So tired of being single!

[Lilia]

I don't like anyone and this is my biggest problem.
I got over 800 msgs on a dating site (not in 1 day) in about 8 months so I was able to check out those guys' profiles.
And I only had about 15 dates …I was disappointed cos I wasn't attracted to any of them except for 1 guy who wanted to date casually.
Most guys look very creepy on the pictures, may be they are fine guys in off line life but they clearly do not know how to present themselves on a dating site.
Also when I went on dates with those very few guys I knew that it wasn't going to work out… I only did it cos they were good conversationalists and seemed to have decent sense of humor and style. And I was simply bored. But the biggest disappointment for me was that they wouldn't act manly or confident, they were trying to please me in any way like I was a princess of some kind. And I was mean to them… Now please before criticizing me read this: these guys did it cos they only wanted sex. They didn't appreciate me as a person. If my personality mattered they would not put up with my terrible attitude.
So I am thinking.. how do I find a match? Where do I find a match? I am 25 and I was only attracted to like 3 guys in my entire life. That means I was attracted to zero guys in school, zero guys at university (I studied in 4 different universities, pls don't ask why). Then at work I had a crush on 1 guy, btw he was french. Then there were 2 guys who I thought I would bang like I wouldn't be disgusted if they touched me but it's not like I'd want to date them. Then my ex bf of course but I only dated him cos I had issues with my dad and he would act like my dad in a way.. Yes I know it sounds like I'm a very troubled person.
But now I am over it, I worked out my daddy issues and I am mature enough for a normal relationship. You might say that I should lower my standards but what does it mean? If i am not physically attracted to a guy and I start doing something sexual with him, I am going to feel like I'm about to vomite. It's like…Imagine that you r making out with a 90 year old lady. How does it feel? That's how it feels to me if I imagine making out with a person that I am not attracted to.
I tried being friends with a few good looking guys and they were also nice people, hoping that I'd get used to them with time and then I might feel attracted to them… but it didn't happen. I mean, I just knew they are conventionally good looking but still wasn't attracted to them.
You might think that I have low sexual drive but it's quite the opposite.
Recently I got a msg from a guy I might be attracted to in person but he lives in Italy and only comes to my country on business trips.
He is italian, (I got msgs from italian guys before and ignored them) so pls don't think that I only want to meet him cos he's italian.
But this relationship is going to be so complicated cos he might be looking for a short time fling but I don' care cos I'm so tired of not having sex. I'd have sex on the first date but I can't((( I don;t like anyone! What do I need to do? Why is it so hard??

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I know that I sound like a very shallow person. I am even embarrassed to read my post. (( but it's very hard to find a math when you just gross out by the only thought f making out with them. And you might say like "girl, get to know them, their personalty, try to connect on a personal lever first" But I tried all that! I have absolutely no problem connecting with people mentally. It's easy for me. I really like and respect guys but it's impossible to avoid sex in a relationship. And the only thought about doing it with a person I don't like physically(no matter how much I appreciate their personality) makes me sick in my stomach.

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And you might also say "find hobbies, find something else to do"
Let's not forget that I am 25. In a year or 2 I won't be able to get a high quality man cos I will be considered too old. I have to rush before my time expires. I live in Russia and here I'm already considered expired age - not very desirable, the competition for men is crazy here. That's why we have to wear heels and skirts all the time, we bend over backwards just to get that 1 man and then we cry ourselves to sleep every night because he is drunk all the time or a complete jerk and a loser.
I also get msgs from like 45 year old guys on a dating site telling me that I am old and should settle for them cos I'm already too old.
I laughed now, cos ya'll are probably thinking that I'm so crazy cos I am russian.

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Just 1 more thing, I think I lied when I said that I connect mentally easily…probably I can't connect… I am only able to connect sexually =( Wait.. I can't even connect sexually.=(

[nomas]

In summary, you really want to find a guy to settle down with, but you are quite picky and unwilling to change your standards.

You already alluded to something I would have suggested with the whole hobby thing, but I'll elaborate on that point just a tad.

In general, my suggestion is to drop the mindset that you HAVE to be with someone and that it HAS TO BE SOON. So, yeah, search for your passion and let that be the standard in your life. If you insist on a man, then you have no choice but to be patient if you are not willing to compromise your standards.

[Lilia]

Nomas, thank you.
I don't even have standards, all I was talking about was "a body response"
I wish I could change it but how do I change it?
It is like some ignorant people say that being gay is a choice and it's not. The same thing with me, when my vagina is wet for 1 guy and not for another it is not my choice at all, it is a physical response that I won't get even if I want to even when being extremely horny I can't get laid with a random person. And I know it's not just about the way they look, it's complex. It's about the way they speak, carry themselves, their confidence, ets…but I don't judge them with my brain, like no you are not good enough because you did this, or because you didn't do this. I only judge on how I feel towards that person, would I feel fine if I was physically intimate with them or it would feel wrong.

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"You already alluded to something I would have suggested with the whole hobby thing, but I'll elaborate on that point just a tad."
Haha, yes I knew it was coming. I have no problem with hobbies, why do people always suggest it? It's not even related to the subject.
It's like an ultimate response to all singles who feel bad about being single.
Like if the whole thread was about how i struggle in life for not finding the right hobby for me.
I would understand if the typical advice was "buy some sex toys" but nope. It's always about hobbies. Like they are going to help me have multiply orgasms or compensate for all those lonely nights and evenings when the only alive creature I can cuddle with is my dog.
And friends won't compensate for that either. I can't cuddle with my girlfriends and then have that special emotional connection with them that I can have only with a life partner.

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Why should I drop a mindset that I have to be with someone and soon?
I have hopes, I have plans, I go on dates I search for my happiness. What should I do instead? Buy 10 cats and become a crazy cat lady?
I don't know anyone in my social circle who I'd like to date.Should I just sit on my bottom(probably can't say an "A" word here) all day for months and wait for a prince on a white horse to knock on my door?
Not gonna happen. Nothing is gonna happen without my efforts.

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And I am so afraid that when I finally meet this person, he will be a player.=( Like it happened to me last November.
I am also thinking that they might be out of my league cos I am not a beauty queen. I am naturally pretty, I have a beautiful body but I don't have outstanding features. I am pretty, I've got conventionally attractive features, some say beautiful. But I feel it's just not enough. I am not outstandingly hot, or stunning or as some say "a knock out" .
And that means I should work on personality but I have no issues I am a genuine person I am not clingy, I am a caring person, I am quite outgoing, I like to have fun. I am also educated. But it is not enough. I just know that it is not enough because we live in a shallow word, in a sexualized word. And I won't not deny that I am shallow too. And a guy who I might want to have as a life partner won't commit, just because he would think he could find someone more special. I feel like I am complaining and my speech has no point… Sorry I am just spilling out all my insecurities and worries.=(

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I can't shut up, it's like I have OCD or something, lol.
You probably won't even read my bullshit.

[Exeter19]

i didn't read your whole post, should tldr at bottom for us with short attention spans.

but maybe online dating isn't for you, and you need to meet people one on one in real life and only people who live where you live not in different countries unless you do not want a day to day relationship.

25 in russia means a woman is expired? maybe you need to move countries.

[nomas]

I did read the whole thing since I feel somewhat vested in this thread now, and, yeah, sometimes you are just ranting, but that's okay. Sometimes we figure shit out on our own when we simply write it down or communicate it to someone else.

Only one thing to add: I didn't mean get a Hobbie in lieu of a love life. I said find a passion that may serve as a new goal for your life or at the very least as a distraction for not having the things you want NOW and can't seem to get.

[Lilia]

I did read the whole thing since I feel somewhat vested in this thread now, and, yeah, sometimes you are just ranting, but that's okay. Sometimes we figure shit out on our own when we simply write it down or communicate it to someone else.

Only one thing to add: I didn't mean get a Hobbie in lieu of a love life. I said find a passion that may serve as a new goal for your life or at the very least as a distraction for not having the things you want NOW and can't seem to get.

Thank you for reading the whole thing.
I am not an artist, I am a mediocre person who enjoys simple things in life.
It's hard for me to imagine making a new goal in life out of some simple hobby.
I do not like dancing or painting or taking pictures or studying anything.
ANd if I did it only to distract myself from my thoughts about dating I would hate doing it cos I'd be thinking "here I am, doing yoga…cos I don;t have a bf. So I have to sit here and do yoga…while other girls do their boyfriends. And I am lonely so I have to sit here and pretend that my life is not empty and that it has meaning." I know that no matter what I do it will never fill that empty space in my heart.
And I feel that I am going to be single for years…I even feel suicidal sometimes because I know that I am going to be single for a long time and it is not fun.

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i didn't read your whole post, should tldr at bottom for us with short attention spans.

but maybe online dating isn't for you, and you need to meet people one on one in real life and only people who live where you live not in different countries unless you do not want a day to day relationship.

25 in russia means a woman is expired? maybe you need to move countries.

I hate living in Russia, most people are racists and homophobic here.=(
How do I meet new people without dating sites?
I don't know anyone in my social circle who I'd like to date.
Where can I meet new people then?

[ParadiseLost]

Think problem here is that you are looking for guy instead of just going on with your life and just let right man come into your life naturally. Also you are almost lesbian because of 800 guys who messaged you you find attractive only 2. Thats like you like about 0,125% of guys. Okay find 5-10% guys attractive but not less than 1%. Too picky, you live in fairy tale. Who are you, a beauty queen? Even they hook up with basketball or football player and thats fine with them.

[Lilia]

Think problem here is that you are looking for guy instead of just going on with your life and just let right man come into your life naturally. Also you are almost lesbian because of 800 guys who messaged you you find attractive only 2. Thats like you like about 0,125% of guys. Okay find 5-10% guys attractive but not less than 1%. Too picky, you live in fairy tale. Who are you, a beauty queen? Even they hook up with basketball or football player and thats fine with them.

I am not lesbian but If I was I'd probably be able to hook up with a lot of women.
Cos I think there are a lot of pretty women.
I do not live in a fairy tale cos I hooked up with a guy in November and he satisfied me in all ways.
Do I have to be a beauty queen to be able to have sex with a man I find attractive? Nope.
My looks are good enough to sleep with any guy I want.
How can the right guy come to me naturally if I don't meet new people? I can wait for it for years and I would if I was 18 or 20 but I am 25.
In a year my chances to get a high quality guy will be lower. In Russia 25 is old.
Oh I forgot to say that I find a lot of english and american guys attractive. May be 10-20 percent of them.But I do not live in England.((
There is something that they have in common in their features.. like a strong chin and nice lips and their noses aren't bulbous.
I know it's superficial stuff but that's what I prefer. My first bf was also English.

[ParadiseLost]

Then if you find so little guys attractive and cant connect emotionally probably means you are still broken and cant really get over someone or something in your past.

[Lilia]

Then if you find so little guys attractive and cant connect emotionally probably means you are still broken and cant really get over someone or something in your past.

It's been this way all my life. and I am completely over my ex bf.
I don't know.. the guys I met acted like pussies. They texted me all the time. Like they would text me 15 mins after the first date "how r u?" then later "r u home? can we meet tomorrow?" Like seriously who makes plans for the second date on the same day and wants to meet as soon as possible? I don't want a desperate guy.
And then I'd be 1 hour late and they'd say nothing. Then I'd go shopping and they'd carry my bags and wait while I try on new shoes.(and I knew them for like 2 days). Crazy. The other guy almost cried on the first date while telling about his troubled childhood. Really? First date?
The other guy cancelled his business trip just to be able to see me as soon as possible. And I do not want this.
Now you might think that I'm very attractive that's why they acted this way. I don't know, I think it's only cos I have a vagina. That's the only thing they cared for.

[ParadiseLost]

Well the guy who cried probably thought you are nice and worth trusting. Guy who waited for hour probably hoped to have sex. And the rest guys who acted like gentleman - bet you had a lot of makeup on and looked like a Barbie girl.

[Lilia]

I just thought I am not picky at all. And here is the proof:
I think 30 % of the guys who wrote me were older than 30.
It's about 250 guys.
So there are only 550 guys left and then there's 10% of them who wrote an offensive sexual comment.
So I have only 500 guys left. The other 20 % of them wrote in their profiles that they want to date casually.
Now I have only 400 guys. 30% *of them had pictures of them standing in front of a mirror without a shirt on.
Which leaves me with only 280 guys.
Half of them looked like serial killers. No smile, just a creepy gloomy look in the camera.
Now I am left only with 140 guys.
And I had dates with 15 0f them.
140/15=9,333
That means I had a date with every 9th guy who wrote me and was normal.
And I had sex with one of them when he didn't want to commit but I had to accept it cos otherwise I'd get nothing at all.
Now how am I too picky? I am a normal woman with average standards.
Oh and let's not forget that there were a lot of guys who wrote me and they were like 18 or 20 years old. May be 10 percent of them or may be even more. ANd I don't want to feel like a child molester.

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Well the guy who cried probably thought you are nice and worth trusting. Guy who waited for hour probably hoped to have sex. And the rest guys who acted like gentleman - bet you had a lot of makeup on and looked like a Barbie girl.

I had some make up on and I probably looked cute but not like super hot or like a model. I also wore jeans and no high heels. I wonder what happens when a stunning girl goes on a date, how do guys act then? May be the same way, the only difference is that they will want her for a long term relationship and not just for a short time fling. But anyways I don't know why they acted this way with me. I mean, I am quite desperate too and when I see that they are even more desperate or less confident than me(and I am not a confident person) I see it as weakness and a red flag.
And despite being desperate they said some crazy things like "Gay people should be arrested and go to hell" or "broke up with my gf cos she wouldn't give me a blow job" "I hit a dog with a heavy object cos she bit me after I teased her" also they made racist comments. The only normal people were foreigners (a french and a german guy). And only 1 russian guy was normal(he didn't say anything aggressive about other people) but he was texting me all the time and cancelled his business trip and did other crazy things.
And I gave him a chance and also kept seeing the german guy(that's the guy who cried about his childhood). We were like friends and they hoped I'd like them eventually but it didn't happen.

[TablesandChairs]

When you go on dating sites, it's best not to go on dates just because you're bored; it's so easy to filter through what you want/don't want - if you don't find a guy attractive, don't proceed. If they sound like jerks/creeps on their profile, don't proceed. If you chat to them online and you find you have nothing in common or you don't like what they're saying, don't proceed. If you talk to them on the phone and they come across as racist, mean, idiotic, don't proceed.

If you find a person who ticks all the boxes (which can take some time and a lot of filtration), then go on a date. I'm not sure what the rules are in Russia but over here, if a guy is interested, he'll text or call the next day...sometimes that evening. It's no big deal. If you don't like that, just text back 'no thanks' and that's that.

No point playing silly games...making them carry your shopping or whatever. That's just a waste of time, you either like them or you don't. You're only 25, don't let old-world mentality affect you; this isn't the 1950's when people were married with kids by the age of 21.

[toknow]

First you need to find out what it is you want.

[Lilia]

First you need to find out what it is you want.

I think I know what I want. What made you think that I don't?