FWB gone wrong...HELP

[Wakeup]

Listen. you're still making excuses for what you did. You jumped him without him giving you any indication that he cared one iota past an orgasm from you so no matter how you justify this, you are the author of your own misfortune and this will indeed happen to you again because you think guys who don't even know you somehow owe you something. Newsflash: They don't and they will only value you when you show them that you value yourself.

.....but I didn't just walk in, strip down, fukc then leave.

If you're going to be in a casual sexual relationship again and start out ****ing at the first meet... then doing exactly that would be the right course of action for you since you can't compartmentalize acts of love from acts of lust so zero bonding rituals of any kind for you (even watching t.v. together seems to be a bonding ritual for you) You mistake your own infatuation and lust as love... How can you "love" someone who is not showing you ANY loving actions.

Sex is not love... it's sex.

....he never did me and kicked me out of his bed....I wasn't treated like a whore.

Hardly something to gauge that it was "more" then what it was. You're projecting your own feeeeeelings and making yourself believe that he felt the same. Most players are great guys... they hardly would make a woman feel anything but sexy and wanted... that's why naïve women who are just getting out of long term relationships or screwed up in the self esteem department make more out of the sex then it is... being attentive keeps them coming back. He has several that he can rotate when one (like yourself) is causing grief where he'll leave you alone until you text him to come an do you again... in the disguise of "I miss you" while hoping that you won't look like a slag by not coming right out and saying what you really mean.

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Adding: He will likely call you again ~ when he thinks you're so so missing him that you'll gladly, yet again, fall into his uncommitted arms and shag away... that too is what players do. They wait until they figure you're jones-ing for them/it and then they peek back through that door you have left open for him.

Coming back for more just means - he's coming back for more of the same, under the same conditions... You'd be foolish to just repeat the same thing while continuing to HOPE.

Maybe you'll have time to reflect enough to actually see him for what he is instead of putting him on the pedestal you have him on.

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Anyway... sorry this happened to you. If you learn anything from this its that if a guy is actually interested in having something past a sexual relationship, if his end goal is to meet someone to be with exclusively, then he will do more then just set things up to see you in a place where he knows sex is going to take place. He'll actually date you, take you out, do fun things with you (other then watch t.v. and hang).. he'll also stop ****ing you if he doesn't see a future with you because he'll break up with you so he can continue to search and date until he meets who is compatible enough to last a lifetime with.

That's the natural progression of things for men who are NOT love avoidants.

Good luck. Think twice before starting up with him again under the same conditions. You'll "shred" your own heart one romp at a time. You can't be a sexual casual partner when you clearly want to be more then just that.

[Beth0621]

Anyway... sorry this happened to you. If you learn anything from this its that if a guy is actually interested in having something past a sexual relationship, if his end goal is to meet someone to be with exclusively, then he will do more then just set things up to see you in a place where he knows sex is going to take place. He'll actually date you, take you out, do fun things with you (other then watch t.v. and hang).. he'll also stop ****ing you if he doesn't see a future with you because he'll break up with you so he can continue to search and date until he meets who is compatible enough to last a lifetime with.

That's the natural progression of things for men who are NOT love avoidants.

Good luck. Think twice before starting up with him again under the same conditions. You'll "shred" your own heart one romp at a time. You can't be a sexual casual partner when you clearly want to be more then just that.

Thank you. As the time passes, and I go not contact, I am hurting less and seeing how I am just as responsible as he is. He hurt me because I let him. His views on women and relationships is so jaded and he is holding so much anger from his past....I think he is incapable of loving any woman. He has found a way to get his needs taken care of physically by women who he knows he will never have to show one ounce of emotion to....and they don't really care. I am not that girl. I have a huge heart and so much to offer. I care too much and I fall too fast. I still stand by my initial assessment of him....there is something more to him. If and when he does open up to someone, she will be really lucky. As far as how he is now, I say I would get back with him, but I am not so sure.....I met someone the other day who has been too good to be true....we have not been physical at all, not even a kiss. He wants to show me that this guy was NOT what I deserve, NOT what I should expect. I am really skeptical though....one extreme to the other.....One wish I have is that someday, FWB guy and me can sit down, have a beer, watch some football and have an honest conversation about what went down. It ended with alot of really bad things said to eachother...alot of anger. I know I said things I didn't mean to purposely hurt him. Neither of us deserved how it ended. I don't hate, I don't judge, I don't hold grudges......For my own well being, I really want to clear the air.....is that crazy?

[dontaskme]

Oh for fukcs sake, let it go! This guy is egotistical and narcissistic. I would think you've figured that out by now. He does not think with his head, he thinks with his balls. No matter what you say is just gonna fly out of his ear.

Just let it be and stop the goddamn drama already.

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By talking to him, you'd be putting yourself in a compromising situation which you are incapable of getting out. What's wrong with you?

[Beth0621]

By talking to him, you'd be putting yourself in a compromising situation which you are incapable of getting out. What's wrong with you?

I am just trying to understand. I don't think he would be capable or mature enough to have an adult conversation like this...it is just wishful thinking. I know exactly what he is, but I have a huge character flaw.......I try to see past all the bad and find some good in everyone.....I know he has some somewhere....that's all, I'm done with the drama.

[dontaskme]

And you have another guy already and you're not even over this FWB guy yet! Oh mother of mercy... Get your head together. You're not in the right state of mind to be seeing anyone else just as yet.

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I am just trying to understand. I don't think he would be capable or mature enough to have an adult conversation like this...it is just wishful thinking. I know exactly what he is, but I have a huge character flaw.......I try to see past all the bad and find some good in everyone.....I know he has some somewhere....that's all, I'm done with the drama.

Get you fukcing head together will ya and take this for it's face value. Stop with this freakin' denial. It's nauseating.

[Beth0621]

And you have another guy already and you're not even over this FWB guy yet! Oh mother of mercy... Get your head together. You're not in the right state of mind to be seeing anyone else just as yet.

I don't "have another guy" already. I am NOT over the FWB guy. This new guy is an acquaintance who I am just talking to. He is a good guy who is trying to show me that not all guys are like that....he likes me, he's nice and NO I'm not in the right state of mind to be with anyone right now.

Get you fukcing head together will ya and take this for it's face value. Stop with this freakin' denial. It's nauseating

I see it for what it was....doesn't make it hurt any less or make it any easier to let go of my feelings....I'm sorry I'm not a cold hearted bitch.

[dickriculous]

And it is using. He has 3 or 4 women on the go. What do you call that?

Casual sex. Do you know the difference between casual sex and using?

[Beth0621]

Casual sex. Do you know the difference between casual sex and using?

I know that was meant for [MENTION=66459]michelle23[/MENTION], but I'll throw in here.....I don't think he is a "user" at all. He doesn't have to "use" woman for sex, he has several willing participants who don't care that is all he wants.....because they want nothing either....its an understanding. The guy who uses woman for sex is the guy who can't or doesn't get much of it so they will fukc anything they can get their hands on and walk away, may not even know their names. That's what I think. FWB guy has casual sex with women he knows. After talking to people who know him, he doesn't go out picking up women for sex, he doesn't have to. It's a casual agreement.

[dickriculous]

I am just trying to understand. I don't think he would be capable or mature enough to have an adult conversation like this...it is just wishful thinking. I know exactly what he is, but I have a huge character flaw.......I try to see past all the bad and find some good in everyone.....I know he has some somewhere....that's all, I'm done with the drama.

Having good somewhere doesn't mean he will throw away what he wants to give you what you want. Seeing good in people isn't a character flaw. But seeing good and determining based on that "well then he's obviously confused and deep down inside he wants to marry me"...that would be a huge problem.

Your biggest issue is that you're a fwb virgin who has no idea how these things work. This can happen in any kind of relationship. It sounds like you are now a little more aware and can avoid this type of pitfall in the future.

[dontaskme]

I see it for what it was....doesn't make it hurt any less or make it any easier to let go of my feelings....I'm sorry I'm not a cold hearted bitch.

Moving on and learning from your mistake doesn't make you a cold hearted bitch. It only means you are a smart and strong bitch.

[dickriculous]

I know that was meant for [MENTION=66459]michelle23[/MENTION], but I'll throw in here.....I don't think he is a "user" at all. He doesn't have to "use" woman for sex, he has several willing participants who don't care that is all he wants.....because they want nothing either....its an understanding. The guy who uses woman for sex is the guy who can't or doesn't get much of it so they will fukc anything they can get their hands on and walk away, may not even know their names. That's what I think. FWB guy has casual sex with women he knows. After talking to people who know him, he doesn't go out picking up women for sex, he doesn't have to. It's a casual agreement.

Add to this that using involves elements of manipulation that were not present in this scenario and you've pretty much got it. Hell, you've damn near figured out what myself and some other experienced posters have been trying to explain to michelle for years. Congrats

[Beth0621]

Your biggest issue is that you're a fwb virgin who has no idea how these things work. This can happen in any kind of relationship. It sounds like you are now a little more aware and can avoid this type of pitfall in the future.
Having good somewhere doesn't mean he will throw away what he wants to give you what you want. Seeing good in people isn't a character flaw. But seeing good and determining based on that "well then he's obviously confused and deep down inside he wants to marry me"...that would be a huge problem.

Oh, I am more than aware....I haven't been out much due to my controlling ex....so I haven't been in situations where guys have hit on me...until recently....I had a guy flat out tell me I was beautiful and he just wants to fukc me....am I interested? That was his pick up line....didn't even buy me a beer first....but he was honest. I think I know what to look for, I just hope I don't scare off a potential good one by grilling them about their "intentions" right off the bat.

You hit the nail on the head with the "he's obviously confused and wants to marry me"....that is exactly what I though, because I couldn't comprehend being so intimate with someone and not feeling anything. I still can't.

[Wakeup]

don't hate, I don't judge, I don't hold grudges......For my own well being, I really want to clear the air.....is that crazy?

This is probably THE most silly thing you could do. You've already told him (albeit in anger) what you thought of things so why would you open yourself up to his charms again? He doesn't care that you're angry... if he comes back to say he does, it will be to get another leg over. Anything less then "Geezus, I miss you and would like to try a real, exclusive relationship with you" is just BS and Fluff.

No new man you actually form something solid with will take kindly to you "having a beer" with your last sex partner. Having a beer without telling him is disrespectful and crossing relationship boundaries. Having a beer before you are indifferent to him is dangerous.

He's a "love avoidant" google that and educate yourself about chronic ball freaks. They don't change (more times then not even when they do marry). You've had some fun, you've learned some valuable dating lessons and you've ended the ride on the dick-go-round.

End of... Make it so.

[michelle23]

Add to this that using involves elements of manipulation that were not present in this scenario and you've pretty much got it. Hell, you've damn near figured out what myself and some other experienced posters have been trying to explain to michelle for years. Congrats

Are you serious? Just because I dont agree with some of your warped views on sex doesn't mean I am wrong. I have never been used, never treated badly, never been dumped and never had my heart shattered so at almost 25 I guess im doing something right and have a good understanding of men-both the good and the wastes of space so who are you to tell me I am wrong for not agreeing with casual ****ing? It has worked for me all my life so screw you

[Wakeup]

I didn't in any way say he showed committment through actions and if you go back and read my earlier posts you will see I said everything you just said besides the using part. And it is using. He has 3 or 4 women on the go. What do you call that?

I was defending OP when some newb started abusing the shit out of her. That is uncalled for

... and as usual... you are not even on point with your comeback. No one said you said that his actions showed that he loved her. What I said was he showed her in action that he did not. That was in response to your "he should have told her his intentions." Again: He did, in his actions he clearly showed her that it was a casual sexual relationship. When asked, he verified in in words.

You don't have to "defend" the Op... she's got a brain and realizes her own responsibility and how to defend herself. You're a "newb" yourself if you compare your start date to some others on here.

This "newb" shit is nauseating.

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Adding: don't get all defensive and start swearing at me... instead learn to respond to what's been said rather then something that has nothing to do with what you're arguing.