lying boyfriend

[roseanne__]

My boyfriend of 2 years keeps lying to me. He knows what he does hurts me but says he wasn't thinking when he did it. He doesn't seem to care about my feelings and does things that he wants to do using the expression "I'm a man, I can do what I want". Im not trying to be controlling but I treat people how I want to be treated. There's so much I do for him (and don't do) and if it was the other way round and I did the things he was doing he even said "I wouldn't be with you"! I'm sick of crying and feeling paranoid and should have ended it a year a go when it first started but I suffer with depression and ptsd since my dad died 2 years ago and I don't want to be on my own. That's not the reason I'm with him but i have become attached and only want his attention. I never want to go out with my friends but he wants to go out with his. Its always when his with his friends that he lies or does something but I will never make him choose between us. Deep down I know he will lie again and I don't know what to do.

[Wakeup]

I never want to go out with my friends but he wants to go out with his.

That's your problem, its not his.

Get help for your depression and PTSD (have you actually been diagnosed or are you diagnosing yourself?) and get a social life outside of him and you'll be much more happier. In fact, if you get the help you need for your fear of being alone and your codependency then you'll likely not even "like" this guy never mind think you "love" him.

Work on you first and the rest of what you should be doing to be happy in all aspects of your life will follow.

[chris81]

Amy relationship first and foremost needs trust and it sounds like he's shattered your trust already. Like wakeup said get help with your depression and be around people who you can trust and make you happy. Staying with this guy will inevitably make you feel worse in the long term and you may even grow to resent him cos like you said your only wanting his attention. You can do better than that.

[roseanne__]

I know my social life is my problem but my old friends who I used to speak to are his friends, that's how we met but now he doesn't want me being with them all the time when his there (of course he needs his own time) but doesn't like it if I meet them on my own. My other friends, well they're not really good friends. I still stay in contact but just not as much as I never have money to keep up with their lifestyle.

My problem is not with him going out its with him lying to me every time his with his friends which obviously makes me paranoid and not comfortable with the situation. If he didn't lie to me and was honest then it wouldn't matter.

Yes I have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress and I do know that I need to deal with that before I'm ever going to be truly happy but it takes time and it's not that easy.

- - - Updated - - -

But I love him and do want to make it work. I keep giving him chance after chance and now I don't know if he's just stupid or doesn't care. He comes up with excuses all the time. Other then that he is a good boyfriend. He supports me, and I do believe he loves me and I don't think he would ever cheat but I want to find away to confront him and make him realise but every time I bring it up it never gets any where! I don't want to play games with him, and treat him the way his treating me or do things out of spite because we all know it can back fire and it's childish! I keep saying to myself maybe his not ready and still wants to be single but he's adamant that this is what he wants. It's like he wants a relationship but live a single life where only his opinions matter

[Wakeup]

If he didn't lie to me and was honest then it wouldn't matter.

I'm sorry but I'm finding it hard to believe that ^^^ statement and I'm almost certain your boyfriend is as well.

Forget HIS friends and your old ones. Join groups, a bowling league, a wine tasting class, a volleyball league, take a spin class, do things that will get you out there and make you more interesting. When he knows that you have a life, a life that may just give you the strength to leave him if he isn't being a good boyfriend, then he may just try to be a good boyfriend. Right now he knows no matter what shitty things he does, you're not going anywhere and he uses that (even if sub-consciously) to his advantage.

He lies because he doesn't want to hear your nagging or accusations or you just simply cramping his buzz.

Good luck with your treatment for PTS. I hope you get that remedied so that you have the motivation to improve YOUR personal life that doesn't include only him.

[roseanne__]

That's what I've started doing! Im not texting or calling him in the day so we have more to talk about at home. I give him space at home so we're not in each others laps all the time. I'm trying to get a better social life outside of our relationship which is helping but because of my job I'm tired all the time and don't have time to do things in the week after work.

But how can I sort the lying out that's the problem. I'm very approachable and he knows this but he chooses to lie instead. If he knows he is doing something that would hurt me why does he still do it? I understand the nagging part but not that?

[andytownsend]

Unless you are willing to forget all of his past mistakes you're better off without him. You will only repeat (and bug him) his mistakes over and over which is also unfair for him. Talk and decide if you want to move on and forget everything or just go on your separate ways. Goodluck!

[roseanne__]

Thank you. I know that's what I need to do but I'm confused myself and I need to figure out what I want before I drag anyone else into it. What his done is wrong and this is his 8th chance (yes I've actually counted) but some part of me must be able to deal with it for me to stick around this long. I love him and want to be with him but i don't deserve to be lied to every other month. Apart from this we do get on really well and his is a good boyfriend so part of me doesn't want to throw it away.

[Wakeup]

Thank you. I know that's what I need to do but I'm confused myself and I need to figure out what I want before I drag anyone else into it. What his done is wrong and this is his 8th chance (yes I've actually counted) but some part of me must be able to deal with it for me to stick around this long. I love him and want to be with him but i don't deserve to be lied to every other month. Apart from this we do get on really well and his is a good boyfriend so part of me doesn't want to throw it away.

Yeah, like I said previously:

Right now he knows no matter what shitty things he does, you're not going anywhere and he uses that (even if sub-consciously) to his advantage.

Read up on the importance of personal boundaries, Roseanne. By staying and him NEVER having to sit at the banquet of the consequences of his actions, you enable him to be who he is. He's not going to change through you nagging him about it or asking him nicely to.

Read the links below and get a better idea about what I'm talking about... Good luck.

[url=http://www.essentiallifeskills.net/personalboundaries.html]Healthy Personal Boundaries & How to Establish Them[/url]


[url=http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm]403 Forbidden[/url]

[url=http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/codependency.htm]Codependency: Loss of Self In Others[/url]

[andytownsend]

Have you thought that maybe you have just gone too comfortable that's why you don't want to end the relationship? Unless you're ready to be treated like that forever, I don't think you should stick around.