Delicate situation with girlfriend on topic of rape

[arandomperson]

So I've been going out with this girl for a little bit, and I really like her. Anyway, we had a conversation that's troubling me a lot at the moment. She told me that any time she stays over at one of her brother's parties, gets drunk, one of his 'friends' will try to take advantage of her/rape her, and she doesn't have the will to stop them. I don't know exactly how many times this has happened, I'm trying to be very careful about what I say, because it's a delicate thing.

I don't want to be insensitive, or sound like I'm blaming her. But I'm having a really tough time with it. I'll just try to relay as many facts as I can, and see what you guys make of it.

She says that she refuses to stop drinking with her brothers and their slimy friends, because she has a right to enjoy herself and be with her brothers, without expecting to be raped. When I suggested that she shouldn't willingly put herself into a position where she might be in danger, she told me that I'm victim blaming.

I also tried (diplomatically as possible) to deduce how a guy could force her to do this in her brother's own house, with her brother present. She's no shrieking violet, and well able to stand up for herself in every day situations, but she explained that when she is drunk and being put upon she feels under pressure to not make a fuss.

Can somebody please tell what they think? I'm trying very hard to be understanding, but I'm struggling with it.

[Bootsie]

I'm sorry but if she really felt she was being put under pressure and DID NOT like that feeling, then she would not go to these 'parties' or would at last take you with her if she really was that eager to go. If it was me and this happened I wouldn't go ever again and I would make sure my brother was no longer friends with the d*cks that are doing it.

[MrLoyal]

I've met girls like this. Never quite understood what is behind it.

[Valixy]

Her brothers have to be scum for allowing that to happen. It's outrageous. She should consult a lawyer on the best way to denounce being raped as laws in Qatar for sexual agressions sometimes work against the victim.

She is however the one who decides to go to those parties despite repeated agressions and that is something that no one could understand or support. Her credibility would suffer a lot and it's quite understandable.

All you can do is to advise her but if she prefers to keep going to those parties, you have your answer. Unless she radically changes her attitude, she proves she is not a victim but a sad girl addicted to alcohol and being forced to have sex, imo.

[vashti]

I think dating this girl is going to potentially be a dangerous situation for you. She's either crazy or exceedingly stupid (or both, which is most likely). I find it offensive that she calls sleeping with her brother's friends while drinking too much "rape" (when she has voluntarily put herself in the position to be there and accepts there will be sex involved), and trivializes what actual victims have endured by comparing herself to them, and I wouldn't be a bit surprised to hear her say YOU raped her at some point.

Run for your life.

[chinagirl]

^^^ This. If it happened the first time and she clearly said no, then it is indeed rape, but, the fact that she keeps on going back and doing the same thing is beyond me.

Not only does she have a drinking problem, sounds to me that she's got some psychological issues that need to be addressed. And for the brother to witness his friends having sex with her while drunk is another sign that the family is dysfunctional.

You need to break up with this girl and find someone who is emotionally healthy.

[MrLoyal]

Run for your life.

Yep, good advice here.

It sounds as bad as dating someone like chinagirl.

[arandomperson]

Thanks for the replies so far guys. My first instinct was that this isn't acceptable, but I didn't want to say much until I got some other opinions.

Little detail that I got wrong, and may or may not be important. These parties actually happen at her mom's place, on holidays, Xmas etc. So she claims she has no option but to be there. I still find it hard to understand why she can't just keep out of their way rather than getting drunk with them, if she knows what's likely to happen.

[chinagirl]

Thanks for the replies so far guys. My first instinct was that this isn't acceptable, but I didn't want to say much until I got some other opinions.

Little detail that I got wrong, and may or may not be important. These parties actually happen at her mom's place, on holidays, Xmas etc. So she claims she has no option but to be there. I still find it hard to understand why she can't just keep out of their way rather than getting drunk with them, if she knows what's likely to happen.

That's even worst that it happens in her mother's house. Where is the mother when this is happening?

[vashti]

Thanks for the replies so far guys. My first instinct was that this isn't acceptable, but I didn't want to say much until I got some other opinions.

Little detail that I got wrong, and may or may not be important. These parties actually happen at her mom's place, on holidays, Xmas etc. So she claims she has no option but to be there. I still find it hard to understand why she can't just keep out of their way rather than getting drunk with them, if she knows what's likely to happen.

I do not find this detail to be important at all. My response would be the same if it were happening at church.

[rest77]

There is something creepy about this girl, i don't know, but i just feel it. Because there might just be more to this story of "Rape".

Because i really don't understand the kind of rape she is talking about that "she doesn't have the will to stop them", but at least she has the will to enjoy the sex, put on back her pant and leave. There was not even a tiny bit of fight or struggle involved even though she was drunk?

Wow, interesting!

[searock]

^^^ This. If it happened the first time and she clearly said no

If she was drunk, it doesn't matter what she said, it's still rape. The absence of "no" isn't consent, the presence of "yes" is consent.

Apart from this, I agree with the other posters. I mean, of course she has the right to have fun with who she wants without having to get raped, but why hasn't she at the very least talked to her brother about this situation? And how can she have fun, if she knows that she's risking rape every single time? It doesn't add up.

- - - Updated - - -

Little detail that I got wrong, and may or may not be important. These parties actually happen at her mom's place, on holidays, Xmas etc. So she claims she has no option but to be there. I still find it hard to understand why she can't just keep out of their way rather than getting drunk with them, if she knows what's likely to happen.

Oh, okay I only just read this. It does make a difference in that she doesn't *go* to those parties, she *has to* be there due to family obligations. And yes, she has every right to drink as much as she pleases, without having to get raped.

What still doesn't make sense is that she hasn't talked to her family about this situation. Has she told you why?

[chinagirl]

If she knows that she's being raped every time she's drunk, a reasonable person in their right mind will avoid drinking with these guys.

[Valixy]

Whatever the reasons, she can't stand up for herself, she lets herself carrried away, she can't tell right from wrong yet or that she is indeed forced to have sex when drunk, this girl needs help. That isn't normal behaviour and hopefully you'll be able to help her become aware that she has some serious problems and needs to change her attitude.

You can't fix things for her as a boyfriend or a friend though, because she needs to make the first steps alone, like learning to discriminate between fun and abuse and not put herself in that situation anymore. Those parties can't be allowed to take place at their house anymore and she needs to ask for her parents' help first. How old is she?

Besides she's the only one entitled to make any kind of accusations, because she's the only one who knows what really happens at those parties. You should express your concern to her but stay out of this.

[searock]

I agree with Valixy. She needs help, but you should stay away from her because as long as she's like this, she's just going to drag you down.