Dilemma

[unclear]

Hi-

I have a dilemma and I would like to know what others would do. The situation is this: married 12 years, have 2 kids (7 and 9), wife recently told me that she's never been attracted to me, she had been hoping that this would get better because she likes me so much as a person, but she has now concluded that it's not going to get better and she wants to never have sex with me again, but is OK staying together. I am a child of divorced parents and have always promised myself I wouldn't do that to my kids. On the other hand, I am really not happy about the idea of never having sex again.

So, what would you do?

-unclear

PS I am 40, wife is 39.

[Boisdevie]

So, what would you do?

-unclear

PS I am 40, wife is 39.

I'd leave her. I'd also perhaps question my own judgement for marrying this person in the first place. But then we all make mistakes.

[searock]

Make your marriage an open marriage.

[chinagirl]

Go for counseling, both of you... It may or may not help your marriage but it's worth the try especially if both of you want to stay together.

[razrazraz]

Divorce. Your lack of emotional well-being in the marriage will have a profound effect on your kids.
While the divorce will be hard, and there will be an adjustment period for you children, they will grow up mush more stable with two happy co-operating but divorced parents that they will in a family where there is tension and resentment.

[unclear]

Thanks for these ideas. We did actually start our first session of counseling today. Not sure where it will lead to, of course, but I guess it's better than doing nothing. Please feel free to keep contributing any further thoughts. I honestly don't know how to handle this as neither option is acceptable to me yet I only seem to have 2 options. Open marriage doesn't appeal to either of us... just kind of icky.

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razrazraz, you do present a strong argument for divorce. My own experience of my parents' divorce was horrible, but perhaps that's not always the case?

[smackie9]

So you are going to wait til you are in your 50's to have sex again?

[unclear]

Not 50s... her proposal is never. Not talking about just staying together until the kids are grown... talking about staying married permanently with no sex. I admit, it sounds ludicrous, but this is where I am.

[searock]

Surely she has sexual urges as well. Are you sure an open marriage is out of the question? You don't have to have sex with each other and you can have nsa sex with other people, all while staying together for the kids.

Or would you actually like to have an actual relationship with somebody else, since you can't have it with your wife?

[Wakeup]

Why is your wife a-sexual? Has she been to the doctor/psychiatrist to find out if its anything physical/mental? She may not want sex with you anymore but surely she wants sex???? If she doesn't then she'd be very selfish to want you to stay together and force you to go without.

You'd do well to research Open Marriage (google it) and visit some of the forums etc.

Have you asked your wife what she would do if you DO decide to have other sexual partners? I'd be interested in hearing her answer to that question.

[unclear]

You folks ask good questions that I have a hard time answering. On the open marriage front I guess I'd say it's not totally out of the question, but I'd say less than 5% chance that we'd do it. I can't really speak for my wife on this, but I for one am really uncomfortable with that idea. On the asexuality/medical/psychiatric question, I know from a past round of sessions we did with a sex therapist that it's not a medical issue and she does want sex, it's just that I don't turn her on, and in fact I turn her off. She says it's nothing technical about what I'm doing or not doing, and she says she likes my looks and body well enough... but that it's some kind of bad chemistry/vibe type of thing... makes her want to stop and get away as soon as we get started. Yet in all other arenas we get along great. She said last night that she feels very guilty for this lack of attraction, knowing that it places me in such a difficult position. Tonight I asked her if she feels awkward because I feel awkward, and she said yes... so maybe there's something there...

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Oh, and yes, I did jokingly suggest that I'll have to go get a mistress, and she said that's fine, she'll go get a stud. Then we both said we didn't really think that would work.

[Wakeup]

Oh, and yes, I did jokingly suggest that I'll have to go get a mistress, and she said that's fine, she'll go get a stud. Then we both said we didn't really think that would work.

Oh, call me skeptical but I'm pretty sure once you put your minds to doing it, it WOULD indeed work. Probably just to help you leave a dead end situation once you find a smoking hottie that can't get enough of you.

I might be off here but I'm thinking that your addiction to being with this woman will quickly ebb when you have another healthier habit to replace her.

[unclear]

Anyone think her feelings toward me might change? Any advocates for staying married despite difficulty based on maintaining the commitment we made at the wedding?

[Wakeup]

Anyone think her feelings toward me might change? Any advocates for staying married despite difficulty based on maintaining the commitment we made at the wedding?

Anyone who advocates you stay together in a self-imposed, sexual solitary confinement has codependency issues they've yet to come to terms with. (as do you if you actually stay).

It would be different if you were happy being celibate but neither of you actually are happy about never having sex again.

One of you will end up cheating so why not just have other sexual partners with each other's knowledge? If you do go that route, please be open and honest with your sexual partner that you're married. Give them the benefit of informed consent to carry on with you.

[Debaser]

If I had to guess, I would think she is saying she's willing to stick it out without any sexual contact because she wants you to be the one to ask for a divorce. I believe she wants out, but doesn't want to be the "bad guy" or disappoint the people around her.

There are always more details, and I know very little about you, but it sounds to me like you need to start thinking about life after marriage.