless you. Thank you for the best two years of my life"

I don't know what this message means. Does he regret letting me go? Does he not but feels guilty? Does he still want this girl? I don't know what to think or understand

[purple_roses]

You two are making this breakup much more painful than it has to be. If you guys were smart, u would quit talking for awhile and really figure out what u want. You guys are just dragging this out. He's no longer happy in the relationship. He's going to keep playing with you til he finds a parmament replacement. Stick up for yourself and start moving on. Being friends with him will never work. It's normal to miss an ex, But you have to be strong and realize what's best for you.

[Wakeup]

Thank you for your answers. He sent me this message yesterday:

"I don't want u to reply to this. I don't even know if I should tell you this but I would like you to know that I am sorry. I'm the problem not you. I realized that I hurt you more than I knew. and that you weren't wrong. I was, Im sorry for breaking my promises, and im sorry for breaking your heart, but im a child. you were right when you said I was immature, I didn't understand, and im not sure I fully do, but I know that I was the problem and you were the one who suffered, maybe it was because this was the first time ive ever fallen in love, maybe it was because I was under too much pressure, but those aren't excuses for getting angry and distant and not giving you the love that you deserved. I didn't understand how someone could love someone else so much, and I didn't know what to do in certain situations. I was wrong and I was a child. and im the problem, not you. I don't ever want you to forget that, and I don't want you to blame anyone but me for anything that happened. im sorry that I made you promises that I couldn't keep and im sorry for the memories I gave you that hurt you so much right now. I hope you have a much better life without me in it, and God bless you. Thank you for the best two years of my life"

I don't know what this message means. Does he regret letting me go? Does he not but feels guilty? Does he still want this girl? I don't know what to think or understand

If you don't understand it then for goodness sakes, read it again without putting your own hope into it. It's straight forward and clear that he's simply apologizing, giving you permission to blame him for any wrong doing so that you can move on from him and quit wishing for him back. He's not coming back. It's over and he's sorry for any pain he caused you. That's it... nothing else, no hope to be had in it whatsoever. Wake Up and accept that.

Z. E. R. O. CONTACT NOW so that you rehab from your addiction of having him in your life so that you can eventually get to the stage of indifference to him which will then leave you open in mind and heart to meet someone new.

I'm repeating the quote below because it's very important that you get motivated to carry out what is suggested because if you don't, the next guy you get with will get tired of being your sole source of happiness as well.

You need to work on yourself so that you're happy while single so get out there and do things that will have you meeting new people, start a hobby, speak to yoru doctor(s) about depression and/or general unhappiness and your constant emotional outbursts and get help with getting over that insecurity within you. You must learn how to self-sooth so that you're not putting so much burden on other people to make you happy.

[CedarsGirl]

He called me before yesterday but I was sleeping. I saw him on campus the next day and he came to me saying he wants to talk. He started crying and apologizing and saying that if I ever was to forgive him he will be right here waiting, that he made the biggest mistake of his life letting me go, and that he learned from his mistake of taking me for granted. He says he appreciates what he had and knows its value now, that this girl was just some sort of curiosity, he says he told himself if he can get me he can get anyone and because he wasn't happy in the relationship anymore he said maybe someone else can make me happy and he says he was wrong and that he doesn't see a future except with me or alone. what do I do? should I forgive him? im really confused.. I cant get over the fact that he tried to move on only a few days after the breakup... any advice

[woody]

(first off, allow me to say there are always exceptions and in no way is my opinion the be all say all) BUT

for goodness sake; dear lady, when a man truly and deeply loves his lady, he does NOT go elsewhere, period.
He's reaching. He probably got turned down by this other girl (i'm sorry to say but take off your rose tinted glasses) and he's feeling like a shmuck, needs some re assurance on his manliness and 'oh, how convenient, there you are with your arms wide open ready to receive him again'. WEll, NO.

What happens the next time he's 'curious'? Dear woman, self worth. Hey, if you really like this guy and you believe him, make him earn it. If he's for real, he'll wait and he'll wait. I'll say it again, when we really love someone, they are all we see. There is no one else for they are all we see and there is no need to even look elsewhere.
So you honestly want to be with someone who you can't trust? Let alone someone who uses such lame excuses? He says, "I wasn't happy in the relationship anymore so maybe someone else can make you happy" What the heck? Do you see how he's putting that on you? Rather than owning his own feelings? Cop out material. You want someone who uses weak cop out tactics or do you want a real man who owns his actions and feelings rather than finding a way to put it all on you.

if you do give him another chance, I'd make him wait and earn it. You'll find out more regarding his character with some time and maybe it will work and maybe you'll move on thankfully.

[Wakeup]

He called me before yesterday but I was sleeping. I saw him on campus the next day and he came to me saying he wants to talk. He started crying and apologizing and saying that if I ever was to forgive him he will be right here waiting, that he made the biggest mistake of his life letting me go, and that he learned from his mistake of taking me for granted. He says he appreciates what he had and knows its value now, that this girl was just some sort of curiosity, he says he told himself if he can get me he can get anyone and because he wasn't happy in the relationship anymore he said maybe someone else can make me happy and he says he was wrong and that he doesn't see a future except with me or alone. what do I do?

should I forgive him? im really confused.. I cant get over the fact that he tried to move on only a few days after the breakup... any advice

Sorry, but I don't believe you that he's come to you in this manner. From your first post, had he actually came begging for you back, you'd have jumped at the chance to be with him again and you'd certainly not be asking us for advice on what you should do.

In case its the truth: You've had nothing but bullsh*t with this guy throughout your entire relationship with him. Its obvious what you SHOULD do but will you have the self-worth, the self respect, the personal boundaries and the confidence to do it?

[dontaskme]

You are not C.O.M.P.A.T.I.B.L.E. Zero Contact or else you will drag this break up forever when you could be working on moving on. Don't be such a weakling.

No man wants a woman who is WEAK!

[fearoflove]

I think you should look at the bigger picture. Breaking up can be a VERY good thing for you and him. You will find someone better. Just TRUST and be PATIENT. The heartache and attachment that you feel right now is just from the habit of being with this person for awhile. When you give yourself time to heal and be by yourself, you will begin the habit of life without him and things will feel better. I can tell you have feelings for him but he has not decided he wants to be with you. Other people's feelings cannot be controlled. Let him decide if he wants to be with you or not by just leaving him alone. If he wants you and want to try to make it work, he will come to you.

[Wakeup]

Fear... he did come to her. Now she wants to know if she should take him back. Well, none of the problems they were having before have changed so why have do-over only for him to be discouraged all over again and leave her twice?

[fearoflove]

oh, opps. Didn't read the updated post. I think the fact that he has thought about being with the other girl is alarming. If you still like him and would like to take him back, then tread carefully. Let him do the work of convincing you that he loves you through action.

[michelle23]

I think he is too immature and needs to grow up if he wants a serious relationship. You on the otherhand, have low self esteem, co-dependency issues and willing to settle for second best coz you still have not learned to value or respect yourself.

You need to work on you, heal whatever is broken. He hurt you, betrayed you, threw you away like you were not nothing after 2 years all because he had some 15minute chat with some random girl.. and then you cried like a baby and begged for him to come back.

You should have been angry, should have said screw you, I deserve better and held your head high as you walked the other way.. even if it hurt. Where is your self respect? Your dignity? Pride? Confidence?

Why would you even want a relationship full of drama, trust issues, fighting and stress? it wasn't working. He was right to end it but so wrong hoe he did it and that should give you the strenght to move on

Stop talking to him. Block him and ignore him. You will heal faster that way. If he tries to contact you again tell him to **** off. Grow a pair and stop acting like some weak lost puppy

[bulrush]

for goodness sake; dear lady, when a man truly and deeply loves his lady, he does NOT go elsewhere, period.

I have to agree here, because I've finally found a woman who is THAT good. Literally no one else interests me.

OP, you two are incompatible but you are too scared or too weak to admit it. (I've been there too.)