My marriage and confused with my decision

[Zain786Abdullah]

I am married for 4 years inter-religion love marriage. Lots of struggle and issues, convinced our parents and got married.Both the side Parents were happy as we ensured that they are not hurted.

My husband, was a playful, ignorant, less ambitious guy, didnt know what life is and how to live it. I had always been a motivator,guide,friend, mother and a lover to my husband. Even he was a real good friend to me.
I wanted us to get all necessities of life, earn, focus on spiritual, finiancial, professional and personal goals of life. I had always been systematic and target achieving.

I trained him well, polished him, made him realize of all good that he has in him, encouraged him. Created goals for him and holded his hand in every step to achieve those goals. He was very dedicated and he was like a kid, listened to me and walked on it. he respected me alot and always been obedient and dedicated in anything he does and achieved everything almost.
All his friends, family, parents were shocked to see the change, we started from zero and really got settled. People knew it was me behind his growth, but she appreciate our marriage.

But as a Wife, I always had issues with love and sex life. Romance was really far from our life, the more I started making up his goals clear to him in life, he started getting more deeper into it, he became materialistic. Though I was holding his hand in every steps, he was more ignorant about me. I would rush home early expecting that I can have some good time with him, but as soon as I reach I find him happy browsing, being on facebook or watching youtube videos. I get disappointed and go back continue some household activities. Slowly I started coming home late. I started feeling very much lonely. He would not miss me wen im not there for 2 days.
Within few month of marriage I noticed that he likes me respects me, obeys me but more as a friend and guide not as a wife or lover. No physical closeness, he would sleep very early. I started making him understand that life is not only about your happiness you should also think of your partners happiness. My happiness is in you, if I get your time and have good chat I would be most happiest. He would listen and agree but wont act on it.

Sex- Right from the beginning, he had not liked me physically. I weigh more than him, 157 cm 74 kgs. He had very low- libido right from the beginning. Even first night we did not enjoy with each other. He was tiered and we slept. Initially for few months we shared some time on bed(not regularly) but soon he was bored. Whenever I want him, he started avoiding. Later on he started commenting on every part of my body, later started comparing my body with other sexy girls. He started making me feel that Iam not good looking and so he is not getting attracted towards me and not getting into mood for sex.
I started working on weight reduction, but I used to give up frequently, again keep trying and fail. Life moved on, I started diverting myself and keep myself busy in maintaining home and work. I found him every more worst, his mind was only thinking of money, home, materials. Whereas Sex, Love, Romance, Family, emotions was getting washed off completely. Once in two weeks for sake of doing it we used to get physically close.
To have sex, and to get him mood. I should either get dressed up hot, or watch porn, or narrate and play some erotic stories. Only then he would get into mood and we would have sex. I would browse and check and would find that he has issue and has low libido, when I explain him and ask to get treated he would instead point his fingers and blame me that all guys are like him only and he is normal, where as it is me who wants it frequently and I have issues.

I used to make him realize of his mistake like a kid and show him right way. He would listen but waste. No improvements.
Life was changing for me badly, loneliness was eating me up. If I want to talk to him, he is busy with some junk on facebook, youtube, TV, and friends. I was getting mad.I was so irritated that I wanted to quit my marriage and be away.After two years I warned him strictly, that if he continues changing meaning of life I would leave him and go away. As usual he would promise me that he will change and take things seriously, but zero results.

Then, I thought Kid would be the only way to save my marriage. I started taking treatment as I have PCO. He never like kids so on mutual understanding we had no kids for 3 years, then to save my marriage I decided to have kids even he agreed. During treatment I found that even during ovulation period we would have sex very rare and missing my dates. Then I strongly suggested him for doctor. I took telephone consultation. Finally, got to know from doctor that he actually has a mental blocker for sex and he has no interest in it. He had this issue even before marriage but never took it as issue and ignored. So doctor said me that it is not curable because it is personal interest of a human and my case is rare. If he loves you atleast for yoru happiness he will satisfy
you, whereas he is meaningful and comes to you only when he needs you not when you need him.
I decided not to have kids, as my parents his parents and he, none are interested in kids and what if I quit him, I will have additional responsibilities of kid... So I said him I dont want kids, he
was happy for it and said he is ok with my decision. He just said ok for kids to keep me diverted from him and my parents.

I says he wants me to have an independent life, he doesnt want me to love him like crazy. He wants me to be his wife but not dedicate my life for him. He is happy if Iam with my friends, he wants me to live for myself not for him. But Iam happy for living for him, I was happy to love him care for him. But he said, you love me 100%, but I want only 60% of love, you keep 40% to yourself and love yourself and be happy. That hurted me to the core, if a person can meaure love and say that he doesnt need my love. Then he doesnt deserve my love, Iam actually wasting my life and loving a person who doesnt need and deserve it at all.

I had only 3 requirements from life and from my husband. I wanted him to respect my parents and talk to them few kind words as they are really aged. He never did that, he always failed. Never even for their age he bothered and respected them. I wanted a loving husband who will know the meaning of physcial closeness and atleast a hug that will make me feel the warmth ofl ove, I just want a peaceful life where we will know value for each others presence in our life. But he is always busy and happy in his own way.

I have now clearly decided that I would better quit my married life. I said him my final decision. He never took it seriously even now, after a great effort now he understood that my decision is final. I said it to my parents and his parents, none are taking it seriously. They are advising me to continue with him. My parents are scared of my marriage breakup. My mom instead tells me that
even if Iam not happy its fine, just live with him for society and for their respect in society. My parents says that sex and kids are not the only happiness you have everything else in life be happy and continue.

My husband has many friends and they are only visitors to our home, one of his friends stays close to our home and we are really close. He had met with couple of accidents that has turned his life completely, he has challenges physically, his life needs a person who can understand him and be happy. His only goal of life is to be happy just like me. He was bed ridden for 3 years and those 3 years has changed his life. He knows what is life and how much blessed a person is to have good relations. He is very close friend of my husband. He sees me struggling for love, he also sees my husband ignoring me and not caring my love. He sees us carefully and he advice my husband not to be ignorant and be happy for the blessings god has given him.

We were good friends for a year, and later we both started getting some personal time as my husband is really ignorant and always busy, we both started talking more, my husband is least possessive and he had no problem me talking and being close to his friend.
We share so much that we feel really comfortable with each other, we feel that we both are alone, we both are someone whom we were looking for life long. How I see life even he sees it in the same way. For us love is something that we look for and remaining all next. If we both are married we would be really happy. We both with time fell in love, but knowing fact tat he is my husbands friend and im his friends wife we are creating boundaries.

But I worry that I would leave my first love behind, how his life would be? If I struggle convince my parents, get divorced and marry my friend.. and one day if i see my husband alone.. I would suffer. I worry so much... Its like I love them both... but one will return me love the other will be only one sided... wat to choose...????

[peterwong]

I read your entire post.

I don't have any idea what you should do, but your post touched me and gave me some insight into what love means. Thank you.

I hope everything works out for you.