Not really sure what to think/do

[Lexeen80]

Hey everybody,

First, thank you for reading my little problem. I met a really wonderful guy some weeks back. It was this head over heels kind of thing that doesn't happen very often and when it does, one feels strange or childish or like a teenager in love. Well, I did not really voice my feelings until he did. I have to tell you that we are Eastcoast/Westcoast...meaning, it is a long-distance thing for now. We shared a whole week together and I will visit him again next week. That however, was just the introduction. We fell for each other, very hard. It's this 99.9% match, were you can check all the boxes on your "wish list". So after I returned home from my stay, he called me and told me that he was not entirely honest with me and he confessed that he had 2 kids from his prior marriage. I was shocked, not about the kids but about the fact that he didn't tell me. Nothing would have happened differently if he would have told me. I had one relationship in the past where I was with someone who already had a kid with his ex-wife. It was not a problem for me. I loved his son and we all got along great, including his ex-wife. No problems there. Well, yes, it was a learning experience for me. You just have to accept that there will always be a link with the ex-partner, that she has a special role and that you will never be the number 1 priority because there is a child involved. If you can handle all that, than a relationship of this sort can work for everybody. It did for me after some struggles in the beginning. Long story short, I would have understood if he would have been honest. But eventually he told me the truth and I was okay with it. Now however, they are on a family cruise together. They left on Saturday and are cruising international waters until next Saturday. He is a therapist so I understand his concept of co-parenting. We never talked about it but I am sure that is what, or let's say they, are trying to do. And I had the vacation thing in the past with my ex-partner. Back then it cost me a lot to accept it but this time around I was more understanding. I mean, after all it's all about the kids, or that's at least what he wants me to believe. Why, however, does he have to TURN OFF his phone during this whole trip? I understand that there is no or just expensive WIFI on a cruise ship and I also understand that no one wants to have huge roaming expenses, but excuse me....for a text message or two, just to say hi or at least "I am ok", I think he would have the money, right? I think it's just the most convenient way for him not to deal with it all. He is on his cruise, with his family, no time for the new girl? Or maybe he just doesn't want to explain to his ex-wife. But I thought things are, and I quote him "totally cool", with them? Why can't he be honest to her and if it's not the right time yet, why can't he at least try to make time to stay in touch with me. Normally he sends texts ALL DAY LONG, it's next to crazy. No matter if he has his kids or not...he is really Omni-present in my daily life. I do NOT expect that from him and less on a cruise ship. But why go from 100 to zero, just like that? Why is it so easy for him? Yes, I believe that they are separated and I even believe that he is divorced. He lives alone, I know because I saw his apartment and I will be visiting him and staying with him next week. But ..... even though I have lived in a relationship like that before, something strikes me as weird. Is it just me, am I exaggerating or being a drama queen? I would so much appreciate your input, guys. I don't know what to think anymore. I guess I was pretty cool and easy going in accepting all this. Not to forget....he says he loves me and he fell head over heels for me and that he never, not even in his baby momma's case, felt so strongly in the beginning....but right now I'd say that, as always, actions speak louder than words, no? THANK YOU for your input!!
Hugs,
Lexeen

[hoxtonchris]

Hey everybody,

First, thank you for reading my little problem. I met a really wonderful guy some weeks back. It was this head over heels kind of thing that doesn't happen very often and when it does, one feels strange or childish or like a teenager in love. Well, I did not really voice my feelings until he did. I have to tell you that we are Eastcoast/Westcoast...meaning, it is a long-distance thing for now. We shared a whole week together and I will visit him again next week. That however, was just the introduction. We fell for each other, very hard. It's this 99.9% match, were you can check all the boxes on your "wish list". So after I returned home from my stay, he called me and told me that he was not entirely honest with me and he confessed that he had 2 kids from his prior marriage. I was shocked, not about the kids but about the fact that he didn't tell me. Nothing would have happened differently if he would have told me. I had one relationship in the past where I was with someone who already had a kid with his ex-wife. It was not a problem for me. I loved his son and we all got along great, including his ex-wife. No problems there. Well, yes, it was a learning experience for me. You just have to accept that there will always be a link with the ex-partner, that she has a special role and that you will never be the number 1 priority because there is a child involved. If you can handle all that, than a relationship of this sort can work for everybody. It did for me after some struggles in the beginning. Long story short, I would have understood if he would have been honest. But eventually he told me the truth and I was okay with it. Now however, they are on a family cruise together. They left on Saturday and are cruising international waters until next Saturday. He is a therapist so I understand his concept of co-parenting. We never talked about it but I am sure that is what, or let's say they, are trying to do. And I had the vacation thing in the past with my ex-partner. Back then it cost me a lot to accept it but this time around I was more understanding. I mean, after all it's all about the kids, or that's at least what he wants me to believe. Why, however, does he have to TURN OFF his phone during this whole trip? I understand that there is no or just expensive WIFI on a cruise ship and I also understand that no one wants to have huge roaming expenses, but excuse me....for a text message or two, just to say hi or at least "I am ok", I think he would have the money, right? I think it's just the most convenient way for him not to deal with it all. He is on his cruise, with his family, no time for the new girl? Or maybe he just doesn't want to explain to his ex-wife. But I thought things are, and I quote him "totally cool", with them? Why can't he be honest to her and if it's not the right time yet, why can't he at least try to make time to stay in touch with me. Normally he sends texts ALL DAY LONG, it's next to crazy. No matter if he has his kids or not...he is really Omni-present in my daily life. I do NOT expect that from him and less on a cruise ship. But why go from 100 to zero, just like that? Why is it so easy for him? Yes, I believe that they are separated and I even believe that he is divorced. He lives alone, I know because I saw his apartment and I will be visiting him and staying with him next week. But ..... even though I have lived in a relationship like that before, something strikes me as weird. Is it just me, am I exaggerating or being a drama queen? I would so much appreciate your input, guys. I don't know what to think anymore. I guess I was pretty cool and easy going in accepting all this. Not to forget....he says he loves me and he fell head over heels for me and that he never, not even in his baby momma's case, felt so strongly in the beginning....but right now I'd say that, as always, actions speak louder than words, no? THANK YOU for your input!!
Hugs,
Lexeen

sorry mate hes useing you,he would contact you somehow during the cruise.why not find a guy who is upfront from the start ,and during the middle and hopefully at the end.good luck

[Lexeen80]

Hi,
Thank you for your honest opinion. It just sucks because up til now, all was pretty much "picture perfect". Isn't it weird how fast things can change and "love" can turn into "ok, now you gotta wait a week until I am back".
Have a nice day.

[Lexeen80]

So noone else has an opinion for me??

[nico88]

Are you 100% sure he's actually single? Sounds like he could be still married but looking for a thing on the side and using his kids as the excuse to not always be around when you call/text...

[Lexeen80]

Hey Nico. Yes, well, they are seperated bc he lives in his own apartment and I was going to visit and stay with him next week. That would make me think he told me partly the truth. Are they really divorced and how long are they actually divorced, idk. However, how he handles this Cruise thing right now, I am not so sure anymore. I am doubting everything right now and feel horrible. It felt totally real, so why is he doing that now? Am I overreacting??

[TablesandChairs]

Keep your eyes open, if something smells fishy, it probably is.

Like you, I've been in relationships where kids were involved; the first was totally cool - him and his ex were well and truly divorced, no links except the child; there were no 'family' holidays, everything was separate. No issues introducing me to his daughter or his ex.

So, the fact that he has to turn his phone off is a red flag - he doesn't want risk talking to you/texting you with his partner around. Why? Because clearly, they're not as 'over' as you think.

Secondly - when people are truly 'over', they tend not to take holidays together - even when kids are involved. It sends a confusing message and most ex's don't want to be stuck together for a long period of time - even if they do get along okay.

The fact that he didn't mention the kids is one thing - but I think he hasn't mentioned quite a few things that would be game changers for you.

Proceed with caution; I've found men who live double lives can be doubly charming.

[nico88]

The fact that he does have his own place is a good sign that he was being truthful to you about the separation, so forget what I said about him not really being single. When you're on a cruise (depending on the cruise line and your cell phone provider) you do get charged roaming and international fees so it could be he has his cell off because of that reason alone. So maybe don't read too much into that right now.

Wait till he gets home and if you still don't hear from him then I'd be a little concerned..

[evilgurl80]

If when you do go an visit him it would probably be best to keep your eyes open to any clues that he has more going on with his kids mom then just "co-parenting" - is she calling or texting a lot, does he go have private conversations a lot, any weird late night trips to the store or gas station. The cruise could be just what he says - just a co-parenting thing but next week could be very telling into what is really going on ... until you can make a better decision regarding what the relationship is I would just not say anything and see what happens! Good Luck

[Lexeen80]

Hi, thank you so much for your insight. It's so nice to talk to someone that already lived in a relationship where kids (not the own) are involved. As I wrote, my first one was problematic in the beginning because I didn't know how to handle certain things, but it worked out fine. In this case, I had the feeling he was honest after telling me about his kids. I didn't even doubt that he and his ex are "over". But now I do doubt and as you said, it just smells fishy. I get that we cannot text all the time because it would be expensive. But to send me one or two texts in 7 freaking days to tell me that he is still alive or that all is good, that would have been the least of respect that he should have shown me. I was very respectful and understanding to this whole thing with the vacation and stuff...but I totally agree with you, if you are really OVER, and as he said "totally cool" than why the turning the cell phone off and giving me the feeling as if I would be a "sweet little secret" - that is not what I signed up for cause I would never get involved with a family man or anything like that. I will proceed with caution and when he gets back and he still contacts me (you never know, maybe he changed his mind now after all) than I will have the appropriate questions waiting for him. I am not a yeller or fighter, but I do have my pride and I feel kind of pushed to the side. THANK YOU again for your interesting response.

- - - Updated - - -

Hello, thank you for your reply. I was actually considering not saying anything, being just all "nicey nice" when he comes back after ignoring me a full week and to just take next week as my guideline. But am I really able to do that. Do I wanna go from the Eastcoast to the Westcoast having this anger and all those questions inside me? I don't know if I can. Although I think, as you said, the visit there will be WAY more telling than anything he could reply to my questions. Maybe I can pull it off....I am not really someone to play games but I have never been in a situation like that. And yes, I can understand the co-parenting thing, but why do I have the feeling he turned his phone of due to convenience reason? So his "ex" does not see him texting or so he does not have to give any kind of explanation. He probably really thinks I am cool with the situation as is, but I am not. You cannot tell someone you love them and then just disappear for a whole week...knowing that this "someone you love" knows you are on a cruise ship with nowhere to go with your "ex"-partner. That is not very fair. But you are right, I keep it low for now and next week will tell it all, I really think so. THANK YOU again for replying.

[evilgurl80]

I understand its hard to not say anything before the trip what sucks is if you did say something he would have full knowledge of what to and not to do while you there and if you didn't say anything you would get a feel for the ACTUAL situation opposed to what he wants you to see. But i'm a girl and I know exactly how it is in regards to keeping your mouth shut!

[Lexeen80]

haha, yes exactly. And now, that he kind of silenced me for a whole week, it's even worse. You know, that is actually the worst part. That it's so easy to just cut me out. I mean, that alone shows his total priority, doesn't it? I always think that I am exaggerating. I just don't wanna go all the way over there, for 6 days, and then regret it or end up in a huge fight. I rather tell him on Saturday or Sunday (if he contacts me again, you never know) "listen, you handled this situation totally wrong"..but then again, I am so curious as to what is going on over there. And being there personally, I could get the total truth. Maybe he told me the truth all along and I am just being paranoid.

[Cancer]

I'm sorry but I think you were fooled..
High cost is definitely not the reason of No communication in his whole cruise..even it's the request of his kids, he should have told you and then turn off the cell, because he know you would worried if you can't contact him.
Wait, and see.. Postpone the plan to stay with him next week..

[Lexeen80]

I'm sorry but I think you were fooled..
High cost is definitely not the reason of No communication in his whole cruise..even it's the request of his kids, he should have told you and then turn off the cell, because he know you would worried if you can't contact him.
Wait, and see.. Postpone the plan to stay with him next week..

Yeah, slowly but surely it seems that way, doesn't it. If I postpone the trip though, and I already have my ticket, I will never know what's really going on. And I need to know, just for myself. I would be surprised if I was totally worng about him. I don't think I am. I just think that he mixed up the truth with some "half-truth" to not lose me entirely...as another user said, there would have been game changers for me and apparently he wanted to avoid that. Now, that he pushes me aside for a week, I don't know exactly what his deal is. I am upset!

[Lexeen80]

Hey Nico.
Thanks again for answering. Yeah, I try not to read too much into it, but it's kind of too late now for that. I have heavy duty doubts in my mind of pretty much everything he said to me. I am not even sure anymore, maybe they are super recently separated and he was just to much of a chicken to tell me the whole truth cause he thought I might not go with it. Which is right, I wouldn't have. But ok....maybe I should calm down and let him explain this behaviour of not contacting me for the entire cruise. Roaming, however, or fear of cost, or anything like that, will not be an acceptable explanation. I want a reason not an excuse. I guess I will hear from him, I don't how though what he is going to tell me. From "I love you with all my heart" to "hey listen, I go back with my wife", everything is possible right now.