Delicate situation with girlfriend on topic of rape

[smackie9]

She would be hard pressed to have charges laid if she keeps going to the place where she is victimized over and over again. She keeps returning, she is responsible for putting herself in that situation. I have no sympathy for someone that doesn't have enough sense to remove herself from a situation like this. I have to wonder if she is just doing it for the attention.

[dickriculous]

So I've been going out with this girl for a little bit, and I really like her. Anyway, we had a conversation that's troubling me a lot at the moment. She told me that any time she stays over at one of her brother's parties, gets drunk, one of his 'friends' will try to take advantage of her/rape her, and she doesn't have the will to stop them. I don't know exactly how many times this has happened, I'm trying to be very careful about what I say, because it's a delicate thing.

I don't want to be insensitive, or sound like I'm blaming her. But I'm having a really tough time with it. I'll just try to relay as many facts as I can, and see what you guys make of it.

She says that she refuses to stop drinking with her brothers and their slimy friends, because she has a right to enjoy herself and be with her brothers, without expecting to be raped. When I suggested that she shouldn't willingly put herself into a position where she might be in danger, she told me that I'm victim blaming.

I also tried (diplomatically as possible) to deduce how a guy could force her to do this in her brother's own house, with her brother present. She's no shrieking violet, and well able to stand up for herself in every day situations, but she explained that when she is drunk and being put upon she feels under pressure to not make a fuss.

Can somebody please tell what they think? I'm trying very hard to be understanding, but I'm struggling with it.

What exactly does she mean "she doesn't have the will to stop them"? Are they legitimately forcing themselves onto her and she is too terrified to say no? Or are they trying to get laid, she goes along with it, and afterwards she's saying "wait, we were drinking that means I got raped! He raped me!" Or does it mean "I am so outrageously blackout drunk that all of the alcohol in my system stops me from being able to say no" If it's 1 or 3 then those guys need to be reported, if it's 2 then she is crazy and dangerous.


Technically, any mere mention of any responsibility that a victim has for the consequences of his or her actions falls under the definition of "victim blaming", so it's easy for her to play that card. Using it to justify her terrible judgment, however, is a huge red flag to me and honestly I would run, not walk away.

[XyOh]

She would be hard pressed to have charges laid if she keeps going to the place where she is victimized over and over again. She keeps returning, she is responsible for putting herself in that situation. I have no sympathy for someone that doesn't have enough sense to remove herself from a situation like this. I have to wonder if she is just doing it for the attention.

Just because it's unlikely that charges can be laid doesn't mean it's not a crime.

The authorities need to be called.

It doesn't matter WHAT her psychological make up is, she's being raped. And that's the topic at hand: Rape.
She's responsible for putting herself in that situation ... does that mean she's not being raped? Nope. Still being raped.
She doesn't have enough sense to remove herself from a situation like this ... does that mean she's not being raped? Nope. Still being raped.
Is she doing this for the attention? Does that intention include claiming that she's being raped? Guess what. It needs to be reported.

Call the authorities. Whether this produces a result or not doesn't not determine whether they are called. This is simply the right thing to do.
We get robbed. We call the cops. Even if we think we'll never see our property again.
We get in a hit and run, are knocked unconscious, and don't see the car. We call the cops. Even if we don't think they'll ever get caught.
Our neighbors are in a domestic violence dispute and we know the spouse won't admit the abuse. We call the cops. Even though we know there won't be charges.

Calling the police is the right thing to do. Let the authorities sort out whether or not she's lying. At least you've done the right thing which is the most you can do.

[smackie9]

Sorry but I disagree. A woman needs to take responsibility for HER actions too. She keeps going back, she's being a stupid _unt.

[XyOh]

So in your opinion she's NOT being raped?

[searock]

Sorry but I disagree. A woman needs to take responsibility for HER actions too. She keeps going back, she's being a stupid _unt.

So what? The focus should still be on the rapists, not on her. They are the ones who should be reported to the authorities, they are the ones that should stop going to those parties.

Most of you guys keep saying "she's stupid if she goes back", "she must be doing it for the attention", "she must like it if she keeps going back". Nobody said a word about what THEY are and why THEY are doing it. Basically she should limit her own freedom because of a bunch of rapists, and she shouldn't even complain about it, boys will be boys, right?

[XyOh]

Totally agree, searock.

[smackie9]

Like I said, women need to take responsibility. She didn't report it, she kept going back to be raped over again. They are not holding a gun to her head, or holding her captive. She knows the danger, she keeps returning to let it happen again. RESPONSIBILITY for your own actions. They are both at fault. Sorry but it's the reality. This would never ever hold up in court because she never took responsibility. I stand firm.
I do not condone their actions, and I don't condone her's either.

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So you knowingly jump in the middle of a gun fight and get shot.....who's to blame here?

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So in your opinion she's NOT being raped?

Yes she is, BUT she keeps putting herself in that position. SHE CAN have total control to stop it by avoiding being around those people, but she doesn't. She has done diddly squat but to keep going back. I have no respect for someone that does that to themselves.

[searock]

She DID try to report it, she reported it to her mother and her boyfriend. The mother blamed her and the boyfriend is doing nothing. I think she is looking to get help from her loved ones, before going to the police. OP, again I ask you: have you talked to her about going to the cops?

Of course she should avoid situations that can put her in danger, but I understand her frustration... she isn't the one whose freedom should be limited, the rapists are.

[XyOh]

Yes she is, BUT she keeps putting herself in that position. SHE CAN have total control to stop it by avoiding being around those people, but she doesn't. She has done diddly squat but to keep going back. I have no respect for someone that does that to themselves.

Sorry smackie, but I don't don't believe in the "it's a crime *BUT* situation." If something is a crime to me, it's a crime. I don't have to evaluate it much further.

You don't have to respect the victim. That's not the point.

If someone robs my house, I don't expect the police officer to evaluate my psychological make up to simply make a report. Maybe I won't get results if I'm delusional, but what was right got done and that's all that matters.

What about the men? Just because they found a woman who is a sitting duck doesn't mean their behavior is excused. These men need to be reported. There needs to be paper work that shows that these men have a history of rape violence against women. Then they'll think twice about doing it.

[smackie9]

I'm not saying it's NOT a crime, I'm saying if she keeps putting herself repeatedly in that situation knowing she will be raped, she has some responsibility to what is happening to her, knowing she can avoid it from happening again.

[dem862]

Are you sure she is telling you the truth? I can't imagine any sane woman would put herself in the same position to be raped, over and over again.

[XyOh]

I'm not saying it's NOT a crime, I'm saying if she keeps putting herself repeatedly in that situation knowing she will be raped, she has some responsibility to what is happening to her, knowing she can avoid it from happening again.

So why aren't we talking about the crime? Why talk about the victim? It's pointless. Talk about the offenders.

Sorry smackie9, not trying to pick on you. I'm just a pretty heavy advocate against rape culture.

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Are you sure she is telling you the truth? I can't imagine any sane woman would put herself in the same position to be raped, over and over again.

^This should be left to the authorities to decide. Then men should be reported.

[smackie9]

Being raped or sexually assaulted is traumatizing (I speak from experience) so I smell a lot of BS in this thread.

[XyOh]

I've also been raped and speak from experience. No one deserves it. It's not up to us to decide whether this is BS or not. It's up to the authorities. I don't trust their judgement either, but this is the process our society has in place. It's the best course of action.