Have I fallen in love with her?

[black]

I ask for your help. Sorry for the textwall

I'm 23 and currently at university. I've never been the social one; more like the loner, intj, preferring solitude to people because well, I've never liked much their activities like drinking, smoking, staring in the void and chit chatting. I had my soliraty hobbies which were enough to be content, I rarely hanged out with schoolmates. At school I wasn't really treated well; classmates didn't really care about me, at most they'd ask me out for help because I was smart and nothing more. Even the girls weren't much different.

There was this one girl who was nice to everyone, the classic sunny girl, who joked with me and pretended to be my wife as a joke just to have some laugh together. It was just playing around, we rarely hanged out but she was probably the only female friend with who I could have some laugh. It was probably because she was the only one truly nice and accepting that I started to think more about her in a "serious" way... and this scared me off.

I always saw myself as a fortress, no feelings for anyone, just me and the world. I've always been on my own; I don't even know what love is. I've heard the word, investigated what it was about and made theories about it. I thought that love wasn't really selfless but rather selfish and always believed that "love" is not unconditional but that there are clear and logical reasons as to why someone likes someone else: it can be the appearance, the common hobbies, the common tastes, the common personalities, the common philosophy and so on. There is always a reason. I would say that I never loved my parents, relatives, "friends" etc, never really needed anyone at all. I've been going through life doing things alone, being independent and my own person. I've closed off my heart because I realized how nasty people can become just by witnessing other people's experience. I consider myself a wise man and decided to learn from others' experience and not make the same mistakes.

I'm still a man, I have my needs, and till not so much time ago I would have been fine with just having a sexfriend; no feelings or commitment involved. I convinced myself that because of how I am, I could have never loved anyone in general, and I confirmed that idea day by day by noticing how I didn't care about anyone or anything.

Still, for these 7-8 years, I haven't forgotten about that girl. I tried to distance myself from her, thinking that maybe it was just a temporary moment, just my mind being cloudy; I tried to convince myself that it would have been not feasible to start a serious relationship with her because we are different: she's extrovert, I'm introvert, I like solitude while she's surrounded by friends, she's very active while I'm lazy and we got different tastes as well... I could just find few things in common, not a good enough reason to like her. Not a logical reason as to why I should prefer her to someone else.

However, no matter how much I tried to distance myself from her, It happened that sometimes we reunited with our old classmates (we are both in different universities at the moment), and everytime her scent clouded my mind and her presence put doubts in me by giving off ambiguous signals. She seems to be very affectionate, yet I could justify it by saying that she's nice to everyone. She still jokes about her being my wife, but got a bit colder. She doesn't seem to mind me at all but, once again, I could justify it by saying that she's ok with everyone. When I'm closest to convince myself that I'm just like everyone else to her, there it goes some signal that I might probably be, even if only slightly, more special.

When I met her recently in our hometown, we decided to see each other before departing again for university and I was somewhat looking for that night. I think I was missing her, and I never ever miss anyone in any time of the year, NO exceptions. I actually thought "What if I actually liked her all this time without knowing it? I might as well accept the idea and see how it feels" and well, it was unexpectatly easy to surrender to that idea. When I hugged her, I got lost in her scent again and then... she told me that sometimes I could go visit her where her university is... and stay the night since there is a free room.

This happened one week ago and since that night I haven't been able to see other girls sexually. I've always fantasized about the chicks when going out, wouldn't have minded trying something or hoping in something, but now they have become like rocks. I was so horny and now it all vanished. I don't even notice them when walking, my mind is more cloudy than ever.

I have to understand... or better, I "want" to understand. I studied and analyzed myself and my personality for long time, I've discovered who I am and how I work, what I like and why and I'm satisfied with how my mind works. I've investigated psychology to deepen my knowledge on the mind, came to know many things that helped me understand myself even better but when it comes to emotions, I fail to comprehend.

I've never been the emotional one; never cried for funerals, never really felt affection for some human being, never actually cried if not when I was a kid and it was because of rage, never missed anyone. Rage is the only "emotion" i really know; I learnt how to use it to my advantage but that's it.

I don't feel what people define as "sadness" or "loneliness". I'm always on my own and I like being alone; I can go for months without seeing family or "friends" and it's very fine. It''d be ok even if I never saw them again. There is no sadness and there is also no real joy in my life but I'm content with that. It makes me strong, I have no weak points, and it worked very fine so far... so far indeed

Now there is this situation I don't really understand. If I try to consciously avoid and seal it off, my subconscious haunts me down with dreams, and they are not nightmares, they are very good dreams.

Help me to understand. Thanks

[michelle23]

Could you be autistic-possibly aspergers syndrome?

Or when you feel "rage" how does it make you feel? Do you want to physically hurt someone or is it that you just feel frustrated and need to vent/bitch or punch a wall?

More detail please..

[black]

Could you be autistic-possibly aspergers syndrome?

Or when you feel "rage" how does it make you feel? Do you want to physically hurt someone or is it that you just feel frustrated and need to vent/bitch or punch a wall?

More detail please..

No autism/aspie. Most likely schizoid style from what I've studied.

Also, I use frustration as a fuel to achieve my goals. I'm unmotivated most of the time, so when I occasionally get pissed off, I can use that occasion to do something to better myself. No venting/punching/whatever, I just transform it in energy.

[Lilia]

You have a beautiful writing style btw. The rhythm and everything…A bit poetic too. Like an ocean with big slow waves.
Do you think your emotional numbness could be a defense mechanism of some sort?
Would you be afraid or feel discomfort if you were caught up in strong feelings for another person?
May be you should explore a new side of your personality by letting yourself open up to another person and experiencing love with them?

[pseudosooz]

Fascinating.

I think your mind has just become fixated on the puzzle that is her relationship to you. I think your brain is very curious, and that is why it's shutting off the physical attraction to other women, it's hoping to drive you to take her up on her offer to visit.

Based on what you've shared, I don't think you two are a match. I think ultimately she would need much more affection than you can naturally offer, however, I do think that she could be an amazing resource as a friend, in helping you see the aspects of yourself that it is impossible to see through your own eyes. She's obviously open to getting to know you, and you obviously respect her. So it could be an educational experience.

So my final answer is: No, you haven't fallen into love, but rather into intrigue.

But that is just a guess.

[black]

You have a beautiful writing style btw. The rhythm and everything…A bit poetic too. Like an ocean with big slow waves.
Do you think your emotional numbness could be a defense mechanism of some sort?
Would you be afraid or feel discomfort if you were caught up in strong feelings for another person?
May be you should explore a new side of your personality by letting yourself open up to another person and experiencing love with them?

Defense mechanism? If not getting my hopes up for everything and not purposefully hurting myself are considered a defense, then yes, I'm defending myself. I actually wonder why others don't do the same and prefer to fall and hit their head so many times.

Also, I've been this way for my entire life. I pride myself for being so cold, rational and calm in any given situation, no matter what the circumstances are; it makes me strong, it makes me independent, it makes me... invincible. In fact, according to me, this new situation is an anomaly for me. A part of me has opened up to the idea that I "might" try to be romantically involved with a girl, as long as she's worth it... or as long as it is safe I suppose. Still, she would be the only one to see this side of me.

I would surely feel discomfort if I were caught emotionally vulnerable, especially if I were the rejected one as that would put shame on me and it would put me down from the pedestal where I've put myself on and where I've been standing all this time (proof that I CAN be really invincible). I don't have a god complex... but I guess we aren't that far either.

A good part of me wishes for her to find some ****ing boyfriend so that I can definitely cut her off and return to my wonderful self. Sometimes I feel like forcing it and start "attacking" her in some ways so that whatever connection we have or could have had is severed forever,in order not to raise any future "hopes". Yet, everytime I'm going to "finish it off", there it goes that mixed signal that opens the doors again.
[MENTION=68167]pseudosooz[/MENTION]
I don't believe in friendship or, better, I have very high standards for friends, so I can safely state that I haven't got one single person I consider a friend. I'd classify everyone as a colleague/acquaintance at most. The ones that come closest would be the guys with who I usually hang out with, who are like 2-3 (ok, only one), and that is because we got very similar minds; both intuitives, we can communicate with each other without others even noticing. We just get what the other means and sometimes we think the same thing at the same time. Resonance I like to call it. Even in that case, we are everyone on his own: our personal business stays personal and none of us asks for help or anything. Even if one of us died, the other wouldn't feel anything. We are just like that.

Getting back to that girl, I don't have friends, I never needed them and I still don't need them. I'm giving her some consideration because of this anomalous situation, otherwise I'd delete her from my life. Black and white thinking, yes, that's also how I am: everything or nothing.

I'm somewhat relieved to see that probably what I haven't fallen in "love" as people define it. The problem is that I would be capable to deliver a tank of affection, if I were sure that was the "right" person... even though I don't even know what I'm talking about... whatever... As stated before, I have high standards but I would be able to.

These open possibilities are what plague me. The potential.

[black]

You have a beautiful writing style btw. The rhythm and everything…A bit poetic too. Like an ocean with big slow waves.
Do you think your emotional numbness could be a defense mechanism of some sort?
Would you be afraid or feel discomfort if you were caught up in strong feelings for another person?
May be you should explore a new side of your personality by letting yourself open up to another person and experiencing love with them?

Defense mechanism? If not getting my hopes up for everything and not purposefully hurting myself are considered a defense, then yes, I'm defending myself. I actually wonder why others don't do the same and prefer to fall and hit their head so many times.

Also, I've been this way for my entire life. I pride myself for being so cold, rational and calm in any given situation, no matter what the circumstances are; it makes me strong, it makes me independent, it makes me... invincible. In fact, according to me, this new situation is an anomaly for me. A part of me has opened up to the idea that I "might" try to be romantically involved with a girl, as long as she's worth it... or as long as it is safe I suppose. Still, she would be the only one to see this side of me.

I would surely feel discomfort if I were caught emotionally vulnerable, especially if I were the rejected one as that would put shame on me and it would put me down from the pedestal where I've put myself on and where I've been standing all this time (proof that I CAN be really invincible). I don't have a god complex... but I guess we aren't that far either.

A good part of me wishes for her to find some boyfriend so that I can definitely cut her off and return to my wonderful self. Sometimes I feel like forcing it and start "attacking" her in some ways so that whatever connection we have or could have had is severed forever,in order not to raise any future "hopes". Yet, everytime I'm going to "finish it off", there it goes that mixed signal that opens the doors again.

[MENTION=68167]pseudosooz[/MENTION]
I don't believe in friendship or, better, I have very high standards for friends, so I can safely state that I haven't got one single person I consider a friend. I'd classify everyone as a colleague/acquaintance at most. The ones that come closest would be the guys with who I usually hang out with, who are like 2-3 (ok, only one), and that is because we got very similar minds; both intuitives, we can communicate with each other without others even noticing. We just get what the other means and sometimes we think the same thing at the same time. Resonance I like to call it. Even in that case, we are everyone on his own: our personal business stays personal and none of us asks for help or anything. Even if one of us died, the other wouldn't feel anything. We are just like that.

Getting back to that girl, I don't have friends, I never needed them and I still don't need them. I'm giving her some consideration because of this anomalous situation, otherwise I'd delete her from my life. Black and white thinking, yes, that's also how I am: everything or nothing.

I'm somewhat relieved to see that probably what I haven't fallen in "love" as people define it. The problem is that I would be capable to deliver a tank of affection, if I were sure that was the "right" person... even though I don't even know what I'm talking about... whatever... As stated before, I have high standards but I would be able to.

These open possibilities are what plague me. The potential.

[black]

*Trying to understand why this post doesn't get through. Tried 3 times already..."

You have a beautiful writing style btw. The rhythm and everything…A bit poetic too. Like an ocean with big slow waves.
Do you think your emotional numbness could be a defense mechanism of some sort?
Would you be afraid or feel discomfort if you were caught up in strong feelings for another person?
May be you should explore a new side of your personality by letting yourself open up to another person and experiencing love with them?

Defense mechanism? If not getting my hopes up for everything and not purposefully hurting myself are considered a defense, then yes, I'm defending myself. I actually wonder why others don't do the same and prefer to fall and hit their head so many times.

Also, I've been this way for my entire life. I pride myself for being so cold, rational and calm in any given situation, no matter what the circumstances are; it makes me strong, it makes me independent, it makes me... invincible. In fact, according to me, this new situation is an anomaly for me. A part of me has opened up to the idea that I "might" try to be romantically involved with a girl, as long as she's worth it... or as long as it is safe I suppose. Still, she would be the only one to see this side of me.

I would surely feel discomfort if I were caught emotionally vulnerable, especially if I were the rejected one as that would put shame on me and it would put me down from the pedestal where I've put myself on and where I've been standing all this time (proof that I CAN be really invincible). I don't have a god complex... but I guess we aren't that far either.

A good part of me wishes for her to find a boyfriend so that I can definitely cut her off from my mind and return to my wonderful and mighty self. Sometimes I feel like forcing it and start "attacking" her in some ways so that whatever connection we have or could have had is severed forever, in order not to raise any future "hopes". Yet, everytime I'm going to "finish it off", there it goes that mixed signal that opens the doors again.

[MENTION=68167]pseudosooz[/MENTION]
I don't believe in friendship or, better, I have very high standards for friends, so I can safely state that I haven't got one single person I consider a friend. I'd classify everyone as a colleague/acquaintance at most. The ones that come closest would be the guys with who I usually hang out with, who are like 2-3 (ok, only one), and that is because we got very similar minds; both intuitives, we can communicate with each other without others even noticing. We just get what the other means and sometimes we think the same thing at the same time. Resonance I like to call it. Even in that case, we are everyone on his own: our personal business stays personal and none of us asks for help or anything. Even if one of us died, the other wouldn't feel anything. We are just like that.

Getting back to that girl, I don't have friends, I never needed them and I still don't need them. I'm giving her some consideration because of this anomalous situation, otherwise I'd delete her from my life. Black and white thinking, yes, that's also how I am: everything or nothing.

I'm somewhat relieved to see that probably I haven't fallen in "love" as people define it. The problem is that I would be capable to deliver a tank of affection, if I were sure that was the "right" person... even though I don't even know what I'm talking about... whatever... As stated before, I have high standards but I would be able to.

These open possibilities are what plague me. The potential.

[black]

Having hard time postings, let's see if it works now:

You have a beautiful writing style btw. The rhythm and everything…A bit poetic too. Like an ocean with big slow waves.
Do you think your emotional numbness could be a defense mechanism of some sort?
Would you be afraid or feel discomfort if you were caught up in strong feelings for another person?
May be you should explore a new side of your personality by letting yourself open up to another person and experiencing love with them?

Defense mechanism? If not getting my hopes up for everything and not purposefully hurting myself are considered a defense, then yes, I'm defending myself. I actually wonder why others don't do the same and prefer to fall and hit their head so many times.

Also, I've been this way for my entire life. I pride myself for being so cold, rational and calm in any given situation, no matter what the circumstances are; it makes me strong, it makes me independent, it makes me... invincible. In fact, according to me, this new situation is an anomaly for me. A part of me has opened up to the idea that I "might" try to be romantically involved with a girl, as long as she's worth it... or as long as it is safe I suppose. Still, she would be the only one to see this side of me.

I would surely feel discomfort if I were caught emotionally vulnerable, especially if I were the rejected one as that would put shame on me and it would put me down from the pedestal where I've put myself on and where I've been standing all this time (proof that I CAN be really invincible). I don't have a god complex... but I guess we aren't that far either.

A good part of me wishes for her to find a boyfriend so that I can definitely cut her off and return to my wonderful self. Sometimes I feel like forcing it and start "attacking" her in some ways so that whatever connection we have or could have had is severed forever,in order not to raise any future "hopes". Yet, everytime I'm going to "finish it off", there it goes that mixed signal that opens the doors again.
[MENTION=68167]pseudosooz[/MENTION]
I don't believe in friendship or, better, I have very high standards for friends, so I can safely state that I haven't got one single person I consider a friend. I'd classify everyone as a colleague/acquaintance at most. The ones that come closest would be the guys with who I usually hang out with, who are like 2-3 (ok, only one), and that is because we got very similar minds; both intuitives, we can communicate with each other without others even noticing. We just get what the other means and sometimes we think the same thing at the same time. Resonance I like to call it. Even in that case, we are everyone on his own: our personal business stays personal and none of us asks for help or anything. Even if one of us died, the other wouldn't feel anything. We are just like that.

Getting back to that girl, I don't have friends, I never needed them and I still don't need them. I'm giving her some consideration because of this anomalous situation, otherwise I'd delete her from my life. Black and white thinking, yes, that's also how I am: everything or nothing.

I'm somewhat relieved to see that probably what I haven't fallen in "love" as people define it. The problem is that I would be capable to deliver a tank of affection, if I were sure that was the "right" person... even though I don't even know what I'm talking about... whatever... As stated before, I have high standards but I would be able to.

These open possibilities are what plague me. The potential.