3 years on from wifes fling and still can't move on. Any advice?

[TonyM]

First time I have posted so hope this is the correct place.

Some background : I am male, soon to be 24 years married, with 2 lovely children. A number of years ago my wife who I loved very much, had what I can only describe as an on-line emotional affair. I found out by basically finding the home computer logged into her email one day when I returned from work, there were mails in there quite flirty and explicit between her and a guy she had been chatting to on some forum. After a lot of soul searching, I confronted her. First she was angry that I had read her personal mails, which soon turned in to being apologetic and saying it was all just a bit of fun and she wouldn't carry on with it, and promised to not keep in touch with him. To cut this short it went on to me finding that she just set up another email account to keep in touch and then with the threat that I would leave, she promised it had stopped. I was gutted at the time, but decided that it had not been physical and that there must have been underlying reasons for it, so put all my effort into being what I felt was the best husband that I could be.

My wife started started a new job that became very much core to her life, taking up a lot of her time, doing late nights and working most weekends. With us spending less and less time together. ( I am in a full time job too ) I have felt at times quite lonely, but I felt that as long as she was happy, the children happy and we all were benefiting from my wifes hard work, then it was not my place to say that I felt lonely. This was pretty much what I accepted as my life and , a bit of loneliness was not a big thing.

Then three years ago, out of the blue on one Saturday afternoon, I get a phone call from her saying she needed to see me, and sounded quite distressed. I had no idea what the problem was but jumped in the car and drove to see her. There she confessed to me about having, what she called a fling with a married guy, she didn't elaborate on it just acted very regretful and said it was big mistake and she was sorry, and for me not to leave etc. I drove off because I needed space to think, but did return because my marriage was too important to give up on over a fling. Anyway to cut this short, I found out over a number of months that this fling had been through meeting over some online no attachment sex site, she had also been in contact with a few other men and exchanged explicit videos and pictures. She had physically met with one guy and did whatever (never found the full details but what I know is too much) he had been found out by his wife, who then threatened my wife with telling me, which is what caused the confession.

This whole episode threw me into a total mess, this was not my wife, she wouldn't do this kind of thing. I didn't know even how to classify this, because she said she hadn't fallen for someone else, and still loved me, it seemed it had all been about the sex or excitement. And to be honest yes sex for us like many busy married couples was rare but good when we could, and I was up for more frequency, just didn't believe that she wanted it. Anyway we ended up in marriage counselling which to be honest I found didn't help me, if anything I would come away angry feeling that I had been made out to be the one at fault for not givign my wife the attention she needed. I end up getting very depressed and had to have personal counselling, anti-depressants, etc over the last two year. And only now I feel I am coming out the other end of this period, but my issues are that now I no longer trust, respect my wife. I find it hard to be close to her and intimate without images being in my head. I have a wonderful relationship with my children and they are my life, but I really don't know what to do about my marriage. I don't feel the same about my wife anymore, but care for her and don't want her to be unhappy, but I find it difficult to see any future for us. I stay because I don't want my children to suffer. But two years and still I'm not moving on, and I really don't know now what to do, this is basically where I find myself. Feeling rather pathetic and indecisive. I always thought I would just up and leave if she was ever unfaithful but it seems that its not that simple in reality. I live feeling that at some point she will cheat again, how ever much she says she won't. Any Advise out there?

[woody]

I need to make another cup of tea; but first off, let me say, I'm sorry your going through this. This, is a tough one.

It would almost be better had the other wife not threatened to tell you; as now you'll never know if your wife would have told you herself on her own accord.
The fact that the betrayal happened in the first place also, tough one. First, the online flirtations and exchange of provocative pics, then and after she promised to stop, again but this time, hands on. Dang.
. Admirable you both sought out therapy of sorts but as you said, it did not help much and seemed to make you feel at fault for something she did and not just to you, but to your Family unit. I cannot imagine the disappointment felt. But you do love her, that much is clear.

Re gaining trust and respect after something like this would never be easy but you are trying and this is good.
Married 24 years with two children (I assume their teenagers) and from all you said, I assume the marriage is (aside from the affair) is also fairly good?; But getting that trust back and losing a hefty dose of respect for her and wanting it back without trust, well, is it even possible?

Time. Time will tell if that innate trust will return. It has to. If it does not, it becomes a weight of doubts, wondering if she'll ever do that again, can you ever respect your love again and all that goes along with it, which is allot.

You love your wife. She messed up big time. Your wife loves you. She knows she messed up. If the love is strong which it sounds like it is (24 years is a testament to this), forgiveness is key. When true forgiveness arrives, trust and respect will slowly begin to return and faith; faith that everything will be alright. She made her mistakes. You have to move past this and be patient because time will tell you more. Your obviously a good man and you've got a good woman who screwed up. I hope you two find your way back to one another. May the trust return, may that 'za za zoom' return and may a chance be given for her to regain your respect.

good luck to you and yours