New girlfriend sleeps over at male friend's house

[Lovewut]

I have been dating this girl for 4 months, and we have just decided to become exclusive and have a relationship. I like her a lot, we have a lot of chemistry, and we get along really well.

We've been in a relationship for less than a week and have already hit a major snag. The other day she had a 'sleepover' with her male friend, Jack (name changed for privacy). She went to his house to watch a movie, and she had to work in his neighbourhood the next morning. They did not (according to her) sleep in the same bed. I consider myself pretty accommodating and progressive when it comes to opposite-sex friendships, but I draw the line at sleepovers.

Background 1: Her and Jack have been longtime friends. They have slept together and dated, but she tells me this was over 10 years ago. Her and Jack did not really speak for several years because Jack's girlfriend was not comfortable with their friendship. She has also had trouble with other boyfriends regarding her friendship with Jack. For this reason she is very sensitive about people being controlling about their friendship

Background 2: I am best friends with one of my ex-girlfriends, Jill. We dated for 10 years and it ended 3 years ago (it is not my most recent relationship). I am acutely aware that this is a sensitive spot for potential mates, and I am very careful with my behaviour to make girls I am dating (and Jill's boyfriend) comfortable with our friendship. For example, I would never plan to sleep at Jill's house...

Back to the story: I told Jill that I am ok with her being friends with Jack, but I am not comfortable with sleepovers. I told her that I need my partner to not do that (I probably should have worded it more to outline that I was uncomfortable, but we don't always choose the right words) She did not take it well, and told me it was "non-negotiable." She said that she does not view her male and female friends differently and does not modify her behaviour with friends when she is in a relationship. She tried to tell me that she wanted to deal with 'where the feeling was coming from' so that I wouldn't feel that way. I don't want a partner to change my feelings, I want her to respect them.

I'm at a loss as to what to do now. I feel really stressed because this is the first and only thing I have asked her to do to respect my feelings. If she will not compromise on this, will she compromise on anything? I feel like she is accusing me of being controlling, but I feel like asking her to not sleep at other guys' houses is a small and reasonable request. For me, having respected boundaries is an important part of a relationship. I feel like I am pretty relaxed and progressive when it comes to opposite-sex-friendship boundaries compared to other guys, and she may be taking advantage of this.

What my options are here? I can try to talk to her about it some more, but she seems pretty clear that she will not change for me. I can try to accept it and deal with it, but I know myself well enough to know that the next time this happens I will be very hurt and sad. And the closer I get to this girl, and the more committed we become, the more this will hurt me. Or, I can decide to not be in a relationship with someone who will not accept my boundaries, and who will not modify behaviour to protect our relationship.

I know that compromise is important in a relationship, but I don't know what kind of compromise can work here. I really like this girl, and want to make it work, but I don't know what to do. Does anyone have advice?

[searock]

Nope! She shouldn't even be watching movies alone with him, at his place. It's breaking a relationship boundary.

WTF - they actually dated and had sex in the past... this is a huge red flag. I suggest you end things with her, she's currently unable to be in an emotionally+sexually monogamous relationship.

[Wakeup]

Its amazing how all these silly same stories are coming from Canada. Can the troll change up the country for a change?

[dem862]

You don't trust her. This relationship is not built on a good foundation.

[Lord Darkshire]

If it were me I would have discussed this before even considering dating her. Her relationship with her friend is not appropriate. Yes there has to be certain boundaries set when in a relationship and she needs to get this through her head. We all had to adjust our relationship, how we spend time with others etc. Our SO must come first, you become a partnership, you're best friends, the one you turn to, confide in, etc. There is no "controlling" factor there, you do it out of "respect" for your partner.

You have let this go on too long, and I can't see her backing down. IMO you should end it and find someone who is on the same page, and has respect for your relationship.

[smackie9]

I agree with Searock, she IS emotionally unavailable. Stop wasting your time.

One day when all her friends are married off and she's all alone, she will figure it out her stubbornness is why no guy wants to stay with her. She's an idiot.

[michelle23]

I think you are both as bad as each other. I dont understand why people keep exes in their life. All this drama could be avoided... Why do you insist in keeping your ex in your life even though you know that it can and has caused problems in your relationships? Maybe you would be married now if you chose to cut ties with her 4 years ago but a lot of potential mates (who could be amazing for you) will run a mile from a guy who is still so close to his ex.. and now you are seeing why its such an issue coz new girl is doing the same and you really dont like it.

[basilandthyme]

Your needs in a relationship are sensible - so don't second guess yourself here. And you don't sound controlling to me....You're not telling her what she has to do - you're telling her what you're willing to accept in your life. BIG difference.

It's her prerogative to continue as she is. But it's your prerogative to not to keep dating a girl who's choices aren't compatible with your needs. I suggest you tell her that you've made a mistake in thinking that the two of you are compatible and dump her.

Lastly, as this has been an ongoing issue with her in past relationships, she would appear to be very slow on the uptake. Does she really think that they are ALL wrong?

[IndiReloaded]

Bad news... his ex had a problem with their 'friendship' with good reason.

To quote an old LF alum "friend don't f.uck friends..."

[XyOh]

I don't think her behavior is inappropriate, but it sounds like you were being very reasonable about what your needs in the relationship are. If she doesn't wish to cooperate, that's a perfectly fine decision for her to make. Now it's up to you to decide if this a relationship you can eventually be comfortable with. If not, you'll have to say your goodbyes before you feel any resentment.

[Wakeup]

I don't think her behavior is inappropriate,

Why don't you think her behaviour is inappropriate? Is it because you hang out with your male friend doing date like activities while not including your significant other? That would be the only reason that anyone would not think that her behaviour is inappropriate to her SO is if you have a proclivity to do the same thing.

Perhaps if the Op's gf keeps being told "goodbye" she'll come to realize that acting single while in a committed relationship is not a productive thing regarding her emotional well being to be doing. (???)

Bottom line is you and her don't have the same relationship boundaries, Op and if she's not willing to give up her one-on-one play time with her "friend" then you are much better off without her.

[XyOh]

Why did you disregard everything I said after that comma? I said that the OP is being COMPLETELY REASONABLE and since she doesn't want to cooperate, he might have to leave her. So yes, he'll tell her "goodbye" as you say. His girlfriend has every right to refuse to change her friendship and he has every right to break up with her if he's uncomfortable with it - especially if they can't cooperate.

[masticate]

It's pretty straightforward. You have told her that she is violating your relationship boundaries and she has told you she doesn't care and would rather assert her superiority of moral judgement than consider the validity of your own perspective. You - will - not - get - your - way - here so maybe hit the highway like they've said.... or drop the idea of exclusivity as that's apparently the only way you get to be with her. Is she special in other ways?

[Wakeup]

Why did you disregard everything I said after that comma? I said that the OP is being COMPLETELY REASONABLE and since she doesn't want to cooperate, he might have to leave her. So yes, he'll tell her "goodbye" as you say. His girlfriend has every right to refuse to change her friendship and he has every right to break up with her if he's uncomfortable with it - especially if they can't cooperate.

Why do you think I disregarded it? I wanted to know why YOU don't think her having no relationship boundaries is NOT inappropriate. What you said after that has been said several times already prior to you saying it. That's why, nothing more, nothing less.

[XyOh]

I don't think it's inappropriate because she did nothing to violate his trust. He then addressed this by saying he was not comfortable with her actions anyway. This doesn't mean she was behaving badly, it means their relationship can't work by lack of mutual respect for the others feelings. She says, "Not changing." Therefore he has two choices: he needs to get over it or say goodbye.