Do you mind if your bf/gf hangs out with the opposite sex alone?

[northernli]

Hey everyone, just needs some feedback. This girl I'm dating has a lot of guy friends that she hangs out with. She assured me that they're just friends and I have nothing to worry about.

The only thing is that she watches movies alone with them at their place.

I'm usually a jealous person but that has ruined my past relationships so I'm trying to change, any feedback is appreciated.

An interesting point I've thought about is this: if you don't let them hang out with the opposite sex alone, what if your bf/gf is bisexual? That means they can never hang out with anyone alone?

Thanks! Any comments are appreciated.

[searock]

I don't mind if my boyfriend hangs out with female friends, as long as they don't cross basic relationship boundaries. Here are some of them:

1. No physical contact: no hugs, no playful touching, any of that.
2. No movies alone anywhere - especially not at their place.
3. No regular one-on-one dates. It's ok if they're childhood friends and only see each other once every 4 months or something.
4. No texting and chatting all the time.
5. If they feel uncomfortable having both me and a female friend in the same room, something is wrong.
6. No such thing as "she is my best friend, I can tell her everything." First of all, I am my boyfriend's best female friend (and vice versa). Second of all, there are some things that I don't want him talking about to anyone else unless it's absolutely necessary (e.g. details of our sex life).

You get the gist. In your particular case, if I were you I would definitely not be ok with your girlfriend watching movies alone with a male friend. Big red flag. One-on-one dates, even if platonic, are perfect for emotional affairs to develop.

[basilandthyme]

"you must spread some reputation around before giving it to Searock again"

[HeartIsAching]

It really depends on the situation.

Searock laid out some good basic rules-of-thumb.

I used to have a good female friend that lived across the street (still a friend, lives much further away now), and she and I would hang out quite often when we were both home... but usually at her house or mine, with the front door open. Wifey came in many times and we were watching TV or a movie together, maybe having a drink. Usually at her house there were a shit-ton of people there, as she had lots of family and friends in the area, and did hair on the side.

[michelle23]

This should be a deal breaker. Its disrespectful of her to hang out with these men alone. Either agree on some boundaries or break up.

[northernli]

Thanks for the feedback everyone, I'll have a talk and try to set some boundaries. It's probably not a big deal to her since she lets me do the same, but like some of you said, feelings could
develop.


Any thoughts on the bisexual scenario? If your bf/gf is bisexual wouldn't it become
an unreasonable boundary?

Others have said that cheaters will cheat regardless of what boundaries you set, will boundaries really prevent anything or will they affect the relationship negatively?

[searock]

Any thoughts on the bisexual scenario? If your bf/gf is bisexual wouldn't it become an unreasonable boundary?

As far as I'm concerned, the same rules would apply.

Others have said that cheaters will cheat regardless of what boundaries you set, will boundaries really prevent anything or will they affect the relationship negatively?

There's no way that setting clear and reasonable boundaries is going to affect the relationship negatively. Boundaries are in place for the opposite reason - to make sure the relationship works. Honestly, I've never had to sit down with my boyfriend and talk about boundaries... we just follow them instinctively, they're pretty common sense and we see eye to eye about them. Probably has to do with the fact that before becoming a couple, him and I had an emotional affair with each other, so we know how it works and we spontaneously avoid putting ourselves in those risky situations.

On the other hand, no amount of boundaries will prevent a cheater from cheating. Boundaries prevent honest partners from finding themselves in uncomfortable/risky situations. If your girlfriend wants to cheat on you, she will do so no matter the boundaries you set. Being a cheater means being a liar, so you can talk about boundaries all you want, but if she's lying to you, even if she agrees to them, she will go ahead and cross them anyway.

[Wakeup]

Did you know that the odds of cheating taking place for those that do hang out one-on-one with their opposite sex friend are far higher then someone that doesn't hang out and do date like activities with their "friend."

Everyone has opposite sex friends but IMO hanging out with them without your partner and doing date like activities with them, "hanging out" one on one is disrespectful to the primary relationship. If the only thing different you're doing with your partner is having sex then you're hardly a "Significant Other."

On the other hand, no amount of boundaries will prevent a cheater from cheating.

Cheaters don't have much stock in personal boundaries.

[XyOh]

I'm sorry, but I pretty much disagree with everyone. It depends on the circumstance and whether your partner adequately makes you feel like there is no threat posed.

I have A LOT of male friends. I'm a very pragmatic minded female, I grew up a tomboy, and I work in the technology field (which is dominantly male). I am the only girl in a rock band with four other guys and one of these guys is my best friends. I've been roommates with men and two of them became my best friends. I have no problems hugging (as far as physical contact goes, but usually this is the most), I watch movies with them on a regular basis (albeit usually on separate couches), we regularly go out to lunches, dinners, even dancing, and weddings, and we text and talk as much as we like.

I'd like to stress this next sentence more than anything:

I HAVE NEVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH ANY OF MY BOYFRIENDS BEING JEALOUS. EVER.

Why?

Because I know how to ensure that the man I'm dating knows that he's my main squeeze and I only have eyes for him. Period.

The guy I'm dating typically meets ALL of my guy friends, is introduced to all of them as my boyfriend, and I'm very vocal about how crazy I am to all of them while he's present by means of flirting with my boyfriend in front of them, holding his hand, sitting very close to him, etc. My boyfriends typically end up liking my guy friends more than I do! That's because my guy friends are flippin' awesome. That's all there is to it. I also hang out with all of guy friend's girlfriends. I also try to play wing-man or help hook my guy friends with other women.

An example of this is that I recently introduced my boyfriend to my bandmates and my coworkers and almost all of them said to him in some way,: "Hi Jason! We've heard a lot about you! Christy talks about you all the time." And this is probably followed up with, "We heard you farm! What's that like? You and Christy are so cute together!" and so on and so on. My best friend Frank even suggested that the two of then hang out together sometime.

What I'm trying to say here is that it depends on how secure the person you're with makes you feel. I have probably 10 close guy friends and 3 close girlfriends, but my man knows that I am loyal and crazy about him and I reiterate this to him EVERY SINGLE CHANCE THAT I GET. NOT just when it might be potentially bothering him.

The only thing I think that's important to look for is if this person has had any previous romantic involvement with her friends (of which I have none). This is the only thing that would concern me and what kind of pattern they have with turning friends into romantic interests. Not everyone is the same and it seems silly to slap a set of general rules on every romantic partner you have. That's just me though.

[Wakeup]

Yes, that's just you. I think it seems silly that you think that anyone who doesn't have your own mind set hasn't been showing their partner or have been shown by their partner that they are the one they love and want to be with. Did you know that cheaters often increase their love "tells" to their primary partner after they've been in the company of the opposite sex.

[lalalita]

I expect to be *the* woman in my man's life, and for him to be *the* man in my life. Period.

[XyOh]

Yes, that's just you. I think it seems silly that you think that anyone who doesn't have your own mind set hasn't been showing their partner or have been shown by their partner that they are the one they love and want to be with. Did you know that cheaters often increase their love "tells" to their primary partner after they've been in the company of the opposite sex.

I find it silly to be in a relationship where the person you're with doesn't trust the decisions and actions you make as a participating adult. The type of boundaries being described here are a result of insecurities and your partner is fully capable of easing these insecurities with simple communication and affection. I do believe this can produce popular results since I've been with men that had described themselves as jealous and I was still able to keep our relationships happy and restriction free.

Cheating happens and preventative measures such as these only give people the illusion of control. There's no point to it. The bottom line comes to trust and if you don't trust your partner, there is no relationship. I think it's sad that people would rather believe that when someone says, "This method has worked for me in multiple relationships and I've never had a problem," then the response is, "Well, that's just you."

I have a tendency to completely trust my partners. If that person cheats (and yes, I've been cheated on before), I opt to break up with them. I prefer not to indulge in a relationship where I can't give my trust fully.

[lalalita]

I find it silly to be in a relationship where the person you're with doesn't trust the decisions and actions you make as a participating adult. The type of boundaries being described here are a result of insecurities and your partner is fully capable of easing these insecurities with simple communication and affection.

Cheating happens and preventative measures such as these only give people the illusion of control. There's no point to it. The bottom line comes to trust and if you don't trust your partner, there is no relationship. I think it's sad that people would rather believe that when someone says, "This method has worked for me in multiple relationships and I've never had a problem," then the response is, "Well, that's just you."

I trust my partner 100%, but we both agree things of that nature are inappropriate. It works for us, because we see things in the same light. Different strokes for different folks.

[XyOh]

I trust my partner 100%, but we both agree things of that nature are inappropriate. It works for us, because we see things in the same light. Different strokes for different folks.

Sorry, lalalita, I might have been a little bit coarse in my last post because Wakeup got me on the defensive. Essentially, you and Wakeup have a point, sometimes the best way to deal with these insecurities is to set boundaries in place that work for the both of you. I think my response deals more with deciding on boundaries on a case by case basis: not as a blanket strategy.

[Wakeup]

I find it silly to be in a relationship where the person you're with doesn't trust the decisions and actions you make as a participating adult. The type of boundaries being described here are a result of insecurities and your partner is fully capable of easing these insecurities with simple communication and affection. I do believe this can produce popular results since I've been with men that had described themselves as jealous and I was still able to keep our relationships happy and restriction free.

Cheating happens and preventative measures such as these only give people the illusion of control. There's no point to it. The bottom line comes to trust and if you don't trust your partner, there is no relationship. I think it's sad that people would rather believe that when someone says, "This method has worked for me in multiple relationships and I've never had a problem," then the response is, "Well, that's just you."

I have a tendency to completely trust my partners. If that person cheats (and yes, I've been cheated on before), I opt to break up with them. I prefer not to indulge in a relationship where I can't give my trust fully.

As I've said before. My stance on this has nothing to do with insecurity or lack of trust and No those boundaries are not formed on the basis of insecurity and lack of trust. It has everything to do with respecting your partner, keeping date like activities between him and I (not I with other men or him with other women) and to share our friendships equally without need to leave either of us at home while we "hang" with other men or women.

I trust my partner 100% as well but that doesn't mean it's okay for him to leave me at home while he goes to the show with his female friend. (as an example, you can add drink (or anything for that matter) with rather then to the show if that's your primary activity of course).

I'm glad I put you on the defensive because you found it "silly" that we don't do what you did so I gave it back to you in the same manner. BTW: Multiple relationships. I've not had to be in "multiple" relationships and I'm an old bat. Perhaps it's our mutual personal boundaries keeping it real for so long??????

Welcome to the forum.

- - - Updated - - -

Hey everyone, just needs some feedback. This girl I'm dating has a lot of guy friends that she hangs out with. She assured me that they're just friends and I have nothing to worry about.

Famous last words.

The only thing is that she watches movies alone with them at their place.

Totally disrespectful to you as her primary partner and your relationship in general.

I'm usually a jealous person but that has ruined my past relationships so I'm trying to change, any feedback is appreciated.

Why do you think you're with someone that you're going to be able to last the test of time with? You have nothing of a fundamental nature in common.

An interesting point I've thought about is this: if you don't let them hang out with the opposite sex alone, what if your bf/gf is bisexual? That means they can never hang out with anyone alone?

No it means you're REALLY, REALLY with someone totally incompatible to you so you should be wise and break up with her and find someone more like yourself so you'll be more apt to last the test of time with them.

Thanks! Any comments are appreciated.

Yea.. you should probably have a chat with her and tell her that you're not jiggy with hanging one on one with opposite sex friends when you're in a committed relationship and what does she think about keeping the friend ship but changing the dynamics of said friendship. If she's not capable of understanding why hanging out with another man is disrespectful to her partner then find someone who totally understands that concept and you'll be with someone more compatible to yourself which usually translates to a more peaceful, long lasting bond.