Greetings all,
I'm going to keep this plain and simple although when I say that I usually end up rambling!
It's been about 2 years and a few months since I met the woman I now love. We didn't fall in love quickly, we were friends before anything else and looking back now, she wanted to take her time to make sure I was right for her. We both have little experience in relationships but have experience with life; bad times, good times, ups and downs. And so we know what we want. It's easy to forget that you don't need experience to fall in love. Our love is so strong and passionate, we have an amazing friendship that holds up our relationship with each other which holds up everything else. You can say, we did everything right. We didn't rush. Out of the 2 years and let's say to round it down.. 4 months, we spent a good 50% of that time getting to know each other but there was no rush! It wasn't like our main goal was to be with each other, nothing was forced, it just happened. We have never sex nor do we plan to have sex. I have had sex before but she hasn't and so I decided to commit myself to this woman and wave goodbye to any sexual tendencies I had. I'am a sexual person, over time I've been with her I've learnt that I'm not that overly sexual but before I met her I used sex as a bargaining chip to feel worthy of something or something whereas now, I see sex as something special and when you see something as special like Christmas for example; it tends to be better the more infrequent and less overworked and used in relationships. Or so I have found. I've found that sex in the early stages of a relationship tend to ruin things, you are just getting to know this woman/man and before you know it, you are jumping into bed with each other when you don't have a real connection other than surface lust and desire. That's my stance on it anyway. And I say we have had no sex because I feel proud of that. I'm gone the best part of 2 and a half years without it and do I feel worse for it? Hell no! I have friend that 'believe' they couldn't go two weeks without sex nevermind two years. And it's a shame because I can't see why people want to advertise their weaknesses like it's a strength, in guys I think it's 'manly' to have sex often and to exert your manliness "Hey guys I had sex!" and a huge roar is bellowed by your fellow bro's. It's nothing short of school-yard logic.

I didn't come here to discuss sex but as you can see I have strong proud views on my celibacy. And I owe that to this woman. I've never felt so pure in all my life.
Having said that, we have an amazing bond and things when they work work REALLY well. We are like a two man team. We get things done. We help each other. We both had insecurities coming into the relationship, as the relationship went on - it appeared I had really serious insecurities which I will explain a little further. But we helped each other. I showed her she could trust her, she opened her arms and I caught her. But, I'm the sort of guy that if I were climbing a mountain with people I really cared about... I'd make sure I were the last man off the mountain, making sure everyone else got up and off it safely before me and so I helped her but I was deaf to her assistance because I have heard it all before, not going to lie. The typical "not going to hurt you" "I wont leave you" "You can trust me" and it all turned out to be lies. And because this relationship was new, I had the same anxieties with her, at that time as much as she said what she said.. she could of said anything and it mean as much as she wanted it to mean without it having any genuine meaning as something I could hold onto and grow from.

This later turned out to be my only downfall in the relationship. I got jealous, I got envious, I got really manipulative to the point where I would say that I had been cheating on her just to try and get her to reassure me, and because she didn't have these really serious really deep emotional bags to throw away - she didn't really understand it. So as you can imagine, bit by bit I started to chip away at her trust. Not meaning too, but if you lie to someone, if you say you've been cheated and you manipulate a woman - she's going to distrust you eventually. Now I was lucky, that never happened because she is so clever and emotionally aware that she knew I wouldn't do that. She kept telling me to stop being silly and stop saying things I didn't mean. It's really disgusting some of the things I did out of desperate to attack the only person I've ever loved through my own insecurities and anxieties. And so we planned to take a break, I was ****ing up and she was starting to crack, she had a lot going on in her life and she then, started to work out what she wanted to do in the future. She's always been a career driven woman, I personally think every woman wants to be successful. It's their freedom and their right to be free and I think with all the pressure on women to be something, be somebody inside and outside of the home; all they want to do is know they have succeeded at something. And so, it makes me happy that she wants to find what she wants to do. She talked about being an officer in the army specifically and initially I were worried but now, I have learnt.. you cannot capture a butterfly. That is not love. The butterfly wants to be free so the best gift you can give that butterfly is for it to be what it wants to be. That being said, in a relationship... you don't love someone if you control them and manipulate them and try and capture them and stop them doing things they want to do through you being scared of them getting hurt. Anything can happen in the world, am I right or wrong? I could get run over tomorrow, she could get run over tomorrow. We don't think like that or we shouldn't because it's not healthy - but we know it's entirely possible. And now, thanks to this break.. I have realized that. And I have let her go.

So it's been 6 months so far. And I have another 6 months to go before I talk to her again. And I'm excited. I've changed a lot, I've changed the way I behave, the way I think and the way I act. I'll never be someone else, because I tried that before and did it work? No. I've gone through all my life putting on an act. Trying to be someone tough and free and strong. Which is why I caused what I caused because deep inside I couldn't care whether something was over or not, because all I thought about was me. My problems and how chaotic they were. And how I could influence them into my life and all I did whether I wanted to or not was subconsciously mix them into my love life and create a poisonous broth of paranoia and jealousy. Now, I'm doing well. I moved out from the old place I were living in. That place was dragging me down, it was supposed to just be a half-way house, a place where I can reconcile the happening in my life previous to any of this (homelessness, drug addiction *recreational*, friendship issues, attachment issues, abandonment issues etc etc) and for me to land on my feet and then to move forward. I ended up staying in that apartment far too long, ended up in and out of jobs, realized a lot of people I tried to reconnect with were far worse than I had ever imagined myself to be. Most of my old 'best friends' are potheads and party drug addicts. Speed, MDMA, cocaine.. all the party supplements. I gave that all up but when I went back to visit some, thinking I could recreate friendships. All I saw were underweight unhealthy looking excuses of life. No jobs, no future, no true calling and it made me realize just how I had come. Those things I did for those friends never took off. Instead one of them tried to steal my bike when I had a drink with him, for me to come slamming on his door demanding it back for the neighbours to ring the police and for me to be arrested for demanding something that had been stolen from me. I got the bike back fortunately but only when I demanded the police officer to check the property and it was found on the back street, luckily it was a $2000 bike and those things don't break so damn easily let me tell you! And so, the handlebar were a little buckled, the rear derailuer had moved a little but nothing to write home about. So yup, on my way to the police station holding my bike in the back of the van because I chose to visit a friend I wanted to rekindle a relationship. I say, I wanted to rekindle. Spent money getting there, money on beer when I was there along with takeaway money. It's not the money that counts but when you do something like that and it becomes un-noticed, you start bringing up those sorts of things. Money these days for me anyway, is in short supply.

So you can see where my trust issues have spouted from. And don't think these are rare off chance situations. I've been stolen from, being lied to, being cheated on and talked about behind my back. I've the centre of attention for the horrible friends I had accrued, since I never got nasty about it - that seemed to make it worse for me. Then I flipped, I know I could break every single friend I've come into contact with if I wanted to. I'm not a physically weak guy nor am I definitely not mentally weak. I can put up a good fight. And so I scrapped with both above mentioned guys. One of them phoned the police saying he's never been more scared in his life and the first time in his life he has known have I ever been that real with him. Good. I'm glad. The police never turned up I might add. Another was the guy who tried to steal my bike, he had the cheek to shut the door on me, whilst I were going to walk away he kicked me in the back and so I dragged him outside and put him in a headlock. I'm perfectly capable of ending these guys. I don't have a problem with it. But I'm a good guy. Always have been. But you can probably sense the anger in my message here, and that also relayed into this relationship. So anger and trust issues are my main weakness.

This woman told me that I have another chance, I'm not inferior to this woman but she is right. As much as we are both equal to each other, I almost put myself to the bottom of her pile myself just by acting like a fool I had acted like all those years ago when I were hanging about with weak people. I see life as, you become a product of your own environment. It became hard-wired into my head not to trust any of my friends, and... yeah.. that rubbed off on her. As you can quite easily see in everything I have been saying so far. So I'm going to take this chance, I've had so many people tell me that I'm delusional to think that she is coming back or we will get back together but if anything, that's an insult to me because it's insinuated that I will be the reason that won't happen because I won't change. On a progress scale of 1 to 100%, I'm a good 40% through my change now, quite easily along those lines of recovery. I'm seeking counselling for my issues, I'm reading books of cognitive behavioural therapy which I presume is what my soon-to-be counsellor will suggest and so, I'll be one step ahead. I'm in a new place with people I get along with. Normal working people. That are not the sort of idiots I've messed around with. Educated hard working friendly people that society accept. Not the deadbeats I was once and the people I hanged around with. I know what I did wrong and I think it's obvious to anyone else who has read this. I didn't change when I got into this relationship, I brought everything including my past and my issues and my personality slowly into the relationship, bit by bit. And it caused this. People can change. I'm not perfect. She wasn't perfect by all means, she made mistakes and she knows she didn't help what happened either. But she didn't do what I did.

So I'm changing guys.. and... it's been 6 months... I guess I'll end this with a question.
How many of you out there have had this opportunity to change and you DID change and things worked out for you because of your change? What did YOU personally do to change? And how long did it take?
I'm facing some sort of minuscule identity crisis, I'm excited yet scared. I'm crossing into unknown territory here because I haven't been myself for so long..

I just wanna see those that can relate and maybe give me your stories and your impressions of the journey of personal development and how it affected you and made things in your life, like a loving incredible relationship in mine to prosper like never before. Also, if you haven't had experience in this then please don't reply with your suggestions or your presumptions. I know how these forums work and, we all different stories to tell, not one person is created equally and so to determine what happens in my relationship just because it happened in yours - is just flawed drivel in my opinion. I'm not here to have her intentions questioned. I trust her with ALL of my heart, that is not the issue. My trust has grown incredibly because I've had no choice but.. trust her or loser her. Most people want to quit because they fear the worst, that's insecurity in itself and something I'm working on beating for myself so I do not have time to focus on commenting on those that cannot share my mentality and my enthusiasm. I will either change and be with this woman or I will not change and will not be with this woman. Sure, she might never contact me again but if that's the case she will of been a fraud, a liar and ten times as disgusting as I had ever been. I never demanded 365 years apart to then ditch her. I made mistakes, God forgive me I made mistakes. But nothing can comes anywhere near the depths of such possible situation. But it's unlikely, it's more than unlikely. It's impossible because I know her and she wouldn't do that.

Okay so I think I've said everything, please read everything especially the note before this, I do not want to argue my case. I don't have a point to prove to anyone but her. I have asked nicely for you to ignore any really tempting desires to tell me I'm this or that in regards to this situation. This is about personal development and improving MYSELF. And anything that apposes that is weak, and right now... I can't be dealing with weakness so if you want to bring that to the table, talk a counsellor like I'm planning on doing or post it elsewhere.

I hope to hear your stories guys!
Look forward to talking to you.