woody in need of advice please

[woody]

I think I might be in trouble. posted in off topic yesterday but couldn't find it and though two of you did (thank you) when I tried finding it later, could not.
Personal background, not too long, sorry if too long. Going to expose myself I little here. Oh yes and btw, I am female, not male (guess I skipped that part when signing up, sorry)
Three or so years ago I fell in love with the person I had long waited for. For many years before that I lived alone, fairly closed off from the World out in the woods, half way up a mountain. I enjoyed my time there with my dog, two cats and the garden. Had no running water, fire only to keep warm in the cold months, no internet, TV, so on... It was a struggle sometimes but mostly, I thoroughly enjoyed my solitude.
The person I was engaged to a few years before living in the woods had committed suicide and losing this person was and remains one of the saddest things in my life. So I needed the space. It wasn't fair putting anyone through me so I stayed away from people. I don't think I spoke with anyone aside from grocery folks for months at a time.
Was also celibate for 5 years and I know in hindsight, closing myself off from human touch was not the right thing to do. Yet, getting over what had happened required time and anyone who's been with one who commits suicide knows full well the guilt associated with such a thing.
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About 6 years later, my family, worried, came and got me.
So off I go reluctantly, back to Society. REnt a little place in a Gypsy Park so I could be with my four legged furry friends. I still stayed to myself, still in mourning, still no people.
I grew up truly believing in romance and destiny. I can't tell you how many tears and years I cried. I missed him yet I knew I had to go on.
This wasn't easy.
A few months into living at the Gypsy Park surrounded by beautiful trees, moss covered forest floor I began to smile more; and one fine day a man came and knocked on my door. He had the biggest smile and most sparkly eyes I'd seen and my heart pounded in my chest as he spoke. He looked so familiar though I know I had never seen him before.
He began courting me. It felt like the Universe had sent him to me, it felt like he was to be the ONE. (I know, I know, old school romantic here.) He told me he was an artist and he told me he was also a drinker. (At least he was honest about it I thought). and I never suspected it would be so very much but it was and remains so.
but We began our whirlwind romance none the less and within a year he bought us a little house a few towns over. It was one of the most romantic things anyone had ever done.
So now I'm here. Its been three or so years. He hasn't been painting, nor does he work and he drinks and is home every day. He seems happy and perfectly content doing so. He tells me he just needs some rest time and that one day, he'll decrease the drink and start painting again.
Here lies my concerns. I know he bought the house with what was left of his savings and I am thankful. I know that if he sells it, he gets his money back. This place is an investment. I also know that I give him every dime I earn because its not much and we need to pay the bills, the utilities, the food.
I do most of the cleaning and I don't mind this, if only he'd paint again and maybe drink a little less. every day its the same thing... I am just starting to feel like a maid. I love him but I find myself having dark thought like, "gee, he's sitting pretty, invests the rest of his cash to get this place so he doesn't drink it all, gets me here to be his little house wifey and I 'm the only one who brings any money in. I give everything I've got."

If only he'd paint again I think I could handle all of it; but its been years now and he's still playing the same ol tune, drinking every day while listening to the radio. Again though, I do love him and he makes me laugh. We are good together.. I love our home, our garden; but am I blind to any red flags here? Should I be concerned that though he may love me, is he also using me a little? I don't mind contributing but I thought couples go 50/50 on things like bills.
If only he'd paint or do something.
I don't know what I'm asking if anything. For a time now I've been coming to this site offering advice when I can give it. I suppose I'm asking now for your opinion.
I am a hopeless oldschool romantic. I put allot into that. I'd like to spend my life with him but am worried. It is difficult when day in, day out, the man you wake up to (wonderful, sweet, loving) is not the person you see at night, ( like a drunk, 200 pound, 2 year old)
Do you think I ought be or am I over thinking things.??
anyway, I figured it was time to share a little about myself.

I do hope your all well.
I just don't want to wake up in 5 years from now and be a worse for wear, empty shell of my former self. This was a long post. thanks for reading. Anyway, here goes something.

[dontaskme]

Hi Woody, your concern is very valid and right at point. What I think you need to do here is to have a conversation with him and voice out you apprehension about his lack of support financially and even helping around the house.

So what if he bought the house, he still need to bring on the table his share of the expenses. Additionally, long term drinking is not good, it can lead to a lot of health issues such as depression, liver problem, etc.

If he is is not amenable or not receptive to having a conversation alone with you, maybe ask someone professional to help you out. Eventually, whatever you are feeling may turn into a grudge and it can't be good for the relationship.

Good luck to you and your partner.

[toknow]

What's your interaction like?

[anya_may21]

Check out her thread in Off Topic Discussion she started that one first and gives more details.

[woody]

Hi Woody, your concern is very valid and right at point. What I think you need to do here is to have a conversation with him and voice out you apprehension about his lack of support financially and even helping around the house.

So what if he bought the house, he still need to bring on the table his share of the expenses. Additionally, long term drinking is not good, it can lead to a lot of health issues such as depression, liver problem, etc.

If he is is not amenable or not receptive to having a conversation alone with you, maybe ask someone professional to help you out. Eventually, whatever you are feeling may turn into a grudge and it can't be good for the relationship.

Good luck to you and your partner.

Thank you. I know, the grudge is one of the things I worry about. and his health. Indeed, it does bother me greatly.
I will be seeking some therapy assistance. Yah, I really wish he'd uh, pitch in more to the bills. Hurts that the beer money cancels out what I pay for the bills and food. and it hurts when he implies I don't contribute enough or brings up the times he has paid for some thing on his credit card. Just intolerable really.
Ah, ain't love grand.
all good. Hey, thanks.

- - - Updated - - -

What's your interaction like?

In the day time, it's pretty good. We are kind to each other, he has some water and tea, a few smokes then off to the beer shop, then downstairs to listen to the radio and stand, drink. He putts about the yard alittle. We chat off and on. it's good.
Night time is when 'stuff' changes. Not every night just too often really.
Hey, I posted in off topic initially. Put it over here when I couldn't see it. Got allot of kindness from folks.
All in all, interactions fair. When it's good, its the best. When it's not, its the worst.
Same as any couple I suppose.
anyway, all good
take care

[toknow]

It would seem he would be more focused on you.

[woody]

He's a good man all in all. Like any couple we have our waves of up's and down's. I would like to do more 'outings' together (of course) who wouldn't right. Yet, the love is there and we enjoy each other in our home. I"m sorry if I came across as complaining or boo hoo ey.

He is my sweet honey pie, booze n all, silly things said and all, I still love him and can't imagine my life without him in it. I guess I just get fed up from time to time, like anyone would.
Needed some opinions on things and it was good to get some.

take care 'toknow'
Happy Summertime!

[TablesandChairs]

Hey Woody,

Obviously he's an alcoholic and alcoholism tends to get worse, not better, if left to its own devices. As you know, it's a great de-motivator and each day is repetitive; eventually he'll get drunk and that'll be that. Later down the track, it can impair the persons mental functioning, they become increasingly unmotivated, disinterested and distant.

I would address the elephant in the room and insist on improvement; assure him he has your full support.

When I first read over your message, I thought...after years of isolation, this was the first guy who came knocking and maybe you didn't see things clearly...alcoholism is a beast of a thing. But it's clear you care about him and he sounds like a decent guy otherwise so there's hope.

Financially, if you have proof you have been supporting the both of you to whatever extent over the years, then you should have some sort of protection depending on the de-facto laws where you live. The home is in his name (I assume) so essentially, the roof over your head is not yours so you should think about your $$ situation and ensure you have at least something to fall back on should things change.

[woody]

Thanks T&C,

Understanding the need to have my own back is something I've thought of but at the same time I feel like if I even go there, it would be like assuming this relationship may fail and I'm one of those odd ball 'Universal' ladies that believes that if 'stuff' hit the fan, I'll be taken care of. It's happened before. I'm still here, alive.

Elephant has been addressed. OH, has it. And the word from all the gingerly approached conversations is, Denial. and then, a promise to try to decrease.
I know, I know, I'm worried about it big time. It's been years and years before my time with him. I know I wonder if I'm a sucker. but I do know he loves me too. Maybe we are both one anothers saviors in a way. time will tell

I must give this a few more years and if he is still doing the drink at this level, I will need to re access everything.

appreciate your words
I hope your having a great day
stay cool