Need some help, i am over jealous feel very hopeless and sad :(

[lou85]

Hi everyone,

i have come here as a last resort i am driving myself mad

Try make this short as poss, ive been dating this guy for about 7 months now, he is great, kind, helpful just great, the only problem is he is 2.5 years younger than me which only is a problem when he does or says something and i think, oh yeah you are younger. No biggy.

The problem is me. He has a great social life, good friends and is always off out doing something, going away, doing exciting stuff. Now i admit i am a jealous person, this makes me feel inferior (cant spell) it highlights my life as pretty boring, no excitement, my 'friends' are crap, they never go out, the only time i get to see them is on a week nihgt after work if its organised weeks in advance, they all live with their partners and do everything with them or my other lame friends never have any money to go out with me but funnily enough do go out, just not when i ask them

Just recently my bf has been away abroad for a stag weekend, hes spent this whole weekend going out with god knows who getting drunk, and i feel very rejected and left out. im so bored and driving myself insane with thoughts of him with other women. he text me to say hes met some new ppl out, all i can think yep bet theres a few pretty girls there your chatting to, and i make it worse cuz i go cold towards him where i feel upset.

my ex treated me like a peice of shit and was always flirting with girls, i was forever seeing texts from girls on his phone, this has happened once with this new guy, he explained it and it made sense but the point is i have experienced it fro im now, he has girl mates and i jsut think why havent you asked me out tonight with your mates? if his girl mates are there and i find out i know that will really upset me.

I know im being jealous and over the top, i cant help my feelings and i dont know what to do. He said he would see me tom but hes going to be so hung over and to be honest i dont to be his last resort and him thinking well i better see her to keep her quiet.

Someone please give me an honest opinion, i do not know what to do, so far all i manage is sarcastic, cold texts when i feel like this, this willl only drive him away and make me look less attractive….help me please xxx

[searock]

It's disrespectful of him to hang out with friends of both sexes without asking you to come with. Definitely a red flag there.

As for the rest, I'm not seeing anything wrong. If you don't like your social life, try starting a new hobby where you can meet new people. He has nothing to do with the fact that you are not satisfied with your social life. As soon as you start going out with your new friends, the feelings of inferiority and inadequacy will vanish.

This shouldn't be a competition between you two based on who has a more active social life. Stop comparing yourself to him and start doing something to change the things you don't like in your life. Unless you learn how to make yourself happy, you will never be happy in a relationship and you will end up sabotaging all of them.

[smackie9]

You both have different expectations. He likes going off doing his thing which is fine, but it sounds to me he isn't letting you be a part of his life as a whole, including socializing with his friends. I dated someone like that. We were meeting up a couple times a week, and nothing else. I felt I was a separate entity from the rest of his life. He never invited me to watch him play basketball, never had me come along and hang out with his friends, etc. I dumped his ass after a few weeks. Best decision I ever made. There was no point in complaining about it or asking him to change....it was what it was, and it wasn't for me.

[lou85]

You both have different expectations. He likes going off doing his thing which is fine, but it sounds to me he isn't letting you be a part of his life as a whole, including socializing with his friends. I dated someone like that. We were meeting up a couple times a week, and nothing else. I felt I was a separate entity from the rest of his life. He never invited me to watch him play basketball, never had me come along and hang out with his friends, etc. I dumped his ass after a few weeks. Best decision I ever made. There was no point in complaining about it or asking him to change....it was what it was, and it wasn't for me.

sorry dont know how to reply without replying with quote, although i love your attitude, your right it wasn't going to change so you walked, fair play.

i know i am the problem and hold all this jealousy and anger i cant seem to shift it. im angry this morning because he never text me back last night, al i keep thinking is he was having a much better time out with his mates, probably other girls and im sat here on my own feeling rejected. the reality however is that he probably got wasted his battery died and now hes sleeping off the drink. its now 11.05am here we were meant to go do something today together-fat chance of that happening now. i do feel pissed off, so when he finally texts me i may just say stay home cure your hangover see you next week.

I try to meet new friends, get hobbies but i never feel comfortable with my hobbies, i tried going to a class few weeks back, i made 3 weeks, i always felt like it was a chore, it would make me nervous going into a big room with lots of other strangers, who all seemed to talk to eachother easily, but me, i struggle, i feel like i have this beacon saying im an awkward social person, i have issues best not be approached i do try so hard tho, i dont quite know how i can past this, i do try so hard but it seems the smallest rejection knocks me back 10 steps

thanks for your advice guys i do appreciate it. xxx

[michelle23]

Why do you keep saying your the problem?? Your not. It really sounds like this guy isnt that into you coz hes more interested in staying out all night, getting drunk and being with his friends 7days a week.. no wonder you feel insecure. Your not compatible. If you want a quiet life-staying in a lot and enjoying time alone together-there are plenty of guys who would enjoy that too. Hes just not one of them. My advice is to end this relationship and look for someone you have more in common with that you trust.

Honestly I dont trust men like your bf and I dont blame you for feeling jealous

[lou85]

Why do you keep saying your the problem?? Your not. It really sounds like this guy isnt that into you coz hes more interested in staying out all night, getting drunk and being with his friends 7days a week.. no wonder you feel insecure. Your not compatible. If you want a quiet life-staying in a lot and enjoying time alone together-there are plenty of guys who would enjoy that too. Hes just not one of them. My advice is to end this relationship and look for someone you have more in common with that you trust.

Honestly I dont trust men like your bf and I dont blame you for feeling jealous

hey thanks for your advice, he is genuinely a soft caring guy but he does have his blips like this and it does wind me up no end. But putting all of that a side i know i do have a problem, i get over whelming feelings of jealousy and angry, its like a button and i feel like im boiling over, this isnt good, i need to know how i can control this, i am good at being independent but when i get a bf i cant seem to separate the two for some reason? i either go right sod you mate, im going to carry on and do my own stuff which translates as me being very cold and harsh, or i go all clingy and i dont want to be without them…i sound like an absolute idiot…im just being so honest because i have no one to talk to and i find it very embarrassing i am such a jealous angry person, its not attractive and its an evil trait why cant i just turn it off?!!?!?!!

[michelle23]

Do you fear losing him completely-like you need him and it would destroy you if he left?? If yes, then you should get counselling. Its not healthy to make someone your whole world and then you run the risk of clinging to the wrong person for all the wrong reasons.

You should be more like "I love you, you make me happy and I am glad your in my life but if it doesnt work out-i know I will be fine. Ill be upset for awhile but then I will get over it and meet someone else".. thats a far healthier attitute

As for jealousy. Its natural for most people to feel a little possessive and jealous especially in the early stages while your still establishing trust. Its really only a problem if your accusing him of things, checking up on him, dictating to him or controlling him.. are you doing any of that?

[lou85]

Do you fear losing him completely-like you need him and it would destroy you if he left?? If yes, then you should get counselling. Its not healthy to make someone your whole world and then you run the risk of clinging to the wrong person for all the wrong reasons.

You should be more like "I love you, you make me happy and I am glad your in my life but if it doesnt work out-i know I will be fine. Ill be upset for awhile but then I will get over it and meet someone else".. thats a far healthier attitute

As for jealousy. Its natural for most people to feel a little possessive and jealous especially in the early stages while your still establishing trust. Its really only a problem if your accusing him of things, checking up on him, dictating to him or controlling him.. are you doing any of that?

No i know i'd be fine if we spilt, i would be hurt upset the usual of course but i'd be ok. I think its me always feeling push aside or always feeling left out, i know i must be insecure. He has only just text me now, nothing about his night, no appologie for not texting em back just asked if i wanted to do something, well its afternoon now its too late to go do anything so i just said that and said its ok you can cure your hangover. It robably is cold but what else can i say?? im not going to be all nicey nice and ask about hsi night cuz really i dont care, all i care about is that he obviously had such a great time i was totally forgot about and now hes only asking today because he feels he has to not because he wants to. I sound like a spoilt brat dont i? I need someone to sort me out i know im being a muppet but i dont know what to do…grrrrr so frustrating!!

[michelle23]

I honestly get how you feel. You should stop blaming yourself. You feel the way you do because he isn't giving you much time and hes not as invested in this relationship as you are. You can probably do a lot better.

You should stop being passive aggressive though and straight up tell him your not happy and why and try to reach a compromise that makes you both happy. If you cant do that or if he refuses to acknowledge how you feel-then dump him

[lou85]

Touche. Your right, thanks. I always screw it up though, like today havent been bothered about seeing him and now he hast even text me back, cant really blame him and now im stuck on my own feeling angry at my own stupid behaviour im such a stubborn cow. I do need to stop blaming myself tho it wont get me anywhere. I got to sort my shit out lol. thank you so much for listening to me and letting me vent, it really helps xx

[michelle23]

Relationships shouldnt be this hard lou. It should make you happu. He couldnt even be bothered to text you back. You do realize there are lk 4billion other men in the world right??

[lou85]

hahaha i know, i dont think i can be bothered with them either! i know it shouldnt be should it. he did text me in the end about something seperate and apparenlty he didnt get my msg when i asked him about it. he keeps saying its up to me if i wanna do something, well hell no, you sound so excited and keen to see me its now got to 4pm and you strill like its up to you, oh f*** off then! i siad well leave it, it's now clear we wont see eachother until a wedding we have on saturday so it will be a whole week, he doesnt even seem bothered!!! he just asked me about work, talk about winding me up, he is so clueless!! I cant even be bothered to tect back its so annoying. Ill just get on with my stuff and reply later on in a few hours, what the hell, would be nice for him to want to see me. d***. bloody men. I am ranting like a tropper gotta get it out otherwise i'll burst!

[smackie9]

It's not "bloody men" it's just him. I don't get why you insist putting up with it, getting yourself torn to bits over it. Michelle is right, you shouldn't have to be this miserable to stay in a relationship. Get it through your head.....you are with the wrong guy.

IMO if you want to get rid of this problem, get rid of him.

[michelle23]

Yup the problem isnt the male species. Its him. Theres plenty of good guys around. Maybe you have just been screwed around so much that you cant tell the difference between good and bad anymore.. you shouldnt be a doormat for anyone OP. Id rather be alone forever than settle for mr wrong.. and when you have high self esteem and know you deserve the BEST-then you will have men queing up rejecting them left, right and centre until you find the right one.

You need to set your standards higher girl. Stop letting people walk on you. Your worth more

[fearoflove]

His behaviour: flirting with other women shows that he isn't afraid to lose you. He probably thinks that your social life is so lame that chances of you meeting another guy is very slim. He probably thinks he is the shit. You need to start going out and make new friends.