Advice/opinions about online international romance?

[littlebitlost]

Brand new member here, just signed up now to ask about my situation.

So, hi!

BTW I'm a 28yo Aussie guy.

Anyway...
This may be a long & slightly scattered (like my head!) post.
Please bear with me...


Recently I was on a random forum (nothing to do with dating), came across an interesting topic & started talking to the OP.
We discovered we're the same age, our personalities & sense of humour, etc are very similar & we were getting along great so after talking on the public forum for a while I sent her a PM.
We chatted there for a bit then swapped details & started texting via Skype.

Conversations had started getting a little "flirty" during PMs & when I saw her on Skype I find out this girl is freaking gorgeous!
We've been chatting A LOT, almost every day for about a month, shared some VERY intimate details (not just sexual stuff) & seem to be REALLY compatible with each other.

The problem is, I live in Australia, she lives in the US.
However one of her first replies to me on the public forum was about the fact that she plans to visit Australia one day.
Part of how we got talking...

Anyway, the more we talk, the more it seems we have in common & I'm actually starting to think this girl could just be perfect for me
We've spoken about dreams, future goals, what we look for in a long-term partner & everything just...fits.
I've been dating a bit but haven't found anyone I really click with on an emotional level like this ever before.

I mentioned this to her (we're both pretty honest & forward people) & she shares the feelings that we could be great together.
(Obviously with this sort of thing you don't know until you try but she has mentioned that if I was local we would have given things a shot by now)

She also seems to be hinting at the fact that she'd possibly like to live in Australia some day but I know she has another year on her lease where she's currently living.

Anyway, I'm just after opinions on what other people would do from here on in?

I'm really interested in this girl & would love to see where things could lead if we were to meet but it's obviously not going to be easy, if indeed it does happen.
She won't be coming over here for at least a year, possibly longer. That's a long time...
I'm in a position, financially & otherwise, where I could jump on a plane & go meet her at almost any time but that's obviously a MASSIVE thing to do. MASSIVE!
There's also no point in meeting if we wouldn't end up living in the same country at some stage in the near future (I'm not currently willing to move)

I've said I'd love to meet her & she likes the idea but I'm not sure if she realises just how serious I am.
We're both blatantly honest (bordering on offensively honest) so I have no doubt she would tell me to go jump if she wasn't at all interested.
The flirting obviously started out as some cheeky fun, stopped for a while when we started talking about the fact we're actually interested in each other & has now started again.
She really doesn't seem like the type that would purposely lead anyone on but how can I tell for sure?
So...
Do I flat out ask her if she would consider moving to Australia if we met & everything went well?
Do I offer to visit her for a meeting to see what happens & take it from there?
Do I just label this as too hard & try to forget about her?

I've got a lot more going on in my head about this, among other things, & there's possibly some important stuff I've missed so ask any questions you want.
Also, don't be scared of offending me, I've got thick skin!
I'm a bit of a romantic but also a realist so I know this is a very long shot but I can't help wondering "what if?"
I read something the other day which struck a chord - "I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done"
(I'm getting very philosophical at the moment. Everything seems to be "a sign")



BTW, I'm sure I'm coming across as some desperado who is somewhat delusional...
I'm all too aware that there are a lot of scams re: international "romance", etc.
I am 100% confident that this is not the case & more than happy to eat my words if I'm wrong. That is honestly the least of my concerns.
This girl has NO idea of my financial situation & had NO way of knowing what I wanted to hear when asking questions.
My "type" is a little different to most too so it's also not like these were answers that every guy wants to hear...
She's also super keen to talk on the phone (we haven't yet as I've been sick the last week or so) so I'm sure she's not some fat guy named Frank
(no offence to anybody here with weight issues &/or the name Frank...)

Any advice &/or opinions on this would be very much appreciated!

[Saya]

I think that you should try to meet her and spend more time together and get to know each other.
It doesn't have to be in US since US is a bit far, so maybe meet up halfway like somewhere in Asia and spend time together?

Also, why can't you move to US?

[littlebitlost]

I think that you should try to meet her and spend more time together and get to know each other.
It doesn't have to be in US since US is a bit far, so maybe meet up halfway like somewhere in Asia and spend time together?

Also, why can't you move to US?

Thanks for the reply Saya.

How do you suggest i find out her true feelings first, to make sure that this isn't some flirty fun between us?
I'm confident it isn't but attraction can make you blind.

& how can I bring up about us meeting?
I have mentioned things a few times but have the feeling she has taken it as flirting/fun or she wasn't sure if I was serious so she treated it that way, possibly to avoid looking silly.

Do I just flat out say I want to meet & see where this can lead?
She is VERY hard to offend &/or bother in general but part of me is still concerned she may think I'm being pushy or coming across as desperate...

Meeting halfway would be difficult.
I know she's not exactly flush with cash, is working 2 part-time jobs for min wage.
I wouldn't ask her to possibly lose her job to meet me...

On the other hand I'm in a position where I can take time off without reprimand. I'm also financially secure.

My idea was to book accommodation in her town & buy a one-way ticket do if things go south I can go elsewhere in the US. She is currently in a small country town although she's from the city originally.

As for moving, I do know how selfish that sounds & I could move but I am happy here.
I have a well paid job, a lot of possessions, etc.
She seems to constantly move around, is unhappy with her work & seems to love Australia.
She definitely wants to visit & has joked (?) about moving here a few times.
It just seems to make more sense.

Realistically at the end of the day if we met & I fell in love I'd likely do anything for her, including moving.
Just how I am...

Thanks again

[Saya]

How old is she?

Well if you really want to meet her in person then you just have to tell her and see what she would say?

Long distance relationship is hard, but it can work.
But don't start a relationship until you two have met in person.
Also if there is no future plan on either one of you are going to live in the same country then most likely, the relationship might not work out in the long term and also I don't see the point on having a relationship with someone.

If she can't meet you half way then, you have to go and see her.

Remember that moving to a different country isn't that easy also... you need to have a proper visa to live in a different country. You can't just decide to move to a different country and find a work and live there... you have to find a proper visa that will allow you to stay in the country and also work as well.

[littlebitlost]

We're both 27, both turning 28 in the next 3 months.

You're right...
I think I'm just going to have wear my heart on my sleeve, tell her how I feel & make sure she knows I'm dead serous.
Either she feels the sane or she doesn't...

Not fussed if I don't meet her for a while (but the sooner the better to me), just want to make sure it is going to happen.

& you're correct, if we won't eventually end up living closer to each other nothing will happen. A permanent LDR seems like a recipe for heartbreak...

Cheers

[Saya]

You just need to take a little risk

I hope things goes well for you and this girl!

Good luck!

[Wakeup]

You can't tell her how you feel because you don't know how you feel. You're basing any tinglies on words based without actions. You may not even like her so keep your confession to the fact that you're intrigued with her and would like to meet her in person. Don't confess romantic feelings because any that you may have are false at the moment and will be until you've met, spent some time together and actually gotten to know her, smell her, see both her physical and personality flaws.

Stop basing feelings on fantasy, do the emotionally mature thing and extinguish any online feelings and go and meet her without expectation. If she won't meet you then stop this thing from being ongoing. Its just stagnating the two of you from finding a life partner where you both live.

I think that things that form like this are because you have fear of commitment. The situation is certainly almost impossible to maintain or become truly committed so subconsciously it seems safe for you so you allow yourself to become vulnerable (to a fantasy at that).

You only know what she's told you about herself. You know nothing about the REAL her. Prepare, if she allows you to meet her, to start from square one.

I hope if she does meet you that she's smart enough to realize that if it becomes sexual that it likely won't be anything more then that while you both waste your time pining for one another over the written word, some Skype sex while you're apart and becoming addicted to that superficiality.

[littlebitlost]

Wakeup,
Thanks for your honesty.

You're correct, I don't know how I feel & I know even less about how she feels.

Not sure if you actually read the first post properly (wouldn't blame you if you didn't, it's very long...) but at no point did I mention I'm in love with this girl.
I am interested in her, for sure, & interested in what could be. However no intentions to confess my undying love anytime soon...

Not too sure what some of your reply is referring to as my posts already mention a lot of what you have suggested?
Just a few choice quotes from my posts that you may have missed:

"We've been chatting A LOT & seem to be REALLY compatible with each other"
"She shares the feelings that we could be great together"
"Obviously with this sort of thing you don't know until you try"
"I'm really interested in this girl & would love to see where things could lead"

Once again, there was never any intention of forming any sort of attachment to this girl at first.
I responded to a comment, much like one would here, she asked me some questions about Australia, the conversation (texting, whatever) just flowed & we ended up having a lot in common & seemingly both being the type that the other would generally be attracted to in "real life"

You are also correct that I don't know her. However she is VERY open, will share info & answer ANY question, no matter how personal.
But if I was to meet her I would expect it to be as friends, starting with a clean slate & seeing where things progress in person.

As for your last point, I have no intention of ever meeting her unless I know this could end up as more than a long-distance thing.
I'm not interested in that long-term & I was never even interested in that for the short-term.
The only reason I would even consider pursuing things is that I know she plans to visit Australia & has hinted that she could happily live here.

I'll be 100% honest with you here. I think that if anyone gets hurt out of this it's going to be me...
I'm not a player by any means & have little interest in meeting her purely for sex.

Actually, part of the reason I'm so "excited" about this girl is that we clicked mentally before we even knew what the other looked like.
Then it just so happened we found each other attractive.

Most (maybe all) of my previous relationships have started as a physical attraction which we then tried to turn into something more. It's rarely worked for me...
I would like to try something that starts from the opposite direction as my friendship with this girl has...

- - - Updated - - -

I also meant to point out that I wouldn't expect her to pass up something real where she lives for a "chance" at a longshot & honestly I very much doubt she would.

I know she dates quite a bit (not sure about since we've been talking as she seems to be always available) & I also know she has a pretty healthy sex life which I don't believe she is going to give up for empty suggestions from some guy on the Internet...

At this point she really has no proof, & maybe even no idea, of my intentions & my sincerity...

However she had also told me that she isn't easily attached to many guys as her ideal type is somewhat hard to find.

[Wakeup]

But how you're addressing me is quite different then how you addressed with this: (which I based my response on)

I think I'm just going to have wear my heart on my sleeve, tell her how I feel & make sure she knows I'm dead serous.
Either she feels the same or she doesn't...

Feels the same how? Feels what?
Only feels she wants to meet you? Feels like, love, emotional towards you? Even if she does feel any of those things, that doesn't mean you're going to have the real life exposure to one another to form a relationship. Are you going to fly there once a month to see her? You have said she doesn't have that kind of money to be able to do such a thing.

Why are you so keen to start something with someone that either of you will not be able to actually nurture? Don't bother answering. I don't need to know that but you might ask yourself that question.

Carry on. I'm sorry I didn't understand your terminology re; telling her "how you feel" and that I didn't give you a post that you wanted to hear.

To me, the whole thing is folly when there are tons of women where you live who likely have just as much in common to you as this girl that is thousands of miles away does.

You're becoming addicted to your chats and the fantasy.

Here's my opinion on your entire situation: Long distance romances are one thing when you've already formed a relationship and circumstances take you away and the "away" has a shelf life. Those are completely doable IMO. However; to try and form one when you've never even met and maintain it is emotional suicide and will set you up to being addicted to chat, Skype, messenger and other totally superficial means of contact.

I'm a realist and sorry I'm not giving you a romantic acquiesce type of opinion/advice.

Be well

[littlebitlost]

OK, I can see the reason for confusion. My bad.
By "how I feel" I simply meant that I'm interested & feel this COULD potentially be worth pursuing.

Mate I'm not asking for anyone to tell me what i want to hear. I don't even know what I want to hear!
I also respect honesty in all matters, no matter if it is what myself or anyone else wants to hear, if it is "nice" or whatever.
I did actually thank you for not sugar-coating things...

A lot of what you've said makes a lot of sense.
& if it isn't clear this isn't something I have decided if i even want to attempt yet, not even taking into account what she might want...
Simply thoughts (& yes, fantasies) at this stage.
If I knew she had no plans of ever visiting or I knew she was COMPLETELY against the idea of moving to Australia things would be a lot easier.

Hence the "do I label this as too hard....?"
It's obviously a very complicated matter &, if I'm honest with myself, likely to end badly.
But I'm a risk-taker in most aspects of life so...

I'm also sure I can continue friendly chats with this girl, just as things originally were.
Whether that's a good idea is a different matter!

As for finding a girl locally, of course that is possible & obviously a whole lot easier.
I'm actually not normally one for online romance whatsoever but I think part of the attraction to this girl is that we met & clicked so well mentally without even knowing what the other looked like.
Then it just so happened we found each other attractive.

[TablesandChairs]

If you can afford a holiday, then why not? Gives you the chance to meet up with someone you're interested in, get a feel as to whether you click in real life and well, you get to see the US.

Sometimes, though - people online are full of BS. Once things get serious, they get flaky. It happened to a friend of mine; as soon as he was getting ready to book the ticket, she had a change of heart...anyway turned out she had a boyfriend. I'm not saying this is the case but something to consider, even if just lightly...so you don't end up flabbergasted if it's the case.

Anyway, it's worth a shot; the worst that can happen is...you find out she's a liar or that you don't have the same chemistry offline...but at least you won't have any 'what if's'.