4yr relationship and now doubts, HELP!!

[§ouLto§ouL]

I have been with my g/f for over 4 years. We are both 22, however, she is in New Jersey (my home as well as hers), but I am out in Minneapolis going to school for the recording arts (producing and recording bands, etc)... So first off, things are difficult enough with the distance set between us, but we always end up getting in fights when it comes down to me talking to her about my future and goals. I am a pretty ambitious person and simply want to be successful (as any other person) when I finally do break into the music industry. Well I have explained to her that I will almost undoubtedly be working long hours and long nights (as I even do from time to time now), but by no means does that mean that her and I cannot further our futures together once I feel that I am somewhat established and making money in a career after I get out of school.

This is where all the problems start.... First off, let me just say this, she is going to be going through her clinical schooling to get her RN in just a few short months, however she has told me endless times that her career is not a major goal for her (meaning she doesn't really have to worry too much about not having a job when she does graduate, as a person in the health field can almost always get a job fairly easily, with the right credentials that is), but that getting married and settling down and starting a family ARE major goals for her. Well, I know that I eventually want to have all that, but right now, my school and upcoming career are what's important to me, yet she always brings it up even though she knows my mind is not involved in all that yet. And yes, I have told her several times that us building our careers and futures are more important than all of that other stuff right now. We will have plenty of time to talk about that when the time arises, but she gets mad with me when I say that. Does this sound selfish in any way?? I love my g/f very much, but sometimes when we argue and go around in circles as we have been doing (the entire arguement stated above is recurring and has been for a long time).... I sometimes question everything that we have with eachother. I sometimes wonder if I am even with the right person and if we are having these types of arguments now (we're not even engaged yet), that when we do get engaged and married, these problems will simply escalate and eventually lead to a miserable breakup/divorce.

One HUGE thing she tells me all the time is this: She always says she despises people that are celebrities and are famous, with lots of money. She tells me that she doesn't want to have fancy cars, a huge house, and lots of money and that if I ever were to get famous in the music industry, she would not want any part of it at all. I try to explain to her that there are lots of famous people out there that worked hard (just like I'm doing) to get where they are, and that despite whether or not they wanted the fame or not, it's not necessarily in their hands.

For example, you are a hard working engineer/producer working for a studio... well it just so happens a band comes in and they want to get recorded, you've never heard their music nor have you heard of them, but you sign on and record them blah blah blah.... Well, within weeks this band's music is being played on radio stations everywhere and they have went from nobodys to rock stars really overnight.... despite whether you wanted the fame, you just got it b/c your name is all over their cd credits. They get the fame and money and you win as well b/c you had a hand in making that happen for them. Fluke situations such as that one I just described happen ALL the time in the entertainment industry and other times it's MUCH MUCH harder to break through... but the point I'm trying to convey as I try to explain to her is that sometimes it can't be helped and instead of telling me she wants no part, of basically my possible future, I feel that she should be supporting me and not against my ambitions.

We are and always have been different types of people, but we have always made things work out b/c we care a lot for eachother and both of us always go out or way for one another. But she gets snappy and gets a big attitude with me when we talk about the whole career thing and we can never seem to resolve it, and when it's all over, I always feel as if I'm doing something wrong, like maybe I'm not doing the right thing. Do you guys think that I am being unreasonable or even selfish in any way here?? I would like to hear what everyone has to say as this whole thing is tearing me up inside.... I literally sat in my bathroom 2 days ago and started crying uncontrollably and had a breakdown. I don't feel as if she is with me at all some days, but I don't know what to think or do.....please, help me out with anything, I would REALLY appreciate it all!

[ALovelyLady86]

I dont think youre being unreasonable. Shes known all along that this is a goal of yours. You seem to be very ambitious and she should be thankful for that. She should be proud to tell everyone what youre doing.
Long distance relationships are extremely hard to work out. I've been in 2 and they didnt survive at all. As long as you guys have been together there is potential, but this really could make or break your relationship. Shes going to have to realize that she needs to sacrifice to make this work. Things may not go her way or your way but thats part of life. And if you do survive it, you'll survive anything!

[lozzybug]

I always thought that love was simple enough - if two people love each other enough then they can get through anything but after being in a relationship for 5 years I realise this isn't always the case. Sure, you love her, but you also have to do what's best for you and if that means not being with her, then you have to make that choice. I don't think there's just that one person for everyone, I think there's lots of people in this life we can make it with, we just need to find the right person for us. Best of luck anyway and I hope it works out for the best for you.

[misombra]

I have been with my g/f for over 4 years. We are both 22, however, she is in New Jersey (my home as well as hers), but I am out in Minneapolis going to school for the recording arts (producing and recording bands, etc)... So first off, things are difficult enough with the distance set between us, but we always end up getting in fights when it comes down to me talking to her about my future and goals. I am a pretty ambitious person and simply want to be successful (as any other person) when I finally do break into the music industry. Well I have explained to her that I will almost undoubtedly be working long hours and long nights (as I even do from time to time now), but by no means does that mean that her and I cannot further our futures together once I feel that I am somewhat established and making money in a career after I get out of school.

This is where all the problems start.... First off, let me just say this, she is going to be going through her clinical schooling to get her RN in just a few short months, however she has told me endless times that her career is not a major goal for her (meaning she doesn't really have to worry too much about not having a job when she does graduate, as a person in the health field can almost always get a job fairly easily, with the right credentials that is), but that getting married and settling down and starting a family ARE major goals for her. Well, I know that I eventually want to have all that, but right now, my school and upcoming career are what's important to me, yet she always brings it up even though she knows my mind is not involved in all that yet. And yes, I have told her several times that us building our careers and futures are more important than all of that other stuff right now. We will have plenty of time to talk about that when the time arises, but she gets mad with me when I say that. Does this sound selfish in any way?? I love my g/f very much, but sometimes when we argue and go around in circles as we have been doing (the entire arguement stated above is recurring and has been for a long time).... I sometimes question everything that we have with eachother. I sometimes wonder if I am even with the right person and if we are having these types of arguments now (we're not even engaged yet), that when we do get engaged and married, these problems will simply escalate and eventually lead to a miserable breakup/divorce.

One HUGE thing she tells me all the time is this: She always says she despises people that are celebrities and are famous, with lots of money. She tells me that she doesn't want to have fancy cars, a huge house, and lots of money and that if I ever were to get famous in the music industry, she would not want any part of it at all. I try to explain to her that there are lots of famous people out there that worked hard (just like I'm doing) to get where they are, and that despite whether or not they wanted the fame or not, it's not necessarily in their hands.

For example, you are a hard working engineer/producer working for a studio... well it just so happens a band comes in and they want to get recorded, you've never heard their music nor have you heard of them, but you sign on and record them blah blah blah.... Well, within weeks this band's music is being played on radio stations everywhere and they have went from nobodys to rock stars really overnight.... despite whether you wanted the fame, you just got it b/c your name is all over their cd credits. They get the fame and money and you win as well b/c you had a hand in making that happen for them. Fluke situations such as that one I just described happen ALL the time in the entertainment industry and other times it's MUCH MUCH harder to break through... but the point I'm trying to convey as I try to explain to her is that sometimes it can't be helped and instead of telling me she wants no part, of basically my possible future, I feel that she should be supporting me and not against my ambitions.

We are and always have been different types of people, but we have always made things work out b/c we care a lot for eachother and both of us always go out or way for one another. But she gets snappy and gets a big attitude with me when we talk about the whole career thing and we can never seem to resolve it, and when it's all over, I always feel as if I'm doing something wrong, like maybe I'm not doing the right thing. Do you guys think that I am being unreasonable or even selfish in any way here?? I would like to hear what everyone has to say as this whole thing is tearing me up inside.... I literally sat in my bathroom 2 days ago and started crying uncontrollably and had a breakdown. I don't feel as if she is with me at all some days, but I don't know what to think or do.....please, help me out with anything, I would REALLY appreciate it all!

hi. first let me say that it is scary to get involved with somebody who is or potentionally can be involved in the music industry. that kind of job is not condusive with family and settling down, which is what your girlfriend wants.

i think if you two want to be together then you'll both have to compromise, which it doesn't look like either of you want to do that right now. you are also pretty young and you want to have your shit together before you settle down and have a family, fair enough. it sounds like she wants those things now or she wants to be reassured that you will have that together in future. it also sounds like she wants a life that is more simple than a very ambitious man is willing to offer. Some people like the simple life.

did she grow up on the poor side? i did and i feel that way too. snobby, rich people with fancy cars and houses and all kinds of focus on materialistic things is just not my bag. it's probably not hers either. sure they worked their asses off for what they have but some people don't want that. they'd rather work their asses off for their families, their kids, you know? i guess it's difficult to make a person driven toward one of those things to understand the other side.

i say try to communicate honestly and work at understanding each other's point of view and work to come to a compromise at least before you throw in the towel, you know? if that happens then at least you tried.

good luck.

[§ouLto§ouL]

Thanks to all that replied to my post. To make a long story short, I had a long talk with her and we ended up breaking up... I was devestated (even though it was I who initiated the breakup) and could not stop crying and thinking about it. Well eventually she called me back and we talked for a long time... we got back together, but I don't know if either way to go was the right thing. I'm still really confused about it all, but deep down I love her immensely, and I will be going home in 3 weeks anyways to see her. The long distance stuff has been getting to me, and her and I have been together for so long, yet we're still young and I don't know if we should date other people to discover that it is with eachother that our futures lie... she seems absolutely sure that she wants to be with me, but i'm unsure.... it scares me to know that I might be with only one person for the rest of my life, regardless of how much I love and care for her. However, when I broke up with her, I felt like I was being extremely selfish and like a huge as*hole.... it was one of the worst feelings I have ever felt. When we were getting off the phone a little while ago(after we got back together), she told me that she still doesn't understand why the whole night happened the way it did, but that she is sure it all happened for a reason.

I'm confused beyond belief.... however, when we did talk about the whole career thing, she said that it didn't matter if I became famous or had lots of money, she would never completely like it, but she would never leave me over it all, which leaves me with some reassurance. To answer the post before this one though, no she didn't grow up poor or anything, but she grew up in a small one-floor house and her parents were always hounding her about how if she wanted something, she would have to go earn the money to get it and they wouldn't pay for hardly anything.... which I feel is both a good and bad way of doing things, but that's just my opinion. Anyways, what do you guys think about the events that transpired, I would be really interested to hear an outsiders opinion just as you guys have been nice enough to have been doing here for me.

§ouLto§ouL

[misombra]

it was probably the best thing. if she could never fully be happy with a life you would have provided her then why stay together?

[ALovelyLady86]

Soul You'll know what to do eventually. Sometimes you really just arent ready for it. At this point I'm sure youre pretty confused because at one end of the spectrum you love her to death, but the other end shows how you guys dont want the same things in life. Everything does happen for a reason, I believe. You do have to compromise in any relationship, especially with a situation like this. It sounds like she did make some effort to compromise with you... thats a good sign. Shes probably pretty afraid to lose you. This is a pretty complicated situation that I think even though we can give you advice on it, we cant really tell you and right or wrong thing to do. Its just up to you. Good luck.

[mhussain]

life is all about sacrifice and hope .. u have to give something to get something ...

the choice is urs .... what are u willing to give up to get the other?

Hussain

[Tone]

And yes, I have told her several times that us building our careers and futures are more important than all of that other stuff right now.

Ouch, that could be a reason for the fighting, you basically saying her goals aren't as important as yours, is selfish and could hurt her feelings. Perhaps you just worded it wrong when explaining the story to us, but if not just be sure you explain to her that her goals and dreams of having a family is important to you, but you first want to be financially ready for all that. Tell her you want to get your career started so you can support her and your family together, so you're working together.

Good luck.

[§ouLto§ouL]

We have been working through all this stuff lately... things have been going pretty good and she has said to me that she would never leave me, that it didn't matter what happens in the future, that she would be by my side. That was definitely the reassurance I had been looking for all along. The only thing is that she keeps telling me that things don't seem right, that I seem different ever since we broke up that one night, which I suppose is understandable and I have done everything possible, over the phone, to reassure her that everything will be alright and that night was simply a bump in our relationship. She has been extremely understanding and as much as I didn't want to break up with her (i was just scared which is why it happened)... the good thing that came of it all is that she is being more open minded, we are being more open with eachother and we both have more of an appreciation for everything we have built with eachother. It is so easy to take for granted all we have... and I would have to say that taking things for granted is probably THE one human trait that most often destroys things in life. I never really realized that until I moved away to go to school. Well thanks for all your replies everyone, all you guys here are a great help and the fact that you take your time out to help others speaks volumes. Thank you!

§ouLto§ouL

[misombra]

that is really great! people do take things for granted all the time. i know i do and that it's one of my biggest lessons in life. things can change in a second and you can lose the things and people that you care about the most in this world.

anyway, i'm glad things worked out for the better. remember...compromise compromise compromise...

[DarkDwarf]

I have been with my g/f for over 4 years. We are both 22, however, she is in New Jersey (my home as well as hers), but I am out in Minneapolis going to school for the recording arts (producing and recording bands, etc)... So first off, things are difficult enough with the distance set between us, but we always end up getting in fights when it comes down to me talking to her about my future and goals. I am a pretty ambitious person and simply want to be successful (as any other person) when I finally do break into the music industry. Well I have explained to her that I will almost undoubtedly be working long hours and long nights (as I even do from time to time now), but by no means does that mean that her and I cannot further our futures together once I feel that I am somewhat established and making money in a career after I get out of school.

This is where all the problems start.... First off, let me just say this, she is going to be going through her clinical schooling to get her RN in just a few short months, however she has told me endless times that her career is not a major goal for her (meaning she doesn't really have to worry too much about not having a job when she does graduate, as a person in the health field can almost always get a job fairly easily, with the right credentials that is), but that getting married and settling down and starting a family ARE major goals for her. Well, I know that I eventually want to have all that, but right now, my school and upcoming career are what's important to me, yet she always brings it up even though she knows my mind is not involved in all that yet. And yes, I have told her several times that us building our careers and futures are more important than all of that other stuff right now. We will have plenty of time to talk about that when the time arises, but she gets mad with me when I say that. Does this sound selfish in any way?? I love my g/f very much, but sometimes when we argue and go around in circles as we have been doing (the entire arguement stated above is recurring and has been for a long time).... I sometimes question everything that we have with eachother. I sometimes wonder if I am even with the right person and if we are having these types of arguments now (we're not even engaged yet), that when we do get engaged and married, these problems will simply escalate and eventually lead to a miserable breakup/divorce.

One HUGE thing she tells me all the time is this: She always says she despises people that are celebrities and are famous, with lots of money. She tells me that she doesn't want to have fancy cars, a huge house, and lots of money and that if I ever were to get famous in the music industry, she would not want any part of it at all. I try to explain to her that there are lots of famous people out there that worked hard (just like I'm doing) to get where they are, and that despite whether or not they wanted the fame or not, it's not necessarily in their hands.

For example, you are a hard working engineer/producer working for a studio... well it just so happens a band comes in and they want to get recorded, you've never heard their music nor have you heard of them, but you sign on and record them blah blah blah.... Well, within weeks this band's music is being played on radio stations everywhere and they have went from nobodys to rock stars really overnight.... despite whether you wanted the fame, you just got it b/c your name is all over their cd credits. They get the fame and money and you win as well b/c you had a hand in making that happen for them. Fluke situations such as that one I just described happen ALL the time in the entertainment industry and other times it's MUCH MUCH harder to break through... but the point I'm trying to convey as I try to explain to her is that sometimes it can't be helped and instead of telling me she wants no part, of basically my possible future, I feel that she should be supporting me and not against my ambitions.

We are and always have been different types of people, but we have always made things work out b/c we care a lot for eachother and both of us always go out or way for one another. But she gets snappy and gets a big attitude with me when we talk about the whole career thing and we can never seem to resolve it, and when it's all over, I always feel as if I'm doing something wrong, like maybe I'm not doing the right thing. Do you guys think that I am being unreasonable or even selfish in any way here?? I would like to hear what everyone has to say as this whole thing is tearing me up inside.... I literally sat in my bathroom 2 days ago and started crying uncontrollably and had a breakdown. I don't feel as if she is with me at all some days, but I don't know what to think or do.....please, help me out with anything, I would REALLY appreciate it all!

Yes, She may of been your GF for many long years and you love her very much, but sometimes people arn't made for each other and after many love filled years it is time for them to move on. Hopefully this isn't the case Soul, but remember people don't always marry thier first GF (This probaly isn't your first, but work with me). So keep your options open and try to come up with an ultimate solution instead of a smaller one every fight.

"You can fix the small cracks in the dam but sooner or later the whole dam is going to fall down"

Also look at my sig.

Best of luck. Hope things works out.


-Dark Dwarf

P.S.- You were being perfectly reasonable