Told her I loved her - nearly 2 months ago

[opie19]

Hi everyone,

I'm a new member. Admittedly I joined to get some perspective on this question after not being able to google the answer (at least in a useful way).

I'll keep it as brief as possible:

I've been with her for ~11 months. ~2 months ago I awkwardly said I love you to her. She said nothing. She cried after, but said it was happy and this was all new to her. Then said she wasn't ready. Fair enough.

I explained that was fine, and that I didn't say it so she'd say it back - I said it cause I loved her.

Fast forward nearly 2 months... still nothing. We get along great, but no better or worse than 2 months ago.

I haven't been saying it to her again, like, at all... cause I don't want to pressure her - but at what point do we really need to talk about this? It's starting to kind of bother me to not really know what's up.

So, in terms of actual hard dates: How long would you wait to ask her, or follow up? How would you do it? I personally feel after a year you should probably know how you feel about someone - enough to be able to at least tell them 'yes I see myself loving you' or something... but I haven't even gotten that.

Couple other details: We are both adults... late 20s/early 30s. Both employed and self-sufficient. We also don't throw the L word around easily... I'd only ever said it once before... her: never.

Thoughts anyone?

Thank you!

[searock]

The fact that she never said "I love you" before is the reason she hasn't said it to you yet. She's making it a big deal, kind of like some people do with "losing their virginity". If everything is going great in the relationship, you shouldn't worry. Just remind her that to you, verbal communication of your feelings is very important. Ask her, "how would you feel if you told me I love you and I didn't say it back? I don't want to force you to do or say anything, I just want to know if we are on the same page. I can take it and I think it's my right to know."

Have you talked about your future together? What are your plans?

[opie19]

Yep, discussed future, etc. No specific "plans" but we're definitely exclusively seeing each other, and there are no problems, physical, sexual, etc... I do love her, she's great.

Her comments on the subject so far suggest that it's happy and she says it's scary and very real - so you may be right... she may be attaching a lot of meaning to it... Every time I even try to broach the subject (I really have not been successul) she changes the topic completely.

She does insist she really likes me, fairly often.

This helps, searock, thank you

[bessieb]

My boyfriend said it to me nearly a year after me, I admit I was quite soon with the declaration but it's because I felt it, I did say it a couple of times again before he actually said it to me, he was just a slow grower.

People get there at different times, hang in there, I did and we have never looked back.

[opie19]

My boyfriend said it to me nearly a year after me, I admit I was quite soon with the declaration but it's because I felt it, I did say it a couple of times again before he actually said it to me, he was just a slow grower.

People get there at different times, hang in there, I did and we have never looked back.

I don't really think I was super early with it (8 months? 9 months? something like that... I wasn't really keeping track).

In the meantime, did he give you anything useful? Did you ever ask him about it?

[surfhb]

Dude, you need to seriously slow it down. You're rushing her. Have you been in any really long term relationships before? More then 3-4 years?

[searock]

Yep, discussed future, etc. No specific "plans" but we're definitely exclusively seeing each other, and there are no problems, physical, sexual, etc... I do love her, she's great.

Her comments on the subject so far suggest that it's happy and she says it's scary and very real - so you may be right... she may be attaching a lot of meaning to it... Every time I even try to broach the subject (I really have not been successul) she changes the topic completely.

It does sound like she feels it, she just isn't ready to say those words because of the huge importance she places on the act of saying them. She'll get there, just keep reminding her that it's very important to you. It is also fundamental that you don't become insecure over this. Just because she hasn't verbalized her feelings doesn't mean that she doesn't love you the way you do. On the other hand, pay attention to her actions. I'm sure she tells you that she loves you in many ways, just not verbally. Every cuddle, surprise gift, every time she helps you and listens to you, every time she dreams about her future with you, she is telling you "I love you". Keep this in mind and when she'll feel ready, she will tell you and by that time you won't even remember it was ever a problem .

[bessieb]

Yes I did, I said it a few times and asked him why he hadn't and he simply said he wasn't there with it yet because he's been hurt in the past, he did give me a little something about 6 months after me and then fully said it another 6 months later.

I knew by that point he really meant it, he also isn't very forthcoming with feelings and did try and avoid the conversation when I did bring it up, however one day he just said it and hasn't stopped saying it since. However, whilst he wasn't saying it his actions were showing me that he did, he's always made me feel loved and as they say actions speak louder than words.

[opie19]

Thank you all for the responses and advice. I really appreciate it.