Marriage question

[Boomting]

Hi all,

I have been with my boyfriend for over 7 years (we are both 23). At the beginning of our relationship when we discussed marriage he said he would like to . The past year we have discussed it more and he changes his mind every time one minute it will be yes the next it's maybe and the next it's I don't care. We have just come back from Florida (it was my dream holiday and I finally got to go!) and I really thought he might actually propose (a week before I was looking at a jewellery shop (he normally walks off at this point!) and he came over with me and was looking at rings with me telling me what ones he liked) but didn't. When I asked him why he said because he doesn't care about marriage its just a piece of paper, rings and overall a waste of money but IF he ever proposes it will be cause I want it and not him.

I've asked him for a straight yes or no answer as I want to know where I stand and don't just want to be strung along and he refuses to give me a straight answer saying I have a lot of things I want to do if it happens, it happens. I do tend to ask him quite a lot which I understand I shouldn't but I hate not knowing and getting different answers every single time!

Am I being unreasonable with him for wanting to know this? I know we are quite young but I wanted quite a long engagement (at least a few years - my ideal age would be between 25 and 30) so I could enjoy it, save up and enjoy slowly planning it. Do you think it's just because he is young or that he is just making excuses? I try to talk to him but as soon as I say we need to have a conversation he gets the hump and it will end in an argument (he doesn't like having serious talks).

Thank you all in advance.

[Boisdevie]

He might not like serious talks but it's one talk he can't really avoid. You must press this issue because you need to know where you're headed in this relationship. If you can't talk about this then you have real communication problems in your relationship and without good communication problems you're going nowhere fast.

[chinagirl]

It's not unreasonable for you to ask him if he wants to get married someday. If marriage is something that you value, then you must find a partner who will value the same thing.

However, his hesitancy to discuss about this could mean that he is just not ready. You're only 23 years old. Enjoy your time and relationship together and give it more time to grow and blossom.

You can always revisit the marriage discussion in a couple years when you are both financially stable and truly ready to take your relationship to the next level.

[vashti]

I think he is being wise. You are both too young to get married, and quite honestly, I am concerned about the fact that neither of you have experienced being completely independent (an important part of growing into adulthood) or other relationships. It is best to avoid skipping these milestones, or the odds of ending up in a failed marriage are high.

And for the record, engagements that last to to 7 years (which is the age you would be if you marry at 30) are not really engagements, anyway. They are just vague agreements given to women to keep them from becoming hysterical, given by men who are dragging their feet.

[tropus]

Definitely something you'll want to wait on. I agree that you're too young to get married, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be thinking about it or planning your future. The best way to discuss this at this point would be non-confrontational.

I have to ask, what is the point of having an engagement that lasts longer than a year or so? Seven years of wedding planning? I would go bald from pulling my hair out!

[basilandthyme]

I also don't see the point of a long engagement.

Having said that, it's important to find someone who's beliefs and goals are similar to yours.

He says that marriage is just a piece of paper. Will you allow me to play devil's advocate and ask if you see any value in marrying someone who would only be doing it to keep you happy? I can't help but believe that marriage should happen when two people really want and believe in what they are committing to.

[smackie9]

I don't know about you guys, but he's been with one girl since he was 14 or 15 (first and only girl??), I feel he is thinking about what else is out there. The reality of how permanent marriage is, is freaking him out.

[searock]

Yeah, I agree with smackie and vashti. You guys have been together since you were 16, that's way too young to be with just one person for the rest of your life. You need to experience adulthood by yourselves, and also other relationships, before you can settle down. Sure it may work (there are always exceptions), but I think it's unlikely that it will, especially since he already isn't happy about it.

[bulrush]

I have been with my boyfriend for over 7 years (we are both 23).

Wait, you've only dated him since you were 16? Big red flag. Neither of you have the experience to know what you really need in a spouse.

Also, he's not ready for marriage, because he might unconsciously know he has not had enough experience to know what he wants in a spouse. He said he wouldn't do it for him, he would do it for you. That's the wrong reason to get married.

I want to marry my SO because she adds a lot to my life, she's an asset not a liability, and I just like being around her.