Various Questions - Need advice from women (and maybe helpful tips from men too?)

[soccerguy987]

Hi,

I have some questions that I have and wish to get various opinions from women on this forum. Please answer accordingly to its numeral number. Thank you.

1 - What major qualities do you look for in a guy and what type of mindset does this guy have when he first meets you?

2 - Scenario time. Tell me the positive and negatives of these two separate people and what they can do to improve their personality/look etc.
I'll give you two options/ scenarios.
i. A nice guy. He's average looking, build etc. He's nice, caring, genuine and knows how to treat a girl well. He's not "dirty", a player or anything like that. He's just genuine. He doesn't eye up girls in clubs, he rather find someone special and someone that he kind find a genuine connection with.
ii. A jock. He's a lot bigger and a big player. He can pretty much get with any girl he wants.

3 - Is a "nice guy" date-able? I have been called "nice" amongst similar adjectives by several people. I have just started work and one of my co-workers said I was very "polite". One of my friends at university introduced me to her friend and called me "the most nicest person you'll ever meet" - a great thing to say about me; but is it a positive adjective/mindset that would get me into a relationship? I've been called "sweet, nice etc" by several other people too. For those wondering what I'm like (I'm 19, university/college student. I've never dated/kissed a girl and I am a virgin)

4 - Is virginity worth holding onto? Is virginity worth the experience of having it with someone special - rather than being every other guy and doing it with people you meet in clubs?

I look forward to seeing some response.

Your friend
-soccerguy987

[basilandthyme]

Neither the jock or the 'nice guy' you describe would get dated by me.

As a general rule, I go for nice guys, but the nice guy you describe sounds like he'd be put straight into the friend zone because he's not displaying any of his sexuality. You see, he needs to balance all that thoughtfulness with a big dose of dirty. Throw in some innuendos. A sneaky hint that you find me sexually desirable.

I'd also be wary of him knowing 'how to treat girls well'. Thing is, not all girls want the same thing. Yes, most want to be listened to and have their thoughts and ideas respected....but further than that, I don't think there's a rule of how to treat girls.

As far as saving virginity for someone special? Total deal breaker. I would never have wanted that responsibility put on me.....and besides, he might have expected the same from me.

[soccerguy987]

Hi!

Thanks for the very quick post and many apologies for the delay! That post was very detailed so I like that!

Would love to hear what other females may think....or any males who would like to share their experiences/opinions.

Thanks!

[searock]

I'm going to assume that you imply "a guy you want to have a relationship with" and not just a random hook up.

1 - What major qualities do you look for in a guy and what type of mindset does this guy have when he first meets you?

First of all, he must be a genuinely good guy. Not a fake "nice guy", I mean an honest, compassionate, good guy. He also needs to be about as smart as I am or it won't work out in the long run. We must have a compatible sense of humor and of course, I must be attracted to him (which includes good personal hygiene, that's basic). He needs to be confident - not cocky. As for his mindset, that would depend on what I'm looking for. If I'm looking for a relationship, I would hope that he is also looking for a relationship. Also, I'm not down with the whole "let's not be exclusive until we talk about it". Until he is dating me, I don't want him dating anyone else. I have no problem with other people doing it, it just doesn't work for me.

2 - Scenario time. Tell me the positive and negatives of these two separate people and what they can do to improve their personality/look etc.
I'll give you two options/ scenarios.
i. A nice guy. He's average looking, build etc. He's nice, caring, genuine and knows how to treat a girl well. He's not "dirty", a player or anything like that. He's just genuine. He doesn't eye up girls in clubs, he rather find someone special and someone that he kind find a genuine connection with.
ii. A jock. He's a lot bigger and a big player. He can pretty much get with any girl he wants.

It would completely depend on the guys. Based solely on the provided descriptions, I am unable to answer.

[edit:] Actually, if the second guy is a "player", I wouldn't want to date him - if by "player" you mean some PUA ignorant loser or stuff like that. If, on the other hand, you just mean a guy that is confident and likes to sleep around, it would depend on the guy.

3 - Is a "nice guy" date-able? I have been called "nice" amongst similar adjectives by several people. I have just started work and one of my co-workers said I was very "polite". One of my friends at university introduced me to her friend and called me "the most nicest person you'll ever meet" - a great thing to say about me; but is it a positive adjective/mindset that would get me into a relationship? I've been called "sweet, nice etc" by several other people too. For those wondering what I'm like (I'm 19, university/college student. I've never dated/kissed a girl and I am a virgin)

Sure, there's nothing wrong with being polite and a nice person in general. I think what your friends are actually saying is that you come across as lacking confidence. Like you are willing to sacrifice your needs and desires just to please others. That isn't attractive. You should be the first and most important person in your life.

4 - Is virginity worth holding onto? Is virginity worth the experience of having it with someone special - rather than being every other guy and doing it with people you meet in clubs?

Huh? This is a completely alien concept, to me. Virginity simply means "not having had sex yet". It's not a "value" and it most certainly says nothing about your moral worth as a person. I wouldn't want to date a religious nutter who believes otherwise.

[allymareek]

Hopefully I can help a little!

1 - What major qualities do you look for in a guy and what type of mindset does this guy have when he first meets you?
When I first meet him, I want him to be physically attractive to me. What I find attractive is obviously not going to be the same as any other girl, but I think it is often important that his look is "intentional". What I mean by this is that he has made a conscious choice to look the way that he does - there is a complete difference between "growing a beard" and "forgetting to shave" for example, if that makes sense. I want a guy who can pay for himself and sometimes pay for me too. I believe that when you are dating the paying-for-someone-else goes both ways but I wouldn't want to be footing all of the bills. It's also a pretty big deal that his values match up with mine because I don't want to be with someone who is behaving in a way I consider immoral (and I'm sure he wouldn't want to be with me if he though I was immoral!).
As far as mindset, I basically want him to think that I'm the best thing since sliced bread. I don't want to talk myself up, but I have a fair amount of choice when it comes to men and I'm going to go for the one who believes I'm worth it over one who doesn't. He does have to display a certain level of sexuality without being disrespectful as well, or else how am I going to know about his intentions?

2 - Both of them sound awful. Surely no one actually acts like those two extremes? Just like searock says, any guys could fit those descriptions but actually have completely different personalities and I'd have to meet them to know.

3 - Being "nice" is nothing to be proud of. I expect "nice" as the bare minimum of anyone I choose to spend time with, romantically or not. Saying that you are nice has the same value to me as saying that a restaurant won't give me food poisoning - fantastic, it meets the basic criteria of tolerable, now tell me how good their signature dish is. There are plenty of guys who are nice but also play guitar, or are devastatingly beautiful, or constantly have me laughing. I would pick any one of those guys over someone who was only nice. I would highly suggest that you work on something else to make you interesting. Work on a special talent, focus on improving your appearance, develop your conversational skills until "nice" isn't the only thing you have going for you. I'm sorry if that sounds a bit harsh but unfortunately this is just how the world works. Remember, I don't know you.

4 - I am not particularly promiscuous, I like to have a solid foundation with a person that I know before sleeping with them. I'm 24 and have been with 8 guys. I don't even remember my first time - I wasn't drunk or anything like that, it just wasn't special enough to stick in my memory. I would say it is totally up to you how you would like to go about your first sexual experience. Obviously there are some girls in the world who would prefer that their partner waited til marriage, but I don't know any of them and most of the people I know don't care how many sexual partners you've had before provided you practice safe sex. I personally wouldn't want to be with a virgin but that's because I don't want to have to teach them, I'd prefer a guy who already knows what he's doing and what he likes. Some women may like the idea of deflowering someone. Who knows?

I hope that answers some of your questions. Remember, I'm only one girl and these are only my opinions. Good luck!

[michelle23]

1. Integrity. Trust and honesty are the most important things to me in a guy

2 I wouldnt go near guy two. Im not sure about guy one either. It depends. You gotta be confident, be able to ask a girl out and believe you are good enough for her. Being too nice gets you nowhere. I hate guys who try to be my friend. Either make your intentions clear and ask me out-no BS or get lost

3 obviously being a nice person is good but if your only being nice all the time coz you want people to like you and your not really being yourself-then its bad. You can be nice whilst still being assertive, strong and be able to say no sometimes.. example; if a hot girl asked you to do her homework for her what would you say?? Would you know shes using you and tell her to do it herself or would you say sure no problem.. if a few lads were slagging you off would you laugh along at yourself to keep the peace or would you stand up to them?? Being nice all the time is bad

4 your only 19. Lots of people are still virgins at 19. My advice would be to try and meet a nice girl. I personally dont believe in drunken, one night stands or casual sex.. however most peoples first time isnt special so if you just wana get it over with-go for it and then try to meet someone special. Its up to you really

[Rowen]

1 - What major qualities do you look for in a guy and what type of mindset does this guy have when he first meets you?

2 - Scenario time. Tell me the positive and negatives of these two separate people and what they can do to improve their personality/look etc.
I'll give you two options/ scenarios.
i. A nice guy. He's average looking, build etc. He's nice, caring, genuine and knows how to treat a girl well. He's not "dirty", a player or anything like that. He's just genuine. He doesn't eye up girls in clubs, he rather find someone special and someone that he kind find a genuine connection with.
ii. A jock. He's a lot bigger and a big player. He can pretty much get with any girl he wants.

3 - Is a "nice guy" date-able? I have been called "nice" amongst similar adjectives by several people. I have just started work and one of my co-workers said I was very "polite". One of my friends at university introduced me to her friend and called me "the most nicest person you'll ever meet" - a great thing to say about me; but is it a positive adjective/mindset that would get me into a relationship? I've been called "sweet, nice etc" by several other people too. For those wondering what I'm like (I'm 19, university/college student. I've never dated/kissed a girl and I am a virgin)

4 - Is virginity worth holding onto? Is virginity worth the experience of having it with someone special - rather than being every other guy and doing it with people you meet in clubs?

1. Integrity, faithfulness, maturity, a sense of humor, a kind heart, common sense, being considerate, and consistency. Also, I personally am attracted to a little mystery, but that's only because I'm attracted to older men. You should just be yourself and treat the girl how you want to be treated.

2. Guy one doesn't sound like he needs to improve anything... Guy two sounds too immature to have a relationship with anyone. But to each their own- you can't control people.

3. Of course nice guys are date-able. Most people are looking for the nice guys. But it all depends on connection. You can be a nice guy to someone all you like...but it doesn't mean that they're going to feel the same way you feel about them. As an example, I'll use my best friend from high school; she's awesome and one of the nicest girls you'd ever meet. But I'm gay, first of all, and second, if I were straight, I view her more as a sibling than anything else. She's extremely nice, but if I were straight, I still wouldn't feel that spark with her. It's all about finding the missing piece to the relationship puzzle; not every piece fits into the the place you have.

4. This is not really something there's one correct answer to, so I recommend this: Ask yourself the questions "Do I want to have sex with someone I'm not in love with, or do I want to wait until I find the right person?", "Is sex important to me?", and "Why do I want to have sex?" I can't tell you for sure that you'd regret or not regret having sex before waiting till you're with the right person. Only you can truly answer that, and I can tell you- don't have sex unless you're absolutely sure you want to- regardless of whether or not it's with the right person. With me, personally, I lost my virginity in the bed of a Chevy pickup at sixteen, but that was my choice despite it was not with someone I loved. And to this day, I wouldn't change a thing about it. I recognized it as something I wanted to do and I knew I wouldn't regret. So, take the time to really evaluate it for yourself; don't allow anyone's outside opinions to sway you.

And if you do have sex, please be careful. Use your common sense. If you get a bad feeling that something is wrong with the woman (and this doesn't just go for having sex when you're not in love)- like the "area" has lots of redness or bumps- find a way to kindly excuse yourself and walk away... And use protection. It's not just about preventing childbirth; it's about protecting yourself. But, other than that, be yourself and the person who is right for you will come along. If you try to change yourself so someone likes you, you're only going to hurt yourself emotionally and be untrue to yourself.

EDIT: If you do become sexually active with more than one partner and/or aren't sure of your partner's disease status, make a habit of getting regularly tested for diseases. I personally try to go every six months, but I've known some people who go about once a year with the yearly checkup.

[soccerguy987]

Wow - what can I say! Some really great opinion AND advice!

Thank you to all - it's good to hear other people's opinions. I've been captured in a huge spiral of confusion regarding this subject. At first, I questioned myself? I'd wake up, look in the mirror and wonder what the f*k is wrong with me? Then I thought I'd try the "bad-boy" style - but it just wasn't me; I'm not that guy. I suppose I am quite nice, polite etc but I need to apply it differently with girls without playing it too strong.

So that's why I asked those questions! Thanks to the ladies who have replied. If anyone else wants to input advice, go for it!

[michelle23]

Just be yourself. Be confident in who you are and quit being the people pleaser all the time. You cant please everyone. Its okay to say no or to disagree sometimes. Know your own mind and own it. If you dont want to be that kinda guy then dont be. Just be you

[soccerguy987]

Thanks Michelle - that's some very wise words! Many thanks