Two boyfriends?

[allymareek]

This is sort of a long story about a relationship type that isn't exactly "normal" so thankyou in advance for reading and giving advice without judging.

I have a boyfriend (let's call him Craig) and he and I have a comfortable open relationship. Basically we have to be open and honest about what we are doing with other people and stay safe, and that's pretty much it. We've been together for just over six months, and Craig has not hooked up with anyone else. I have no reason not to believe him when he says that as he'd have no real benefit from lying.

I was the one who suggested the open relationship in the first place, and have taken advantage of it. I don't like to hook up with strangers, but I've slept with one or two of my friends. Craig is totally okay with this and has met the friends and sort of high-fived them for it.

Here is where it gets sort of complicated: Craig has moved overseas (for potentially two years) and we have decided to give it a go as a long distance relationship. We talk all the time on Skype and I will be going to visit him for a couple of weeks in August. We are still very much in love. However, since he has been gone I have become very close with a guy that I work with, called Sam. Sam is probably my best friend, and shortly after Craig left, he and I started sleeping together regularly. Craig knows about this but no one else does, as I don't feel comfortable with people from work knowing about it.

I get intensely jealous of Sam - I can't handle the thought of him with other women (he's relatively promiscuous) and it makes me doubt our friendship. Realistically I know that this feeling is through insecurity - for example, I have no jealously with Craig because I know I am always the most important person in his life. Sam did get a girlfriend for a short period of time and had basically no time for me then, which is probably why I stress so much about it.

Last Friday night, after a few drinks at the pub, Sam and I were talking about all sorts of things and hypothetical relationships, and he basically came out and said that he'd be my boyfriend if I wanted him to be and was no longer seeing Craig. I don't know how to feel about this - I love him dearly, and ideally I'd have both men. I know Craig would accept this, even when he comes back to live here, but it seems Sam wouldn't. I don't want to lose the close friendship I have with him now, but I'm worried that this revelation is going to have an effect.

I guess my main dilemma is this:
How do I keep the close relationship that I have with Sam after this?
I don't want to lose him as a friend because we can't have the relationship that he mentioned he'd like.

Assuming we stay close, is there any way I can stop being so jealous about Sam when I don't have any real right to exclusivity from him (or stop him from hooking up with other women without being unreasonable, haha)?


Any advice would be very much appreciated!

[searock]

There is no way you are going to be friends with Sam after you stop sleeping with him. It would be very selfish of you to try to guilt him into being friends with you.

Not to mention, you would suffer too, because you are jealous of him. Does your boyfriend know that you have such strong feelings for Sam? Is he ok with it?

Honestly, I don't think the long distance thing is going to work between you two. Most humans naturally seek emotional connections as well as sexual, so you are bound to develop feelings for someone else even if you break it off with Sam.

I think what you want isn't just an open relationship. You want to be with more than one guy and for all of them to be emotionally exclusive with you (and you also want to be able to sleep with other guys, which is the "open" part of the relationship). There's nothing wrong with this, however, you need to find guys that feel the same exact way, or else somebody is bound to get hurt (as is happening right now).

[masticate]

It's called polyandry (when a woman takes multiple lovers) and it's relatively rare in Western society and you are lucky to have had such support thus far.

I don't think you have a future with either of these men but I don't see the harm in putting a grinding halt to everything either. Play it out... and wait for a third to enter who is dominant over you. That's my advice.

A question: are you even a hint bisexual?

[allymareek]

We haven't necessarily stopped sleeping together and I see no reason why we would stop in the near future. If it comes up, I would obviously want to continue the friendship with him as I hope our friendship isn't just based on sex (we do plenty of other stuff together) but it's not like I'd try to force him to hang out with me.

Boyfriend knows, is totally chill. He and I are pretty well compatible with this.

I don't necessarily want everyone to be emotionally exclusive with me, I think I just want to KNOW that we are the same level of importance in each other's lives. So I'd expect someone that I feel strongly about to demonstrate the same strong feelings, and someone that I only know casually to also consider me the same way. That's not just in romantic relationships, that part is important to be with my friends too.
It's like when you were in school - nothing worse than your best friend saying that someone else is their best friend.

My original plan was just to act the same as always and that if it was that important to Sam, he'd bring it up again sober and in a way that allowed us to talk it out to a satisfying conclusion for him.

Thank you though, your thoughts are very helpful in clarifying mine.

- - - Updated - - -

masticate - nope, other people's vaginas gross me out. I'm not attracted to women either sexually or romantically

[masticate]

masticate - nope, other people's vaginas gross me out. I'm not attracted to women either sexually or romantically

Maybe you don't have that much to bring to the table.

I'm not trying to imply too much, just that you're in a tough spot and don't have a lot of bargaining power. The value of your vagina is on the decline too.

[searock]

Maybe you don't have that much to bring to the table.

I'm not trying to imply too much, just that you're in a tough spot and don't have a lot of bargaining power. The value of your vagina is on the decline too.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Allymareek, it doesn't matter that your friendship isn't based on sex. I wouldn't even call it a friendship - friends aren't sexually attracted to each other. This guy has feelings for you and if you stop sleeping with him, you are not going to have any friendship at all because it would be uncomfortable and painful.

I wasn't asking whether your boyfriend knows that you are sleeping with Sam, I was asking if he knew that you have such strong feelings for him. Does he know you are possessive and jealous over another man, is he ok with the level of emotional intimacy you have with this other man?

Also, sorry but based on what you've said, it does sound like you basically want both guys all to yourself, emotionally speaking. You want Sam AND your boyfriend to see you as the most important woman in their lives (apart from family). That's ok, but you're going to have to find guys that are ok with that.

[masticate]

What the f*ck are you talking about?

I was just wondering the same thing actually.

I will take my cynicism elsewhere and be sure to close the door behind me .

[michelle23]

Maybe you just want these men all to yourself but you expect them to share you.. narcissistic much??

Or your not that into craig since your cool being "open" with him but you want monogamy with sam.

Your not making much sense

[dem862]

It is definitely a women's market right now. It is amazing what a woman can get away with now that she couldn't a few decades ago. Just string Sam along for as long as you can, as the "other" man. It used to be generally woman that fell for that kind of malarky, but hey it's modern times.

[searock]

dem, you don't think there are men out there doing the same things?

It's not a women's market, it's a people's market. Both men and women are doing things like this.

[dem862]

Well, I hear of more and more women doing this.

[searock]

Do you also hear of less and less men doing this?

[Wakeup]

It is definitely a women's market right now. It is amazing what a woman can get away with now that she couldn't a few decades ago. Just string Sam along for as long as you can, as the "other" man. It used to be generally woman that fell for that kind of malarky, but hey it's modern times.

Yes, seems more and more women have been trained by men to "exercise their options."

Did you know that when a baby is first born that mother nature makes it mostly look like the father so that the father will stay and help rear his offspring. Men are soon going to have to carry around a DNA paternity kit. 0.o

[dem862]

I don't really hear of any more men doing it.

- - - Updated - - -

Yes, seems more and more women have been trained by men to "exercise their options."

Did you know that when a baby was first born that it mostly looks like the father so that the father will stay and help rear his offspring. Men are soon going to have to carry around a DNA paternity kit. 0.o

Perhaps we will see a resurgence of the chastity belt. I just hope it's not the male version. O.o

[Wakeup]

I don't really hear of any more men doing it.

No? Seems then that they are still the majority.

I just hope it's not the male version. O.o

Caged wiener. lol