This one goes out to the men here...

**Difference** · 21-09-14, 06:14 PM

Given that you were ready to be fathers, and quite excited about becoming one... but your parnter is not ready... how would you want that partner of yours to tell you?

My fiance of 2 years is really excited about becoming a dad and asked me to stop taking the pill (yes I'm not pregnant) but I'm not ready to become a mom so I want to know how to tell him that without hurting him?

**Wakeup** · 21-09-14, 09:24 PM

You say: We're not yet married and I'm not having a child until we are.

**Difference** · 22-09-14, 05:34 AM

how on earth is that a reason? o.0 most parents here are not married...

**pcmaster** · 22-09-14, 05:49 AM

Say that you want to travel around and see the world with him before getting tied with a kid.

**Wakeup** · 22-09-14, 08:13 AM

Originally Posted by Difference

how on earth is that a reason? o.0 most parents here are not married...

Several questions for you:

How old are you? I can see that you're not ready to have children because most people who are ready are mature enough to have an honest and open relationship about their romantic goals and timeframes with their partner and work out when they will be ready and have reasons why they are not ready at the hand.

What difference TO YOU does it make that other "parents" are not married? Why aren't you married, after all you are his fiancée?

Why are you so afraid of telling him that you are not ready for kids yet? You being so afraid to be honest is quite an issue in general and speaks volumes about you.

Whats your reason for not being ready? That would be what you should tell him BTW..
You tell us you don't want to hurt him and you are looking for US to give you excuses that wont' hurt him but no matter what you say, he's going to be disappointed if he's ready and you aren't. That is where compromising and goal setting comes in.

Do you at least live together?

**pcmaster** · 22-09-14, 08:51 AM

This kiss goes to Wakeup X

Mca !)

**Wakeup** · 22-09-14, 08:59 AM

Saaaay Whaaaat? PC... whats with the sad face and the "Mca" ????

**pcmaster** · 22-09-14, 11:00 AM

Oh sorry Wakeup ^_-! :X This is the kiss I wanted to give. just was thinking that you need some love because you made long serious post in this short BS thread made by stupid 21 year old.

"Mca" is the sound of the sweet kiss I gave you on cheek.

**Wakeup** · 22-09-14, 11:55 AM

Originally Posted by pcmaster

Oh sorry Wakeup ^_-! :X This is the kiss I wanted to give. just was thinking that you need some love because you made long serious post in this short BS thread made by stupid 21 year old.

I'm magnanimous that way. lol

"Mca" is the sound of the sweet kiss I gave you on cheek.

A kiss sounds like this: "muhwaaa"

A "kiss-off" sounds like this: "pfffft"

**Difference** · 22-09-14, 12:53 PM

Thank you PC master for calling me stupid...

Wakeup, Yes we live together, and we have been together since I was 14(he's 4 years older than me).

as for my reason to ask some MEN about this is to really see if it were wrong of me to just tell him or if I should be going about this in a different manner... seeing as these incredibly rude answers I have gotten just tell me to go for it and tell him wich is what I had in mind originally but doubted would be the right way, I will just do that.

what difference does it make that other parents are not married? well if I were to use that as an excuse I would have to believe in the consept of marriage, I aggreed to marry him because he does, even tho I don't.. he knows that. and on the other hand I live in Iceland where marriage is not really that big of a deal when it comes to anything other than the wedding it self.

And I simply believe that I will not make a good mom at this time, given that his sisters kids who often stay at our place over night make me crazy and I don't want to be the kind of mom that is always loosing her temper with the kid... I'd rather wait until I have developed better patience(or at least a few years) besides, like PCmaster pointed out, I'm just 22(in 5 weeks) and he is 26... and actually traveling around the world does'nt seem too stupid....

Thank you for your replys, even tho some of them were quite rude..

**Wakeup** · 23-09-14, 03:15 PM

Well, here's another truth that you'll likely find "rude." pffft.

Not only are you NOT on the right page as far as it goes for marriage, you're also not on the same page as to when you'll have children. O.o

Just for the record: Its waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay different when it comes to your own kids then it does someone elses. You'll develop the patience as your wee baby grows and you teach him/her while utilizing your own boundaries.. not have to put up with someone else's idea of a well behaved child or lack thereof.

Whatever you do, don't use that you don't have the patience for it with his sister's kid as your excuse of not being ready. There is no logic in that argument whatsoever.

Tell him you think you're too young (which you appear to be) and that you want to have a life with him child-free for a few more years would probably have a better reaction in your favor.

**andytownsend** · 24-09-14, 03:40 AM

Just say that you're not ready yet! Explain why you're not ready (like there are still so much you want to do, not enough funds, etc) and if he doesn't respect your decision then he's not worth your time.

**Difference** · 03-10-14, 01:11 PM

Thanks guys

**michelle23** · 03-10-14, 05:24 PM

I am in a similar situation. My bf has wanted a baby for over a year. Me being so practical, logical and a natural worrier by nature thinks "I dont have a career, were not married yet, don't have our own house and we are not stable financially.. but at the same time crave a baby, a family and have so much love ti give. I know I would make a wonderful mom and would do whatever it takes to give my child a stable, loving home..

Soo kinda caught between a rock and a hard place..

If your not ready, its cool. Just tell him you would rather wait until your both more financially secure and stable. He will understand that you want to give your baby the very best.

Me and bf have been trying for awhile but my heart is only half in it as I still have things I need to do first. Right know I am kinda leaving it up to faith. I love him, I want a baby but my career is also important so I am focusing on that ans working my way up fast in my current job..if it happens, it happens and we will deal with it then. I know he is my future and he will be here if/when it happens to support me and provide for our family..

Do you know that without any doubt? If no, then don't do this. You are still young, there is loads of time and if you want a career first, that is fine-you just need to be honest

**pseudosooz** · 03-10-14, 09:11 PM

Normally I wouldn't recommend this tactic, (some people say it undermines the validity of the feedback) but in this case I think you might apply a 'negative sandwich' approach, whereby you sandwich your negative statement between two positive observations.
For example: 'I know we're lucky because we found love so early in life and some people never do! Of course for me this means, that I may not be emotionally ready for the things that a 6 year relationship might normally be, like babies. But I know that when the time comes that we are both ready for that, you are going to be a great father, because you are a great man and I am very happy with this life we've got right now'

The good ole negative sandwich!

P.S. I saw ABSOLUTELY no indication that you are a stupid 21 year old and I really resent that anyone would say that to you in a place that you came to for honest input. You sound perfectly rational to me.

Good Luck!

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