the money issue.....

[mchang521]

I just want to start off by clarifying that I'm not a gold digger, I'm not in a relationship because I want everything to be paid for.
maybe I just need some opinions and suggestions from a different perspective, which is why I'm posting on here.

so me and my boyfriend have been together for about 9 months (first relationship for the both of us and we're both 25).
He is so specific and calculative about money. We take turns for pay for meals when we go out which I have no problems with but sometimes I just think it'd be nice to be treated and none of this your turn my turn thing. When I see pictures of my friends with their boyfriends enjoying their anniversary at a nice restaurant or doing fun things I get so jealous.

Most of my friends boyfriends would pay for most things 90% of the time they go out, they buy their girlfriends flowers on special occasions or just a nice little gift, or dinner at a nice restaurant and stuff. I know I shouldn't be comparing my boyfriend to other people's boyfriends but it's starting to bother me a little. My boyfriend is a really great guy, has a lot of the qualities I look for in a man, but his cheapness is the biggest turn off for me. (again, I'm not looking for a guy that's loaded with money or anything). but it's just been building up....examples: we always go to cheap restaurants, even on special occasions. He bought me a tiny stuffed animal that was on clearance for $2.50 for my birthday plus a birthday card. (I don't need some designer purse but $2.50 seriously?). and if we go out to do things on weekends, he would not go to anything that has an admission fee of over $5. and he also complains about a box of 3 condoms being $5. I can literally go on and on, these are just some of the examples.

Again, I don't know if it's just me overreacting. maybe it's the way he was brought up? I was raised in a complete different environment, not a rich spoiled girl. but my family doesn't care about money that extreme, as long as the quality is good and it's for good reason and within a reasonable price, then i have no problem spending it because we should all enjoy life.

I just want some opinions to see what you guys think about this? if your boyfriend was like this, would it bother you? and does your boyfriend pay for the majority of things when you guys go out? I'd also like to point out that we both have pretty decent jobs so it's not like we're both poor or anything.

if we decided to go somewhere for a weekend trip. He'd calculate the cost of the rental car, gas, and hotel, and asks me to pay half of it.
Literally everything is so even it's ridiculous. it always ruins the whole weekend even if we had fun.

please help!

[TablesandChairs]

There's a difference between being financially responsible and being so cheap that you buy you girlfriend a $2.50 gift. Come on.

For the majority of this year, my partners business made very little money; I took care of things in terms of bills, rent, going out, clothes and so forth. When is business goes well, he doesn't let me pay for anything. That's how it goes. Neither of us keep count - we're a couple.

I'm generous by nature; my parents were the same. Not to say I'm irresponsible - quite the opposite, but if I'm going to get someone I care about a gift, it's going to be something they want and something that has some value, regardless of cost (within reason obviously).

[mchang521]

Thank you! that's exactly how I feel. We're a couple and we shouldn't keep count like that. I don't even do that with my friends which makes me feel uncomfortable that my boyfriend and I are doing that.

I'm also pretty generous myself. I'd always get valuable and meaningful gifts for the people I care about, (also regardless of cost and within reason). For his birthday (which came after mine), I got him tickets to a basketball game and we went together, as well as treated him to dinner. I just feel like for someone I love and care about, I don't mind spending the money, I just want them to enjoy their special day.

I know my boyfriend loves me very much, he constantly tells me and shows me everyday so it confuses me even more why he does things like this. Maybe he just doesn't know how to do things? (i'm his first gf)...I really don't know.

I actually brought it up to him once and asked him why he cares so much about things being so even between us. He told me that he didn't want to get hurt. He said if things don't end up working between us, he doesn't want to feel like that he wasted all the money on me which is why he wants everything to be 50/ 50. He said if we end up together in the future, he wouldn't have problem paying for majority of things. I

can see where he is coming from. but I'm thinking...shouldn't it be the other way around? every girl wants to be treated well and feel special when they're dating. if they don't it's very hard for them to stay and then there will be no future....

[dontaskme]

Beside being a cheapskate, is he at least generous with his time with you? Like he'll want to spend more time doing stuff with you, he'll fix things around the house, he'll change the oil in your car, etc? Because if he is, maybe that will compensate for him being so cheap. If not, you need to carefully think about this and make your decision wisely. I think that you are incompatible when it comes to your financial values and that could be a deal breaker in a relationship.

[mchang521]

yeah he is sweet when it comes to other things, he always wants to spend more time with me and he does little things that make me warm inside. like he always opens car doors for me and puts my seatbelt on, he'd leave me sticky notes that tells me he loves me.
We don't live together now, we're actually in different states so it's kind of a long distance relationship. we don't get to see each other that often compared to other couples which is why i feel like wouldn't everyone else want to treat their girlfriend extra special if they only get to see them maybe once a week?

I didn't think i'd care this much about financial things when we first started, but it's just been building up and it's making me so unhappy it's almost like a deal breaker. I feel so selfish for saying it because I know people say money shouldn't be everything. I'm just thinking if he's already like this and we're only dating, how cheap is he gonna be if we get married and stuff. Sometimes I even feel like dating other people that will treat me the way I want and make me feel special in that way. this is only my first relationship and i don't want it to be my last because I wish I can experience what other girls feel.

[dontaskme]

That can be a deal breaker, but if he is treating you right in other ways, respecting you, making you feel special, and not cheating on you, then this should not matter.

But I agree, you should keep your options open, date other guys and see what's out there. You don't want to marry your first BF. You need to experience other relationships as well.

[Guitargirl21]

It could be that it is deeply ingrained in his belief system from when he was young. Has he ever talked about how he was raised? How his parents approached money? It could be that this is a long-time habit for him.

However, it's clear that this is an issue for you. You just want to enjoy your time together, do things on the fly and not have to worry about money so much. You've only brought up the issue once, you have to try again. You have to say it's been on your mind for awhile and express how it makes you feel. If he dismisses you or doesn't respect your stance, he likely won't change and you'll have to consider if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.

I don't agree with his statement of "if we end up together in the future, i'll pay for the majority of things"...you are together now! He should already be thinking about the future with you, and trying to build up a meaningful relationship in the meantime. You said yourself that this is your first relationship and you want to experience dating other people. That's a good thing, because I guarantee there are lots of guys out there that would treat you how you want to be treated.

I don't think money can buy happiness, you can still be in an unhappy relationship where a guy is buying you nice things to compensate for all the other areas he lacks, and sometimes a nice walk in the park with a guy you really like beats a fancy dinner with an annoying guy you can't stand. However, cheapskates aren't great either, and I can see where your concern comes from.

[surfhb]

This is a weird one

I think you're out of line being jealous of your friends boyfriends that pay for everything. I mean if you were to both go on trips it's totally fair you pay your way. On the other hand it would be nice for him to treat you once on awhile....this goes for you too.

Also remember that those other guys also will live lives of extreme debt and your boyfriend will be the one retiring at 45 years old. Just something to think about

[TablesandChairs]

Neither extreme is good. Some men pay for love - they set the bar high, spend more than they can afford and when they can't sustain that level of spending, they end up single and broke. That's one end of the spectrum.

On the other, is your guy. I'm independent financially and have never dated for the sole purpose of receiving gifts or having my dinner paid for - but there's something to be said about gestures, manners and knowing how to treat someone you are dating. I'm sorry but $2.50 buys you 1/2 a McDonald's burger...it's embarrassing. I'm financially independent so have never dated someone for their money but if they gave me a $2.50 gift for my birthday or Christmas or whatever, I would be reconsidering my choice.

[Rusty88]

This is tough.

I'm a guy who is also very responsible with money. Is your boyfriend cheap? Yeah he is. But would you rather him go into debt just to treat you? No. So there's a fine line. Maybe he could spend a bit more and just open up a bit when it comes to money, but at the same time... If this is your future husband, and you have kids, etc. Are you going to want to marry into someone's debt? Do you want your children to have a college fund? If this guy isn't spending money he's obviously saving it.

I can be stingy with my money, and I could be just as happy eating a burger than I could be going to a fancy restaurant. I don't always spend a ton of money on my girlfriend but then again I'm taking her to New York for her birthday so what do I know?

[TablesandChairs]

That's a bit different, Rusty. My guy doesn't necessarily take me out to the best restaurants every week - neither of us prioritise food that much and coming from a family where my dad was a chef, I'm not easily impressed with food or the $$ some restaurants charge for it. We don't prioritise having the best cars etc. either. But then, he'll take me overseas for my birthday, which is so much better than going to a restaurant and paying top dollar for some marinated squid.