Am I being insecure or is she pushing me away? (My 1-yr relationship)

[BigOldBrownHat]

As the title suggests, I have been feeling a great deal of insecurity in my 1-year relationship with my girlfriend. This feeling has been going on a while, but it's been progressively getting worse over time. Here's the 'short'version of my story...

We met last summer through an online dating site and sparked an immediate connection. We were 28 at the time, she 6 months older than me, and we aligned on our humor, our intellect, and our taste in general silliness which came through in the initial phone calls and further when we finally met in person. I found her beautiful, genuine, and exciting, and the feeling was clearly mutual. After roughly 3 weeks of dating we were considering ourselves 'exclusive', and within 2 months of dating she confessed she was in love with me, and I returned the sentiment. For a few months after that, I was on cloud-nine, spending tons of time together, exploring new things, everything you could imagine; I mean it was the classic 'honeymoon'-stage of romance and I was eating it up.

Around the 4-month mark, though, I noticed signs of her withdrawal. We weren't intimate as often (once every time we met turned in a couple times a week), she didn't seem as interested in hanging out (she didn't ask to see me as much), and my gut just told me that she was less interested...hard to explain. However, knowing that she always described herself as somewhat aloof in relationships, I figured it was a stage and I tried to give her space. But nothing improved, and in fact it became more pronounced.

By 6 months, we were intimate maybe once every 1-2 weeks and she continued to see less of me, maybe 1-2 times a week (whereas before it was nearly every day). Yes, she still told me she loved me, but I just didn't feel that her 'heart' was as in it, she wouldn't sit as close to me, was not nearly as affectionate, all the cardinal signs that someone is just drifting away. And so I asked her why she seemed less interested in seeing me, and what she told me was that she didn't want to get sick of me. Apparently, in her past relationships, when she spends too much time with someone it makes her feel smothered and want to be alone, and ultimately she loses interest. I took her word for it, tried to give her more space, and I hoped that maybe it would create that gap where the heart grows fonder. Also around this time, I asked in passing if she'd be interested in sharing a place when her lease ran out in the spring, and she said it sounded 'good' (though technically not a YES). When her birthday came around, I got her the ultimate gift: a puppy she'd wanted for years and years... I don't know if I was just overcompensating, but in general i felt I was doing everything a considerate, generous boyfriend could do to show how much I cared...

As a side note, keep in mind that during this time (the 6-7 month mark) she would, still, show me some signs of love and interest... there would be periods of 'i miss you so much' and plenty of 'i love you's' and that kind of thing, but the lack of deeper intimacy from her started to really bother me, and still does.

By the time we reached 8 months, nothing had changed... in fact it kept getting worse. We had (and still have) physical intimacy maybe once every two months, we were seeing each other maybe 1-2 times a week, and all the passionate interest that I thought she had just seemed to disappear. And so I asked her why she was so much less affectionate and physical, I told her how I felt she was pushing me away, that it seemed like she had zero attraction to me, and that I felt inadequate in our relationship. I even brought up the idea of moving in together because i knew her lease was ending soon, and she decided she didn't want to do it. However, she told me that she does still have desire for me, that of course she wants to be with me, and that sometimes she just gets lost in her own head and it makes intimacy less of a priority. I again tried to simply believe her and continue hoping things might get better..

Then something really bad happened. She went on a vacation with a few of her friends in Mexico for 5 days (this was in May), and I stayed in her apartment and watched the puppy (well, kind of 'our' puppy). The day after she got back she sat down and told me she kissed some random dude when she was on vacation. Her claim was that she was out drinking with her friends, and that the kiss was a random, playful thing that wasn't about attraction but rather just her being goofy with her friends. It lasted only a couple seconds, she said, and she told me she immediately regretted it. She cried, told me how sorry she was, that she feared losing me, and that she wanted to earn my trust back. I chose to try and forgive and forget, but that we needed to work on her earning the trust back and our closeness in the relationship.

Between the vacation and now, I tried initiating intimacy with her, but she told me that she no longer feels 'sexy' because she thinks she's gained weight. Maybe she has, I can't tell, but I do everything I can imagine to make her feel sexy and I just get nothing.... Anyway, it's totally killed my confidence in even touching her..

That vacation kiss was 3 months ago now, and honestly I haven't felt any effort from her in earning back my trust. If anything, the insecurity I felt before has gotten worse as we still spend less time together, we haven't made love in 2 months, and she's just less 'there' when i'm around her. Even last week celebrating our anniversary, I got us a private room at the nicest restaurant in town, tickets to a musical she always wanted to see, and I booked at a night at the nicest hotel in the city. I put together this thoughtful gift basket which contained a small item that reminded me of a bunch of my favorite memories with her. Even on that night... although we cuddled, made-out, and felt very close... nothing beyond that happened. Don't get me wrong, I was glad for the attention I did get, but it did hurt that after going totally ALL OUT she still didn't seem to want me

And that is where i'm at. I love my girlfriend, ALOT, but I have zero idea where her head is at. I'm not feeling fulfilled or totally happy, I don't have confidence in her feelings, and it's like fighting a losing battle. I'm just not sure what to do about this, because I can't FORCE someone to like or want me. But then of course, when I ask her if she even wants this anymore, she says that she does... I just don't see it. It's like all her actions scream "I don't like you anymore, go away" but when I ask her she's like "of course I love you and want to be with you, you're the best!".

[crossandbone]

Hmm, this is a tough one. But as the saying goes "actions are louder than words". You have voiced your concerns to her on at least two occasions and she's none nothing to try an improve the situation, but somewhat makes it worse by running off and kissing another man. Wtf! I'm still really young so maybe theres a thing or two about relationships I don't know, but to me it seems like you're investing SO much into this relationship and she's just off doing her own thing. That would frustrate me beyond belief! I'm sorry you're having to go through it

It's obvious you really love her and would do whatever to make things work, but it can't just always be you alone. She has to want it just as much as you and I don't see her showing that at all. You can always sit her down again and let her know it can't keep on going on the way it is- how things need to change or you don't see a future here. Hopefully that will be her wake up call and she will snap out of whatever funk she's in and realize what a great guy she'd be losing.

Much luck to you BigOldBrownHat. I wish you the best!

[BigOldBrownHat]

Hmm, this is a tough one. But as the saying goes "actions are louder than words". You have voiced your concerns to her on at least two occasions and she's none nothing to try an improve the situation, but somewhat makes it worse by running off and kissing another man. Wtf! I'm still really young so maybe theres a thing or two about relationships I don't know, but to me it seems like you're investing SO much into this relationship and she's just off doing her own thing. That would frustrate me beyond belief! I'm sorry you're having to go through it

It's obvious you really love her and would do whatever to make things work, but it can't just always be you alone. She has to want it just as much as you and I don't see her showing that at all. You can always sit her down again and let her know it can't keep on going on the way it is- how things need to change or you don't see a future here. Hopefully that will be her wake up call and she will snap out of whatever funk she's in and realize what a great guy she'd be losing.

Much luck to you BigOldBrownHat. I wish you the best!

Thanks for the words.

To be sure, the infidelity has caused more problems than ever. Yes, prior to her admittance of the act we had issues to be worked out like most couples do, but at least i felt secure in her loyalty. Now, when we're not together or she's out and I don't hear back, somewhere in my mind I'm wondering what she's doing, if there's someone else, etc, especially considering the combination of other behaviors. In general I don't think it's likely considering how upset she was about her single act on vacation, and also because I have a key to her place and I go there every day to check on the at lunch hour, but some small part of me can't help but feel the nervousness.

If it were just one thing (ie - if JUST the intimacy dropped off, or JUST the time together dropped off...) then I wouldn't be as concerned, but it's everything happening at the same time that makes me concerned. If she's done with me I'd prefer to just know, but if she's not I just need more from her and it always seems like more than she's willing to give to me. There's an interesting concept that's called the 'Principle of Least Interest', which says that in interpersonal relationships the person with the least amount of interest holds all the power and influence, because they are the sole course of boundaries and decisions. In my case, she can dictate sex, time together, affection, what we talk about, because she wants less.

As I mentioned, the whole random acts of affection just add to my confusion. Like on Friday, we spent 3 whole days together and at times she was 'all over me' in the romantic sense. But then for the rest of the week she all but disappears... it's just so hard to get put together. I mean I guess I could just say that I'm not getting what I want and I need more, etc, but seeing as how she's been so standoffish already I think it'll probably just push her away more... but i guess i shouldn't care at this point.

[BigOldBrownHat]

So we spent a bunch of time together this last weekend, and even though a good amount of it was awesome, I still feel insecure about this.

To make matters worse, I can't even muster the courage to touch her intimately on my own because it feels like I'm just not used to it. After such a long dry spell, it's like a foreign language!!! I'm not sure how to bust past that. I'm also finding myself doubting her loyalty again considering how 'OK' she seems with no love-making. She's fine with making out sometimes but she never tries anything further.

I'm not sure how to move past this.

[woody]

Get that puppy. Puppy's become Dog's and our furry friends can live up to 17 or more years old. A sweet gesture but a huge commitment when done right and oh so rewarding these connections with our K-9 friends.

Sorry to hear this lady is retreating. It is difficult when the focus of our affections doesn't seem to reflect back as much as one gives. You must ask yourself, are you holding on because you know how great a guy you are and you and her have so many on par similarities and such so how could she possibly find someone better suited? or do you really dig this girl and really don't want to lose her because of what you inner heart is telling you, down deep..?..

It seems you have much to offer. Your gut is already telling you what the scoop is.
Follow your gut. Get that dog and make a decision.
Her lack of libido could be due to depression. (does she seem depressed) but if not,
You must ask yourself if your willing to continue feeling this way with her, around her or do you feel you need and deserve more of a balanced connection.
and then there's this. All couples argue and sometimes even fight. But to go and kiss someone else. Bit of a red flag there.

You say her actions tell you all you need to know yet her words bring you right back into limbo land. WEll, self worth man. Separate and hold out for a one who fulfills you or stay and continue feeling undesirable, unfulfilled.

get the puppy and be thankful you at least have him/her.

[BigOldBrownHat]

Get that puppy. Puppy's become Dog's and our furry friends can live up to 17 or more years old. A sweet gesture but a huge commitment when done right and oh so rewarding these connections with our K-9 friends.

Sorry to hear this lady is retreating. It is difficult when the focus of our affections doesn't seem to reflect back as much as one gives. You must ask yourself, are you holding on because you know how great a guy you are and you and her have so many on par similarities and such so how could she possibly find someone better suited? or do you really dig this girl and really don't want to lose her because of what you inner heart is telling you, down deep..?..

It seems you have much to offer. Your gut is already telling you what the scoop is.
Follow your gut. Get that dog and make a decision.
Her lack of libido could be due to depression. (does she seem depressed) but if not,
You must ask yourself if your willing to continue feeling this way with her, around her or do you feel you need and deserve more of a balanced connection.
and then there's this. All couples argue and sometimes even fight. But to go and kiss someone else. Bit of a red flag there.

You say her actions tell you all you need to know yet her words bring you right back into limbo land. WEll, self worth man. Separate and hold out for a one who fulfills you or stay and continue feeling undesirable, unfulfilled.

get the puppy and be thankful you at least have him/her.

I'm holding out because I know how 'good' we are together when there are no boundaries, but I feel the boundaries that are being either implicitly or explicitly set by her
.
We have tons in common, she makes me want to be a better person, we compliment eachother well (we kind of compensate for eachother's shortcomings in some areas", and I do really love her.

She also does give me gestures of affection so I know it's not just a total lack of interest, and she still says she misses me and all that. The problem is that certain things just seem backward. I don't see how someone could be in love, with someone for a year, and yet want to see them less, and have no interest in intimacy.

She does have 'some' mental things that i'm sure could contribute to her lack of drive, but i'm not sure how to get passed them. I'm also not 100% sure how to get my trust of her back, because that also eats at me from time to time especially when she goes out drinking with her friends.

I'm staying because in most ways I am happy, but the few areas wherein I just 'don't know' are pretty big ones.

[woody]

Well good on you. Only you two know how things are going and if your feeling the love regardless of intimacy and the love is strong as you imply, again, good on you.
You could try buying some Ginseng. Search which type would best suit her (and you for that matter as it has many health benefits) and see if that helps her libido drive increase. It has worked for many others for thousands of years. The stuff works.
Good luck to you and your lady.

[BigOldBrownHat]

Well good on you. Only you two know how things are going and if your feeling the love regardless of intimacy and the love is strong as you imply, again, good on you.
You could try buying some Ginseng. Search which type would best suit her (and you for that matter as it has many health benefits) and see if that helps her libido drive increase. It has worked for many others for thousands of years. The stuff works.
Good luck to you and your lady.

I have a strong feeling she may just want me to take control and 'man-up', so the speak. However, sometimes her responses/reactions just scream 'leave me alone' and I find it hard to feel confident.

For instance, a week or so ago we were lying in bed and she offered to let me stay over again. I said, 'I'll think about it', knowing full-well that I wanted to stay. So, as a 'joke', I told her I was going to leave (because we always make out a little before I take off). So right when I gesture i might take off, she comes over and that's what happens. A second later I say, ' you know, maybe I was just saying that because I wanted to make out... i think i'll stay', something to that effect. She did not like that at all... basically told me she feels like a bitch if I feel like I have to trick her into making out.

OK, fair point..

BUT... then a couple days later, she's just sitting there playing solitaire on her phone and I learn over to kiss her... and she just moves her head away and makes an 'arg' sound (annoyed). So again... she TELLING me 'come and get it' but when I do (other than on the way out the door) she rejects me most of the time. It makes no sense...

Even the last time we made love had details that made no sense (again, 2 months ago at least). In that case, we had a couple drinks and it just happened somehow. After we were done I said to her something like, "wow, i missed that. we really should do that more often.". Her response, "Well, i'm always right here!". Again, SAYING and suggesting that she wants it.

THEN... 2 weeks ago, we're laying in bed and she asks me to come over and make out with her.... so we do for like 3 minutes... and then I very obviously suggest we get it on (something like, "are you sure that's all you want to do?").. and she right away shoots back with "YES...."

Then there's a pause and she says, "Sorry, it's really not you... it's me. I don't feel sexy at all right now, and I don't feel like having sex period. Not until I lose some weight."

Ever since she said that... I have stopped trying. And I mean I've stopped trying almost anything physical because I just don't feel comfortable. I don't know how to get passed that... she's setting ALL the boundaries and the rules, and I feel like i'm just getting a watered-down version of her. It sucks... I dunno how to fix it because I do EVERYTHING I can to try and make her feel sexy.. i'm damn attracted to her, but nothing seems to work.

Of course, there's a chance she does just want me to take charge, but I feel no confidence like I said... i feel like she doesn't want me at all. I'm not a terrible looking guy either, I take care of myself, i'm in good shape... got all my teeth... i'm well-groomed.. I just don't get it.

[dontaskme]

Are you an attractive person? When you say "not terrible looking", what does that mean? Is your girlfriend attractive?

[BigOldBrownHat]

Are you an attractive person? When you say "not terrible looking", what does that mean? Is your girlfriend attractive?

I mean I think it's all 'in the eye of the beholder', but objectively I think i'm above average. I'm taller, 6 foot, I'm symmetrical, I have good teeth, good skin, i dress well but not full-on suit dressy...

here, this is me: https:*//media.licdn.com/mpr/mpr/shrink_120_120/p/4/005/05a/162/3819bf3.jpg

I'm super attracted to my girlfriend.. she's shorter, about 5'2", and she's half-persian so she's got dark hair and eyes, olive skin... and she has a very pretty face. She's got a little more weight on her than me (i'm about 170, so not too large for my height) but she's probably on the higher-end of average, but NOT fat.

Either way doesn't really matter... I mean we used to be all over eachother, and now we're not (or she isn't). So, even if we were both butt-ugly or otherwise, it's the change that concerns me.

[dontaskme]

If you're an above average looking guy, there is no reason to be insecure. Seems like your girlfriend is more insecure because of her weight, considering that she's short. So YES, man up, and take charge!

If she can't fulfill your needs, tell her that there are plenty of fish in the ocean. You should not take any crap from her.

- - - Updated - - -

BTW, the link to your pic doesn't work so I'm just taking your word that you are above average looking.

[BigOldBrownHat]

If you're an above average looking guy, there is no reason to be insecure. Seems like your girlfriend is more insecure because of her weight, considering that she's short. So YES, man up, and take charge!

If she can't fulfill your needs, tell her that there are plenty of fish in the ocean. You should not take any crap from her.

- - - Updated - - -

BTW, the link to your pic doesn't work so I'm just taking your word that you are above average looking.

You just need to take out the asterisk... I can't post direct links because im a newer member.

[dontaskme]

Okay, it worked. So you are above average looking guy. Take charge of your relationship. Talk to her and let her know that you need more than what she is offering you.

You are only dating for a year, you should still be in the honeymoon stage. If you allow this to continue, your relationship will definitely stale. Get your confidence back.

Nothing turns off a woman more than a man with low self esteem and 0 confidence.

[TablesandChairs]

Intimacy in a r/ship is a two way street; I hear a lot of 'take charge!', do this, do that.

But you do initiate. You ensure she knows you think she's attractive. You try to get close and she pushes away, despite stating it's what she wants. Having sex once every 2 months is not okay unless you're both 60 years old.

Stop skirting around the issue; it's not okay and something needs to change. If she doesn't want to make effort of that nature, then perhaps she needs to change teams because not a lot of guys would be cool with the regimen she has you on,

[Leialoha1975]

Intimacy in a r/ship is a two way street; I hear a lot of 'take charge!', do this, do that.

But you do initiate. You ensure she knows you think she's attractive. You try to get close and she pushes away, despite stating it's what she wants. Having sex once every 2 months is not okay unless you're both 60 years old.

Stop skirting around the issue; it's not okay and something needs to change. If she doesn't want to make effort of that nature, then perhaps she needs to change teams because not a lot of guys would be cool with the regimen she has you on,

I have to agree... what your going through is crap. Its up to you on how long you want to tolerate her actions. I think you should just leave... Oh and if you 2 were together while she went on vacation, kissing is cheating. So that vacation kiss is a huge no no in my book. And you know it is too... that's why you can't re gain trust.