I will never understand this

[GoodbyeLove]

This story starts in May 2010, when I went to Russia with my German journalism school class and fell in love like I never did before in my life, in just one fairytale week. I was 23, she was just about to turn 18, and without exchanging too many words, we both knew, it's so crazy. I will leave out all the romantic things and coincindences, since it would be too long, especially as the main purpose of this story are some questions I have regarding the end of all this. Anyway, at the end of that week, without having even kissed each other, we talked about that it's not possible, the distance, her age, and in a way we ended it before it had even started. However, I wrote to her just a day after coming back to Germany that I don't want this to end like this and she answered in the sweetest way possible, and we agreed to meet, either at the reverse exchange in November 2010, or, if she would not get a place, in another way. She got a place, and during that week we kissed each other, and became a couple, exactly six months after the day we first saw each other in Russia. We were together from that November 2010 til May 2011, but it turned out to be difficult to communicate (it wasn't possible for her to go online regularly), and also difficult to meet (money, uni, etc.). I went to see her in Kiev for four days in May 2011, but we agreed that it is not possible to be together by just writing each other messages from time to time, and she "didn't have the strength to be with somebody", as she wrote in her farewell letter. "Sometimes I think everything would be different if we had met a few years later. (...) Sometimes I think noone will be as kind to me as you are." It broke my heart, but we found a way to stay in contact, we sent each other books, tapes and letters since then, only three or four times a year though, but with such sweetness and innocence I never thought possible. Of course, all of that time, I was in love with her, and I knew she was too, though that's easily said, I know.

This July 2014 however, after another sweet exchange following my book present for her birthday, things went a little different. I asked her about her plans regarding studying abroad, since she always wanted to study somewhere abroad (our big hope I thought!) and she said that she didn't even try to apply somewhere, even though that were her plans a year before (and I was sure she said that back then because she also hoped). So I was quite sad and told her that. And she answered:

"But I understand that I can't stay here for a long time because of many things. So I don't give up with the idea to study somewhere else or find an intership abroad but I'll do it later. Hope it will be possible. The situation in Russia is very unstable."

I was relieved, but also felt that I needed to force things now, a few years after, so I answered with this quote and an explanation:

"The very least you can do in your life is figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance, but live right in it, under its roof."

This is a place I'm living in, and it has become a home to me. When you wrote your last message before this one, I think a part of the roof came down and hit me on the head. But now I feel I can stand up again and stick the part back to its place."

I will never expect anything from you which I wouldn't expect from myself, maybe that's why I was sad that you didn't even try to apply. But I shouldn't be, because every time I think about me going to Moscow, it only lasts for a very short time, because I have no idea how to even try and start to make this possible.

And she answered:

"I didn't want to make you sad. Sometimes I feel like I sink in this uncertainty. But I think I'll find a right place as you have. And I'm sure in one thing. It doesn' t really matter where I will live and what job I will have, I just want to have a true family.

Thank you for your care. Everyhing you write is very important to me. If someday you decide to go to Moscow, I'll be very happy to see you. Maybe I'll have an opportunity to come to London as I planned the last year.
When will you return to London?"

And from this day in mid July 2014 (I was in Germany for holidays, but about to return to London), we started planning my holiday in Russia in August. I was so happy, it was like a dream, I saw some poems she posted on her site, and it seemed she thought similar.

"I've asked you about London because I'll be in Germany for about four days in the end of July. Yes we should discuss everything!!! Write to me as soon as you'll have any information about your holidays. And I'll also have one free week in september or october so may be it'll be possible for me to visit London."

I said that I would visit her in Moscow first, and booked everything after discussing suitable dates. And she said:

"It will be grate I'll meet you at the airport."

Oh I was so happy. She was about to go to Germany for a few days when I was already back in London, and it was strange that she couldn't tell me who she would be going with, but it didn't bother me much and I was looking forward to our trip, planning to ask her about Germany when being in Moscow with her, for the first time in three years!

But then she returned from Germany, and two days afterwards she shared a Youtube-Video, on her Russian Facebook equivalent page, with 700 pictures of her with another guy. I couldn't believe it! They weren't kissing, but it looked very intimate. And I found out that she went there not for four days, but ten! I was already on the brink of madness, but decided to ask her myself before confronting her with anger etc.

"How are you? And how was your trip? Why did you not have the strength to tell me before your trip who you would be going with? Do you still want me to come to Moscow?"

And the answer I got was:

"Hey! I'm okay, thank you and the trip was nice. What about Moscow it should be your decision. As for me I want you to come as a friend. I agreed with my chief about free time during your stay in Moscow and waiting for you."

What would your next step have been here? I went completely nuts. And I think I destroyed everything now. She is indeed in a relationship with this guy, for how long I don't know. It just doesn't fit into my head, as I know that what she wrote before was honest, because there were so many exclamation marks she never uses, because it looked all so genuine, because of all the fitting poems. The only possibility that makes some sense is that she didn't want to hurt me. But that makes no sense, because she wouldn't have let me come to Moscow and wouldn't have suggested to visit me in London then, right? Am I missing something here or is this the worst possible behaviour from her side, playing with my hopes like this. She must have known what I felt, after that hope quote (and so many other things I wrote to her not mentioned here). Or did I see something in her messages that isn't really there? It's the worst behaviour I have ever experienced in my life I think

[kb753951]

the future and quality of a relationship should never be judged by the number of exclamation points in a message.

i can't parse her messages, and i think it would be wise for you to cease doing so as well. the facts are that she is in a relationship, and she's specifically labeled you a "friend." it's time to decide what you need to do for you in order to heal your heart and move on. you don't owe her the visit or a friendship. take care of yourself.

[GoodbyeLove]

the future and quality of a relationship should never be judged by the number of exclamation points in a message.

i can't parse her messages, and i think it would be wise for you to cease doing so as well. the facts are that she is in a relationship, and she's specifically labeled you a "friend." it's time to decide what you need to do for you in order to heal your heart and move on. you don't owe her the visit or a friendship. take care of yourself.

Haha, I agree, it's just that she never used them and it's just impossible to believe that she deliberately lied to me before her trip with this guy. But you are right with all the other stuff, thanks. I know this myself and am in the process of just doing that, I just need this clear analysis from someone other than me I think.

[michelle23]

I don't think your "in love" with her. You love the idea of her and your infatuated (look it up). You have only met in real life a handful of times. You have never spent an extended period of time together so you only see what she wants you to see-all the good things. You have no idea if you would be good together in a real life relationship seeing each other regularly. You could realize you have nothing in common or that she has crazy mood swings every second day or that she hates sex or that you disagree on everything and fight all the time..

You have no way of knowing what shes like in real life coz this is all based on online fantasy.

You have wasted so much time on an unrealistic daydream. She realizes that and is blowing you off-probably because she has met someone in real life who can give her everything you cant. Affection, intimacy, quality time, dates etc..

A lot of people waste so much time on long distance and when they finally live together, they realize they are strangers and have to get to know each other all over again which makes the chances of it working out like 1%.. its like dating your best friend who as friends you get on soo well but as a couple you get to know a different side to the person and your like wtf happened? I dont know this person at all..

Anyway I think you should stop wasting time, get over her and move on. You cant be in love with someone unless you have spent like a full few months with them everyday without wanting to kill them..

[GoodbyeLove]

I don't think your "in love" with her. You love the idea of her and your infatuated (look it up). You have only met in real life a handful of times. You have never spent an extended period of time together so you only see what she wants you to see-all the good things. You have no idea if you would be good together in a real life relationship seeing each other regularly. You could realize you have nothing in common or that she has crazy mood swings every second day or that she hates sex or that you disagree on everything and fight all the time..

You have no way of knowing what shes like in real life coz this is all based on online fantasy.

You have wasted so much time on an unrealistic daydream. She realizes that and is blowing you off-probably because she has met someone in real life who can give her everything you cant. Affection, intimacy, quality time, dates etc..

A lot of people waste so much time on long distance and when they finally live together, they realize they are strangers and have to get to know each other all over again which makes the chances of it working out like 1%.. its like dating your best friend who as friends you get on soo well but as a couple you get to know a different side to the person and your like wtf happened? I dont know this person at all..

Anyway I think you should stop wasting time, get over her and move on. You cant be in love with someone unless you have spent like a full few months with them everyday without wanting to kill them..

Thank you for your honest words, I really appreciate it. Though I don't agree on everything, there is a certain truth to a lot of what you write, and though I have told myself many of the things you mentioned, it helps to see them written down by someone else outside my own friendzone. It is indeed impossible to know if we would have been good together in real life, since the longest amount we spent together was a week. But what I know is that we have shared interests and so many things in common, I guess it's one of the "reasons" I couldn't ever distance myself from her until now, though now that I know she has someone I think I can, I have to. It's just the way she did it, fuelling my hopes again before destroying them completely just two weeks later that makes it quite difficult.

[michelle23]

You your right. It IS possible you could have been an amazing couple if you had the time to date her properly in real life and do all the normal things couples do but its not going to happen coz realistically neither of you should give up your studies, career, family, friends, lifestyle to move across the country to be with someone you hardly know. These situations don't work because one person has to give up everything they have which is unfair and will lead to resentment and unhappiness.

So from the start the odds are against you as a couple. And if you ever married or had kids, its good for children to interact with close family but one of yours will be in another country which leads to more problems when you have no support which you need when raising a family.

Theres just too many hurdles to overcome. Life is hard enough for normal couples trying to survive working, paying bills, stress, boredom of routine whilst trying to keep the spark and love there. Add long distance to that and its 100 times harder, requires 100 times more committment and struggle

Its just not worth it. It all sems great when your infatuated and have butterflies-feel like your walking on a cloud but when reality kicks in its too hard for most people

[GoodbyeLove]

You your right. It IS possible you could have been an amazing couple if you had the time to date her properly in real life and do all the normal things couples do but its not going to happen coz realistically neither of you should give up your studies, career, family, friends, lifestyle to move across the country to be with someone you hardly know. These situations don't work because one person has to give up everything they have which is unfair and will lead to resentment and unhappiness.

So from the start the odds are against you as a couple. And if you ever married or had kids, its good for children to interact with close family but one of yours will be in another country which leads to more problems when you have no support which you need when raising a family.

Theres just too many hurdles to overcome. Life is hard enough for normal couples trying to survive working, paying bills, stress, boredom of routine whilst trying to keep the spark and love there. Add long distance to that and its 100 times harder, requires 100 times more committment and struggle

Its just not worth it. It all sems great when your infatuated and have butterflies-feel like your walking on a cloud but when reality kicks in its too hard for most people

Very good! This is basically what I told myself so many times, and it didn't help until the point where she found someone else. I was seriously considering to go there for some time, living in an oppressive country I would never consider living under normal circumstances, a country I wouldn't have found any real purpose except for trying to be with her. And that is not enough. And also too much pressure for her. The other way round was my hope, and I thought this to be egoistic as I was just "waiting" for her. But it was the only real way, and now this way is dead too. What makes me mad though is that she couldn't just tell me that she found someone else, needed to do it via a Social media wall post, of course I would have accepted it with her being sincere and then there would also have been a chance of trying again when she finished studying etc. I wouldn't have destroyed everything by my crazy insults. But maybe it's best like that, I'll have to leave this dreamworld now, and by acting like she did it's easier for me since I would never even want to be friends with someone acting this cowardly/manipulative/whatever the real intentions were.

[pseudosooz]

I am an American about to celebrate my two year wedding anniversary to my Australian husband, who was my online pen pal for 6 years after a very brief original encounter. We went over six years without seeing one another and then he just took a shot in the dark, tempting fate, or what-have-you and decided to chase me. I picked him up at the airport, we were engaged within a week and married two weeks after that. His Father flew to the USA to be his Best Man.
It is hard negotiating the rapids that ensue from the collision of river of Online Friendship & river Physical Relationship, but IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE, nor would I caution against it. It is different, or I'd rather say, unique.
I have given up my home country but I don't feel resentment, I feel love.
He and I started out with a romantic interest, but honestly it took many turns from that and ultimately I ended up supporting him through his relationships and heartbreaks, as did he support me through mine. I had lost the idea of us finding a romantic place, but I unbeknownst to myself had made him the standard that I held all men to: they had to be as insightful as him, as supportive as him, as alive, or I wasn't interested. So I grew up dating many men but I had set the bar so high that I would have been destined to be a crazy cat lady if he hadn't decided to fetch me.
Ironically he felt the urge to come and collect me when I was 30 years old and quite happy and relaxed with my life as a single woman, no longer searching for a man to fulfill me, & just as ironically our relationship has brought me back into the fold of the living, not the simply content, but the vital.
I feel like you expect too much of one so young, and that you will miss her once you've chased her away. You have an opportunity to be something to her that another man never could.. A living diary, a friend, and possibly one day a lover.
But that takes an acceptance of her in the here and now, and an openness to understanding that she will be different in the future, just as she is different now, from when you knew her then. You are also changing.
If you want to salvage this, you must be okay with supporting her relationships & choices. And you must move on and date other women all while keeping the story alive.
But if you don't want to I understand that too, as Michele23 points out 'it's too hard for most people'. Extraordinary things aren't always the easiest.

[GoodbyeLove]

I am an American about to celebrate my two year wedding anniversary to my Australian husband, who was my online pen pal for 6 years after a very brief original encounter. We went over six years without seeing one another and then he just took a shot in the dark, tempting fate, or what-have-you and decided to chase me. I picked him up at the airport, we were engaged within a week and married two weeks after that. His Father flew to the USA to be his Best Man.
It is hard negotiating the rapids that ensue from the collision of river of Online Friendship & river Physical Relationship, but IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE, nor would I caution against it. It is different, or I'd rather say, unique.
I have given up my home country but I don't feel resentment, I feel love.
He and I started out with a romantic interest, but honestly it took many turns from that and ultimately I ended up supporting him through his relationships and heartbreaks, as did he support me through mine. I had lost the idea of us finding a romantic place, but I unbeknownst to myself had made him the standard that I held all men to: they had to be as insightful as him, as supportive as him, as alive, or I wasn't interested. So I grew up dating many men but I had set the bar so high that I would have been destined to be a crazy cat lady if he hadn't decided to fetch me.
Ironically he felt the urge to come and collect me when I was 30 years old and quite happy and relaxed with my life as a single woman, no longer searching for a man to fulfill me, & just as ironically our relationship has brought me back into the fold of the living, not the simply content, but the vital.
I feel like you expect too much of one so young, and that you will miss her once you've chased her away. You have an opportunity to be something to her that another man never could.. A living diary, a friend, and possibly one day a lover.
But that takes an acceptance of her in the here and now, and an openness to understanding that she will be different in the future, just as she is different now, from when you knew her then. You are also changing.
If you want to salvage this, you must be okay with supporting her relationships & choices. And you must move on and date other women all while keeping the story alive.
But if you don't want to I understand that too, as Michele23 points out 'it's too hard for most people'. Extraordinary things aren't always the easiest.

That is a great story, congratulations to both of you

What you write about the expectations is very true, and I think I indeed expected too much of her. And I already miss her of course (in a different way no though), especially because I know that the things I said to her afterwards are too bad for any way back into this. But that was the main reason for doing it, because I knew that else I would have found a way back to hoping again, and I can't let this determine my whole life, because as you said it, I have to date other woman once I got over this, and as long as I'm contact with her that wouldn't be possible, even if it were just as friends. The thing that breaks my heart though is that I think I would have been willing to be that guy you describe, though I never thought about it in the way you described it (it sounds beautiful). I would have been willing to be a friend for her, but because she fuelled my hopes in this manipulative way, lied to me about that trip with the guy I had no idea about, posted photos to everyone she knows on her social media page, but didn't tell me, I won't be able to be this guy for her. I can't be friends with someone that plays with me like this, and then wants me to come to Moscow in the preferred package, telling me only after I booked everything. There is the small possibility that this was all out of fear/not knowing how to tell me, but I really tried to get answers, and there came the point where I had to give up, because I was on the brink of asking for medical help to bring peace to my soul. She is young, but 22 now, and I would have expected from her, having our history in mind, to tell me about this when we planned my trip to Moscow, with her even suggesting to come to London. This is disrespectful even towards her current boyfriend I think.

[pseudosooz]

I understand how you feel, and you are justified.
But when you're 32 you'll look back at 22 and realize how nearly everything was a mistake, and undoubtedly she's learned something from this, as have you, it's unlikely she would ever go about something the way she did before, considering the outcome. Her actions are not descriptive of who she IS now, but rather who she was at the time, and now I'm sure she's different, as she lost a good friend, and that is a big consequence. And whatever you do at 22 is not an indicator of who you'll be at 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30 etc.. People are constantly morphing, and we hurt people along the way. Life has a steep learning curve. So sometimes, it's worth, excepting each other's mistakes, and sometimes it's not. That's your choice, and there is no 'wrong' choice. Whatever you decide is right for you.

[GoodbyeLove]

I totally agree, and if being more honest/open is the lesson she can take from that, that would make me happy. My lesson would be to be less rude in moments I get hurt like this, though I guess learning from this is more long-term anyway. We'll both learn from this, and of course she'll be another person in a few years. But the interesting questions is if I can just separate her from what she did to "us" earlier in life. Judging by what I wrote to her I can't, but then again I'm just imagning a me in a few years time, which is impossible. I feel a bit strange reading my last message to her again, as I know that someday I might regret what I wrote. But it's exactly what I think now, even a month after I wrote it, even though it sounds quite rude. The only thing I know I regret is that I wrote this with anger inside me, and took this decision without reflecting about it in the way I do now. I still like it though, haha, let's see for how long.

"I don't want to hear from you ever again. Not next year when you feel guilty, not in five years when **** is not with you any more, or in 25 when you think back to that first love. I have seen so many films where people realize what they've done much later, and I really don't want to have such a scence ever, it will make me mad, because we only have this one life, and time is a very precious thing."

[michelle23]

I understand why you are hurt at how easily she replaced you but again this is long distance. Its not real. Its very common once the honeymoon period/infatuation ends for one person to realize they need more.. it could have been you who fell for someone else closer to home and ditched her-someone who can give you affection, intimacy, sex, date nights etc regularly.. you cannot say that closeness would not be better for you, can you??

Instead of holding resentment, wish her luck and move on to something more real and better for you emotionally. Obviously wait till your ready and emotionally available again but you deserve better than a half assed relationship

Best of luck to you. One day you will be sooo properly in love, you will realize this was nothing and you will be fine

[pseudosooz]

ah lessons! There all good in the long run