Are we friends or dating?

[Halozoot]

So, I've been chatting to a lovely girl for about 2 months now, we met through university and have only really started talking during the summer holiday. We speak every day via IM into the early morning and have called each other from time to time, no conversation topic is out of bounds. I have been to visit her at her home twice (She lives about 100 miles away from me) and both times we've gone shopping and made food together which has been very enjoyable.

My issue is that we haven't addressed the nature of our relationship. We haven't kissed or done anything in a romantic way, however I really want to be able to do those things with her. I guess my question is whether I should confront her on how she sees our relationship or carry on with things the way they are and hope that they naturally develop into something more solid.

If there's any more information you would like to know, just ask.

Thank you for any advice you can provide.

[Commandermadi]

Hello Halozoot,

I am new to the forums but not new to counselling so basically I will tell you the best I can.

Does she show any kind of affection towards you? Do you feel like you are so special to her heart? If so, I'd take a further step and tell her that I love her. If not, then she still needs more time and I guess your best deal at that situation is to wait as this is very important to develop a more stable and a healthier relationship in the future.

My best regards.

[TheEvilJester]

Are there any context clues from her that might lean you towards believing one or the other? Either way, I'm not sure I'd agree that simply waiting to see where things go would be my suggestion. It may be better just to talk with her about it. It could be a number of possibilities. She might only see you as a friend. She may simply not have thought of it, and could potentially be interested if you ask. Yet, at the same time, it could also be possible that she is hoping you will make the first move and ask her out.

So, it is kind of hard to say without being closer to the situation. I guess just try to pick up on clues from her and go from there. Though, it is also important to remember that there is always the possibility that she only sees you as a friend. If that is the case, there is also the possibility that knowing you like her as more than a friend could make her uncomfortable and possibly hinder the friendship. It may or it may not. Still, if you can't really imagine being just her friend, then that would be something you'd eventually need to deal with anyway.

Good luck. I hope either way you do figure it out and decide what you want to do, and I hope it works out well for you if/when you do.

[Wakeup]

Why don't you just lean in for a kiss when she's being in your personal space and see how she reacts. If she doesn't go for it with you/stops you then you are her friend in which case you should just stop hanging with her altogether because you're going to just screw up your own dating potential when you have feelings for someone while trying to be with someone else.

[lovebroken]

She is probably wondering the same things you are, and why no kiss yet, she could be waiting for you to assert yourself.

[omnifarious]

Assess if possibly losing her as a friend is worth it the risk. If you are going to make a move I'd advise against kissing in this situation. Hold/touch her and see how she reacts to that. If she reciprocates then it's a good sign and you can go on from there.

[Wakeup]

WTF is the point of him being in a simple friendship and being afraid to risk a friendship where he is in love with her. If she doesn't want him in the same way he wants her then he should sever all ties with her so he can heal from his non-reciprocated disappointment and be able to find a girl that actually wants him to be more then her male girlfriend.

Any new girl he gets with won't take kindly to him continuing being the friend to a girl he wants to screw.

[TheEvilJester]

I do agree with Wakeup. If this guys wants to be more than friends, and can only see being more than friends, then I would say he needs to go for it and see where it goes from there. If she is interested, great, if not, then I would agree he should sever all ties. Again, that is assuming he can't see being just friends.

Maybe I am being overly optimistic, but I don't think it is necessarily impossible to be just friends with somebody you may have hoped could have been more. It's really just a matter of whether or not you can successfully disconnect yourself from those feelings once it becomes clear that you will only be friends. That is the part that can be very hard. I don't personally think it is impossible, but it can be very hard.

[Wakeup]

Yes... IMO you are being overly optimistic and naïve... not only that. If you truly believe that you should remain in a friendship with someone you want more then that with, then you're codependent slip is showing hard.

- - - Updated - - -

Staying in a platonic friendship with someone who only sees you as a friend when you want more is just going to hinder you from finding someone who wants you in all ways, Op. Don't fall into the trap of having unreciprocated relationships... it will screw with your ability to have and form a REAL reciprocal romantic union.

[hoxtonchris]

i too was in a non responsive relationship,for 3 months! i felt a barrier between us and couldnt bring my self to hold or kiss her,i eventualt let it go.2 days later i met a woman on the internet,i had more contact with her in 10 seconds than the 3 months with the other one!when i met the new one she smiled came over took my arm ,i kissed her cheek,we were an item from that very moment.i was in a sham of a marriage for 30 years before all this,dont bother with a coldy get out now they are a bloody waste of time,,,and it never improves.

[omnifarious]

Obviously if he decides she will only be his friend then he should immediately focus on romance elsewhere. I wouldn't recommended anywone become friends with a girl with the hope that "someday" she'll come around. That's silly.

[milk&honey]

I have a feeling she really likes you....just a feeling. Give it a go and tell her how you feel.

[TheEvilJester]

I absolutely agree that you should never be friends with somebody just because you are hoping it will some day become more. You should never be hanging around somebody just hoping they become available/interested in you, and thereby holding yourself back from looking for somebody else who may be available/interested in you now.

Yet, at the same time, as long as you can understand and properly respect that, I don't think there is anything wrong with being friends with somebody even if you may have hoped, at one time, that it could be more. The problem is when you are just hanging out hoping the stars suddenly align and you get together, or in any other way, you are keeping yourself from other possible relationships.

I don't know if it is just me, but I have always been able to make that disconnect. I can be friends with a girl, and be JUST friends with her even if I thought we may have made a good couple. At the same time, that doesn't stop me from looking for a relationship elsewhere. If I can't see being just friends with a girl, then I move on.

So, as always my personal stance on the issue is that men and women can be just friends, it is just a matter of the right circumstances. It is never right to you or your friend if you are secretly just putting your own life on hold hoping that they happen to become available some day.