Please help - my GF seems bored/irritated

[johnjohn1]

Hello there!

I'm kinda growing desperate (no offense) so i thought i'd try to ask someone her (i've been a lurker mostly).

Anyway, i'm with this girl whom i really love. We've been a couple for 5 months + 2 months of dating before that. We're 22-24 years old.
She's told me she loves me extremely much, and she does in general show very much affection and tells me she wants me and that she's got no interest in other men at all, but still i feel like something bad is happening:
It's like we're becoming a bit "stale" and i feel like the romance might be dwindling.
Usually, we'd speak about everything and laugh a lot together and do alot of things together, but recently it's like we've got nothing to talk about and we're mostly just staying at home watching movies/series or whatever.
Also, she seems to get annoyed with me much more often which makes me feel bad (and generally makes me lose self-confidence).

I'm not an overly-confident guy, and depending on the day i can either be really good or really bad with words & socializing - so i kinda feel like it's my fault when our conversations turn awkward or boring, because it usually is when i feel not-confident and selfconscious.

We don't even see each other that much - 2/3 times per week - so that makes it seem even worse that we can't have any fun conversations together.

Please... give me some advice. I'll do anything for her, i've never loved anyone as much as i love her - and i don't want this to consume and ruin our relationship.

Thanks!

[smackie9]

The honeymoon stage has run it's course, so that being said, for a relationship to last the long haul you have to be very compatible, not just liking the same things, but share the same passions, introduce new ones, and do things outside your comfort zone.

You have one last resort and that is to make your time together and your time apart have more quality. Having an active life outside the relationship, spending time with friends doing your own thing will keep things fresh because you will have things to share about what you did. So get busy with life, and you may see improvement in yourself.

I think you are a sinking ship because you are sitting at home rather than going out and doing things. I don't think this has anything to do with your relationship, but your outlook on life and what you do with your time.

As for time together, you need to be spontanious and go out and do different things together, especially things you haven't done before or places you haven't been before.

[basilandthyme]

I'm with Smackie. Relationships don't keep themselves interesting - they need input and direction. If the two of you are sitting at home doing nothing, the only cause is apathy.

You also need to work on your self confidence. If someone niggles at us, we need to be proactive in our response - not just simply lose confidence. If she's getting annoyed with you, you need the ability to ask yourself if she's being reasonable. If you think she's unreasonably annoyed, then you need to back yourself....or if it's a reasonable thing, then ask yourself if you want to change.

[Yanky]

People don't just get bored, there are always reasons behind irritation. Find out those reasons are, and work on them together.

[smackie9]

Ya he is being a stick in the mud, he doesn't want to do anything.

[johnjohn1]

The honeymoon stage has run it's course, so that being said, for a relationship to last the long haul you have to be very compatible, not just liking the same things, but share the same passions, introduce new ones, and do things outside your comfort zone.

You have one last resort and that is to make your time together and your time apart have more quality. Having an active life outside the relationship, spending time with friends doing your own thing will keep things fresh because you will have things to share about what you did. So get busy with life, and you may see improvement in yourself.

I think you are a sinking ship because you are sitting at home rather than going out and doing things. I don't think this has anything to do with your relationship, but your outlook on life and what you do with your time.

As for time together, you need to be spontanious and go out and do different things together, especially things you haven't done before or places you haven't been before.

What you're saying definitely makes sense.

I think my main problem (and why we're not doing very much when we're together) is that i'm feeling quite unconfident - and thus, i'm scared to go outside my comfort zone and try new things with her (especially if it involves oter people than just the 2 of us, i'm constantly aware about if she thinks some1 else is more fun than me etc. and i get insecure if others are doing a "better job" than me with entertaining her).
I really want to be the kind of boyfriend that is fun being with all the time - both regarding our conversations and the things we do together - but yeah, the confidence thing... It makes me feel like i don't know how to do these things.

- - - Updated - - -

I'm with Smackie. Relationships don't keep themselves interesting - they need input and direction. If the two of you are sitting at home doing nothing, the only cause is apathy.

You also need to work on your self confidence. If someone niggles at us, we need to be proactive in our response - not just simply lose confidence. If she's getting annoyed with you, you need the ability to ask yourself if she's being reasonable. If you think she's unreasonably annoyed, then you need to back yourself....or if it's a reasonable thing, then ask yourself if you want to change.

So: you're suggesting that i mix it all up - get out and be active, both by myself and with her.

When she gets annoyed with me, it's usually when i feel unconfident and when i'm lacking energy to take initiative with us. So in a way i think she's "reasonable", at least i understand why she might feel that i'm annoying if i'm not doing anything productive with her.

BTW:
Should i mix up how i'm in contact with her when i don't see her?
We usually text A LOT - so should i perhaps back off a bit with this and try calling her instead and talking to her, just to try something new?

[smackie9]

Texting ALOT or spending time together ALOT, takes the magic out of it for sure.

[XyOh]

It's great that you're concerned about her happiness, but you can't make someone happy. She might be getting annoyed because she can sense how eager you are to please without thinking about what pleases you first. You can only make yourself happy and hope that it's contagious enough that she'll join in on it.

What would make you happy?
It sounds like sitting in front of the television is not making you happy.
It sounds like the dwindling romance is not making you happy.
It sounds like the staleness is not making you happy.
It sounds like her getting annoyed with you easily makes you unhappy.

Hey, man! You've been complaining about HER and you didn't even realize it!

1)Talk to her
Tell her why YOU'RE not happy. Tell her about how these things make YOU unhappy. Tell her that you annoy her and also that she gets annoyed with you easily. Tell her that all we do is sit around. Tell her we are not that romantic anymore. The "we" part implies that both of you are at fault - which is TRUE! It's not solely your responsibility to make things wonderful. She'll have complaints. Listen to them. But don't assume this is something YOU'RE supposed to fix. It's something that needs to be fixed, yes, but you're a team. You're not a lone handy man.

Things you might be afraid of in this conversation:

She says: Well, maybe we should just break up!
What you should say: I would prefer that the first step be that we work on it.
Result 1: She breaks up with you which is good because she made the threat. Don't stay with a girl that makes a threat.
Result 2: She realizes she's making threats and she comes down from her high horse and talks things out like an adult.

She says: You're boring. You never want to do anything.
What you should say: Well, if you're bored then you're boring! Just kidding, don't say that ... haha. But keep this in mind ... If you're bored, you're welcome to suggest things to do. It doesn't have to get to a point where you're annoyed with me before you suggest we do something different.
Result 1: She agrees.
Result 2: She disagrees, which means she expects you to keep the relationship interesting. Tell her it's up to both of you which is why you're having this conversation, pretty lady.

You think: I'm too insecure! She'll see it! She'll break up with me! Oh god!
I say: Dude. Focus on your happiness. You can't go wrong if you stay truuuuue to the paaaaath.

2) Do something different, DUH!
My boyfriend has anxiety issues and is an introvert. I'm a total extravert so it seems like we can never do anything. Here are things we do:
-Go to the movies. See a good movie or see bad movies and make fun of them the whole time.
-Play chess or some other board game. Take it outside or to a quite bar for variety. BF and I played strip chess once! We didn't make it to the end ... haha! VERY fun.
-Play charades! Way more fun than you think!
-Play truth or dare ... yes, my BF and I do this. It's fun, but beware of truth: that might take you places you don't want to go and you might not be mentally sound for that shart.
-Buy a multiplayer video game and play it together - yes, this is better if you're both gamers. But surely, there's a game out there that she might like.
-Buy a bottle of wine and take a discrete stroll along a river.
-Give each other back/full body massages ... A MUST IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP! So awesome ...

3)Up the romance - simple style!
-Make a coupon book for her filled with backrubs, *cough*goingdown*cough*, buying her ice cream, rubbing her feet, planning a big date, writing her a bad poem, writing her a pathetic letter, etc ...
-Make a cute card for her - keep the contents cute and happy, preferably mention how sexy you think she is. No deep, emotional mumbo jumbo.
-Buy jenga, both of you write things that you want the other person to do (small stuff), and well, you know, play jenga + fun stuff. Now that I thought of that, I'm going to do it ... haha!
-Tell her, "If we are both going to sit around and watch television tonight, I absolutely insist that you get dressed up in your sexiest outfit possible, I'll put on a shirt and tie, we'll light candles, I'll buy some strawberries, cheese, and champagne, and we will at least be super sexy when we watch TV." I don't see how this can possibly go wrong. It's obvious you're dressing up for each other and not to be noticed around town AND you're doing the same thing you've always been doing with STYLE!

4) Lower the frivolous communication
You got it, buddy! Edit that shart down!! Quality, not quantity. Make sure everything you text counts. If it's not about the next time you get together or how sexy you think she is, don't flippin' say it! Who cares? I guarantee she doesn't. Ask her how her day was, let her respond, maybe say something witty back AND LEAVE IT AT THAT! That's three texts a day man. That's enough. I'm tired just thinking about it. REALLY ITCHIN'? Okay, right before you sleep say, "Goodnight, sexy." NOTHING ELSE! I WILL TAKE THAT PHONE FROM YOU! I'll do, Mr.! If she wonders why you're texting less, tell her the truth. Say, "I thought I'd just dial it back, that's all. You're still my best gal! Kiss attack! *kisses*" How could she not love that?

Hope this helps! Good luck!

[Stay 2gether]

Remember alot of times the 1st months are the toughest and the most telling months also in a relationship bith parties have to remain to show interest so if your being boring or not giving her that laugh she is looking for then she mite just get tired and bored with you because you must be able to communicate and keep each other smiling in a relationship for it to work. If you are bored how do you think she feels about the situation duhh! and sex in a relationship is important to exspecially if it was good and now only a few months later it had died down that is not a good sign so if i was you i would get exciting in the bedroom and stop being scared to open your mouth sometimes a corney joke is better then none at all! so get up and get going whatever it takes before she is gone!

[johnjohn1]

It's great that you're concerned about her happiness, but you can't make someone happy. She might be getting annoyed because she can sense how eager you are to please without thinking about what pleases you first. You can only make yourself happy and hope that it's contagious enough that she'll join in on it.

What would make you happy?
It sounds like sitting in front of the television is not making you happy.
It sounds like the dwindling romance is not making you happy.
It sounds like the staleness is not making you happy.
It sounds like her getting annoyed with you easily makes you unhappy.

Hey, man! You've been complaining about HER and you didn't even realize it!

1)Talk to her
Tell her why YOU'RE not happy. Tell her about how these things make YOU unhappy. Tell her that you annoy her and also that she gets annoyed with you easily. Tell her that all we do is sit around. Tell her we are not that romantic anymore. The "we" part implies that both of you are at fault - which is TRUE! It's not solely your responsibility to make things wonderful. She'll have complaints. Listen to them. But don't assume this is something YOU'RE supposed to fix. It's something that needs to be fixed, yes, but you're a team. You're not a lone handy man.

Things you might be afraid of in this conversation:

She says: Well, maybe we should just break up!
What you should say: I would prefer that the first step be that we work on it.
Result 1: She breaks up with you which is good because she made the threat. Don't stay with a girl that makes a threat.
Result 2: She realizes she's making threats and she comes down from her high horse and talks things out like an adult.

She says: You're boring. You never want to do anything.
What you should say: Well, if you're bored then you're boring! Just kidding, don't say that ... haha. But keep this in mind ... If you're bored, you're welcome to suggest things to do. It doesn't have to get to a point where you're annoyed with me before you suggest we do something different.
Result 1: She agrees.
Result 2: She disagrees, which means she expects you to keep the relationship interesting. Tell her it's up to both of you which is why you're having this conversation, pretty lady.

You think: I'm too insecure! She'll see it! She'll break up with me! Oh god!
I say: Dude. Focus on your happiness. You can't go wrong if you stay truuuuue to the paaaaath.

2) Do something different, DUH!
My boyfriend has anxiety issues and is an introvert. I'm a total extravert so it seems like we can never do anything. Here are things we do:
-Go to the movies. See a good movie or see bad movies and make fun of them the whole time.
-Play chess or some other board game. Take it outside or to a quite bar for variety. BF and I played strip chess once! We didn't make it to the end ... haha! VERY fun.
-Play charades! Way more fun than you think!
-Play truth or dare ... yes, my BF and I do this. It's fun, but beware of truth: that might take you places you don't want to go and you might not be mentally sound for that shart.
-Buy a multiplayer video game and play it together - yes, this is better if you're both gamers. But surely, there's a game out there that she might like.
-Buy a bottle of wine and take a discrete stroll along a river.
-Give each other back/full body massages ... A MUST IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP! So awesome ...

3)Up the romance - simple style!
-Make a coupon book for her filled with backrubs, *cough*goingdown*cough*, buying her ice cream, rubbing her feet, planning a big date, writing her a bad poem, writing her a pathetic letter, etc ...
-Make a cute card for her - keep the contents cute and happy, preferably mention how sexy you think she is. No deep, emotional mumbo jumbo.
-Buy jenga, both of you write things that you want the other person to do (small stuff), and well, you know, play jenga + fun stuff. Now that I thought of that, I'm going to do it ... haha!
-Tell her, "If we are both going to sit around and watch television tonight, I absolutely insist that you get dressed up in your sexiest outfit possible, I'll put on a shirt and tie, we'll light candles, I'll buy some strawberries, cheese, and champagne, and we will at least be super sexy when we watch TV." I don't see how this can possibly go wrong. It's obvious you're dressing up for each other and not to be noticed around town AND you're doing the same thing you've always been doing with STYLE!

4) Lower the frivolous communication
You got it, buddy! Edit that shart down!! Quality, not quantity. Make sure everything you text counts. If it's not about the next time you get together or how sexy you think she is, don't flippin' say it! Who cares? I guarantee she doesn't. Ask her how her day was, let her respond, maybe say something witty back AND LEAVE IT AT THAT! That's three texts a day man. That's enough. I'm tired just thinking about it. REALLY ITCHIN'? Okay, right before you sleep say, "Goodnight, sexy." NOTHING ELSE! I WILL TAKE THAT PHONE FROM YOU! I'll do, Mr.! If she wonders why you're texting less, tell her the truth. Say, "I thought I'd just dial it back, that's all. You're still my best gal! Kiss attack! *kisses*" How could she not love that?

Hope this helps! Good luck!

Hey XyOh! :-)

Wow, that was a very thorough and insightful post - thank you so much, i really feel like i can use the things you're saying in my situation :-)

Now, i hate to add more problems to the solution, but suddenly today she (first the first time ever) wrote me, complaining about me being in contact with other girls.
I called her, and she seemed really sad, and i talked a bit with her on the phone and she told me she just hates when i spend time with girls i've previously been together with (i'm friends with 2 of my ex-GF's).
It seemed to just suddenly come out of the blue air, and i'm afraid it's a sign that something on a more deep level is wrong. Especially considering how often i've told her that i love her, that i'd do anything for her, that i want nothing else but to
see her happy and that nothing would ever make me cheat on her.
However, she was abused in a earlier relationship (her ex cheated on her with 10+ women, starting 2 weeks into their relationship without her knowing) so that might be the reason why.

I've made an appointment with her later this evening to talk about it - but i'm really nervous that she's hiding some other problem behind the things she say.

[chinagirl]

That could be the reason why she's annoyed with you... The ex-factor! You can be friends with your exes but you shouldn't be hanging out with them without her.

You can say all the words in the world how much you love her, you'll do anything for her, will never cheat on her, etc... That will never calm her down or reassure her. You need to show her through actions.

Indoor activities are okay but I am a believer of outdoor activities as well. More fun specially when the weather is nice. Go for a run or walk together, go to the beach, biking, hiking, kayaking, whatever that takes your butt off the couch is good.

You are both young, there is no reason why you should be stuck home doing boring things.

[smackie9]

I agree hanging out with ex GFs is not appropriate and why should you? Why do you have a need to? You have a GF for that now. I don't blame her for wanting to set up "boundaries" in your relationship. The rule is, when you start a relationship with someone, you have to adjust things in your life because you are not single anymore. I think she is feeling you only see her, but not making her a part of your life.

[johnjohn1]

That could be the reason why she's annoyed with you... The ex-factor! You can be friends with your exes but you shouldn't be hanging out with them without her.

You can say all the words in the world how much you love her, you'll do anything for her, will never cheat on her, etc... That will never calm her down or reassure her. You need to show her through actions.

Indoor activities are okay but I am a believer of outdoor activities as well. More fun specially when the weather is nice. Go for a run or walk together, go to the beach, biking, hiking, kayaking, whatever that takes your butt off the couch is good.

You are both young, there is no reason why you should be stuck home doing boring things.

I definitely understand if that's where she's coming from.
Thing is though, i don't actually spend time with my ex'es that much, if at all.
One of them is from my workplace, and she just happens to work the exact same day that i work (once every second sunday). She's actually my "boss", so i don't have any option of changing that fact, unless i actually quit my job:
The second ex was also my best friend even before/and after we dated. I hardly ever see her - perhaps once every 6th month.

She knows both of these things as well, so i just don't really feel like this should be an issue.

But yeah, about the outdoor things - definitely appropriate with the weather and all, thanks :-)

- - - Updated - - -

I agree hanging out with ex GFs is not appropriate and why should you? Why do you have a need to? You have a GF for that now. I don't blame her for wanting to set up "boundaries" in your relationship. The rule is, when you start a relationship with someone, you have to adjust things in your life because you are not single anymore. I think she is feeling you only see her, but not making her a part of your life.

Read what i answered to chinagirls post - i don't really have anything to do with either of my exes in any private or otherwise "threatening" way.
But tonight i'll definitely talk it out with her, and try to get all the skeletons out of the closet - both for me and her. Hopefully i'll get to the bottom of the problem, and we can start fixing things.